


Amor Vincit Omnia

by Stjosten



Series: Sense8 AU [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Sense8 (TV) Fusion, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Multi, Non-Explicit Sexual Content, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Andrew Minyard, Protective Neil Josten, Slow-ish burn, Torture, Violence, just a lot of angst, warnings at the beginning of every chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:01:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 137,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23505034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stjosten/pseuds/Stjosten
Summary: “I said it already,” the man said, “Your cluster.”“But what does thatmean?”  Neil asked.“It means that you are no longer justyou,” the man said tersely, “Congratulations.”It didn’t feel like anything worth celebrating.A Sense8 AU where the foxes all share one subconscious and kick a lot of ass
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: Sense8 AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1691248
Comments: 280
Kudos: 480





	1. Limbic Resonance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, Hi. So this is the start of the Sense8 AU that I have been pining after for a few months. I made a post on tumblr a while ago complaining about the lack of Sense8 AUs in the fandom and then decided to just write my own. I never thought I would have the chance to write something this involved but being under quarantine and out of a job has given me more free time than I know what to do with. 
> 
> To preface this story I just want to say that this is going to be a lot of ups and downs and might get a dark - actually it is definitely going to get dark. I will put any warnings for triggering content at the beginning of each chapter. For specific details about the content warnings you can find me on [ Tumblr.](http://stjosten.tumblr.com)
> 
> I am more than happy to answer any questions or concerns you may have. This story does not have a beta and I have a tendency to look over basic mistakes - so if there are any big mistakes please let me know. It can be our little secret ;) 
> 
> You DON'T need to have watched Sense8 to understand this although it does vaguely follow the Sense8 canon. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!
> 
> Warnings: chapter includes implied/referenced suicide and child abuse

_Mary was screaming._

_Nathaniel’s hands were gripping the wheel of the car, his knuckles turning white, his eyes bouncing back and forth between the road and his screaming mother._

_“What do I do?” Nathaniel asked._

_Mary shot him an ugly glare, the kind she reserved for the back of his father’s head._

_“Keep driving,” Mary bit back. Her voice was strained, her face was covered in a thick line of sweat._

_“Mom,” Nathaniel pleaded, “I don’t understand. What’s happening? Are you okay? Do we need to go to the hospital?”_

_His rambling was quickly cut off by a sharp hand smacking the side of his head._

_“Stop,” she said through her teeth, “keep driving.”_

_Another anguished scream cut through her and Nathaniel bit his tongue as hard as he could to stop from protesting._

_“It’s time,” Mary said, but Nathaniel wasn’t sure if she was even talking to him, her head was turned and she was looking off toward the back seat, looking through him._

_“Find them,” she pleaded._

_“Mom,” Nathaniel cut in. He kept his eyes on the highway but cut a spare glance toward her every couple of seconds. “Mom!”_

_“We can’t stop, Abram,” she pleaded, “We can’t stop. Keep going. You’re father will find us if we-“_

_Her words were cut off by a long groan of pain. She sucked in uneven breaths, one hand went to grip the door of the car, and the other wrapped painfully around Nathaniel’s arm._

_Nathaniel watched in horror as Mary’s head fell back and her eyes went wide. She wasn’t there anymore, no sound escaped her lips. Nathaniel saw the familiar distant look in her eyes that she sometimes got, as if she was lost somewhere faraway._

_“Mom!” Nathaniel cried. His eyes were beginning to water but he held it in as best as he could._

_Mary sucked in a deep breath several minutes later, coming back to the present, coming back to the car and to her eleven year old son who was crying in the driver’s seat._

_“Find them,” she pleaded to no one._

_Nathaniel had goosebumps flaring across his arms and the back of his neck. He felt light headed, he didn’t know if it was from fear or something else, something much bigger._

_“Mom,” he whispered, because his voice sounded too loud._

_“It’s okay, Abram,” Mary said, winded but controlled once again, “It’s over.”_

_She finally released the death grip on his arm and wiped the sweat from her forehead with the sleeve of her jacket. Her hands went to the backpack tucked between her knees. She pulled out a bottle of pills, pills that Nathaniel had never seen before._

_Mary pulled out two, swallowed one dry, and held one out to Nathaniel, looking expectantly at him._

_“Take this. From now on you have to take this. Every. Single. Day. Do you understand, Abram?”_

_Nathaniel tore his eyes away from the road to look to his mother. He nodded and took the pill from her outstretched hand._

_He swallowed it dry._

_The goosebumps subsided, the strange lightness in the back of his head disappeared._

_“We can never look back,” Mary said, “We can never stop.”_

_Nathaniel could only nod. He felt like he was floating outside of his body, as if someone else, something stronger than Nathaniel, had taken over and was now driving the car. When he spared a glance toward his mother, he realized that he didn’t recognize her anymore._

_Something had changed, Nathaniel thought, I’ve changed._

_Mary pushed his head to face the road once again._

_“We’re safe now, Abram. No looking back. No slowing down. Trust no one. Only me. Do you understand? We can no longer stay in one place for too long. We can never get close to anyone. We keep running. We never stop. And we never stop taking the pills. Do you understand, Abram? Do you?”_

_“Yes.”_

_But he didn’t._

#### Millport, Arizona - June 4th

Neil packed and repacked his duffel bag several times before he felt settled. His anxiety was a curling beast that had come to life during the first 10 minutes of his shift at the 24 hour Sunoco station. It was now an unfurling creature with talons, pressing puncture wounds into the soft parts of his stomach and chest. 

He stared at his packed duffel for a brief moment before he tore it open and cataloged every item for the 100th time. 

Clothing, gun, set of knives, binder (packed to the brim with his brown contacts, money orders, encrypted phone numbers of his mother’s contacts, fifty thousand dollars in cash, fake documents that made Neil Josten as real as he could be), brown hair dye, socks, a hanger for breaking into a locked car, lock picks, and an empty pill bottle. 

Neil rearranged the duffel methodically before standing up from the dusty floor, his knees creaking, with his hands wrapped around the empty pill bottle. 

He was fucked. 

Thoroughly fucked. 

He was too far to get to one of his Mother's contacts before he was due another dose. He calculated the distance in his head and ran every possible option of transportation. 

Car: too risky. Cars would be reported missing, he couldn’t risk someone spotting him driving a stolen car. 

Bus: too expensive. He couldn’t waste his money on a coach bus, it would take too long, he wouldn’t get there before the next dose was due.

Truck stop: too dangerous. He didn’t want to get into another trucker’s cab, not since the last guy decided Neil owed him something. 

Neil squeezed the bottle so tightly in his fist that the plastic gave a squeak in protest and nearly shattered into his palm. 

He could do this, he would figure this out, he always figured things out. 

But it wasn’t the same now. He had been without his mother for six months. Six long, painful, and arduous months. 

Without her, Neil recognized he was weak. He was thoughtless, he hadn't even bothered to check if he had a second bottle of pills, he had just assumed they would be there waiting for him, just like they always were. 

_Mom would have been prepared. She would have already stashed the next supply of pills in the duffel bag. She would have made sure she knew how many were left._

But, Neil was not Mary Hatford. And it was no use playing What Would Mary Hatford Do? 

Neil was fucked. 

He shoved the pill bottle back into the duffel bag and zipped it closed. 

Truck stop was the easiest option. The option that could potentially garner the best results. This time Neil would be armed to the teeth, no handsy truck driver was going to get the jump on him this time, not unless they wanted to lose a limb.

Neil shrugged his duffel bag in, pocketed the petty cash he had earned from his job, and left. 

Millport had been a breath of fresh air, a small town with older residents who didn’t ask any questions or spare Neil any pitying glances. He had been comfortable enough to feel safe. It was foolish really. If Mary was here- 

He stopped that train of thought. It was useless. Neil didn’t have time for useless anymore. 

The closest truck stop was an hour walk from the house he had been squatting in. He started the trip panicking and shaking and ended it with a wheeze in his lungs and sweat pooling around the collar of his shirt. 

He had 15 hours before the pills wore off. 

_Fuck._

The last time they had run out of pills was in Seattle. In Seattle where his father’s men had caught up to them. In Seattle where his mother had been shot. In Seattle where Nathaniel had to drive his dying mother down the coast of California until she had stopped him. She told him to never stop running, told him to always take his pills, told him to burn her body before putting a gun in her mouth and firing.

Neil didn’t want to know what would happen if he didn’t take the pills. 

But he had the sinking feeling that he was going to find out. 

He was a sitting duck. He was a dying man clinging to his last hope.

He needed to get to Colorado. He needed to get there _now._

The truck stop was busy with daytime drivers stopping on their way back from their routes, and nighttime drivers preparing to start their own. 

It took Neil seven different people until he found a surly older man named Dean who was heading straight to Pueblo, Colorado. It was perfect. Almost too perfect. 

Neil kept a hand on the knife he had hidden up his sleeve the entire ride from Millport to Pueblo. Dean didn’t spare him a second glance and only spoke to him every couple of hours to offer a cigarette or to ask if he needed to piss. 

Neil only said yes to a cigarette twice and he only took a handful of drags of each, preferring to instead let the smoke swirl in the cab around them and fill his contesting lungs. 

He missed his mother like one would miss a limb. 

Eleven hours passed in relative silence and soon Neil was standing in the middle of Pueblo, Colorado, with a fake name, a stack of cash, and a phone number. 

He made a beeline to the truck stop phone booth, waving a courteous goodbye to Dean, who grunted in reply, and dialed the number of his mother’s contact. 

It didn’t matter if it was an unreasonable hour, Neil told himself, he would call and call until someone answered. 

The phone didn’t even ring. It went straight to a dead, electronic voice,

_The number you have dialed is no longer in service._

He tried again, telling the taloned beast of his anxiety that he had simply dialed it wrong, but the results were the same. The voice mocking,

_The number you have dialed-_

Neil slammed the phone down. His knees wobbled until he finally succumbed to the reality of it all. 

Neil was alone. Without his pills. Without his mother. In the middle of Colorado. With nothing but a sinking feeling in his chest and the harsh reality settling around him. 

He was alone. 

He was fucked. 

*  


#### Pueblo, Colorado - June 5th

Neil had given himself 10 seconds to panic in every language he knew, which meant he had given himself a full minute to panic, before he started moving again. 

He could find a place to sleep for the night, it wasn’t hard in Pueblo, half of the city felt like a junkyard of abandoned properties, and he would figure it out in the morning. 

If he lived until the morning. 

Neil found a crumbling home in the industrial side of town and let himself in. Noting from the layers of dust that had settled on every surface that no one had touched the place in years. It was as good a place as any. 

He unpacked his duffel bag, double and then triple checked the contents before pulling out his binder. 

He sorted through every encrypted note his mother had ever left him. Every contact name and number was hidden in a confusing poem, a fake news article, an elaborate drawing. He noted who was closest to his current location and pulled them aside. 

_Kansas or New Mexico._

Kansas was closer but the New Mexico contact was more promising. He memorized both numbers, just to be safe, before tucking them back into his binder and shoving the entire thing into the bottom of his duffel. 

The anxiety had finally subsided to a low rumble, but he still felt the familiar jagged edges of his psyche threatening to cut him open. Neil counted down from ten in every language he knew but it didn’t settle his mind. He wouldn’t sleep tonight. He may never sleep again until he had a full supply of pills in his hand. 

Neil stood from beside his duffel bag and paced across the dusty living room. He didn’t look at anything for too long and he tried not to let his mind wander too far toward his mother, but that was a fool’s errand. 

Mary would kill him. Maybe he should follow her lead and kill himself before it’s too late. 

He pushed the thought away as soon as it had formed in his head. He had fought for too long to give up now. Eleven years of running had to be for something. If it wasn’t for Mary’s life than it was for his own.

Neil finally stopped pacing. He settled against the wall farthest away from the windows, used his duffel bag as a pillow, and fell into a fitful sleep. 

*

Neil woke up feeling light headed but not in a sick sort of way. He felt like he did when he had first run away from home, well when his mother had dragged him from their home in Baltimore, lightheaded and uneasy, with goosebumps traveling up and down his arms and neck. 

Shaking out his arms didn’t help. Stretching his legs didn’t help. Pacing across the living room didn’t help. 

He wanted to chock it up to a fitful night's sleep on the floor of a dusty old shit hole, but something inside him said no. He felt high, but he was sure he had never been high before. He felt a lingering sense of urgency, but didn’t know what he was urgently waiting for. 

Neil double checked his duffel bag, as was customary, only sparing a passing glance at the offensive empty pill bottle, before shouldering the bag and leaving his borrowed house. 

The truck stop was surprisingly empty when he arrived and he went straight to the phone to try both numbers. 

The Kansas contact didn’t pick up, even when he called twice, so he decided to try New Mexico. 

He was half way through dialing the number when the world tilted. 

He turned, his eyes catching on something gold and something pale and something familiar. 

The world stopped, at least _his_ did, because it seemed like everyone else had kept moving around him. But Neil was frozen, his eyes stuck on the short blonde who was leaning vicariously against the glass windows of the truck stop. His hand curling around a lit cigarette, his eyes glowing golden under the midday sun - eyes that were looking directly at Neil. 

It wasn’t a passing glance. It wasn’t that his eyes had simply rolled over Neil by the phone booth as they roamed across the parking lot. The look was full of intent, full of recognition. 

Neil felt his entire body seize up. He was suddenly feeling a warm breeze that hadn’t been there before, smelling cigarette smoke, and tasting the familiar lingering taste of ash and nicotine. 

The man tilted his head and pulled the cigarette from his lips. He was too far to be heard but somehow Neil could _only_ hear his voice, deep, gravely, and laced with feigned amusement. 

“ _Found you._ ”

Neil dropped the phone and ran. 

*  
He didn’t stop running until he was five miles out and even then he felt as if he hadn’t run far enough. Realistically he knew that the stranger couldn’t have followed him that far. Not with the speed that Neil was accustomed to running. 

He still felt watched. He still felt seen. 

Has his father’s men caught up to him? Was this why his mother always told him to take his pills? Was this why they had been caught so quickly in Seattle?

They had gone two days without them before his father’s men had caught up. Neil was sure that his dose wore off two hours ago, maybe a bit more, there was no possible way it could be related. 

But Neil wasn’t fond of coincidences, in fact he didn’t believe in them. So he decided to act as if he had been found. 

The man had said it himself didn’t he? 

_Found you._

Neil felt that voice echo inside his mind like a shot that was still making his ears ring. 

A dark part of him, a part of him that was buried deep, deep down, had felt a sort of thrill at the words, at the stranger's eyes, at the causal lean of his form against the window. 

_No._

Neil shoved the thought down so deep that he hoped it would disappear into the back of his mind forever. 

_Trust no one_. That was the only emphatic truth. The only thing he needed to remember, everything else was secondary. He couldn’t let anyone in. His mother would rise from her buried ashes in California and strangle him. 

Neil shuffled through the industrial area and considered his options. 

He wouldn’t go back to the truck stop. But he was sure he could find another one if he kept walking. Maybe it wasn’t the best option, he wasn’t a machine and he had barely slept the night before and couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten anything. He would pass out and die on the side of the road, in the scorching June heat, before he could reach the next truck stop. 

The only other option was to find a car. That was easier said than done. He noted that there was a scarce supply in this side of town and that it was far too light outside to get away with stealing a vehicle without someone noticing. 

He could hunker down for the rest of the day. Go back to the dusty abandoned house and catch as much sleep as he could handle before searching for a car in the safe cover of night. 

Night felt too far away. He didn’t think he had the time to wait anymore. 

Neil ducked into an alleyway and kept himself small and unassuming as he went about the task of finding a car. He tried not to look suspicious as he scoped out every parked car he came across, but it was hard to do in the middle of the day with a black duffel bag slung over his shoulder. 

He finally came across a promising car on a dead end street. The houses seemed empty and he waited an oppressing two hours before he finally conceded that no one was going to come out anytime soon. He made a beeline to the car and pulled out the old, distorted metal hanger from his duffel bag. His mother had taught him how to break in and hot-wire older cars. He never went for newer models, too many security measures that made it impossible to get away with stealing one. 

Neil didn’t even have a chance to start the break-in process before the familiar sound of a gun cocking made his blood run cold.He froze and turned only to be met with the end of a pistol. 

“The fuck do you think you’re doing?” The man asked. 

Neil couldn’t think of anything to say to this. 

He was acutely aware of many things at that exact moment, as one often was when faced with their own mortality. He was going to die, he could not escape his, he couldn’t outrun a bullet. He had never been taught how to deal with a gun to his face, his father had only taught him knives. His mother had only taught him how to fire a gun, not disarm someone pointing a gun at him. 

This was the end of the road for Neil Josten. The end of the road for all twenty two identities between Neil Josten and Nathaniel Wesninski. It wouldn’t be his father’s men that killed him. It would be his own stupid mistake, trying to steal a car in broad daylight. His own inexperience and anxiety induced decision is what was going to get him killed. 

He wished that Marry had shot him first before she had shot herself. At least he wouldn’t have died alone. Died a lie. Died no one. 

“What a situation you’ve walked yourself into.” 

Neil’s head snapped to the right. The man from the truck stop was standing next to him and he looked as ethereal up close as he had from far away. But that wasn’t what was important. What was important was they Neil now had not one but two people pining to knock his head straight off. He looked back to the man with the gun but saw that he hadn’t even acknowledged the blonde man’s presence. 

Neil looked to his right again, and suddenly he was no longer standing in the middle of the street with a gun to his head. He was standing on a slanted roof in the middle of a suburban neighborhood. The man beside him was still the same, looking at Neil with a blank expression, only a small hint of something close to interest lingering in his golden eyes. 

“What-“ 

“Oh, Neil,” the man said, “You really don’t know?” 

Neil shook his head. He had no real idea what was happening. His mind told him to run, told him to jump straight off the roof and run as far as he could go, but that deep dark part of him, the part that felt a pang of _knowing_ kept his feet firmly planted to the roof below him. 

The stranger raised his hand and flicked a half finished cigarette off into the grassy yard below. Neil didn’t let his eyes follow the trail it left behind, he had eyes only for the man in front of him. 

Neil watched as the man took two steps closer, his hand reached out and he hooked two fingers into the collar of Neil’s hoodie. He _tugged_ just enough that Neil felt it but not enough to make Neil lean into his space by force, but he leaned in anyway. 

“I’ll make you a deal.” 

“What kind of deal?” 

“I’ll resolve this situation.” He said waving his free arm in the direction of the man with the gun, Neil wasn’t even sure when they had stepped back to the street, but as quickly as it had appeared it was gone and they were once again alone on the roof. “And you’ll tell me where you’ve been for 10 years.” 

Neil wanted to say no. He didn’t know this man, he shouldn’t trust him just because he was offering to save his life, but all survival instincts had seemed to have been erased from Neil’s mind all at once. Before he could really consider his options, he found himself nodding. 

“Good.” 

And suddenly they were back on the street but Neil was standing to the right now, the blonde man having taken his place in front of the gun. 

He threw Neil a smirk, a shocking toothy look that left something warm coming to life in the pit of Neil’s stomach, before turning back to the assailant. 

The man didn’t even try to talk his way out of it. One second the gun was pointed at his face and the next it was in his hand, pointing at the original owner. 

“Oh that was _far_ too easy,” the blonde said, eyeing the man in front of him from head to toe, “Boring.” 

The man raised his hands above his head and shot the blonde a pleading look. 

“Don’t shoot me, man,” he said, “Y-you can just take the fucking car.” 

“Keys?” 

The man reached into his pocket and procured the keys in question. The blonde reached out his free hand and snatched them away.

“Wonderful.” 

Without moving the gun from the assailants face, he turned and unlocked the door and got inside. Neil rushed to get in after him, climbing into the passenger seat. 

The blonde kept the gun pointed out the window as he started the car. He didn’t lower the weapon at all until they had made a u-turn and left the dead end street completely. 

Neil’s brain finally decided to catch up. 

“What the _fuck_?” 

“Great question, Neil,” the man said, he was leaning back in the seat as if he hadn’t just stolen a car at gunpoint, “You almost got shot for a Toyota. A _Toyota_. You couldn’t have picked a nicer car?” 

Neil didn’t think that was the important point to be making at that moment. 

“No I mean,” Neil ran his hands through his hair and let out an annoyed huff of air, “What the fuck is going on? Who are you? How do you know how to disarm someone like that? Where the fuck did you come from?”

“So many questions,” the man said, clicking his tongue, “I’m losing interest. You still owe me.” 

Neil blinked and they were on the roof again. The man had pulled out a new cigarette and was halfway through lighting it when he caught sight of Neil’s completely dazed expression. 

“You _really_ don’t know, do you?” 

“Know what?!” Neil practically yelled. 

The man took a long drag from his cigarette and blew the smoke in Neil’s face but he didn’t just smell it, he could taste it, as if he had been the one to take the drag. 

“You’re a sensate.” 

“A what?”

“A homosensorium. A dying race of humans. A part of an eight person cluster. Are you following me?” 

“No!”

The man let out a long breath that could have been mistaken for a sigh if his face wasn’t completely blank. Before saying, “I don’t have time to explain the complexities of our kind to you. All you need to know is that you lived and now you need to keep up your end of the deal.” 

“My end?” 

“You agreed to tell me where you’ve been for 10 years,” the man explained, “It’s what you agreed to.” 

Neil would have agreed to give the stranger his first born child if it meant he had a chance to live. He was never rational in high adrenaline situations. But the man seemed to know this, or at least recognize Neil’s train of thought, because his mask of in deference cracked just enough to show an amused up turn of lips. 

“Don’t chicken out on me, rabbit,” he said, taking another drag of his cigarette, “Or I’ll never help you in a pinch again.” 

“I didn’t need your help,” Neil lied. 

“Could have fooled me.” 

“What do you _really_ want?” 

“The truth.” 

“Everything about me is a lie.” 

“So tell me something that isn’t. Where have you been the last ten years, Neil?” 

Neil blinked and he’s the one driving the car. He turned to see his mother? No the blonde man sitting in his passenger seat. 

“I’m listening,” he said with a wave of his hand. 

Neil knew this was a mistake. But a deal was a deal and for once Neil didn’t want to be a lie. He didn’t want to die a lie. 

“Running.” 

“And? Doesn’t explain why we couldn’t reach you for ten fucking years,” the man said, his fingers were twitching but his cigarette seemed to have been abandoned back on the roof. 

“We? Reach? What are you talking about?” Neil said, his voice edging towards hysterical. He wished he had never stepped foot in Seattle. If his mother hadn’t died he wouldn’t be alone, he wouldn’t have run out of pills, he would have never ended up with a gun pointed to his head in Colorado. Neil counts to 10 in every language he knows, he lets himself feel it for 10 seconds each, before letting out a deep soothing breath.

Only it isn’t as soothing when the blonde is still beside him, quirking an unimpressed eyebrow at him. 

“I said it already,” the man said, “Your cluster.” 

“But what does that _mean_?” Neil asked. 

“It means that you are no longer just _you_ ,” the man said tersely, “Congratulations.” 

It didn’t feel like anything worth celebrating. 

“Explain.” 

“No,” the man said, “That’s boring. You can talk to any of the others about that. I want to know why you were unreachable when we all experienced our second birth at the same time ten years ago. I want to know why you’ve never been in contact with any of us in that time. How you managed to stay so out of touch with your own cluster that you didn’t even know you had one.” 

“I don’t know,” Neil said, “This is all news to me.” 

The man stared at him for a moment as if he was searching for the truth. Neil felt the familiar tingling on the back of his neck and his arms. He shook one hand at a time before gripping the steering wheel with new resolve. 

“Inhibitors?” The man asked. 

“What’s that?” 

The man let out an exasperated sigh, his entire bored-facade had crumbled and been replaced with sheer aggravation. 

“I can’t believe that I’m stuck giving the welcome wagon,” he stated, “Where is Renee or Matt or Dan when you need them?” 

Neil felt a sense of familiarity at the names but he knew that he had never met or heard of any of those people before. It didn’t stop the strange warm flutter of something being born inside his chest. He looked to the man next to him as if he was seeing him for the first time.

Then it clicked, a metaphorical puzzle piece fell into place inside Neil’s brain and it felt as if he had just woken up from a hazy dream. He breathed in and the air suddenly tasted different, like something sweet and tangy and tangible- 

“Andrew,” Neil breathed out, as if the name was a quiet prayer.

“Now he gets it,” Andrew replied but his voice was just as soft and reverent, just as holy. 

Neil looked back at the road before he ended up crashing the stolen car. He was no closer to understanding what was going on but Andrew had seemed to click into place somewhere inside of Neil. A real, tangible person that he could share a cigarette with on a roof while simultaneously drive a car they had stolen together. 

If Neil closed his eyes and thought really hard he could still feel the warm breeze from the roof top and smell the acrid smoke of Andrew’s cigarette. 

Nothing made sense, everything was suddenly too much. He felt like a cloth hanging out in the breeze, being manhandled by things he couldn’t control. 

Neil didn’t realize he was spiraling into a panic until Andrew’s hand was a heavy weight against the back of his neck, his voice low and close to his ear. 

“Breathe.” 

Impossibly, it worked. Neil sucked in a single breath and took several more until the air actually hit his lungs. He felt as if he had been unraveled and taken apart, hung out to dry and harden in the wind. 

“Stop,” Andrew said emphatically, “Do not have a panic attack while driving.” 

Neil nodded numbly. He kept his hands securely wrapped around the steering wheel and his eyes forward to the empty highway before them. 

“Good,” Andrew said when he was satisfied that Neil wasn’t going to pass out behind the wheel, he released his hold on Neil’s neck and sat back against the passenger seat, as if he hadn’t just held Neil’s entire psyche in the palm of his hand. 

“You will go to the safe house in Columbia,” Andrew said, “You will head there now and you won’t stop or run. You will get there and let the others fuss over you until I get back.”

“Columbia?” Neil asked, “Where-?” 

“South Carolina,” Andrew said, cutting him off. He started moving in the passenger seat but Neil wasn’t sure what he was looking for. “I’ll give you the address.” 

“I won’t go.” 

“You will,” Andrew said with finality. 

Neil clenched his jaw tightly. He wanted to protest, he wanted to say fuck South Carolina and your safe house, but he didn’t. He sat in contemplative silence for several moments, letting his frustration at the entire situation radiate off of him and straight into Andrew. 

“Can you feel a bit quieter?” Andrew asked, “It’s annoying.” 

“You’re annoying,” Neil said under his breath, but it sounded like defeat. Andrew had already won. Neil was desperate. He was alone. He was unsure of himself and he definitely wasn’t making smart decisions. He could take a leap of faith. He could trust Andrew, just this once and see if the cluster that he talked so much about was just as trustworthy. If there was even a hint of something foul, then he would run and never look back.

“Fine,” Neil bit out, “Give me the address.” 

“Do you not have a fucking phone?” Andrew asked. Neil belatedly realized that he had been shuffling around the passenger seat looking for something to write on. His hands were half way into Neil’s duffel bag and Neil felt the beast of his anxiety stab a hole straight up to his heart. 

“ _Don’t_ ,” Neil bit out. Andrew shot him a bored glare but didn’t stop his searching. Neil willed Andrew to stop, he tried to imagine Andrew back on the roof, far, far away from Neil and all of his secrets.

“Stop,” Andrew stated, he shuffled through Neil’s bag, hands grabbing and pulling out the binder that Neil kept so close to his own person at all times - the beast in his chest was screaming. “I already know all of your secrets. You can’t hide anything from your cluster.” 

Neil’s skin prickled. “Get out of my head,” He said before he could really stop himself.

Andrew let out a snort of a laugh. “It isn’t that simple. Though, I wish it could be.” 

Neil was helpless to stop Andrew’s searching hands as he flipped through the binder. Pages filled with random news articles and posters that Neil had collected over the years. It looked like a madman’s shrine to America, filled with maps, odd fliers for things like _the world’s biggest ball of yarn_. Neil attempted to calm his anxiety. He counted in every language he knew but only made it halfway through French when Andrew let out a low whistle.

“Wow,” He said, holding up the stack of cash in his hand, “You didn’t say you were rich.” 

“I thought you knew all my secrets,” Neil cut back. 

Andrew gave him a quizzical look. “Oh,” he said blandly, but it felt as it did when Neil had said Andrew’s name, “You just might be interesting.”

Neil looked back to the road to attempt to hide the rush of blood to his cheeks. He had never been interested in anyone before, and now wasn’t really the time to be waxing poetic about the glow of Andrew’s hazel eyes in the sun. 

“Oh,” Andrew repeated, as if he could hear Neil’s thoughts. Neil belatedly thought that he might just be able to.

“Fuck off,” Neil said, earning him another snort of amusement from Andrew. 

Andrew returned all of the money to Neil’s binder and shuffled around for a piece of paper. He ended up grabbing the Kansas contact’s encrypted poem. 

“Pen?” he asked, snapping his fingers in Neil’s direction.

“Do I look like I have a pen?” Neil replied snidely. 

“Touchy.”

Andrew opened the glove compartment and searched around until he found a black marker. He uncapped it with his teeth and wrote an address over the contact’s poem, effectively leaving the name and information hidden beneath unreadable.

“What are you doing?” Neil asked, annoyed, “You can’t just write over people’s-” 

“What did I say?” Andrew asked, “Or is your head shoved so far up your own ass that you couldn’t hear me? I said you will stop running.

“This,” He said waving the paper in front of him like a white flag, “Is now useless.” 

“I have more,” Neil stated, but once again he had only protested to be difficult, Andrew had already won. 

“I’ll write all over those too.”

Neil clenched the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. He suddenly remembered the moment he had driven his mother away from their home in Baltimore. The feeling of helplessness, the sense of fear that had washed over him as his mother had screamed in the passenger seat. The anxiety still lingered around him, but this time he had a destination, a purpose, something he had never had before. 

“I have to go,” Andrew said suddenly, “Drive straight to South Carolina and only stop when you need gas. If you aren’t there in 24 hours I _will_ send someone to drag you back.”

Neil ignored how unrealistic it would be to get there in under 24 hours. Instead he asked, “Where are you going?” 

“I have business.” 

“So you get to know all of my secrets but I don’t get to know yours? Generous of you.” 

“Oh, Neil,” Andrew said darkly, “I’m not hiding any secrets. You just don’t ask the right questions.” 

“What’s the right question?” 

“Boring. I’ll see you when I see you.” 

Neil spared him a parting glance. Andrew gave him a mocking salute, a simple tap of two fingers to his temple. Neil blinked once and Andrew was gone. 

Neil was alone again. 

*

#### Columbia, South Carolina - June 7th

Neil did not in fact make it to South Carolina in 24 hours. It had taken almost 30 hours. Neil had almost passed out behind the wheel somewhere in Mississippi. A calming presence had filled the car and Neil had caught the image of a tall dark skinned man in the rear view mirror, watching over Neil like a hawk. The man didn’t say anything but he didn’t disappear until Neil had pulled over into the next rest area and gone to sleep. 

Neil ditched the Toyota 2 miles away from the address Andrew had left him. He triple checked his duffel bag and every item in his binder, before getting out of the car and starting his walk to the supposed “safe house.”

He was surprised to find that the entire neighborhood was so incredibly _normal_. The “safe house” was just a regular house with a white picket fence around the front yard and a floral wreath hanging from the front door. Neil was aware that this was probably a terrible idea. He shouldn’t have come to Columbia, he should have gone back to the phone booth at that truck stop and called every single one of his mother’s contacts until someone picked up. 

He didn’t have time for regret. Not when he was within ten feet of the safe house. Not when the door flew open before he had even walked inside the yard. Not when the man that had been in the backseat of his car came barrelling out to pull Neil into a bone crushing hug. 

Neil wasn’t one for open affection. His mother never hugged him, and his father preferred to give Neil attention in the form of harsh hands and pointed weapons. As soon as the stranger’s arms were around him, he went stiff as if his body was playing dead. 

“Um-” he started but was quickly cut off by the man pulling back and holding Neil in front of him by his shoulders.

“Holy shit,” The man said- Matt, his brain supplied, his name was Matt, “You’re real.” 

_Not exactly._

“Yeah,” Neil said, looking nonplussed. A second figure appeared at the front door, a short woman with a close-shaved head and eyes full of fire. Dan, his brain supplied again, that’s Dan. 

“Hi,” Neil said dumbly, cursing himself for being so awkward.

“Hi,” Matt replied with a low laugh that sounded breathless, “We’re so fucking glad you made it.” 

“Bring him inside, Matt,” Dan said from the door, “It’s nearly 3 am. The neighbors are going to think we’re crazy.” 

“We are crazy,” Matt said over his shoulder. He released Neil but didn’t go very far, he hovered as if he was worried that Neil would run off. Neil thought maybe he should.

“Come on,” Matt said, nodding toward the front door. Neil followed him inside. The house was warm and filled with soft yellow light. Neil let out a sigh of relief. 

Something inside him settled. He didn’t think it was possible, but a rush of familiarity filled his senses and left his insides feeling like putty. Even the curled beast of his anxiety was quiet and calm for once in his life. 

Neil followed Dan and Matt into the living room. He caught sight of an older man sitting on one of the couches, beside him sat a woman around the same age. Neil went stiff as the man stood up from his spot. He was the same height as his father. Neil couldn’t even attempt to hide his sudden recoil as the man took a step in his direction. 

The man eyed him warily. “My name is David Wymack,” He gestured to the woman sitting behind him, “This is Abby Winfield. You must be Nathaniel.” 

Neil felt like his spine was going to fall straight out of his body. All feelings of comfort quickly fled and were replaced with the inexplicable need to run. 

“Whoa,” Matt said quickly, placing firm hands on Neil’s shoulders, “Relax. He didn’t know.” 

Wymack looked between the two of them before settling his eyes on Matt for an explanation. 

“He goes by Neil now,” Matt explained, giving Neil’s shoulder’s a firm squeeze, a move that settled the gnawing in his chest, “Andrew told us.” 

Neil wanted to know how everyone seemed to have all of his secrets perfectly catalogued. 

“Sorry,” Wymack quickly said, “Neil, then.” 

Neil nodded. 

“Welcome,” Abby said, standing up from the couch and taking her place beside Wymack, “We’re glad you got here so quickly.” 

“Not quick enough.” 

Everyone turned to catch sight of Andrew standing by the window where he hadn’t been before. He seemed to be dripping wet, but it wasn’t raining outside. Neil was suddenly very aware that Andrew wasn’t really _here_. He knew that if he closed his eyes he could see what Andrew was seeing, wherever he was in the world. 

“24 hours was unrealistic,” Neil forced out.

Andrew waved a wet hand in dismissal but didn’t argue the point. 

“Why are you _wet_?” Dan asked.

“It’s raining,” Andrew said nonchalantly.

“Use an umbrella?” Dan suggested. Andrew ignored her.

“How does it feel, rabbit?” Andrew asked, directing his full attention to Neil, “You’ve finally reunited with your cluster.” 

“Most of it anyway,” Matt chimed in, “We’re sort of scattered across the globe at the moment.” 

“The rest will want to introduce themselves when they can,” Dan added, “It’s complicated.” 

“Isn’t it always,” Abby added softly, “I’ll make you something to eat. Are you hungry, Neil?” 

Neil shrugged. He thought he might throw up, but he kept that to himself. Matt pushed Neil towards one of the couches and forced him to sit down. Dan hovered nearby but didn’t dare touch. 

“He’s hungry,” Andrew replied for him. Abby nodded and disappeared into a room that Neil assumed was the kitchen. Wymack didn’t linger long. He looked at Neil for a moment longer, something like recognition sat behind his eyes. He didn’t say anything. He simply followed Abby out of the room and gave them all a moment of quiet. 

“We have a lot to talk about,” Dan said, taking a seat across from Neil. Matt sat down beside him and put a protective arm on the back of the couch. Andrew didn’t move from his spot by the window, but Neil didn’t expect him to. He looked completely wrecked with water dripping off his hair and into his face. He watched Neil with a detached expression, as if he was straining himself to be present for this. 

“Where are you?” Neil asked, surprising himself.

“Germany,” Andrew replied immediately, “Berlin to be exact.” 

“You’re in Berlin?” Dan asked, sounding surprised, “I thought Nicky lived in Stuttgart.” 

“He does,” Andrew said, but didn’t elaborate. Dan had a tense expression on her face, she looked as if she wanted to argue with him. Instead she said, “We will talk about this later.” 

Andrew raised an unimpressed eyebrow at her but didn’t say anything. 

Matt took that moment to clear his throat awkwardly, gaining back the attention of the room. 

“So,” He said, sitting up and removing his arm from behind Neil, “Neil.”

“Yes,” Neil said.

“It’s really good to finally meet you,” Matt offered, he smiled wide and Neil let himself soak it in before nodding.

“I know you probably have a lot of questions. We would have preferred the first person you met to be me or Matt, or Renee, but… Andrew found you first.. So..” Dan trailed off as she spoke, shooting regular looks in Andrew’s direction to gauge his reaction. Andrew continued to look bored and unaffected by it all. Neil wondered if their connection gave anything away when it came to how Andrew felt, but from the look of precaution on Dan’s face, he was sure that it didn’t.

“It’s fine,” Neil stated, “He helped me out.” 

“Saved your life,” Andrew corrected, “Or was the gun just for show?” 

Neil felt his lips turn up in a smirk of their own accord, not the dangerous smirk that he learned from his father, but his own. “I don’t know. I threw it out the window somewhere in Arkansas.”

“Now why would you throw away a perfectly good gun?” Andrew asked, his eyebrows were twitching upwards and Neil thought there was a gleam of amusement in his eyes. 

“I work better with knives,” Neil said.

“So I’ve heard. I’m still waiting for proof that you know how to defend yourself.” 

“This is weird,” Matt fake whispered, leaning toward Dan, “This is weird, right?” 

Dan gave Matt a smirk and shrugged. “I’m just glad that Andrew didn’t scare him away.”

“Wilds, you wound me,” Andrew said, placing a hand over his heart in mock shock, “You’ve all been pining to meet Neil since our cluster was born. Who was I to keep you apart?” 

Dan let out a single _hah!_ “You’re being so civil. Maybe Germany is good for you.” 

“It’s cold and wet,” Andrew said quickly, “It’s garbage.”

Neil watched the way Andrew, Dan, and Matt interacted. There was something easy in their pointless banter, years of knowing each other must have made them all closer, but there was a distinct way that Dan kept herself guarded that only someone like Neil would have noticed it. She was fluid when she spoke to Matt, her body language was easy and open, until she was reminded of Andrew’s presence and a strange tension seemed to settle in her shoulders. 

Neil wondered what the others thought of Andrew. Neil didn’t seem to think he was necessarily a bad person. The only red flag that had come off of Andrew was that he was dangerous, unpredictable. Neil didn’t know what to expect from him, and Neil didn’t think he would figure it out just simply by watching. There was no clear answer to Andrew in the way he held himself. Even now, he seemed far detached and indifferent to the people in the room. The only time his expression shifted was when his eyes caught Neil. 

Curiosity, or maybe something closer to _interest_. 

“This should really be about our guest,” Andrew said, cutting them all off as they bickered about the weather in Germany, “He’s starting to look like a rabbit again.” 

Neil hadn’t realized he was gripping his shirt in tight fists until Andrew had mentioned something. 

“It’s going to be a long story,” Dan said, looking rather sad, “But we can go through it all with you. If you want.” 

“Should we wait for the others?” Matt asked, “I know that Seth and Allison are busy, but Renee really wanted to be here.” 

“What about Kevin?” Andrew cut in, “Or is he still hiding in the basement.” 

“We haven’t told him,” Dan explained, “We didn’t know how.”

“You didn’t tell him that we found the 8th member of our cluster?” Andrew asked, sounding bored but slightly amused, “You didn’t tell him that his childhood friend was on the way here?” 

Neil turned his head in shock. _Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin_.

His brain searched for Kevin and what he landed on felt like a cold splash of water on his face. He saw green eyes and dark hair, and a wide grin. He saw the number two drawn on a cheek, over and over, he saw Kevin standing beside Riko Moriyama, looking tense and unsure of himself.

Neil remembered standing next to Kevin and watching his father carve a man to pieces. He remembered the sound of Kevin throwing up after. He remembered how his mother took him the next day and they ran. 

“Kevin _Day_?” Neil was finally able to spit out, he felt like he was choking, “He’s _here_?”

“He’s part of our cluster actually,” Dan explained, “Just like you.”

“We should explain what that means,” Matt said, “Neil is probably overwhelmed. Most of us just knew but, considering you’ve been blocked out from us for so many years…” He trailed off and made a waving motion with his hand. 

“We’re sensates,” Dan said, “We’re humans but different. We’re connected, kind of like a giant spider web. There are eight of us, me, Matt, Andrew, Kevin, Renee, Allison, Seth, and now you. We can visit each other, we can feel each other’s emotions. We can share things, like knowledge. When we visit we can take over for the other person. Sort of like what Andrew did for you.” 

Neil spared Andrew a passing glance. He was now leaning against the window with his arms crossed. He gave Neil a bemused look and Neil turned away. 

“Does that help?” Dan asked, “There is really too much to explain in one sitting.” 

“It’s also really complicated,” Mat added in unhelpfully.

“So I’ve heard,” Neil said.

“We can teach you how to visit,” Dan suggested, “I mean Andrew is literally out of the country. You can try going to him.” 

“He’s done it before,” Andrew commented, “The first time we met.” 

“Not on purpose though,” Dan chided, “He has to learn to do it with intent.” 

Neil didn’t have a chance to say anything about it. Suddenly there was a door flying open in the other room, someone yelling _Kevin don’t!_ And the sound of harsh footsteps leading straight up to the kitchen door.

Neil looked up just in time to come face to face with Kevin Day. 

Neil knew he didn’t look the way he did when they were kids. Neil had dyed his hair a dark brown and had been wearing brown contacts since he had run away from home. He thought that Kevin wouldn’t recognize him. It had been a long 10 years. 

But immediately, Kevin’s eyes went wide with recognition. 

“Nathaniel?!” He nearly shouted. Neil stood up from the couch. He couldn’t handle it. It was too much. Everything was too much all at once. Neil gripped the edge of his shirt as tightly as he could, he willed himself to calm down. He had said that if he needed to he would run. He still could. His duffel was on the floor right in front of him. All he had to do was pick it up and run. 

Neil blinked and suddenly he was under a torrential downpour. He looked up. The sky was dull from a heavy storm cloud. Neil lifted his face and let the rain soothe the ache under his skin.

He turned his head and caught sight of Andrew beside him. He was standing out in the rain, his blonde hair looked dark from the rain. The loose strands were stuck to the contours of his face. Neil let himself fall into the edge of his darkened eyes. Andrew just stared back at him, bored, unmoving. He was willing to burden all of Neil’s hurt. He stood there and took it as Neil let all of his anxiety slip into the space between them. 

“Why are you out here?” Neil asked. They were standing on the top floor of a parking garage. Andrew was leaning dangerously close to the railed edge. 

“Feeling,” Andrew replied. 

Neil nodded. He looked up once more and he let himself feel it.

“When I’m anxious,” Neil said softly, sure that his words were going to be hidden under the sound of the heavy rain, “I give myself 10 seconds in every language I know to feel it before I push it away.”

“Sounds healthy,” Andrew commented sarcastically, much softer he said, “How many languages do you know?” 

“Six,” Neil replied, “You?” 

“Six,” Andrew said, he was smirking, “Don’t forget that we share now.”

Neil let out the smallest laugh. He surprised himself with the ease of it. He watched Andrew for a moment longer.

“I ran,” Neil said, “I ran away from Kevin.” 

“Not really,” Andrew said, “You’re going to have to go back.” 

“I know.” 

“Give it a minute then,” Andrew said, “Let him sweat it out.” 

Neil snorted and smiled. Andrew gave him something close to a smile back.

They let the rain soak them to the core.

Neil stayed with Andrew at the top of the open parking garage for much longer than he needed. It was enough time for his seeking anxiety to dissipate into the clouds. It was enough time for him to put together every fraying piece of his psyche. Andrew didn’t speak. He simply leaned against the railing with his head tilted back.

Neil knew that he had to confront Kevin. He had to talk to him. 

They had been inseparable as children. He knew that his parents worked closely with Kevin’s mother, the infamous Kayleigh Day, but he was too young to understand it at the time. He didn’t feel much closer to the truth now. But that fated day when Nathan had cut that man to shreds in front of Neil, Riko, and Kevin had told Neil that his father’s line of work was bloody. 

Whenever his parents had to go meet with Kayleigh Day and the Moriyamas, they would bring Neil along. Neil would be brought into a large playroom on the second floor, far away from any business proceedings, and he would stay there with Kevin and Riko until Mary came and got him. 

He thought those days were the best days of his life. 

Riko was bossy and often times condescending, even as a child, and Neil enjoyed poking every one of his buttons until he would crack. Kevin would watch on in horror as Neil would give Riko his father’s smile and run his mouth. 

Riko never touched him, but his eyes always looked hungry for blood. 

Neil had been young then, too young to understand the complexity of his father’s dark world. Too young to understand what his mother had tried so hard to shield him from. But now he was starting to get it. 

“I’m ready,” he said to the sky, to the wind, to the rain, to all of Berlin, to Andrew.

“Then go,” Andrew said, “You don’t need me for this.” 

Neil looked to Andrew as he leaned against the edge of the parking garage. His hands were tight around the concrete fence, and his eyes were dark and watchful over Neil’s soaked frame. 

“What are you doing in Berlin?” Neil asked, because he thought he should. 

“Business,” Andrew answered cryptically, “Tick-Tock, you’re running out of time and I’m running out of patience.” 

“Patience?” Neil asked, amused, “You? I can’t even imagine.” 

“Ha-ha,” Andrew said dryly, “Let a man have not one- but two panic attacks in your presence and suddenly he thinks he knows you. Go away. I have work to do.” 

Neil didn’t leave just yet. He watched Andrew as he stood up straight from the edge of the railing and shook out the wet droplets from his hair. 

“If you need me,” Neil started, not sure what he was offering. 

“I’ll know where to find you,” Andrew finished, “Good luck.” 

Neil blinked and he was back in the living room of the Columbia house. Dan and Matt were hunched together whispering in the corner. Kevin was seated on the couch across from him, his head resting on his hands as he stared intently at Neil.

Well shit. He hadn’t really been prepared for the immediate face-to-face. He sort of wished he was back in Berlin. He looked towards the window and recognized the immediate lack of Andrew. He felt a loss but didn’t understand it. 

“You’re here,” Kevin stated, “You’re really here.” 

“I am,” Neil said, he was still standing above his duffel bag, his hands were itching to grab it and run. He thought he could hear Andrew’s voice whispering in his ear, _stop being a rabbit_. 

“We should talk,” Neil said finally. Kevin nodded. 

Dan and Matt rejoined them. Matt had a hand around Dan’s shoulder, his eyes were filled with something heavy. 

“Where should we start?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on [Tumblr.](http://stjosten.tumblr.com)
> 
> Story title is based on the series finale title of Sense8. (Which was a mix of satisfying and incredibly frustrating but that's neither here nor there)
> 
> Updates will be posted weekly or bi-weekly on. Depends on the week. You can check my tumblr for updates.


	2. Smart Money is on the Short One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit note: I have been informed that my descriptions of Berlin are super inaccurate and I apologize for that! I won’t be able to go in and edit it, because I’ve laid this fic to rest, but please be aware that past me did not research and is a big dumb dumb. Thanks!!!
> 
> I had to change a couple of things from the last chapter. I belatedly realized that all clusters are born on the same day - so they end up all being the same age. I thought it would be super unrealistic to have Andrew be a well known thief for hire at 19 so I changed the gap of time between the cluster being born to Neil being found to 10 years instead of 8. I should have made them all older but… It's too little too late so to speak. Oops. Please don’t judge my miscalculations here - I’m doing my best.
> 
> This chapter is pretty much completely in Andrew’s perspective. I am going to probably keep most of this story between Neil and Andrew’s POV. It will switch up if absolutely necessary. There is a lot of chatting in this and some more explanation as to what the fuck is going on. On a side note if there is any aspect of the sense8 universe that I am not explaining well PLEASE let me know so I can make changes. 
> 
> Chapter warnings: Implied/referenced bodily harm, Implied/referenced violence, straight up violence, fighting, background character death, guns, knives

#### Berlin, Germany - June 8th

Andrew had a specific set of skills. 

He knew how to gut a man with a spoon, but was much more efficient with a knife. He knew how to fight and not just with his fists. He had an eidetic memory, a blessing and a curse. He could pick any lock on any safe in under 2 hours. 

Above all Andrew was the one you called when you wanted something done quietly, efficiently, and effectively. Which is what brought him to Berlin. 

It was only mildly inconvenient that he had found Neil Josten when he was halfway across the world on business. Business wasn’t the right word for what Andrew was planning on doing, _heist_ would be more acceptable, but was far too pretentious for Andrew to admit out loud. 

He didn’t care about the image he portrayed, not to his cluster, and not to his family. What he did care about was what his _business_ could potentially mean for everyone else. If he made one mistake, if he fucked up even once, the heat would radiate all the way back to his family. 

If Andrew was anything, he was protective, and maybe a bit controlling. 

He tried not to think too much about it going south. If he kept his head on straight and focused on the job, he could be done and out of Berlin in a weeks time. 

The only issue was that finding Neil was turning out to be more than a mild inconvenience. He could still feel the annoying anxiety that the runaway radiated. The back of Andrew’s mind was full of Neil’s constant pestering. For some reason it was so much worse with Neil than it was with the others. He didn’t have to worry about the feelings of their cluster clouding his mind. They kept to themselves, or shared among themselves, more than they shared with him.

So the addition of Neil, _nagging_ so beautifully in the back of his mind was both inconvenient and distracting. Especially when Andrew’s inherent need to _protect_ reared its ugly head. He found himself trying to close off their connection, something that he was the most proficient at in their cluster, and kept failing miserably. 

He could cut everyone else off, why not him? 

Andrew tried not to think about the runaways stupid face full of obvious lies. He tried not to think about the curiosity in the back of his mind as to what Neil looked like underneath the contacts and hair dye. He thought he had an image of Neil in his head, much smaller but just as anxious, driving a car with a screaming woman in the passenger seat. Red, burning hair, stupidly blue, watery eyes. 

Andrew pushed it aside as he did most things. _Focus_ , he had to _focus_. 

Berlin was a wet mess for two days straight. He was meeting the main contact for his job, a wiry older man who he knew only as Nico, in the large, dusty public library in the center of Berlin. Andrew was trying to remain on task, keep his head clear, keep his eyes opened for any threats. But each time he tried to focus he could only hear Neil in the back of his head. 

_If the idiot showed up in the middle of this-_

He pushed the thought aside. If Neil showed up he would deal with it. It would be as simple as ignoring his existence. Andrew didn’t keep inhibitors on him. They barely had enough to keep Kevin drugged every second of the day. Even if they had enough, Wymack would openly refuse to supply Andrew with any. It was too risky going out on a job like this alone. Andrew might need back up and none of them would feel comfortable with him fleeing the country for a few weeks if he was cut off from them. 

It wasn’t like phones existed or anything, but he guessed that it didn’t matter to his cluster. They were fiercely loyal to a fault, even if Andrew was a monster. 

The sight of gray clothing caught his attention and he looked up in time to see his wiry, older contact, Nico slide into the seat in front of him. 

_One for dramatics._

Andrew leaned forward on the table in front of him. He kicked the leg of Nico’s chair to get his attention. 

Nico didn’t turn around. He looked over his shoulder at Andrew before looking back to a book he had brought with him. Andrew noted that it was a copy of _Odyssey_. He held back the desire to snort. _Very dramatic._

“What would you give to save a loved one?” The man asked in whispered German. Andrew was only slightly taken aback. Usually his contacts were more straight to the point, it seemed this guy wanted to play the long game. 

“Depends,” Andrew said, his voice low. He picked at the warped nail on his thumb, it never grew back correctly after he had accidentally dropped a heavy safe on it. “Do they deserve to be saved?” 

Nico rolled his shoulders but still didn’t turn around. 

“Is it about what people deserve?” Nico asked, “Have you never loved anything unconditionally?” 

Andrew saw a flash of a house on the West Coast of California. He bit the inside of his lip to keep the memory at bay. Now wasn’t the time for longing. 

“Money,” Andrew said, “Sex.” 

“A half life then.” 

“Better than the alternative.”

Nico didn’t like his answer it seemed. The man adjusted himself in his chair and closed the worn copy of Odyssey. 

“They say you’re quick,” Nico said. Andrew didn’t know who would be telling tales of his apparent job conquests, but he assumed they were stupid and had a death wish. 

“Sure,” Andrew replied, “I can be quick.” 

“I have a very important task,” the man said, “It needs to be done quickly and quietly.” 

“I’m sure it does.” 

Nico finally looked over his shoulder to assess Andrew. His eyes didn’t wander far past his face. Andrew could see the uncertainty in his eyes. It wasn’t common to call in a favor and have a 5 foot nothing American show up to complete the job. 

But like the man said, _Andrew was quick_. 

“Ten percent of the cut,” the man said, “No more, no less.” 

“Sounds like you don’t know how much the cut is going to be,” Andrew said, leaning forward even more to crowd Nico’s face, “Thirty or nothing.” 

The man contemplated this for a moment. Andrew thought he looked rather unassuming. A pair of round glasses was perched on his slightly crooked nose. He looked far too scholarly to be the type to request a jewelry heist. Andrew wasn’t one to judge. 

“Twenty,” the man said, as if this was a negotiation.

Andrew leaned back and crossed his arms, he pretended to contemplate it. He heard Neil in the back of his head, he pushed it away. 

“Thirty, or nothing. I don’t like repeating myself.” 

The man turned to face forward. He picked up his copy of Odyssey and stood up from his chair. 

“Fine. I’ll be in touch.” 

Andrew watched him leave the library. He contemplated getting up and venturing to find something to eat. Instead he let the nagging sensation of Neil pull his mind elsewhere.

 _He had time_. At least he convinced himself he did. 

*  
Neil was pacing around the front of Abby and Wymack’s suburban prison looking like the rabbit he was. Andrew let him pace back and forth several times before he made his presence known. 

“I see you haven’t run away yet,” he stated. 

Neil froze and turned to look at him. The first thing that Andrew noticed was the blue. The second was the frazzled look behind the blue.

“Wow,” Andrew said, _fuck_ he sounded like those eyes affected him, “A surprising piece of honesty. How does that feel?” 

Neil only sent him a glare and turned to continue his pacing. 

“What? No warm welcome? Hi, Andrew. How’s Berlin? Oh you know, fucking wet.” 

“Why _are_ you in Berlin?” Neil asked. 

“Because I enjoy the weather so ardently,” Andrew replied, “Why else?” 

Neil gave him an impressive look of annoyance. At least he had stopped pacing. 

“What is it?” Andrew asked, finally giving in, “You're like a poster child for Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Care to share with the class?” 

“I spoke to Kevin,” Neil said. 

“I’m aware. I’m guessing it didn’t go well?” 

Neil ran his hands through his hair several times, until the messy brown was sticking up in several different places. Andrew wanted to reach out and tug- 

_Stop that._

“It was fine,” Neil lied. 

“Wow,” Andrew said, “Amazing that you actually thought that would work on me.” 

What he didn’t say was that it would probably work on the others. He didn’t think they could feel Neil as strongly as Andrew could, he wasn’t sure _why_ and he really didn’t want to. 

“Can we talk somewhere else?” Neil asked, finally setting those pretty blue eyes back on Andrew. 

“Fine,” he said, because he couldn’t say no when Neil was looking at him like that. 

Andrew turned his head. He was suddenly back in the library. He looked to his left to see Neil standing beside his chair, eyes sweeping across the entire room. Andrew could see the rabbit peeking through. Neil was cataloging every single door and window, he was figuring out which exists were the fastest, he was checking every single person in view to see if they were a threat. 

Interesting. 

Andrew abruptly stood, making far too much noise for the library, and started toward the exit. He didn’t need to look back to know that Neil was following him.

It was raining again. Because, of fucking course it was. 

“I can feel that annoyance,” Neil said, he was trying to be teasing but his words were full of wonder, he was really starting to feel their connection now, “I’m starting to wonder why you’re really in Berlin. It’s definitely not the weather.” 

“Perceptive,” Andrew said with boredom, “I’m sure a dog could have figured that out faster.” 

“So why Berlin?” Neil asked, he was keeping pace with Andrew but his eyes were wandering across the landscape. It wasn’t out of curiosity, it was out of nostalgia.

“For the authentic bratwurst,” Andrew replied. Neil snorted and Andrew decided to quickly change the subject. He never told the others what he did when he went out on _business_ , sometimes only Renee, he wasn’t going to start by telling Neil now. “What did Kevin say? Is he the reason you’ve ditched your contacts?” 

“Yes,” Neil replied shortly, “We had a nice little reunion. Did you know that he doesn’t have a fucking backbone and he’s useless?”

Now it was Andrew’s turn to snort. 

“I’m guessing you told him as such,” Andrew replied. He turned a corner and Neil turned with him without missing a beat. 

“Of course I did,” Neil said, “I spent the last ten years of my life _running_ , surviving, and Kevin, when faced by the smallest threat just, gives up.” 

“I’m guessing he told you about Riko,” Andrew said. 

Andrew was intimately familiar with Kevin’s sob story. 

Kevin was born to Kayleigh Day and David Wymack. He was promptly torn from his father and handed straight to the Moriyamas. Kayleigh, who shared a cluster with Wymack, and couldn’t hide the fact that Kevin was his child, opted for taking inhibitors to keep Wymack away. 

All of this because Tetsuji Moriyama and Kengo Moriyama had their talons sunk deeply into Kayleigh’s back. She had been lied to, told that she was helping save the world by bringing in more sensates for the Moriyamas and their sham research group, BPO, to do experiments on. Kayleigh caused an unnecessary amount of deaths. Clusters died in waves at the hands of BPO, all because Kayleigh led them straight to the Moriyamas. 

Kevin still couldn’t find it in himself to forgive her, he also couldn’t seem to forget her. 

Andrew didn’t care either way, she was dead, so it didn’t matter. 

It was right after Kayleigh had realized that Kengo was funding dangerous experiments on the clusters she had procured, that Kayleigh had put Kevin on a bus to South Carolina to find his father. 

The Moriyamas didn’t know about David Wymack, that was their first mistake. 

The second mistake was letting the youngest Moriyama loose, especially with his never ending daddy complex, he followed Kevin as far as Virginia, where he snatched him, broke his hand and tried to kill him. 

Unluckily for him their cluster had been born premature. Andrew had taken over for Kevin. He had snapped Riko’s arm like a pencil. Sometimes he would pull the memory up and replay it like a movie in his head. The sound Riko made when he screamed was more satisfying than any drug Andrew had ever taken. He didn’t think anything could ever top it. 

Now Riko was under lock and key back in New York City. His uncle was supposed to keep him in check. Andrew thought that Tetsuji was just as bad, but so far they hadn’t had any incidents, so it was a non-issue. 

Their cluster kept tabs on BPO and the Moriyamas, Wymack kept Kevin on inhibitors, and Andrew kept his promise to watch all of their backs. 

It worked. 

“He told me _all_ about Riko Moriyama,” Neil said, “A smug little shit who isn’t anywhere close to being a threat. He also happened to tell me that my father hunts sensates for the Moriyamas. He’s also convinced that I’m going to hand all of you right to him. Because I _ran_ for ten goddamn years just to go back to that- that _monster_ so I can give him Kevin fucking Day.” 

Andrew tried to keep up with Neil. It seemed that Neil _rambled_ much more than Andrew thought he would, considering his first instinct was to run first, ask questions later. 

He knew the barebones of Neil’s connection to the Moriyamas. He also knew that Wymack was aware of Neil’s father. It was, however, a non-issue, like Riko. What Kevin lacked was his connection to their cluster. Neil was an open book in their connection, without it Kevin couldn’t trust him. He was never able to take anything at face value, he always had to feel it. 

“Has anyone ever told you,” Andrew started- before he could regret it, “That you have a fucking _mouth_ on you.” 

Neil shot him a coy smirk before saying, “Are you saying you like my mouth?” 

Andrew would have laughed if he was a different person. 

“I’m saying that you never shut up and you talk too much shit for your own good,” Andrew said, “Kevin is paranoid to a fault. His best friend broke his hand and tried to kill him. Kevin trusted him with his life. He doesn’t trust so easily anymore and he’s on too many inhibitors to feel your sincerity through the cluster’s connection. He’ll either figure it out or come crying to me about it. If he does I’ll put him in his place.” 

Andrew stopped walking when he had reached his temporary apartment building. He pulled out his key and unlocked the door to the front hallway. The entire place was falling apart at the seams, but it was cheap and the landlord didn’t ask too many questions. 

He held the door open for Neil to slip in ahead of him, and then followed. 

“Why do you have an apartment in the middle of Berlin?” Neil asked. Andrew ignored him. He walked past the apartment manager, who was sitting in her wrinkled desk chair behind plexiglas, and walked up the stairs to his apartment. 

Neil stayed close behind, but he wasn’t surprised by this. 

Once inside the nearly empty, temporary apartment, Andrew threw off his jacket and sank right into the old, abused couch. Neil didn’t mention Kevin again and Andrew was grateful that he didn’t have to rehash the same sob story for the hundredth time. Andrew could tell that it was still bothering him, even if Neil didn't mention it.

Andrew was torn between his natural desire to be protective and his spite at being too welcoming too soon. He settled for a happy medium. 

“He will grow to trust you. You should start believing me when I tell you things. I brought you to the foxes didn't I?” 

“Foxes?” Neil asked, he had been wandering around the living room and examining every piece of furniture he could find, which wasn’t a lot. He finally stopped moving to stare right at Andrew. 

_God_ \- Andrew was never going to get sick of those eyes. 

“It’s what Wymack calls our cluster,” Andrew said as if it was the most uninteresting thing in the world, “It’s pretentious.” 

Neil hummed and shrugged his shoulders. Andrew immediately realized that the little shit liked the nickname. Neil was going from a minor inconvenience to a straight up problem. 

“You still haven’t told me why you’re in Berlin,” Neil said, trying again for an answer. 

Andrew wished Neil was more submissive like Matt or Dan. They were far too intimidated by Andrew to keep poking and prodding. Neil did not share in their caution. He had a death wish and a finger specifically for poking. 

Andrew decided to throw him a bone. “I said I had business.” 

“What kind of business?” 

“The kind that keeps me busy,” Andrew replied. 

“Really?” Neil asked, he was smirking but there was something dangerous about it, “You don’t seem busy.” 

“You’re right,” Andrew said, “I’m currently entertaining a pipe dream who has a loud mouth and a death wish. It seems I have far too much free time on my hands.” 

Neil crossed the room and sat on the couch and faced Andrew, one leg crossed under the other. Their knees bumped together, Andrew didn’t pull away, too tempted by Neil’s warmth through their connection. It was dangerous, Andrew thought, all of this _wanting_ he was doing. 

“Why don’t you tell the others what you’re doing out here?” Neil asked, “I thought you couldn’t keep secrets from your cluster.” 

“I said _you_ can’t keep secrets from the cluster,” Andrew said, “I didn’t say anything about me.” 

“And you’re different, how?” Neil asked. There was something in those eyes that held Andrew’s attention. Interest, curiosity, longing. Andrew thought that they may look just like his own. 

“I’m better at blocking out the connection than you are,” Andrew said, “Call it ten years of experience under my belt.” 

“How do you do it? I thought the only way to block the connection was by using inhibitors?” Neil asked, tilting his head slightly. 

Ah, they really had talked about everything.

“It’s not the same,” Andrew explained, before he could stop himself, “Inhibitors block the entire system. Can’t connect with anyone, not even sensates outside of your cluster. They make you a boring, sense-less human. What I do is strategic.” 

“Explain,” Neil said. 

“No,” Andrew replied, “That’s boring.” 

Neil let out a low groan. Andrew felt the corners of his lips quirking upwards. It was just too easy.

“Ask better questions,” Andrew said, “Now go away. I have things to do.” 

“You always say that,” Neil said, he almost sounded like he was pouting. 

Andrew sighed. “What do you want from me, Neil?” 

“The truth.” 

Andrew felt a flash of a memory: Neil driving a stolen car, his hands too tight around the steering wheel, his breathing uneven.

_“What do you really want?”_

_“The truth.”_

Andrew bit the inside of his mouth to keep the memory away. 

“Fine,” Andrew said, “One truth and then you leave. Got it?” 

Neil nodded several times. Far too eager for Andrew’s liking, but it sent a thrill down Andrew’s spine.

“People hire me to complete specific tasks,” Andrew said as vaguely as he could. 

“Tasks? Like murder for hire?” 

“Why was your first thought murder? You know what - don’t tell me, I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually. No - not _murder for hire_ , stealing, thieving, cat-burglaries, etcetera,” Andrew said.

Neil’s eyes flared with interest. Andrew hated it. 

“So you’re a glorified burglar,” Neil said, his voice was full of amusement.

Andrew was annoyed. 

“I answered your question,” Andrew said, “I told you one truth. Now leave.” 

Neil sighed but didn’t argue, which was surprising. He stood up like he could walk out the door and leave, but Andrew knew that he couldn’t. 

“If you need me-“ Neil started as he did yesterday morning in the parking garage. 

“I’ll know where to find you,” Andrew replied quietly. 

With that Neil was gone. 

*

#### Berlin - June 11

It took several days for his contact to get back to him. In that time Andrew had kept himself busy the only way he knew how. He went to sleazy German bars and found willing and eager German men to pull into the dirty bathrooms so he could get off. 

He could only get away with it once, one time of imaging Neil’s mouth wrapped around him, rather than the hulking German man he had selected, was far too many. Andrew didn’t need distractions. He needed the money that came from a jewelry heist. He needed results. 

Nico was a man that enjoyed dramatics. He had left a copy of _Odyssey_ with the front manager of Andrew’s apartment, he wasn’t even sure how the man got his address, with a note inside that said to meet him at the holocaust memorial. 

Andrew felt an itching feeling the entire way from his apartment to the memorial. He tried to keep his head on straight. Tried not to alert anyone in his cluster to his apparent, and unnecessary anxiety. Neil was rubbing off on him too much, he was starting to see the world the way Neil saw it. Everything was a threat. Andrew was familiar with the sentiment. 

He had arrived at the memorial on time, a large hulking maze of concrete slabs. Andrew felt buried under the towering concrete. He was sure he would never find Nico in the maze, but he was wrong. Nico was right by the entrance waiting for him. 

Andrew felt a familiar presence at his back. He didn’t have to turn to know that Renee was visiting him. Apparently he wasn’t as good at masking his emotions from the cluster as he thought he was. He was just glad it was Renee and not one of the others. 

He pointedly ignored her and went straight to Nico. 

“Have you found love yet?” Nico asked conversationally, as Andrew approached. 

Andrew saw a flash of blue eyes, the tilt of a stupid face, a soft smile just for Andrew. 

“Is it that easy?” Andrew asked.

Nico didn’t reply. He started walking into the maze and Andrew followed him. 

The rain had stopped in Berlin, but the concrete still looked dark and wet. He tried not to let his nerves flair to life. Anything could happen out of the public eye. Andrew was suddenly very grateful for Renee at his back. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t even try to reach him through their connection, she stayed a foot away from him at all times. Andrew could almost see the hard worn expression on her face in his mind's eye. 

“I met my first love right after the Berlin wall went up,” Nico said, as if it was a conversation that Andrew gave a shit about, “She was beautiful, with fair skin, and bright eyes. She was constantly challenging me. I had to keep up with her in every single way. However, she was broken, her entire family was on the other side of the wall. She did not think she could ever see them again. I would have done anything to keep her. I would have broken down the wall myself if it would make her smile. That was unconditional love.” 

“What happened to her?” Andrew asked. They came to a stop far enough inside the memorial that no one would disturb them. Andrew looked over Nico’s hunched form, as if the weight of his words had become too heavy for him to burden.

“She died of a broken heart in the 70s,” Nico said sadly, “I never loved another again. Not as much as her.” 

Andrew spared a glance in Renee’s direction. She was in a loose fitting dress, something far too formal for casual wear. Andrew wondered what she was doing before she had decided to answer his accidental SOS. Renee gave him a knowing look, the same one that she gave him whenever she knew something that Andrew refused to acknowledge. He hated it. 

“That’s unfortunate,” Andrew replied, because it seemed like the thing to say. Nico only nodded. 

“You don’t have to give me false niceties,” Nico answered, “You would never understand that pain until you have something you love more than your own life.” 

Andrew thought about taking the hits meant for his twin brother when they were younger, he thought about beating four men close to death when they tried to jump Nicky, he thought about breaking Riko’s arm for Kevin, he thought about forcing Matt’s hand when it came to his drug addiction, he thought about stepping into a fight ring and taking over for Renee when she came face to face with her abusive boss, Andrew thought about Neil. 

Being a sensate was a challenge for Andrew. He had already started to push down anything close to feeling when he was just 11. When their cluster was born he had realized that he couldn’t hide it anymore. There were now six other people who had managed to worm their way into his carefully controlled psyche. He had no choice but to let them in. It was either, he ended his life to avoid the inconvenience, or he learned to feel again. 

He had been dangerously close to choosing the first option when he had met Aaron. Things changed after that. He let the cluster win. Now he couldn’t imagine a world without them. 

“You may be surprised,” Andrew said, “I value many things over my own life. Doesn’t mean it’s love.” 

Nico gave him a contemplative look, the kind that many therapists had given Andrew over the years. The look that said that they were trying to figure him out.

“I’m not sure if you simply don’t value yourself enough or if you love these things without realizing it,” Nico replied. 

Andrew wanted to tell him that he didn’t believe in a childish emotion like love. Love was for people like Dan and Matt, people who were soft around the edges and didn’t fear what love would cost them. Andrew wasn’t a soft person. He didn’t think he was capable of loving anything. 

“You asked me here on business,” Andrew stated, “Not to psychoanalyze my perception of love.”

Nico nodded. He checked through the maze just once, to be sure that they were completely alone, before taking up post across from Andrew, leaning against the tall concrete. 

“There is a man in Berlin,” Nico said, “He took everything from me and I want to get back at him.” 

“All this for revenge?” Andrew replied, “Is it worth it?” 

“I asked you what you would do for a loved one,” Nico replied, “You don’t need to understand my reasoning. You just need to do your job.” 

Andrew spared a glance to Renee. She was standing between the concrete slabs, looking out of place in all of the dark gray. Her hair was now simply blonde, no longer sporting the rainbow edges that she often wore when she wasn’t off working. She kept her dark eyes on Andrew and Andrew only. He thought she was looking straight through him. 

“You’re right,” He finally said, “I don’t give a shit why you want me to do it. Just tell me what you want me to do.”

“This man is highly respected. Rich, well known, has a penthouse on the nicer side of Berlin. He has a stash of twenty five round cut diamonds hidden in a safe in his home. He stole them from my love’s family when we were attending her funeral. I want you to take them back. I will pay you with thirty percent of the diamonds.” 

Andrew tried to calculate how much money that would be, but his brain was short circuiting. 

“Thought she died in the 70s?” Andrew asked, “Why now?” 

“Because it took me almost 40 years to find him,” Nico replied. 

“Are you in it for the money or because you want some sense of justice?” Andrew asked, because he was curious. 

“I thought my motivation wasn’t your concern?” 

Renee let out a soft laugh beside him. Andrew ignored it. 

“Fine,” Andrew said, “Give me his address. Tell me everything you know about him, his work schedule, his family, I want every detail you’ve gotten your hands on.” 

Nico’s wrinkled face twisted into a cruel smile. 

_Sometimes_ , Andrew thought, _Love could be an incredibly dangerous emotion._

*  
He left the memorial with a new determination in his step and a solid plan toward how he was going to accomplish this job. He didn’t account for Renee sticking around after the meeting with Nico and hounding him for answers. 

“So you’re working a heist?” She asked casually, as if she didn’t already know the answer. 

“I thought that was obvious,” Andrew said under his breath. He didn’t like talking to the other members of the cluster when he was in public. Something about the way people stared at him as he talked to himself was unsettling. 

No one could see the others when they visited, it was something that Andrew learned quickly when he first started getting visitors. He would talk to Kevin in hushed voices in his room until Cass would come knocking and ask who he was talking to. He didn’t like the concerned look in her eyes. So he pretended he had been reading out loud. 

“You didn’t tell me,” Renee said, “You usually give me a heads up when it’s dangerous.”

 _I don’t have to tell you everything_ , Andrew wanted to say, _I don’t owe you anything_. Instead he said, “It's easier when I work alone.” 

“I know that,” Renee said, “But it’s dangerous.”

“It’s a simple jewelry heist,” Andrew said, easily switching to Korean so that anyone passing by wouldn’t think twice about what he was saying. Renee caught on and switched over as well. Andrew wondered if Korean was one of the languages Neil spoke before he met the cluster. He tried not to think too much about it.

“You’re distracted,” Renee said simply, “You know it isn’t just a simple heist.” 

Andrew wanted to tell her that she was wrong. He wanted to tell her to mind her own fucking business and to go back to whatever bullshit she was doing before she came to bother him. He knew that he should be thankful for Renee. She was the only one in the cluster that respected Andrew’s need for space. She was also the only one he trusted with his entire life. 

“I’m not distracted,” Andrew said, “Why would I be distracted?.” He knew the answer. 

“Neil,” Renee said simply, as if that name didn’t hold more weight to it. 

Andrew clenched his jaw, he felt the familiar ache of his teeth grinding against each other. He lifted his warped thumb nail to his lips and started biting around the skin. 

“It’s nothing,” He said out loud, hoping that it would make it true. 

Renee hummed as if she didn’t believe him. Andrew didn’t believe himself. 

“Where are you anyway?” Andrew decided to say, cutting off the dangerous discussion of Neil. 

“India,” Renee replied, “Volunteering for a humanitarian organization that helps bring Telo-Pharma medicine to underprivileged groups.” 

“The truth?” 

“I’m investigating Telo-Pharma’s relationship with BPO. They’re mass producing inhibitors,” She stated, “Not common knowledge, but we’ve been working on a lead from Jean.” 

Jean, Jean, Jean Val Jean.

“Of course,” Andrew said, “Because we listen to anything that BPO slave says.” 

“He’s useful,” Renee explained, “And he’s a good friend.” 

Andrew ignored that comment. He didn’t want to know the intricate workings of Renee’s relationship with Jean, one of the BPO Sensate hunters that Kevin had met as a child. He was Riko’s right hand up until Riko went haywire. Now he was working on his own out of New York City. Renee had only had to look him in the eyes once to establish their connection. Jean came off of inhibitors once a month to make contact with Renee and keep her updated on BPO’s workings. It was useful, and stupidly dangerous. 

“Found anything yet?” Andrew asked. He pulled out his cigarettes and lit one. The smell was starting to remind him more and more of Neil and less and less of his own addiction. He threw the cigarette to the ground without taking a drag and stomped it out. He pulled out another and lit it. 

Renee chose to ignore his behavior. “Nothing substantial,” She said, “I have been noticing that they’re giving us counterfeit drugs that barely work. I think they’re using expired ingredients.” 

“Terrible,” Andrew said sarcastically.

“It really is,” Renee replied, as if Andrew wasn’t mocking her. 

“How much longer will you be out there?” he asked. 

“A few more weeks. I’ll probably leave in July. I can’t keep working this lead if I can’t get into the corporate offices. I need an in.” 

“Ask Allison,” Andrew decided to say, although he hated suggesting using Allison for anything. The most elusive member of their cluster was a drama queen that liked to cause more problems than solve them. Andrew thought she would get along with Neil well enough. 

“She’s busy,” Renee said gently, “Her and Seth are still in London. They’ve been invited to the annual BPO benefits ball.” 

Andrew stopped walking to shoot Renee a look. He knew that his eyes were filled with fire, but Renee didn’t react. 

“And she didn’t think about mentioning this to anyone?” Andrew asked, “She’s a fucking idiot. She isn’t going to attend is she?”

“Of course she is,” Renee replied, “That’s the whole point of her and Seth being in London. Stay close to BPO Headquarters and keep tabs. She managed to worm her way into their inner circle. She’s been working on this for months.” 

Andrew now regretted ignoring Allison as much as he did. 

“Why didn’t she say anything?” He asked, “Does everyone else know that this is going on?” 

“Of course,” Renee said, “You’re the one that’s out of the loop.” 

Andrew was _really_ regretting ignoring Allison. 

“Fuck,” He said emphatically. He dropped his cigarette once again and crushed it under the toe of his boot. 

“You should try coming to the monthly meetings,” Renee said, but she was smiling as if she was enjoying this. 

“We have monthly meetings?” Andrew asked, “What, do we have fucking scheduled zoom conferences?” 

Renee laughed, light and cheerful like a bell. It calmed some of Andrew’s boiling anger. 

“Something like that,” She said jokingly. Her face quickly went serious, “I mean it though. This is dangerous. We have a lot going on right now, especially with the BPO benefits ball coming up. You should drop this and go home.” 

Andrew wanted to say he didn’t have a home. He had places he stayed across the entire world, but nothing that was just his. He felt Neil niggling at the back of their connection. Andrew attempted to push him away, but he didn’t try nearly hard enough. He felt Neil in every sense of the word. 

“I have a pest making a call,” Andrew said, as a way of dismissal, “This has been very enlightening. Go back to your _volunteering_ and I’ll go back to heisting.” 

Renee gave him a worried look. She cared far too much about him, it was unsettling and unfamiliar.

“Don’t regret this, Andrew,” Renee said, “We need you.” 

They needed him but he didn’t need them. He felt the wrongness of it even as he thought it. He looked down to his black boots. Rain was starting to drop onto the pavement around him. He felt a drop hit him square in the back of the head. When he looked up Renee was gone. 

It started pouring. 

*

#### Berlin - June 12

Andrew had managed to ignore Neil for an entire day. In that time he had managed to get every piece of information he needed to complete his heist. It was simple. 

The diamonds were in a heavy duty, depository safe in Garren Dietrich’s living room. He lived in a penthouse in the north end of Berlin. Every weeknight at around 5 pm, Garren would leave his house and go get drinks with his “colleagues.” Nico had caught the same pattern in his schedule. He would leave at 5 pm and show back up around 12 am. He had a 6 hour window to get in, crack the safe, take the diamonds, and fuck off. 

Andrew could do this. He was quick. He was efficient. He never fucked up. 

He was worried he might fuck up. 

He was never nervous about a break-in. He had successfully completed 10 heists by the time he was 18. He was 21 now. His hands were steadier, he could pick virtually any lock. He shouldn’t be so goddamn nervous. 

At 5:30 pm he got into Garren Dietrich’s apartment without much fuss. He had slipped in and gotten into the penthouse suite using a stolen code that Nico had given him. He was glad that Nico had done most of the footwork here, Andrew didn’t have patience for researching, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t do it, it just meant that he would complain about it the entire time. 

It was all a bit too convenient really, he should have realized it sooner, but he didn’t pay it any mind. He wasn’t thinking straight. Renee had been right. He was distracted.

Andrew found the safe right where it was supposed to be, tucked between two over priced statues in the corner of the living room. He gave himself a few minutes to admire the apartment, it looked like Allison had decorated it, he thought she would enjoy the gratuitous, overpriced art and statues. He hated it, but that didn’t change the fact that it was almost comical to look at. 

Andrew pulled out everything he needed to crack the safe right open. He could use a drill, that was the easiest course of action, but it was unnecessarily loud and Andrew would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy a challenge. 

Andrew made himself comfortable in front of the safe. He pulled out his headphones and plugged them into the end of his noise amplifier, he stuck it to the front of the safe and got to work. 

At best he could get a safe open in under 2 hours. This one was different. It was reinforced, heavy duty, had multiple chambers and a 6 digit code rather than the usual 3. It was going to take him a while. 

At the two hour mark he was still stuck on the last digit. He gave out a frustrated huff and dropped his headphones to the ground. He stood up, stretched his aching legs and wandered into the kitchen. He had pulled out a beer from the fridge, an expensive tasteless brand that he couldn’t stand, and cracked it open when he caught sight of Neil. 

He looked different, Andrew realized, Neil’s hair had been cut to something more respectable from the rather shaggy mess he had been sporting before. He looked well rested, less like a rabbit and more like a real person. 

“Hey,” Neil said softly. He was standing at a distance, as if he didn’t want to startle Andrew. 

“Hey,” Andrew replied dumbly. 

Neil looked past Andrew into the living room. His eyes lit up when he caught sight of the safe. 

“You weren’t kidding,” he said, too much excitement behind those words, Andrew almost laughed at him, “You really are a cat-burglar.” 

“I don’t lie,” Andrew replied. He watched Neil walk out of the kitchen and into the living room. He stopped by the safe and examined Andrew’s work space. 

“Are you close?” Neil asked, not bothering to look up from the mess Andrew had made. 

Andrew checked the time on the stove before exiting the kitchen. He pushed Neil out of the way and dropped back down to kneel in front of the safe. 

“Stuck on the last number,” Andrew replied, it was taking much longer than he had wanted. He had a measly 4 hours left to get the safe cracked, take the diamonds, and get out. He needed to give himself a 30 minute cushion in case Dietrich got back early. Neil was an unnecessary distraction. 

“What’s the code?” Neil asked, “So far, I mean.” 

Andrew gave him a quizzical look before saying, “60, 22, 15, 15, and 10.” 

Neil looked surprised, Andrew watched him think for a moment before he let out a loud, surprised laugh. 

“What?” Andrew asked, confused. 

“It’s Avogadro’s constant,” Neil said as if it was obvious, “Try 23.” 

Andrew continued to stare at Neil like he had never seen him before. Neil nudged Andrew in the shoulder with his knee. Andrew rolled his eyes. It was going to be a waste of time, but he couldn’t help but humor Neil, especially when he was standing there looking so soft under the penthouse’s glowing lights.

He went through the entire sequence before finishing on 23. He heard the familiar click of the tumbler. His fingers went completely stiff on the dial.

“You’re fucking kidding me,” Andrew said under his breath. He leaned back and pulled the handle on the safe. It swung open. 

“What the _fuck_ , Neil?”

“Seems your boy is a math nerd,” Neil said with a smirk. 

“So it seems,” Andrew said, he winced internally at his own double meaning. Neil didn’t stop smiling at him. 

The safe was empty save for a velvet black bag. He pulled it out and tugged it open. Inside sat 25 circle cut diamonds, perfectly cut and crystal clear. 

Andrew let out a low whistle before closing the bag once again. 

“Jesus,” Neil said, having caught sight of the contents of the bag, “How much is that worth?” 

“I don’t know, math nerd,” Andrew said, he started to clean up his mess of tools, “2 carrot diamonds like this cost about 35,000 US dollars a piece. Do the math.” 

“So it isn’t about the money?” Neil asked. Andrew performed a slight of hand with the diamonds before returning the velvet container back into the safe. He looked up to Neil, who was hovering beside him before saying, “Neil, it’s _always_ about the money. There are only a few truths in life. Money, Sex, Sunrise, Death.” 

Andrew closed the safe and stood up, shouldering his bag of tools.

“Everything else is bullshit,” He finished. 

Neil watched him for a moment. Those bluest-blue eyes looked straight through Andrew. He felt them peering into the inside of his soul. He wanted to look away, but he didn’t.

“I don’t know about that,” Neil said softly, “Money and Sex aren’t inevitable.” 

“Interesting.” 

Andrew, for once, allowed the warm curl of _something_ to come to life in his stomach. Neil, his hair curling around the edges of his eyes, looked at Andrew as he always did. The same look that was hooking Andrew and sending him straight into a downward spiral. 

_Distracting._

The door to the apartment clicked open. Andrew went stark still. Neil’s eyes went wide. They both turned. 

He should have known better. That sinking feeling of anxiety had meant something, Andrew should learn to start trusting his own instincts. But alas, he had been too stubborn to stop going after this job. He didn’t know if it was Nico’s dramatic vengeance that had hooked him, or his own spiteful behavior, attempting to convince everyone and himself that he wasn’t affected by Neil. Whatever the reason was, his hindsight was now 20/20. 

Andrew, although he knew that Neil was not actually there, grabbed Neil by the wrist and dragged him away from the living room and towards the back bedroom. 

He didn’t have a plan. There was no other exit from the apartment than through the front door, not unless he wanted to throw himself out of a window. A fall that would definitely kill him. 

He shut the bedroom door and shoved Neil behind him. He wasn’t sure if Neil was shaking or if he was. He kept his hand around Neil’s wrist. 

“What the fuck are you going to do?” Neil whispered. 

“I don’t know,” Andrew said hastily, his voice was laced with fear, he hated it, “You’re the runaway. You tell me.” 

“I don’t know this apartment,” Neil said quickly, sounding just as stressed, “If I knew the layout-”

Andrew cut him off, “I know it. I have it memorized. If I know it. You know it. Okay?” 

Neil nodded. “Okay.” 

Andrew watched Neil think. His eyes shifted around the room. He was reminded of the moment in the library when Neil assessed every single person and exit in the space. Neil was continuing the same action but this time he was doing it all inside his head. 

“It’s not possible,” Neil said, his eyes finally coming back to Andrew, “There is no way to avoid the living room.” 

Andrew breathed in through his nose and blew it out in a single flare of air. He gripped Neil’s wrist as tightly as he could manage without breaking his own hand.

Neil didn’t flinch.

“We can wait,” Andrew said, “Or we can fight our way out.” 

“Do you have a gun?” Neil asked, nodding toward Andrew’s bag. Andrew shook his head. 

He released Neil to tug up the sleeves of his shirt. He showed Neil the black armbands, tugging out a long, thin knife. 

“It’s going to have to do,” Neil said. He pulled the knife out the rest of the way and twirled it in his hand. Andrew could feel their connection flair suddenly. 

“What are you planning?” Andrew asked, “I can take care of myself.” 

“I didn’t ask,” Neil said, he gave Andrew a fierce stare, a stare that could melt ice. 

They stared at each other in a silent war. Andrew was probably going to lose. He didn’t think he could stand down when Neil looked at him like that. 

_God- now wasn’t the time for this._

“Oh, _Minyard_!” 

Andrew and Neil both went stark still. 

“He wasn’t supposed to be back for four more hours,” Andrew said darkly, “I’ve been fucking made. This was a set up. As soon as I get my hands on that fucking old asshole I’m going to cut his fucking throat.” 

“Stop,” Neil said quickly, “We can think about that later. Right now you need to focus on getting out of here alive.” 

“I know you’re here!” The voice came calling from down the hall. Andrew could hear the shuffling of feet, there had to be at least three other people in the apartment. 

_Fuck._

He pulled a knife from his arm band and held it tightly in his hand.

“A little birdie told me that you and yours have been sticking your noses where they don't belong!” 

Andrew and Neil locked eyes.

Andrew didn’t need to be told what the man was talking about. He knew immediately that he was talking about the cluster and their watchful eye on BPO. No one was supposed to know that Allison, Renee, or Seth was a part of their cluster. There was no _evidence_ to prove that they were. They stayed disconnected from the rest of them, they kept their heads down and only reached out when they needed something important. 

Belatedly Andrew remembered their monthly meetings. _Fucking idiots._

The footsteps were getting closer. Andrew instinctively pulled Neil against him, they were chest to chest. Neil’s free hand curled around Andrew’s forearm. 

“We can take them,” He whispered, only for Andrew’s ears, “We can do this.” 

Andrew let Neil’s determination sink into him through their connection. 

“Okay,” Andrew whispered. 

“Okay,” Neil said back. 

“I’m _very_ interested in why you thought this was a good idea!” The voice called again, “I mean, wasn’t this just too easy.” 

Andrew knew this, he had realized it was too easy, he still felt fucking stupid when he heard it out loud. 

“How about this. I’ll close my eyes and give you a ten second head start!” 

Andrew was going to cut this guy to pieces. 

“Calm,” Neil whispered, his hand squeezed Andrew’s forearm. He hated that the touch didn’t bother him.

“Ready?” The man called. 

Andrew and Neil locked eyes. They nodded. Andrew threw the door open. 

He wasn’t alone. He would never be alone again. 

Neil threw the first knife. It caught one of the men in the neck. There were two in the hall. The large man who had been yelling was somewhere behind them, Andrew could see him turn at the sound of metal cutting open flesh. 

“Oh there you are!” He said. Andrew didn’t recognize him. This man was definitely not Dietrich. He was taller, wider, larger. Andrew had no idea who he was, but the jacket he was wearing with BPO stitched over the breast told him who had sent him. 

“Remember me?” The man asked. He pulled a gun out and held it up in Andrew’s direction. Neil grabbed the knife from his hand and threw it. It missed. 

“Fuck,” Neil said emphatically. 

“Who the fuck are you?” Andrew said, he raised his hands in mock surrender. He had a plan. He always had a plan. 

Neil gripped the back of his jacket. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Neil whispered. 

“Shut up,” Andrew bit out. 

“Oh!” The man said, he stepped over his dying lackey and stood right behind the other. Andrew watched them both warily, his arms still raised. “You have a visitor! Tell me, is it Kevin? Oh I doubt it, Kevin was never one for jobs like this. Too risky, too dangerous.” 

Andrew felt Neil’s anxiety spike, a warm hand was pressed into his back, Neil’s face was right next to his own, his lips pressed to the shell of his ear. 

“The mirror,” He said desperately. 

Andrew let his eyes wander to the mirror on the wall of the hallway. His brain couldn’t manage to catch up. Instead of the tall hulking man’s reflection, there in the mirror stood Riko Moriyama. Andrew didn’t know how it was possible. He tried to figure it out in his head, but was coming up blank. Riko was piloting the hulk of a man in front of them, it was impossible. But Andrew could see Riko’s smug fucking face, clear as day. 

“Riko,” Andrew said darkly, “To what do I owe the pleasure?” 

“You took something from me a long time ago,” the hulking man- Riko said, “I want it back.” 

“Last time I checked,” Andrew said, “Kevin doesn’t belong to you. If you wanted him so badly you should have gone for him. Not me.” 

“See that’s the thing,” Riko replied, “You’re the key to everything.” 

Neil’s hand tightened into the back of Andrew’s jacket. He let it ground him to the present. 

“Dare I ask what you’re talking about?” Andrew said. 

“What I mean,” Riko explained, a smirk warping the face of the hulking man, “Is that you’re the connector to your entire cluster. They look to you for guidance. They lean on you. They would be lost without you. You’re the key to destroying them. You’re the key to getting to Kevin.” 

“Last time I checked,” Andrew cut in, not letting those words cut him, “They’re all adults with their own lives. They don’t look to me for shit.” 

“But you’re wrong,” Riko said, “You’re the one who broke my arm all those years ago, you’re the one Kevin ran too.” 

That wasn’t necessarily true. Kevin had run to his father, but it seemed like Riko didn’t know that and Andrew wasn’t about to correct him. 

“Even so,” Andrew said, “What makes you think I would give you anything on them?”

“I will break you until you give me answers,” Riko replied.

“Break me?” Andrew asked, his lips twisting into a cruel smirk that he had stolen from Neil, “You don’t know how.” 

Riko’s eyes flared. Andrew wasn’t fast enough. But Neil was. 

One second he was standing with his arms raised. The next he was against the wall, narrowly avoiding a bullet to the head. It clipped his jacket and grazed his shoulder. He let out a grunt of pain but nothing else. Neil was already moving, pure instinct taking over. Andrew hadn’t let anyone take over for him before. It had never been necessary, he could handle his own shit. But here, in the dark hallway of a rich man’s penthouse, with a bleeding shoulder, he let Neil in. 

Neil pulled out a knife from Andrew’s armband. He went straight to the closest man in the hallway, the second armed guard. Neil had a knife in his stomach before the man could register what was happening. 

His body slumped to the floor. Neil pulled the gun from his dying hands. He held it up and fired at the hulking man at the end of the hall. 

Riko didn’t even bother dodging. The bullet ripped straight through his stomach but didn’t slow him down. He fired again. This time Neil wasn’t fast enough. Andrew felt the bullet before he saw it. The danger of switching places with someone in the cluster, was trusting them not to get you killed. Neil might just get him killed. 

He was suddenly standing in the center of the hallway. He looked down to the blood that was pouring from the wound in his abdomen. 

_Fuck_.

“Ready now?” Riko asked, “You can come with me quietly. Or I’ll shoot you in both legs.” 

Once again Neil was faster. He had a knife in one hand and a gun in the other before Andrew had time to blink. 

He fired the gun straight to Riko’s hand. The man didn’t cry out in pain, his hand simply dropped the weapon without a second thought. 

Neil kicked the bullet wound in his stomach. Riko doubled over. Neil grabbed him by the hair. He sliced. 

The man fell straight to the floor, any light in his eyes was draining as he died right in front of them. Andrew blinked and he was in Neil’s place, the hulking man sitting below him in a pool of blood. 

“Fuck,” Andrew bit out. He was suddenly aware how fucking much his stomach hurt. 

Neil was frantic beside him, his hand pushing incessantly over the bullet wound. 

“We need to close this,” Neil said, “Andrew stay awake! We need to get you medical attention.” 

Andrew hadn’t realized that his eyes were drooping closed. He forced himself to stay present. Kept his eyes focused on that striking blue. 

“I’m not - going to a hospital,” he bit out. He could taste the blood in his mouth. Neil swore under his breath. 

“Okay,” Neil said, trying to calm himself down, “Okay, I can stitch it. But we need to get you to your apartment. We can’t stay here.” 

Neil stood and grabbed the bag of tools from the ground at the end of the hall. He came back in time to catch Andrew’s arm before he slouched back to the floor. 

“I’m going to take over,” Neil said quickly, “I’m going to take over and get you home.” 

Andrew let out a noise that sounded like a mixture of a laugh and a groan. 

“What home?” He asked bitterly. 

Andrew let Neil control his body back to the apartment. He let everything flash by him. It could have taken five minutes or thirty minutes or an hour. He wasn’t sure. One second he was on the floor of that penthouse suite, surrounded by dead bodies, and the next he was laying in a pool of his own blood in the kitchen of his shitty apartment. Neil was leaning over him, his hands were pushing aside the fabric of Andrew’s jacket and Andrew’s shirt. 

“No,” Andrew said darkly. Neil froze. He removed his hands from Andrew as if he had been electrocuted. 

Andrew felt a pang of affection. 

“Just checking to see if you would stop,” he said, the loss of blood was making him loopy. He was sure he was smiling. Neil only glared back. 

“I’m going to stitch you up,” Neil explained, “Is that okay?” 

“Yes.” 

Andrew didn’t remember much else. He heard more voices talking over him. He recognized one as Neil’s and another as being Renee’s or what is it Dan? Was the entire cluster in the kitchen of his shitty apartment watching him bleed to death?

He knew that they would have all felt it. One person gets hurt and the others feel it like it had happened to them. Andrew wasn’t sure how Neil had managed to not even flinch. He thought there was probably a story there. He was too tired to ask. 

“Neil,” he drawled, the world was starting to go black.

“What is it?” Neil asked, “What do you need?” 

“Don’t go dying on me,” Andrew said, he wasn’t sure why he said it. He meant it. 

“I won’t,” Neil replied, confused but steady. 

“Promise,” Andrew said. 

“Promise,” Neil said in a whisper, like a prayer. 

Everything went black.

*

#### Berlin - June 13

When Andrew woke up again and he realized he hadn’t died, all he felt was anger. 

He reached a hand to his wound automatically. He was shirtless, still laid out on the floor of his kitchen. He didn’t have much chance to register anything else. As soon as he was awake the others had appeared with him. 

“What the _fuck_?” he bit out, looking around at the crowd standing over him. Only Neil was knelt down beside him, examining his patchwork stitches carefully. 

“Well you didn’t die,” Neil said, “That’s a plus.” 

“I was _shot_ ,” Andrew stated, “I should be dead.”

“It was one bullet,” Neil replied, “Don’t be such a baby.” 

Andrew groaned and let his head fall back into the tile floor below him. 

“Did you at least get the bullet out?” He asked. 

Neil leaned over him so their faces were lined up. His eyebrows were raised in bemusement. 

“Why would I remove it?” Neil asked, “I could have accidentally cut something important.” 

“You _didn’t_ remove the bullet? Now I just have a _fucking bullet_ in my stomach?” 

Neil gave him a smirk, “Kind of badass, no?” 

“I hate you.” 

“This is really cute and all. But does anyone want to tell me what the fuck happened here?” Andrew leaned up and looked at Allison. She was dressed as she was always dressed. A two thousand dollar skin tight beast of an outfit with her hair and make up far too pristine to be in this shitty apartment. Andrew wasn’t exactly thrilled to see her. 

“Great,” he said, “An audience.” 

“Andrew was shot,” Neil explained, unhelpfully.

“Thanks, ace detective,” Allison replied, “Any other astute observations you want to share?”

“Well now that you mentioned it-“ 

Much to Andrew’s disappointment, Dan didn’t let him finish. 

“I think we’re all a bit tense right now,” Dan said, “This is not the time for fighting.” 

“Tell Neil that,” Allison cut in, “Or should I say Nathaniel.” 

“ _Fuck off_ ,” Neil bit out.

“Seriously,” Dan said sternly, “Cut it out. Andrew, what the _fuck_ happened?”

Andrew wished he could pass out again and be left alone. 

“Tried to steal some diamonds,” He said, his breathing uneven, “Ran into our good friend, Riko. He wasn’t - it wasn’t _him_. But it was.” 

“That makes no sense,” Seth cut in, “How is it Riko but not Riko?” 

“He was in someone else’s body,” Neil explained, taking over for Andrew, who was straining to put two words together, “He was some huge hulking guy but it was clearly Riko. We saw him in the mirror. When Andrew confronted him he didn’t deny it was him.” 

“How could he be controlling another person’s body?” Dan asked, “That doesn’t make any sense.” 

“We should ask Wymack,” Allison suggested, “He might know.” 

They all agreed. Andrew closed his eyes for one second and reopened them only to find himself in the living room of Abby and Wymack’s house.

Neil was still posted to his left, a hefty two inches between them. Close enough for Andrew to feel his body heat, but not close enough to touch. Andrew wished he could close the distance. 

Dan quickly filled Wymack in on what happened while Neil helped Andrew up and onto the couch. He slumped into it and let out a groan of pain. Neil poked around at his stitches as if he knew what he was looking at. Andrew swatted his hand away. 

“What happened?” Abby said as soon as she walked into the living room, closely followed by Kevin. She closed the distance between them in record time and took over Neil’s examination of his abdomen.

“I was shot,” Andrew said, “This is old news.” 

Abby gave him an impressive glare before looking over the wound once again. 

“Who stitched you up?” Abby asked. Neil gave a reluctant me. “It’s a mess,” She told him.

Neil’s face went red and Andrew could only smirk at him. 

“You need to get on a plane and get back to South Carolina now,” Abby said, standing back up, “That is going to get infected.” 

“I still have work to do,” Andrew replied, “I can’t leave yet.” 

“You _can_ and you _will_ ,” Abby demanded. 

Andrew let out a long sigh. He still had the diamonds tucked in his backpack in Berlin. He would go and confront Nico, sell the diamonds, take his cut of the money, and _then_ get on a plane back to America. The wound would heal and if he died from an infection, well then he would die from an infection. 

Neil was glaring daggers at him, as if he could read Andrew’s mind. Andrew only shrugged at him. 

“I didn’t think it was possible,” Kevin said from across the room. Dan must have filled him in on what had happened as well. Kevin couldn’t see the others, he had to rely on Dan, Matt, Wymack, and Abby to keep him up to date on what they were all saying. Andrew knew that it frustrated him to no end. Inhibitors were a necessary evil, it was the only way to keep Riko from popping in to say hello.

“My mother,” Kevin said, sounding tense, “She had started the experiments with Tetsuji. They were working on creating a device that let sensates that weren’t in a cluster control each other. I thought it had failed. My mom said that it was too dangerous. That she was going to destroy it.” 

“Maybe she did,” Wymack said steadily, “You said it yourself, she was working with Tetsuji. He could have had the blueprints.” 

“Then it worked,” Kevin said, “That is the only explanation as to how Riko could have attacked Andrew using another person’s body.” 

“Great,” Allison cut in, even though Kevin couldn’t hear her, “Now we have to worry about zombie sensates coming to try and kill us.” 

“He doesn’t know where anyone else is,” Andrew said, “He came after me specifically.” 

“He said Andrew was the key to getting to our cluster,” Neil added. Andrew shot him a glare that said _shut up_ but Neil ignored it.

“He’s right,” Dan said, “We rely on Andrew. If they get their hands on him…” She paused to take in a deep breath, “We would be fucked.” 

“You make it sound like it's inevitable,” Andrew said, annoyed that they didn’t hold any merit in his ability to survive, “I’m not going to let them take me that easily.” 

“You’re lucky Neil was there,” Dan said, stopping him, “He told us what happened. You completely froze.” 

“I was _shot_ ,” Andrew said, “ _Twice_.”

“You need to come back to America,” Wymack concluded, “No more of this. Riko is making his move which means BPO is going to be making theirs. We need to stick together. Renee, forget about India, you’re on the next plane to South Carolina.” She nodded and disappeared, likely to get her shit together and leave. 

“What about us?” Allison asked, motioning between herself and Seth, “We’re in the middle of a huge break. We’ve got an in with BPO. The event is _next week_.” 

“Right,” Wymack said, “Don’t care. Get on a plane. We’ll figure it out when we’re all in the same fucking building.” 

Allison rolled her eyes. Seth opened his mouth to say something but Allison stopped him with a slap to his upper arm. He scowled but they both disappeared in tandem. 

Andrew was the only one left.

“I have some bad news for you,” Andrew started before Wymack could tell him to get on a plane, “I’m not coming back anytime soon.” 

“You are,” Wymack said, “You have two days to get your smart ass on a plane or I’m sending Neil out there to drag you back.” 

“What makes you think he could make me do anything?” Andrew spit back. 

Wymack only gave him a knowing look. Andrew committed to glaring at him before looking away. Neil said nothing. 

“You get on a plane in two days or I send Neil out to get you,” Wymack concluded, “Understood?” 

Andrew nodded but didn’t say anything. He didn’t spare anyone a parting glance. He simply went back to his apartment in Germany. His skin was stuck to the tile floor below him. He sat up with a groan and begrudgingly started getting ready to take a shower. He had an old man to murder.

*

#### Berlin - June 14

Apparently Nico visited the holocaust memorial once a week. Andrew got there just as he saw the older man shuffling through the entrance. He hurried in after him, keeping a safe distance so that Nico wasn’t aware he was being followed right away.

Andrew waited until they were deep in the maze, and completely alone, to confront him. 

“What happened to unconditional love?” Andrew asked, stepping out to cut Nico off. 

The older man looked at him with wide, surprised eyes. 

“What?” Andrew asked, mockingly, “Surprised I’m still alive? Seeing how you set me up.” 

Andrew would give him one chance to explain himself. If he didn’t like the answer, he would cut his tongue out and then kill him. It was simple. 

“Oh,” The man said, “It seems that things don’t always go the way someone plans them to.” 

Andrew raised an unimpressed eyebrow at him.

“What I mean,” Nico continued, “Is that they didn’t expect you to fight back. But you aren’t the type to simply roll over, are you?” 

Andrew was definitely interested. 

“What makes you say that?” 

“You have no regard for your own well being,” Nico replied, “But you have someone that you fiercely protect. One would not simply roll over when they know they have someone waiting for them.”

Andrew saw flashes of the foxes. He saw his own reflection looking back at him, a calmer, softer version of himself. He saw Nicky with his dark eyes and dark hair, his arm wrapped around his big german husband. Then his mind showed him a pair of bright blue eyes leaning over him with a smirk sitting below them. This time Andrew didn’t ignore it. 

“Something like that,” He said cryptically. 

Nico’s wrinkled face twisted in a smile.

“It wasn’t a lie,” Nico said, “There really were diamonds there. They were really my love’s diamonds.” 

“I know,” Andrew said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the baggy. He tossed them to Nico and watched the older man catch them, his eyes going even wider with surprise.

“Jehovah,” He whispered reverently, “You did it.” 

“I’m quick,” Andrew said, “I also had a little help.” 

Nico gave Andrew a warm smile.

“Well it seems I owe you then,” Nico said, “More than thirty percent.” 

“I would think so.”

Nico reached into his pocket and pulled out a check book. He wrote down an amount and handed it over to Andrew. 

“This and the diamonds,” He said, “All of them. For your trouble.” 

Andrew glanced over the check and tried to stop the spike of pleasure at the 6 figure number waiting for him. 

“They paid me an awful lot of money to give you that job,” Nico said, “My kids and my grandkids will never have to work a day in their life.” 

Andrew folded the check and shoved it into his pocket. 

“Keep the diamonds,” Andrew said, “Consider it a token of goodwill.”

Nico didn’t know what to say to that. He stared at Andrew before looking down at the bag of diamonds in his hand.

“The man who hired me to give you that job,” Nico started, “He didn’t give me a real name. He was American, his German was shit, and he went by a code name.”

“What was it?” Andrew asked. 

“Butcher.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: writes a sense8 au  
> Also me: but what if there was a H E I S T 
> 
> Andrew is channeling some strong Wolfgang vibes right now. We are all very proud. 
> 
> I also want to add that Andrew is very different in this story. He’s had ten years of constant contact with his cluster to sort of soften out his harsh edges. With that being said a lot of his backstory is the same and will be explored later on. 
> 
> I hope this isn’t too confusing. I’m trying to explain the whole sensate thing as I go but it’s difficult when I already know what It is and not really how to explain it. Please message me on tumblr if there is anything that doesn't make sense at any point in the story. I can go back and edit and add a better explanation. Not everything will be revealed right away. 
> 
> I’m a big fan of bad ass- heist- dad Andrew. He’s doing his best and that’s all we can ask for.
> 
> Next chapter should be up soon and will feature some baby Neil and a bit of plotting before the BPO event. A better BPO explanation will also be available in the next chapter (it's confusing don’t worry even people who have seen the show are like wtf is BPO). 
> 
> As always you can find me on [Tumblr](http://stjosten.tumblr.com)


	3. I am also a we

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced bodily harm, mentions of a gunshot wound, mentions of stitches, mentions of blood, implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced bodily harm

#### Columbia, South Carolina - June 17

“Explain it to me again.”

“I’ve said it four times!”

“Yeah, well, every time you start talking I just sort of black out.” 

Kevin let out a loud groan and slammed his hand on the table between them. Neil was enjoying pissing him off. It was far too easy.

“Biological Preservation Organization or BPO,” Kevin said quickly, “They claim to study irregularities in the human genome. In reality it’s a cover to mass produce DNA tests so they can hunt down sensates and kill them.” 

Neil gave Kevin a mocking look of confusion. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, “You opened your mouth and suddenly all I could hear was bees buzzing? Weird. Try again.” 

“You’re impossible,” Kevin said, “I don’t know why I bother.”

Neil let a smirk grow wide across his face. Kevin, poor defenseless, Kevin tried again.

“They’re a fake research group,” He said, “They claim to study human DNA but in reality they’re hunting sensates. They either persuade them to join their cause, lobotomize them, or kill them.” 

“And the Moriyamas are behind all of this?” Neil asked, “No one has caught on?” 

“Of course not,” Kevin said, waving his hand around as if he could bat the words away, “They’re rich, powerful, and have billions of dollars worth of resources under their belt. They monitor hospitals and supply tests for all of the DNA testing companies in the world. If they get their hands on a test or a brain scan that shows any signs of a sensate, they come in and take over the case.” 

“The legality of that seems flawed,” Neil commented. He reached out and grabbed an apple slice from the plate that sat between them. Abby had brought home a surplus of groceries yesterday, preparing for the eight mouths she would inevitably have to feed. She had asked Neil if there was anything specific he wanted, he said he didn’t care, as long as it was edible. This had prompted her to start putting plates of various fruits in front of him whenever she had the chance. Today it was apples. He had rarely had the chance to indulge in food he actually liked on the run but he had always had an affinity for fruit. Green apples were his favorite.

“I said they have billions of dollars of resources,” Kevin replied, “If the feds come knocking all they have to do is write a big enough check and they turn a blind eye.” 

“I get it,” Neil said, “I understand what you’re saying. It’s still fucked.” 

They were currently posted in the kitchen of Abby and Wymack’s house. Allison, Renee, and Seth all landed within a few hours of each other the day before, Wymack had gone to pick them up and came back with three very jet lagged and annoyed passengers. Renee was better at hiding any negative emotions, but Neil could still see the slight slump in her shoulders when she had walked in. Allison and Seth weren’t quiet about their discomfort. 

Kevin was the only member of the house that wasn’t currently throwing a hissy fit or sleeping. Neil had decided that he could make use of the quiet and start getting answers to his numerous questions. The most pressing was about BPO.

“When you lived there,” Neil said, “Did they ever do experiments on you?” 

Kevin thought about it for a moment and then shook his head. “No, not that I know of.” 

Neil hummed and picked up another apple slice. He pointed it in Kevin’s direction before saying, “Do you think maybe they did and you just don’t remember? Might be why you’re so fucking paranoid all the time.” 

_It was too easy._

Kevin looked distressed for all of thirty seconds before he figured out that Neil was making fun of him. 

“You can’t say things like that!” Kevin protested, “You have no idea what it was like at that place!” 

“You’re right,” Neil replied, “I don’t. Thank fuck.” 

“Do you even remember the attitude test they gave us when we were eleven?” Kevin asked, “Or did you somehow manage to block out your entire childhood?” 

Neil furrowed his eyebrows. “The what?” 

“The attitude test,” Kevin repeated, as if it explained everything, “We both got one when we were eleven. You don’t remember? Our moms brought us into a room with a camera and some doctor asked us a bunch of questions?”

Neil couldn’t tell if Kevin was pulling his arm or if he was being serious. As far as Neil could tell, from the very short time that he had spent with him, Kevin still had zero sense of humor and took everything far too seriously. He guessed that some things never changed. There was no way he was teasing him about this. 

There was still no apparent memory of that happening in Neil’s brain. He remembered his mother taking him to see Kevin and Riko the day before they had left New York. He remembered the way his father had squeezed his shoulder tightly and offered him a firm _good luck_.

_Wait._

“ _That_ was an attitude test?” Neil asked. He remembered it now. The small white room with the dark window straight across from him. Neil remembered being sat down in front of a man in a white coat who asked too many questions and never looked Neil in the eye. 

“ _Yes_ ,” Kevin said, “My mom said you failed.” 

“Of course he failed,” A new voice said, both of them turned to see Wymack standing in the entrance to the kitchen, looking well slept, “Neil here has an attitude problem. Which is why he had you repeat the same sentence five times.” 

Kevin groaned again. 

“They would have killed you,” Kevin explained, “If your mother hadn’t taken you and left.” 

“Maybe that was a mistake,” Neil said, “The Moriyamas are going to regret not killing me when I was eleven.” 

The room went quiet after that. Neil cursed himself for his own dark humor. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Neil said quickly, raising his hands to show innocence, “It was a joke.” 

“A bad joke,” Kevin said under his breath. Neil grabbed an apple slice and threw it at him. 

“God,” Kevin said, swatting the slice away before it could hit him and then wiping his hand off on the sleeve of his jacket, “So uncivilized.”

“Well, if you’re done with your BPO discussion,” Wymack started, “Why don’t you both come for a ride to the airport with me? Get out of the goddamn house for once.” 

“It isn’t safe,” Kevin said too quickly, “We don’t know if Riko is-” 

“If Riko is what? Waiting for us outside? He doesn’t even know where you are. That was the whole point of him targeting Andrew. I think you’ll survive a twenty minute drive to the airport.” 

Kevin sneered in Neil’s direction but didn’t argue further. He stood from his chair and shoved his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt. 

“When are you going?” He asked. 

“Now. His flight gets in at 12,” Wymack replied. Neil checked the digital clock on the stove and was surprised to see that it was already 11:30 am. He had been bugging Kevin for at least three hours.

“I suggest you come along,” He said, looking pointedly at Neil, “Andrew’s going to want to see you first.” 

Neil didn’t know what to make of that. In the short amount of time that Neil had reconnected with his cluster, he had grown closest to Andrew. It wasn’t surprising really. Andrew was apathetic and didn’t let Neil get away with any of his usual bullshit. He handled Neil’s anxiety with a disinterest that seemed to settle the curled beast in Neil’s stomach. Neil didn’t hate the thought of Andrew. Sometimes he found himself thinking far too much about him. When that happened Neil would end up wherever Andrew was. Andrew didn’t seem to mind.

“Why?” Neil decided to ask. 

“You know what,” Wymack started, raising a hand to stop Neil from talking, “Forget I said anything. Just get up and get in the car before I have Matt or Seth carry you out.” 

Neil took that threat for what it was. He stood from his seat and grabbed the last couple of apple slices from his plate. Kevin looked at the sticky mess in his hands warily, but Neil didn’t care. He _really_ liked apples. 

“Fine,” Neil said, “But I’m sitting in the front.” 

“Whatever,” Kevin grumbled, “Good luck getting Andrew in the backseat on the way home.” 

Wymack snorted. “Alright. Let’s go.” He raised his arms as if to herd Neil and Kevin out of the house like a pack of animals, “Today would be nice.” 

*

#### Columbia - June 17

Airports always left Neil on edge. The only time Mary had taken them on a plane was to leave the country for France six years ago. They had traveled Europe for a while, traveling between France, Germany, Belgium, Netherlands, and Spain by train or car. The only other time they got back on a flight was to fly from Germany to Canada. 

Neil could feel the ghost of his mother’s firm hand wrapped around his bicep. She had been so paranoid on both of those trips, checking over her shoulder every couple of seconds as if the ghost of their father was going to appear in the middle of the airport and cut them open. 

Now Neil knew that she had more than just Nathan to fear. The Moriyamas were powerful and all-knowing. Mary was much more scared of them than she was her abusive husband. Neil could understand the paranoia, but he still hated it. 

He especially hated that he still felt it. 

His eyes didn’t stop moving from the moment they entered the terminal. Andrew’s flight had landed not too long ago, now they were waiting for him to unboard and walk into arrival’s baggage claim. Neil wished he would get here faster. The beast of his anxiety had woken up once again and set the inside of his stomach into a feral frenzy. He felt both nauseous and weak. If he could run he would run, but the prospect of leaving all of this behind, all of this _belonging_ , was too upsetting. 

He was wanting far too much lately. He could hear his mother yelling at him from beyond the grave. 

Wymack was steady beside him. He had his arms crossed and his eyes set on the arrivals doorway. Kevin kept looking between the exit and his phone. Neil wondered what the three of them looked like to a random passerby. A lanky tall paranoid mess, an intimidating older man with flaming tribal tattoos, and a skittish runaway. 

Neil felt Andrew before he saw him. It was a surreal experience, one that he had the displeasure of feeling the day before when Allison, Seth, and Renee had arrived. It was as if their connection had caught flame as soon as they were in the same building. Neil couldn’t have helped the way he had immediately reached out and grabbed Allison’s hand, or how he went willingly into Renee’s arms, or how he had lifted his fist to meet Seth’s without question. 

It was the unconditional feeling of belonging, of coming home, of waking up in your own bed, of feeling safe, of taking a drink of fresh lemonade. 

It was overwhelming and not enough. Neil couldn’t explain it. Meeting Dan and Matt and been different. Their connection was new and awkward. Neil didn’t feel the overwhelming draw to them as he had to Allison, Renee, and Seth. He thought it was because they had visited before they met in person. There was something about having a physical body to reach out to that had their connection flaring to life between them. 

It had taken a lot of getting used to. Neil had immediately figured out how to control his urge to constantly be touching one of the other members of their cluster.

But, this- Neil thought that this was _very_ different. 

He _felt_ Andrew. Felt him like a magnet, drawing him in from across the terminal. He didn’t need to catch sight of him to know where he was. Neil’s eyes immediately went to the terminal’s entrance. 

Andrew appeared a moment later, looking ragged and pale in his full black attire. Neil moved without thinking. 

He walked the space between them. It was as if Andrew knew he was coming because the first thing Andrew looked at was him. 

It must be the connection, Neil rationalized, it had to be. There was no other explanation for the overwhelming need to _touch_ that Neil was feeling right now. He wanted to reach out and grab a hold of Andrew. He wanted to lean in and press his face into the crook of Andrew’s neck. He wanted to breathe for the first time in his life, he wanted to be thrown head first into a sea of ice water.

He _wanted_.

Andrew met him halfway. They paused, just a few inches between them in the middle of the busy terminal. Passengers shoved past them with annoyed glances sent in their direction, but they didn’t matter. Neil felt that familiar tug in his stomach, he felt the curl of his anxiety ebb back into nothingness, he felt the goosebumps on the back of his neck, the lightheaded feeling in the back of his skull. 

“Hi,” Neil said dumbly. 

Andrew let out a breath that could have been interpreted as an amused sigh.

“Hi,” He said back. 

_God_ \- Neil thought reverently, _that voice._

“You’re here,” Neil replied, trying to calm his racing heart, “In one piece.” 

“Mostly,” Andrew joked, “I think I popped a stitch at some point on the flight.” 

Neil immediately felt worried and guilty at the same time. 

“Are you bleeding?” He took a step closer without thinking too much about it. Neil froze when he realized what he was doing.

“It’s fine,” Andrew said, “I’ll survive.”

“I never got to say I was sorry,” Neil said, “I am, by the way, sorry.” 

Andrew lifted his chin, a sign for Neil to continue. 

“For getting you shot,” Neil explained, “I’m sorry.” 

“Shut up,” Andrew said, “No one is faster than a bullet.” 

Neil wanted to say that he should have been more careful. Neil wanted to say that he hadn’t been thinking straight, that he hadn’t even realized he was inside Andrew’s body at the time, that he should have held more regard for Andrew’s safety. All he said was, “Okay.” 

“We’ll talk about this later,” Andrew said, “You’re feeling far too loudly, I can hear it. This isn’t the best place for this conversation though, agreed?” 

Neil nodded. 

“Luggage?”

“No,” Andrew said, “Just this.” He motioned to the backpack that he had hanging from his right shoulder. Neil reached out and took the strap without hesitation. Andrew didn’t even flinch, he simply sighed in defeat and let Neil take the bag away. 

“I still have arms,” Andrew said tersely, “I can carry my own bag.” 

“Congratulations,” Neil replied, “I didn’t ask.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes but didn’t argue with him again. Neil gave him a rare, warm smile as a reward. 

“ _Ahem_.”

Neil turned in time to see Wymack and Kevin hovering behind him. 

“Ready to go?” Wymack asked, “ _This_ will have to wait until we’re back at the house.” 

“This?” Neil asked, but Wymack ignored him. 

“That's it?” Wymack questioned, nodding toward the bag on Neil’s shoulder.

“You know it is,” Andrew replied, he shuffled from one foot to the other as if he couldn’t get comfortable. “Can we go? I think I’m bleeding through my undershirt.” 

“You said it was fine?” Neil said aghast.

“Yes, well it’s _fine_ ,” Andrew argued, “Just very uncomfortable.”

“Right,” Wymack said, “Come on.”

The car ride back was silent. Andrew had forced Kevin into the front seat before awkwardly climbing into the back beside Neil. Their shared connection was a rolling storm between them. There was a lingering haze of electric currents in the space between their thighs. Neil thought that if he reached out and pressed even a gossamer of a touch to Andrew’s skin that he would burst into flames. 

Neil wasn’t one to feel spiritually connected, but he thought that he felt something holy in the backseat of Wymack’s car. 

Everyone was now awake and shuffling through the house when they arrived. Abby had given Andrew all of a minute to drop off his bag and share awkward pleasantries, mostly consisting of Andrew scowling at the others and only giving Renee a slightly less heated look, before she forced him into the kitchen to check his stitches. 

Neil hovered nervously nearby while Abby forced Andrew’s jacket off and demanded he pull off his shirt. 

“I don’t even get a, Hi Andrew, before you start demanding I strip?” Andrew joked but it came out sounding strained as he struggled to lift his arms over his head. 

Neil felt a deadly pang of guilt and a lingering discomfort in his abdomen. 

“Hi Andrew,” Abby mimicked, “Now take it off or I’ll cut it off.” 

Abby only watched Andrew struggle to get the black sweater over his head twice before she decided to help him. The sweater came off easily. Blood had already started to appear on the edges of his gray undershirt. Neil didn’t flinch at the sight, but he saw Abby’s face twist darkly. 

“Just cut off the t-shirt,” Andrew said, “I don’t think I can lift my arms over my head without passing out.”

“I can’t believe you sat through a 20 hour plane ride with this,” Abby commented, she stepped away to grab a pair of scissors from one of the kitchen drawers, “You’re pain tolerance is scary.” 

“It’s called being stubborn,” Andrew replied.

Abby cut down the center of his shirt and pushed it to the side. The wound was bubbling over and two of the stitches had popped open at some point in the last two days. The beast in Neil’s stomach unfurled and stuck its talons straight up to his chest. His distress must have been clear because Andrew’s eyes shot up to catch Neil’s. 

“Get out,” Andrew said through grit teeth.

“What?” Neil blurted out, surprised at the harsh tone in Andrew’s voice. 

“I don’t like to repeat myself,” Andrew replied. Abby gave Neil an apologetic look over her shoulder.

Andrew didn’t look away from him. There was something _else_ lingering in his gaze. 

_Don’t look at me like that_ , the gleam in his eyes said, _This isn’t your fault._

Neil turned on his heel and left the room. 

Dan and Matt were curled on the couch in the living room. Renee was perched on Allison’s lap in the arm chair, her legs dangling over the edge. Both of her hands were busy braiding the long, blonde strands of Allison’s hair, the quiet moment felt too intimate to be interrupting. Neil felt almost guilty for bringing his negative energy into the room. 

Dan immediately looked up as he walked in, her eyebrows were furrowed with concern. 

“You okay?” She asked, looking him over as if there was an external injury that they had to be worried about. She wouldn’t find anything. All of Neil’s problems were embedded deep within himself. They came in the form of Mary Hatford’s harsh words and firm hands and the dangerous curl of Nathan’s smile. 

“I’m fine,” He replied, looking away from them and turning to leave the living room. 

“Did the monster do something?” Allison cut in before he could leave. 

Neil looked back in time to see Renee tugging on the braid in Allison’s hair as a warning. 

“Monster?” He asked, confused. 

“Andrew,” Allison said, as if that name had one singular meaning, “Obviously.” 

“Allison,” Renee warned, she tugged on her braid once again, causing Allison to finally look up from her nails and to the rest of the room. 

“What?” Allison asked, annoyed, “He’s an abrasive little pest with a tendency for violence. I.E. a monster.” 

Neil tried to calm himself. He didn’t understand the relationship Andrew had with the rest of the cluster. He didn’t think he had enough time to analyze the last 10 years they had without him. It still left a feeling of discomfort and anger in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to tell Allison to fuck off, he wanted to tell her that Andrew was much more than either of those things. He wanted to remind her that Andrew was fiercely loyal and protective of the cluster and that he would have willingly let Riko kill him if it meant protecting the others. 

He settled for, “He’s not a monster.” 

“We know,” Renee said calmly, her dark eyes softened substantially at his words, “Allison doesn’t really mean it.” 

Allison shrugged but didn’t meet Neil’s eyes. She went back to examining her nails as if nothing had happened. 

Neil let himself feel his father’s rage for ten seconds in every language he knew. Once a minute had passed of him standing in the entrance of the living room with his hands clenched into fists, he felt more settled. The anger hadn’t gone away completely, but he was now in control of it rather than the other way around. 

“Seriously,” Dan said, “Are you _really_ okay?” 

“I said I was fine,” He said, trying not to sound angry, “It’s fine.” 

“Okay,” Dan said, raising a hand into the air in surrender, “Whatever you say.” 

“You’re shit at hiding your emotions,” Allison supplied, “We can feel you having a panic attack. Try and keep it to yourself next time.” 

Neil didn’t bother replying. He turned on his heel and stalked off down the hall to the room he had been staying in since he arrived. He slammed the door harder than he should have and threw himself with an extra force into the stiff mattress. 

Sometimes it was too much. Sometimes Neil felt the ghost of his mother breathing down his neck. Sometimes he wanted to find the nearest ledge and jump off of it. Sometimes he wished that he could take an inhibitor and separate himself from the rest of the cluster, even if it was for a day, a few hours, ten minutes. He would take any time he could get.

Having them all so close was overwhelming. Neil was drowning in it. He was drowning in the cluster’s connection. 

For a minute he let himself pretend that he was more like Andrew. He pretended he could cut the connection with the cluster, force them all out for a short amount of time. He didn’t know if it worked, but he could feel the way the others had receded away from his frayed psyche instinctively. He let out a sigh of relief, covered his face with his pillow, and imagined himself standing under a torrential downpour on the highest level of a parking garage in Berlin. 

*

#### Columbia - June 17

Wymack and Abby insisted on a family dinner, which was boisterous and full of easy banter between the entire cluster. Neil let himself fall back to the sideline, he pretended that he wasn’t actually there. The other’s didn’t seem to notice him receding back into his own mind. They were too busy catching up with each other to notice. He felt like an outsider in his own cluster, a group of people that he had never known he wanted until a few days ago.

Now he felt the reality of it. Someone like him didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve easy laughs and arms slung over shoulders. He didn’t deserve Matt refilling his drink every time it was empty, he didn’t deserve Abby placing a bowl of fruit in front of him when he hadn’t touched any of his vegetables. 

He let himself sit back and just _experience_ it. 

Andrew kept pushing against their connection the entire dinner. Neil felt him poking and prodding away at him. If the others noticed, they said nothing. Sometimes, he thought, their cluster knew when to keep their mouth’s shut. 

Neil didn’t let himself spare a glance in Andrew’s direction. He was feeling too overwhelmed, rubbed raw by all of the _feeling_ that was happening in the room around him. Fondness, joy, _love_. 

By the time dinner ended Neil wanted to go crawl back into bed and sleep. He was worn, his skin felt too tight, and he felt a lingering sense of sadness that he couldn’t place.

He didn’t get a chance to run away. Immediately following dinner Wymack forced them all into the living room. The foxes fell into their own spots without a moment of hesitation. 

Dan, Matt, and Kevin shared the three man couch. Seth sat across them on the love seat and Abby took the spot beside him. Renee was on the lounge chair with Allison perched on the arm beside her, her hands wrapped around Renee’s shoulders to keep her upright. Andrew didn’t sit, he hovered near the front of the room beside Wymack, holding himself rather stiffly and favoring his left side.

Neil didn’t know what to do with himself. He had been isolated from people for too long. 

He hated it. 

When placed in a room with people he shared his entire subconscious with, he didn’t even know what to do with himself. Dan must have sensed his discomfort, because she motioned for him to sit on the ground in front of her. As soon as he was seated she had pressed her legs against his back in silent support. 

He _hated_ this. 

“We need to address the elephant in the room,” Wymack said, “Riko is clearly out of control again and BPO is making advances in their sensate experimentation. We have to be more cautious from now on. I don’t know what they’re planning, but from past experience I can guarantee it isn’t good.” 

“What I want to know,” Allison said, “Is why Riko is back on his same bullshit. I thought he was a non-issue.” 

“He was,” Andrew cut in, “Seems they’ve let him loose again.” 

“But why?” Allison asked, “Why now?”

“I bet we can figure it out,” Dan said from behind Neil, “If we can get access to their database we can figure out what they’re planning.” 

“The benefits ball is taking place at the London BPO headquarters,” Renee added, “Allison, Seth, and I have all been given formal invitations. We can get in and one of us can sneak off to get access to their computers.” 

Neil wanted to say that it was a bad idea. Someone would notice if they weren’t present at the event. They probably had heightened security across the entire building, there was no way someone like Allison or Seth, who stood out like a sore thumb, could get away without anyone noticing. Renee was a different story, she could probably be efficiently sneaky, but there was a hard edge to the way she carried herself that would set any decent security guard on edge at the sight of her. Neil wanted to tell them his exact thoughts but he didn’t say anything. Instead, Andrew said, “Too risky. They’ll notice one of you is missing.” 

“What do you suggest then, oh wise one?” Allison chided, “Seeing as you’ve done a really good job staying out of trouble, or do we need to talk about the gunshot wound again?” 

Neil felt the beast of his anxiety unfurl. There was a prickling feeling in his chest. He counted to ten in German and then Dutch to try and calm his nerves. He looked up to catch Andrew staring at him. 

“You three can attend the event and save face,” Andrew explained, ignoring Allison’s comment, “Matt and I can sneak into the offices upstairs to get anything Dan might need.” 

“Oh no,” Abby interrupted, “There is no way you’re going anywhere remotely dangerous. You were shot _two_ days ago.”

“And the event is in a five days,” Andrew said, “Your point?” 

“My point,” Abby bit out, “Is that it won’t be fully healed in a _five days_. It’s too much of a risk. You will have to stay behind.” 

“Matt can’t go alone,” Dan said, “I can go with him. I’ll know what to look for.” 

“You have to stay in Columbia,” Andrew said, “You can keep an eye on us from here. All of your equipment is here.” 

“Dan’s a hacker,” Matt explained quickly, leaning towards Neil, “Best of the best. Almost got arrested for hacking into the IRS’s computer system.”

“It was _technically_ an accident,” Dan added.

“That’s what the paperwork says at least,” Matt joked. 

Neil sank further into himself. He let his eyes wander to Andrew for silent support. Honey-brown met Blue. Neil let out a breath. 

“I’ll do it,” He said suddenly. 

Everyone turned to look at him. 

“No,” Andrew replied immediately, they hadn’t stopped staring at each other.

“I can take care of myself,” Neil said, “I can go with Matt and get the stuff Dan needs. I’m quick. It’ll be fine.” 

Andrew threw Neil’s words back at him, “Congratulations. I didn’t ask.” 

“I wasn’t asking either,” Neil replied, “I don’t need your permission.” 

The room remained silent as Andrew and Neil had their staring contest. He felt Dan lean a little bit more into his back, he felt Allison’s amusement through their connection, he felt Renee staring at him. 

“Fine,” Andrew said, he finally looked away, Neil pretended that it didn’t leave him feeling empty, “But I’m going to London. I’ll hang back and visit as it’s happening. Just in case.” 

“We never go into anything alone,” Seth commented. Neil was surprised he had decided to finally speak, Seth was often quiet and brooding and only making comments when he thought he could get a negative reaction. “We have each other’s backs.” 

Everyone let out a noise of agreement. Dan leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Neil’s shoulders, pulling him back against her. 

“I think that’s a great idea, Neil,” She said, resting her head on top of his. He tried not to close his eyes and relish in the touch. Dan’s touch wasn’t as electric as Seth or Allison’s touch, it was soothing, like sliding into a warm bath. He let the feeling envelope him and mend his fraying edges. “Neil is quick and dangerous. He did kill three men to save Andrew. I think he’ll be fine.” 

“There’s something else,” Andrew said darkly, “I haven’t told anyone about it yet. I wanted it to be in person.” 

Everyone turned their attention onto him. Andrew didn’t look anyone in the face, he left his eyes carefully trained on the wall to his left. 

“The man that set me up in Berlin, Nico, he said that a man hired him to give me that job.” 

“Right,” Matt said, “It was Riko.” 

“No,” Andrew replied quickly, “He said it was an American who spoke shit German and paid him an outrageous amount of money to set up the job. He didn’t say his name but he went by a moniker.”

“What was it?” Kevin asked, “I might recognize it.” 

“You will,” Andrew said cryptically, “It was the Butcher.” 

Neil felt like someone had reached through his ribs and wrapped a hand around his heart. It literally stopped and restarted all over again. 

He couldn’t hear anything, he couldn’t see anything. 

The only sound was the high pitched ringing in his ears, a familiar feeling from when he father had hit him so hard on the side of the head that Neil thought he was going to go deaf. His pulse was drowning his senses. He could feel every single beat of his heart against his skin, against his chest, on the inside of his throat. 

His father was standing over him. His hands wrapped around a cleaver, a cruel smile was twisting his features. 

“ _Breathe_.” 

Neil blinked and he was back in Abby’s living room. Andrew was in front of him. He wasn’t touching, his hands were hovering an inch away from the skin of Neil’s cheek. His eyes were all he could see. There was no longer the haunting sight of a twisted smile, all there was, was Andrew. Very real, very warm, and very much right in front of him. Neil raised his hand without thinking and grabbed the front of Andrew’s shirt.

“Fuck,” someone said to his right, he thought it might be Kevin but he wasn’t sure. 

“Breath,” Andrew said again, “Jesus, Neil. _Breathe_.” 

Neil sucked in a single breath and then another. He leaned back into Dan’s touch, he let Matt’s hand fall onto one of his shoulders. He let Renee’s calming energy push into him through their connection. He let Seth protectively hover above him. He let Allison’s fierce determination fill him with strength. He let Andrew take half of the weight of his anxiety and carry it. Andrew didn’t even blink, didn’t flinch, didn’t pull away. He let Neil grip his shirt in a tight fist and tug him an inch closer. 

Neil selfishly wanted Andrew to touch his skin, but he didn’t, he lowered his hands and kept them to himself. Once he was satisfied that Neil was breathing properly, he stood up and went back to his spot in the front of the room. 

The entire cluster breathed out as one. 

Wymack and Abby were silent as they watched the interaction. Abby had a look of concern on her face that was now slowly warping into a small, sad smile. Wymack looked hard-worn, his face was as stoney as a statue. 

“Butcher,” Neil whispered, “That’s what they call my father.” 

“Which is why it isn’t safe for you to go,” Andrew said, “If you’re father is there-” He didn’t have to finish to get his point across. Neil knew what his father would do if he ever saw Neil again. Neil was a walking target with his father’s name across his forehead. 

“Nathan Wesninski is a very dangerous man,” Wymack said, “But there is no guarantee that he would be present at the event. We don’t even know if he’s in London.”

Neil turned his full attention to Wymack. 

“Y-you-” He couldn’t finish his sentence. He felt Dan pouring reassurances into their connection. He tried again, “You _know_ him.” 

Neil had never mentioned his father before. Kevin had reassured him that he hadn’t breathed a word of their connection to anyone else. It was hard to keep things from the cluster, but Neil suspected that they didn’t go digging in each other’s brains unless prompted. He was sure that no one should know that name. That none of them would have known that Nathan was his father. Only Kevin and Andrew knew, and Neil was sure that they weren’t the type to spill his secrets. Kevin was far too intimidated by Neil and Andrew wasn’t much for gossip.

“We didn’t have a chance to tell you,” Wymack explained, “We were waiting for the right moment.” He looked to Abby. They had a quick and silent conversation before Wymack looked back at Neil. 

“Your mother was a part of our cluster,” Wymack said, “Abby and I, we shared a cluster with your mom and with Kayleigh Day.” 

Neil felt the room tilt. “Then you-” Neil started before sucking in a breath and saying, “You _knew_ me.” 

Wymack nodded, “We’ve known you since you were born.”

Neil let it sink in. It made sense, suddenly. The looks of recognition that Wymack often sent his way. The way Abby always had a plate of fruit ready for Neil when he refused to eat anything else. It all made sense. 

He felt betrayed. Lied to. Neil pushed it away, _he_ was intimately familiar with lying, he couldn’t be angry for someone lying to him. 

But about this? About his mother being a part of Wymack’s cluster? How much did he _know_ , how much had he _seen_?

“You knew,” Neil said, looking between Abby and Wymack, “You knew what he did to us.” 

He felt Dan flinch against him. He was sharing too much with them. He was sure that they could feel the memory of his father hitting him in the shoulder with a hot iron. Neil caught sight of Seth grabbing at his own shoulder in the same spot where Neil still had a scar.

“There wasn’t anything we could have done,” Wymack said, “We tried, but Mary she-“ he stopped himself and ran a hand over the five o’clock shadow on his face, “She made it very clear that we couldn’t intervene.” 

“All those years on the run,” Neil said, “She was always on inhibitors. She wasn’t just blocking out my father she was blocking out you.”

Wymack nodded. 

"Is my father- is he also," Neil started but stopped immediately, not wanting to think the words into reality.

Wymack understood where he was going, he nodded and gave Neil a knowing look.

Neil felt the panic start to build in his chest once again. 

"He can just show up then?" Neil asked, "Can he just appear and visit?" 

"Have you ever looked him in the eye?" Wymack asked. 

Neil could hear his mother's voice in his head. The same voice that often haunted him. 

_"Never look him in the eye, Abram. Never."_

Neil immediately shook his head. He couldn't have looked his father in the eyes if he had wanted to. He often got to the cruel curl of his father's smile before he would look away. 

"Then you're fine," Wymack said, "Sensates can't visit outside of their cluster without establishing a connection first. You have to look each other in the eye." 

Neil was glad that he was so paranoid as a child.

“That’s not all,” Andrew said, his voice sounded so far away. Neil wanted to get up and wrap himself around the soft timber so that he could hear it inside his soul. “Someone has to tell him.” 

“Tell me what?” Neil asked, he sounded close to hysterics.

“Mary is our cluster mother,” Dan said quietly from behind him, “She gave birth to our cluster 10 years ago.” 

“Before you ask what that means,” Wymack said, raising a hand, “Let me explain it to you. Clusters aren’t created right at birth. A sensate will always be a sensate but a cluster is born later in life. Yours was born premature. Usually a cluster is born when all members are in their late twenties. All of you became an official cluster at 11. Mary was your cluster mother. Some sensates will give birth to multiple clusters throughout their lifetime. It's how the connection is awakened.” 

“I don’t understand,” Neil cut in, “How could I have not known?” 

“You were on inhibitors when it happened,” Wymack said, “You were none the wiser. Mary gave birth to the cluster and immediately reached out to Abby and I and told us to find them. We had no idea you were part of her cluster until Andrew found you.” 

Neil remembered the car ride from New York with his mother. The sound of her crying in pain, the sweat dripping off her face, her hand gripping his arm. 

_“Find them.”_

“I was there,” he admitted quietly, realizing how true it was now that he said it out loud , “When she gave birth to the cluster. I was there. It was the day we left New York. She was in so much pain and I thought maybe my father had hurt her, but- but it stopped and she took an inhibitor and made me take one as well.”

“Where is she?” Dan asked, “Is she still-?”

“She’s dead,” Neil told her, he felt numb to the words, “My father’s men caught up to us in Seattle. She was hurt. We got all the way down the coast of California - before she-“

He could still see it. The frazzled look in her eyes, the gun in her hand.

_“Don’t ever look back, Abram.”_

He could still hear the ringing of the bullet.

“I burned her body and buried her on the beach.” 

He felt the sorrow in the room as soon as he said it. He realized that they had all lost Mary that day. She wasn’t just his anymore, maybe she never _was_. The cluster felt her loss like he did, like a limb had been taken and now he could barely keep himself standing. 

“I’m sorry,” Abby said, “That’s awful. You shouldn’t have had to do that alone.” 

But he had, he had been alone. All of those years, even with his mother at his back, he had been alone. He had been missing seven hearts and seven minds.

He was never going to be alone again.

“We can’t change the past,” Neil whispered. 

“Damn right,” Dan said, her voice was full of fire, “Now we have to move forward.” 

“We can start by figuring out what BPO is after,” Seth joined in, his voice just as fierce, “Then, we can beat their ugly fucking asses.” 

“Great idea,” Wymack said, “Let’s get started.” 

*

#### Columbia - June 18

Neil was more than drained. He was on autopilot. They set about making a plan to get into the London BPO headquarters. Neil had only half listened to them plotting, he was too busy digesting everything he had learned in that one sitting. 

_His own mother._

He ran a hand through his hair and sucked in a deep steading breath. He couldn’t remember his usual coping mechanism anymore. It was as if all life had been sucked straight out of him. His body wasn’t his own anymore. It was an empty shell that was moving through time without anyone controlling it. 

He felt unmade. 

It was far too late to be awake, or maybe it was too early. Neil didn’t know and didn’t care anymore. There was no way he was going to get any sleep. His room was suddenly too big and too small all at once. Everything was closing in on him. 

His body must have known what he needed because one moment he was kneeling in the center of his bed, body curved into a tight ball, and the next he was standing and walking out to Abby’s backyard. 

The world was so dark around him. Neil felt little comfort in that, he usually enjoyed the chance to slip into the shadow of the night. It was easier to run and hide when he was surrounded by darkness. 

He didn’t want to run anymore. He didn’t want to hide. He wanted to be seen. 

The door from the kitchen opened behind him. He turned to see Andrew stepping out and onto the back deck behind him, two mugs of something warm his hands. 

He didn’t say anything. He simply crossed the space between them and handed one of the mugs to Neil before sitting down onto the steps of the deck. Neil looked down at the mug in his hand dumbly. It smelled sweet and chocolatey. Neil wasn’t a fan of sweets, but he took a tentative sip anyway. Andrew had made it for him, thinking that it would help, Neil owed it to him to try and enjoy it. 

Apparently he couldn’t hide the twist of disgust from his face. 

“What?” Andrew asked, his voice low and drowsy, “Not a fan of Hot Chocolate?” 

“Not really,” Neil whispered into the mug, “I don’t really like sweets.” 

“I knew there was something wrong with you,” Andrew commented. He put his mug down on the step in front of him and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He lit one and then a second, offering it up to Neil as a second peace offering. Neil was finally able to control his legs again. He forced himself to sit down beside Andrew and accept the lit cigarette. 

“There are a lot of things wrong with me,” Neil said softly. He placed his mug next to Andrew’s so he could cup the cigarette between his hands. The smell reminded him of his mother. 

“I’m aware,” Andrew said, “A man can only have so many issues.” 

Neil hummed in reply. They sat through the entirety of Andrew’s cigarette. Neil’s had gone out at some point, he hadn’t bothered to relight it. Andrew plucked it from his finger, careful not to touch his skin, and brought it to his lips. He lit it again and took a long drag.

Smoke spilled from his lips and Neil watched it dissipate into the air between them.

“What is it?” Andrew finally asked, sparing Neil a glance before looking straight ahead, “You’ve been acting like a rabbit all day.” 

Neil was suddenly annoyed with the question. “Everything,” He spit out, “Everything is just -” 

He dropped his head into his hands, letting his elbows poke into the sensitive skin of his thigh. He let the bite of discomfort ground him.

“Is it too much?”

Neil looked up to see that Andrew was watching him, eyes dripping like warm honey. 

“Yes,” Neil confessed, “It’s all my fault.” 

Andrew gave him a querring look, so he continued. 

“You got shot because of me-” 

“Neil-” 

“Let me finish,” Neil insisted, “You got shot twice because I was careless. I fucked up your stitches and managed to make it worse. I’ve put a giant target on all of our backs just by coming here. BPO and the Moriyamas and m-my father. They’re all going to come knocking and they’re going to make sure that no one lives through it. Everything I come into contact with goes to shit. Everyone I touch ends up dead. If it wasn’t for me my- _Mary_ wouldn’t be dead. She wouldn’t be alone and buried on some sandy beach in the middle of fucking California.” 

Neil looked away again. Andrew’s fierce stare was _too much_. 

“I should leave,” He whispered into the space between them, “I should leave and never look back.” 

“No,” Andrew said. He flicked Neil’s barely finished cigarette across the lawn and finally, finally, closed the space between them. 

Andrew’s hand grabbed Neil’s. The world tilted. 

It didn’t feel like any of the other touches from their cluster. Neil had been right, he felt as if he had suddenly been set aflame. The world was burning, the skin of Neil’s hand was surging with electricity wherever it touched Andrew’s. 

Neil didn’t even try to hide the hitch of his breath or the embarrassing gasp for air that he made afterwards. Andrew was breathing through his nose, his nostrils flaring, as if he was trying to control his reaction. 

_He felt it too._

For the first time in Neil’s life, he let himself indulge in wanting. 

He turned his hand in Andrew’s until they were palm to palm. He let his fingers run against the calloused pads of Andrew’s fingers. He let his thumb trail against Andrew’s and linger against his warped nail. Once he had started he could hardly stop himself from wanting more contact. Neil laced their fingers together, let the weight of Andrew’s hand tether him to the present. 

The wave of their connection was so palpable that Neil could almost see it between them, a tethering rope the color of blood red. He could imagine it if he closed his eyes. 

They moved in tandem, leaning forward until their foreheads were pressed together. Neil had never been gentle before in his life. He had never been given the chance to be gentle. It was always run, always fight, always shoot, always cut. 

But right now, right here under the South Carolina sky, in the back of Abby’s suburban home, he wanted to be gentle. 

Andrew let out a slow breath between them. He leaned back enough, without breaking contact to look Neil in the eyes. Neil didn’t look away.

“See?” Andrew asked in a low whisper, his voice sent a shiver down Neil’s spine, “Not everything you come into contact with immediately dies.” 

Neil let out a sad breath of a laugh. They shared the same breath, once and then twice. 

“It will eventually,” Neil whispered, “I can’t- I can’t lose this.” 

“You won’t,” Andrew said steadily, “You can either believe me or stick around long enough to figure it out on your own.” 

He squeezed Neil’s hand tightly. 

“ _Stay_.” 

“Okay,” Neil said, because he couldn’t argue when Andrew was pressed against him like this, when they were sharing all thoughts and all feelings between them, when he could feel Andrew wanting right back at him.

“Okay,” Andrew whispered back. 

_Okay._

*

#### Columbia - June 18

Neil ended up sleeping on the couch. Once they had started touching it didn’t seem that either of them could stop. Andrew held his hand the entire time they had sat outside, breathing the same air, settling the aching feeling in their chests with warm skin and soft reassurances. 

Andrew had tried to guide him back to his room but Neil had refused. He didn’t want to sleep in there, where the demons of his past could rear their ugly heads whenever they had the chance. Andrew had simply tugged him into the living room and deposited him onto the couch. They laid head - to - toe, with Neil’s feet tucked under Andrew’s shoulder.

It wasn’t a long or satisfying rest. Neil woke up sore and out of sorts, but he felt lighter than he had the night before. More settled. 

The sound of voices in the kitchen had been the thing to wake him. He opened his eyes to find Kevin leaning against the doorway to the living room, his arms crossed and his eyes set on Neil. 

“You good?” Kevin asked, as soon as he saw that Neil was awake. 

“I’m fine,” Neil lied.

“For someone who spent the last ten years lying,” Kevin replied, “You’re pretty shit at it.” 

Neil let out a short laugh. 

“I guess I am,” He said. He sat up on the couch and stretched out his arms and legs. Andrew was nowhere in sight and the spot where he had been laying felt cold to the touch. He ran a hand over his face to push away the listless feeling behind his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Kevin said suddenly. Neil looked up to him. His green eyes were dark with an emotion Neil couldn’t name. “About your mother.” 

“I’m sorry about yours,” Neil said, because it felt like the thing to do, “I’m glad you have Wymack.” 

Kevin nodded awkwardly. “He’s a good man.” 

Neil nodded in agreement. It was awkward, watching Kevin try and show some humanity. Neil felt like he had never seen him before. The usual paranoid hunch was gone, in its place was a steady, leisurely stance. Neil wondered what had changed in the short time since the airport. 

_Everything_. He reminded himself. _Everything had changed_. 

“You’re going to London then?” Kevin asked. 

“Yeah. You?” 

“No,” Kevin replied, “I’m staying here with Wymack and Dan.” 

Neil nodded. 

“I’m guessing I don’t have to tell you to be careful,” Kevin said, his lips lifting upwards. 

“No,” Neil replied, “You don’t. I appreciate it anyway.” 

“Neil!” Allison called from behind Kevin. She quickly came into view and threw her arm around Kevin’s shoulder, causing him to step forward to counteract her sudden weight on him. 

“You’re awake!” She said cheerily, “Good! Come eat before it’s all gone. Matt and Seth are like bottomless pits.” 

" _Rude!_ ” One of them called from the kitchen. 

Allison let out a loud laugh, her head thrown back as if it was the funniest thing in the world. 

“Come,” She said, raising her free hand to gesture towards herself, “It’s time to eat with your fucked up family.” 

Family. His family. 

Neil stood up from the couch and let her drag him into the kitchen. He let Abby hand him a plate of food. He let Renee give him a warm smile. He let Wymack pass him a cup of coffee. He let Matt force him into the chair between himself and Dan. He let Seth ruffle his hair. He let Allison kiss his temple in passing. He let Kevin toss him a banana from the fruit bowl on the counter. He let Andrew stare at him as he always stared at him. 

_He belonged._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit of a chatty mess. I apologize. I had to get a lot of explanations out of the way before we got right into some plot action. I also decided to throw in some p i n i n g because I can't seem to write a story without having Andrew and Neil pine after each other for several paragraphs. 
> 
> The story from now on is going to get dark quick. I will always put warnings at the beginning of each chapter and update tags as we go.
> 
> Next chapter will feature the BPO event, some casual breaking and entering, and just a touch of drama. 
> 
> As always, you can reach me on [ Tumblr](http://stjosten.tumblr.com)


	4. What's Going On?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: implied/referenced rape/non-con (nothing explicit just mentions of drake in the first part of the chapter), ableist language, blood, bodily harm

_Andrew hadn’t felt well today. Last night had been a long night full of fear and crying and small hands clenched around the headboard of his bed._

_He woke up in a foul mood. He went to school in a foul mood._

_He normally wouldn’t have given Tom Davis the time of day, his classmate had a bad attitude and a constant need to mock Andrew’s small stature and frail arms, but last night had been a bad night and today Andrew felt out of control._

_As soon as Tom had opened his big mouth and called Andrew a “fucking baby midget” Andrew had punched him square in the jaw._

_Which was why he was sitting outside of the principal’s office waiting for Cass to pick him up._

_A foul mood, a foul reaction, a foul child._

_He wondered when Cass would give him back. He knew that she wouldn’t. She liked him. She made him his favorite lunch every single day and always stopped for ice cream on the way home from soccer practice._

_Everything else in the Spear household was out of his control. He would give anything to keep Cass, even if it meant dealing with Drake._

_There was a strange tingling sensation in the back of his head. He suddenly felt worse than he had before. His hands were shaking, drool was beginning to pool in his mouth, his stomach was clenching and unclenching._

_He didn’t know if he was just anxious about going home and seeing Cass’s disappointed face when she heard he was fighting or if it was something else._

_The world started to tilt too much in one direction. He shook his head to clear the fog only for it to be replaced by a hard ringing in his ears._

_He could hear someone crying. Was it him? Was it Tom in the nurse's office crying about his split lip?_

_The door down the hallway opened and Andrew’s eyes went wide._

_“Hi AJ,” Drake said._

_Andrew didn’t even see him. Behind Drake a woman with light blonde hair and unsettling gray eyes was staring at him._

_He couldn’t understand why but suddenly he was crying._

_She didn’t move from the doorway, even as Drake came closer, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. She looked ethereal, like a bright light was surrounding her and only her._

_She opened her mouth._

_“You have been reborn.”_

#### London, England - June 22

Andrew hated the weather in London. One day it was sunny and satisfactory and the next it was a rainy fucking mess. It reminded him too much of Berlin and it was putting an uneasy feeling in his chest that only grew the longer they were in the city. 

Allison owned an expensive flat in the heart of London. They had arrived the day before, after a long ride on her private jet. Andrew had never been a fan of flying, his very rational fear of heights made it so he was tense the entire ride, but it helped to have most of the cluster chattering about around him. He let the feeling of Neil fast sleep beside him settle the gnawing in his legs. He never slept when he had to fly, so he arrived in London worn and frustrated, it only seemed to get worse when he saw that it was raining.

The plan was simple. Allison, Renee, and Seth were going to attend the event and save face and make nice with some BPO executives while Matt and Neil went in under the ruse of being night time janitors to clean the offices. Dan had made them impressively real looking IDs that she promised would work on any door in the facility. Andrew didn’t doubt her ability, he had tapped into her resources once for a job in Russia, everything had gone smooth sailing thanks to her. 

He still felt uneasy about everything. He thought maybe it was because he was sending them into the lion’s den without him. He knew Matt could handle his own, his mom was a world class boxer and he had learned more than enough to win a fight. He also knew that Neil could handle his own, he had killed three men in Berlin without even flinching. 

There was still something sitting in the back of his mind telling him that this was a mistake. He tried to push it away, but it reared its ugly head whenever he looked at Neil. 

_Protective_ , he told himself, _you’re just being over protective_. 

Andrew would be there every step of the way. He wasn’t going to let any of them out of his sight for too long. Even if he was stuck in the stupid London flat with Abby, he was going to visit all five of them throughout the night in case something happened. For some reason the reminder didn’t make him feel any better. 

Neil’s usual anxious energy had pretty much dissipated leading up to the event. Andrew had watched him pack and unpack his duffel bag several times before they had left Abby’s house. He had been a ball of chaotic energy that could burst at any moment. 

Andrew had quickly realized that the only way to calm Neil’s panic was touch. It seemed to ground him substantially whenever Andrew would press a warm hand against his clammy neck. It was helpful for Neil but it had turned out to be a test of Andrew’s resolve. He had to often force himself to pull away whenever his skin came into contact with Neil’s. If he didn’t he feared that he would never let go. Neil sometimes made it clear he didn’t want him to. Andrew’s resolve was slowly crumbling. 

He tried to push away his _want_. The event was in just a few hours. If they fucked this up in any way whatsoever they would end up with a much bigger problem than Andrew wanting to push Neil into the closest bed and take him apart. 

He told himself it was their connection that made the want so fierce. But he had never looked at Seth or Matt or even Kevin the way he looked at Neil. It was a problem. It was his problem and no one else’s. 

He pushed it away. 

Allison, Renee, and Abby had disappeared at some point during the day to do whatever it was that they needed to do before the event. He had told Allison that it was a waste of time to put so much stock into their appearances when Matt and Neil would be risking everything just a couple of floors above them. 

Allison, being Allison, scoffed at him, called him uncultured, wrapped an arm around Renee’s waist and dragged her away. 

He knew that this was one way Allison coped with her nerves, shopping and self indulgent appointments at high end salons in the guise of keeping up with the Joneses. Andrew remembered her when she was much younger and much more unsure of herself. He remembered the red rimmed eyes and the way she would rip her own hair out when she was upset. 

Allison had come a long way since then. Andrew would be cruel to mock her for that, even if he didn’t agree with her new form of coping. 

Seth and Matt were too busy having a moment in the kitchen to even hear Allison leave. They were currently shotgunning beers over the sink and cheering as if the plan had already been successful. At least Allison was sober, these two were one step away from being useless. 

“Enough,” Andrew said, he grabbed a can of beer straight from Seth’s hand and poured it down the drain, “Both of you need to be sober tonight. Going in there drunk would be reckless.” 

“We’re not drunk, monster,” Seth said, but his voice was much more lax than it usually was, “We’re taking the edge off.” 

“Take up a different coping mechanism,” Andrew replied, “I hear knitting is soothing.” 

Seth scoffed at him but didn’t argue. He put the rest of the beer back in the fridge. Matt had looked put off for one measly second before he dumped his own beer into the sink. 

“You’re right,” he said, “I have to watch out for the kid.”

“The kid?” Seth asked, “Bro, Neil could literally gut you like a fish before you could say ayudame.” 

Matt laughed his usual big, open mouthed laugh before saying, “You’re right. He’s kind of fucking scary. I still can’t help but want to take care of him. I called him my friend the other day and he looked like he was going to pass out and then asked if we were really friends. I don’t think anyone has ever been _nice_ to him before.” 

It was true, no one had ever been nice to Neil before. No one had ever touched Neil before without intent to harm. Neil had confessed as much to him during their late night talks in Abby’s backyard. The cluster was slowly trying to change that. _Andrew_ wanted to try and change that. 

“We found him though,” Seth said helpfully, “And he's a good addition to the cluster, even with his attitude problem. Don’t you think so, monster? We all seen the way you look at him.” 

Seth gave him a pointed look and raised his eyebrows several times as if he was trying to insinuate something. 

Andrew rolled his eyes. 

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re mouth and your ass switched places,” Andrew said, “Because everything you say is just shit.” 

Matt laughed and threw his head back. Seth gave them both the middle finger, but he was smiling too. 

Andrew had years to build a comfortable enough relationship with Seth and Matt where he could talk to them like this without immediately starting a fight. They still called him monster, with much more fondness then the nickname originally held, but Andrew thought it was now a force of habit. It was what Allison and Seth both called him in private and to complete strangers. 

Andrew knew it was the truth, even if they said it now with an air of warmth, he was still a monster. 

Neil decided to walk into the kitchen at that moment. He looked far too relaxed for someone that had at least six panic attacks in the last week. Andrew wondered if one of the others had slipped him a Xanax when they had breakfast this morning. 

“What’s so funny?” He asked, stepping up to stand beside Andrew. He leaned against the island counter before lifting himself up with his hands and taking a seat right on the speckled marble. 

“Andrew’s just bullying Seth,” Matt said, “He’s the only one that can get away with it.” 

“That’s because it’s mutual,” Seth said petulantly, “I give the monster just as much shit as he gives me.” 

Andrew felt something spike in Neil. He didn’t have a chance to figure out what it was. Matt quickly punched Seth in the arm as if he was giving him a warning. 

“Lets go,” Matt said, “We’ve got to- uh, get you ready.” 

“What?” Seth asked, looking confused but not pulling away as Matt dragged him from the kitchen, “The event isn’t for hours. Why the fuck do I gotta get ready now?” 

Andrew sighed and listened to them shuffle away. He didn’t turn to look at Neil until he heard a door slam down the hall. 

Neil’s knuckles were white from gripping the edge of the counter too tight. Andrew was almost tempted to reach out and soothe the harsh lines from his hands. 

“I hate when they call you that,” Neil said, he sounded strained.

“What?” Andrew asked, even though he knew the answer. 

“Monster,” Neil replied softly, “You’re not a monster.” 

Andrew saw a memory of breaking Riko’s arm with nothing but a solid grip and a foot on his back. He bit his lip and tried to push the memory away. 

“I am,” Andrew said, clear and without any room for argument, “You just haven’t seen it yet.” 

“I killed three men right in front of you,” Neil said, “I would do it again in a heartbeat.” 

Andrew shook his head. “That was different.” 

“How?” 

“It was self defense. You did it to save our asses.”

“You wouldn’t willingly hurt someone without a reason,” Neil replied, “If I’m not a monster then neither are you. You don’t get to punish yourself for something that you forgive the rest of us for.” 

Andrew thought about Seth helping him cut the brakes on Tilda’s car. He remembered the way Seth had looked at him when he had talked about doing it. Seth had said, _I can help you. I know about cars. I would do the same for my brother_.

Andrew had to bite the inside of his mouth until he tasted blood to keep _that_ memory away. 

Neil was looking at him like that. The stupid look that was full of bright, steady, blue eyes that said _you’re worth so much more_.

Andrew reached out but stopped himself from letting his hand touch the skin of Neil’s cheek. He wanted to run his calloused fingers across the smooth skin. He wanted to push Neil’s curled brown hair off of his forehead.

_He wanted-_

Andrew dropped his hand and turned away. His fingers were itching for a cigarette. He eyed the doorway to the balcony in consideration. He could feed his addiction to nicotine and his addiction to _feeling_. Or he could entertain his addiction to Neil’s eyes and his addiction to _those feelings_. 

Spite would have won on a normal day. He would have stopped the conversation there and gone straight to the balcony to smoke. He thought maybe there was a version of himself in some universe that did just that. He bet that version of himself was immensely lonely without Neil’s familiar warmth and their connection flaring obscenely between them. 

He let out a sigh and pulled out his pack of cigarettes. He held one out in offering, Neil took it and followed him out the door and to the fenced in balcony of Allison’s high rise apartment. 

“Do you have everything for tonight?” Andrew asked, attempting to seem casual. Neil leaned back onto the railing and rolled his unlit cigarette between his fingers. The familiar tingling in Andrew’s legs set in at the sight of Neil so close to the edge. He considered pulling him away from the railing and back to safety but decided against it. 

Instead he lit his own cigarette and held out the lighter in offering. Neil took it, unabashedly running his finger along Andrew’s. Even the smallest touch of skin sent a thrill down Andrew’s spine. 

_Stop._

“Should be fine,” Neil said, “We have Dan’s IDs and the hard drive Dan gave us to copy their database. She said she’ll take over when we get there so we don’t fuck it up.” He smiled. “I don’t think she trusts us.” 

“She shouldn’t,” Andrew said, “You still look at my phone like it’s alien technology.”

Neil finally, _finally_ laughed his sweet melodic laugh. Andrew closed his eyes and recorded it to his memory so he could hold it with him always. _Such a sweet sound._

“I know how to use a smartphone,” Neil said, “It’s just a bit confusing.”

Andrew hummed his reply. He took a drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke in Neil’s direction. Neil wrinkled his nose but only smiled at him. 

_Fuck_. There it was again- that _wanting._

They had spent many nights in Columbia wrapped around each other on the back porch of Abby’s house. Neil was always warm and willing to run his hands over Andrew’s scarred knuckles, and Andrew was willing to press the side of his head against Neil’s unruly curls. 

They shared cigarettes and secrets and whispered truths to each other before letting them disappear into the South Carolina night sky. 

Andrew didn’t indulge in touching Neil any other time of day. He didn’t think he had the strength to keep his hands to himself and he very much didn’t want to share any of those moments with their cluster. 

It was obvious that they knew. The cluster shared _everything_. So there was no way they couldn’t feel the spike in Neil and Andrew late at night, but they were smart enough not to mention it to either of them. Andrew wasn’t grateful, they didn’t deserve to be thanked for showing the smallest amount of human decency. 

It was tempting, Andrew realized, to cross the space between them and place himself between Neil’s thighs and let his hands wander across the jagged skin under his shirt. He had little self control anymore, not when those blue eyes were looking at him _like that._

He almost gave in but he felt Allison poking her way into their connection. He wanted to throw his head back and groan at the intrusion. Instead he welcomed it- now wasn’t the time.

“Oh, _gross_ ,” Allison said, she had appeared between him and Neil on the balcony looking like a million dollars, Andrew rolled his eyes at her. “I can’t believe you’re both _making eyes_ in broad daylight on _my_ balcony. Get a room.” 

“Fuck off, Allison,” Neil cut in, “What do you want?” 

“Touchy,” she said, before swiping her hair over her shoulder, “We’re ten minutes away. Wanted to give you a heads up in case you were fucking on my couch. But, this? This is much worse.” 

“Thanks, Allison,” Andrew replied sarcastically, “Like Neil said, fuck off.” 

She waved her hand in the air and said, “What’s the point of being in a cluster together if I can’t torture you both whenever I want? By the way, Renee and I are bringing food home. And yes, Andrew, we were sure to get you something sickeningly sweet.” 

Andrew nodded his approval. “Good, very good.” 

“I’m surprised you don’t have more cavities,” Allison chided. God- Andrew wanted her to just _fuck off_. “I’ll never understand how you’re a functioning person. It’s just spite keeping you together, isn’t it? Spite and pettiness.” 

“I’m not petty,” Andrew replied tersely, “It’s a useless emotion.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Allison mocked, “Just like every other emotion. Maybe find a new catch phrase while we’re at the party. You’ll have a lot of time in your hands.” 

He sent his best glare, the kind he saved for real assholes, and watched her flinch only marginally at the heat of it. 

“Fine!” She said, raising her hands in defeat, “I’ll fuck off! Have fun eye fucking each other on my balcony. Be sure to let me know when you give in to those _urges_ , by the way, I have a lot of money riding on you two.” 

Neil looked between Allison and Andrew in sheer confusion, his eyebrows furrowing together, and a small line was forming between his brows. He looked petulant and childish and Andrew wanted to press his lips to - 

Fuck. Fuck. Allison was right, he was basically fucking Neil with his eyes. 

“ _Fuck off_ ,” Andrew settled on saying, “As if I’ll ever ensure you win a bet. You have more money than you know what to do with. You don’t need more.” 

Allison shrugged and flipped her hair once again before saying, “‘Kay, we’ll be back soon. Hope you’re hungry, assholes.” 

Andrew blinked and she was gone.

“God,” Andrew said, “She’s just the _fucking_ worst.” 

Neil’s confusion hadn’t gone away, his face was still twisted in bemusement. 

“What was she talking about?” Neil asked, “Are they betting on us?” 

“They bet on everything,” Andrew replied quickly, hoping to avoid talking about the _us_ that Neil had just casually just thrown into the open, “They’ve bet on everyone’s sexuality at least once. They’ve bet on Wymack and Abby’s relationship. They even bet on sports games. It doesn’t matter. It’s nothing.” 

He tried not to flinch at his dismissal. 

“Nothing?” Neil asked, “The bet, or-?”

Andrew wasn’t sure if he wanted to take two steps forward and push Neil over the edge or kiss him. Maybe both.

“It’s-“ Andrew stopped himself, he always knew what to say, he was never at a loss for words, he was always prepared, “Now isn’t the time for this. We have a few hours before you’re walking right into the Moriyama's opened arms.” 

He didn’t say they would talk about it later. It was implied. 

“So after, then?” Neil asked. His cigarette had gone out without him even realizing it. Andrew stepped forward and stole it right from his limp fingers. He threw his own finished cigarette to the ground before relighting Neil’s and taking a drag. 

“After,” he said, once he was sure that he wasn’t going to burst into flames at the admission. 

“Okay,” Neil said, he tilted his head and looked at Andrew _like_ that. 

He really should just push the idiot off the edge before he lost himself. 

“Okay,” Andrew echoed dumbly, “Now, go through the plan again.” 

Neil groaned and gave Andrew an annoyed glare. “We’ve done this twelve times,” Neil complained, “I know what I’m doing.”

“Great,” Andrew said around the cigarette between his lips, “Then it won’t be a problem for you to go through it again with me.” 

Neil rolled his eyes but conceded. 

“Renee, Allison, and Matt will get to the party and go inside and do whatever the fuck it is they do at those type of events,” Neil started, rushing his words so he could get it over with quickly, “Matt and I will wait until 10 pm when the usual night janitors arrive. We’ll go in through the back using our IDs and go up to the executive suite. Dan will take over and do her dramatic hacker business. We’ll grab the hard drive and we’ll leave. The Moriyamas won’t even notice it happened.”

“And?” Andrew asked, tapping the toe of his boot as he waited.

“ _And_ ,” Neil said petulantly, “Dan will block out every camera in the executive suite. You’ll be with us every step of the way. If we run into anyone I’ll let Matt do all of the talking, because as you so kindly said, I have a _fucking mouth_ on me.” 

That he did.

“It’ll be fine,” Neil finished, “Don’t you trust me?” 

Andrew saw a flash of neon lights and Renee’s wide, red rimmed eyes and bloody knuckles.

_“Do you trust me?”_

Andrew pressed his nails into the palm of his hand until the memory subsided. 

“No,” he decided to say, but it wasn’t the whole truth. He didn’t trust himself to keep Neil safe. He didn’t trust the Moriyamas not to take the thing Andrew really wanted. “But I’m trying.” 

Neil smiled softly and took the final step to close the space between them. 

“It’ll be okay,” he said gently, his voice seemed to balm the nerves settling in Andrew’s stomach, “I promised you I wouldn’t die.” 

Andrew remembered the half delusional promise he forced Neil to make. It was unrealistic, everything died, but he still let the promise soothe him, let it wash over his entire being.

He dropped his cigarette and took Neil’s face between his hands. The touch sent instant electricity through Andrew’s skin. 

“Don’t be a martyr,” he said. Neil smiled and leaned an inch closer- not close enough. 

“I’ll try,” Neil replied teasingly, “You know me.” 

“Unfortunately.”

Neil huffed out a breath of a laugh and Andrew breathed it in and let his forehead press against Neil’s. He shouldn’t, he shouldn’t lean his head up just a little bit, he shouldn’t let his lips brush against Neil’s. Not right now, not before _all this_ was going to happen. 

Andrew almost didn’t let himself stop but the sound of a door slamming inside the apartment brought him back to the present. 

_Not now. Not now. Not the time. Let him go._

Andrew dropped his hands and took several steps back. 

Allison’s voice filtered through the opened door to the apartment. 

“I better not walk into my living room and see anyone’s ass on display!”

Andrew was going to _kill her_. 

Renee appeared at the door, her smile wide and all knowing. 

“We brought food,” she said helpfully, “Come eat.”

Andrew pushed everything else down and focused on the present. They were hours away from the biggest _heist_ any of them had ever tried to accomplish. This made every job Andrew ever worked look like child’s play. 

He watched Neil follow Renee happily into the living room. He watched Seth hook an arm around Neil’s neck and ruffle his hair. He watched them laugh and tease as if they weren’t moments away from handing their entire cluster over to the Moriyamas. 

Andrew tried to tamp down the unsettling feeling that had taken root in his chest. It didn’t work. The feeling grew until it was a full tree of something sinister threatening to spill through his lips. 

It was going to be a long night. 

*

#### London - June 22

Abby was as calming of a presence as she could be considering that Andrew was one step away from a Neil-hearing-his-dad’s-name, level freak out. 

“Just try and relax,” Abby said calmly, “We haven’t run into any issues yet.” 

Yet was the word of the hour. 

Andrew didn’t give her a reply. He was frustrated. His wound was still aching and his nerves were shot. Neil and Matt had left a little while ago to get to the BPO headquarters for their 10 pm “janitor duties.” Allison, Renee, and Seth were currently milling about the party. Andrew kept checking in on them but every few minutes he would come back to his body and let himself panic. 

He wished he hadn’t let Neil go. He wasn’t worried about the others like he was worried about Neil. Stupid Neil with his stupid mouth and his stupid attitude problem. He was bound to cause trouble. It was only a matter of time before he pissed off the wrong person and got himself killed. 

Andrew sighed and ran his hands through his hair, tugging just enough to feel something other than worry. 

Abby hovered next to him. 

“Why don’t you go check in again?” She offered calmly, “It will make you feel better to be close.” 

Andrew nodded. He didn’t bother standing from the couch. He felt through their connection until he was pulled straight to Renee. 

When he opened his eyes he was standing in the center of a large ballroom. BPO seemed to be taking their modern aesthetic very seriously. Everything inside the building was white with hard edges, the chairs were awkwardly shaped abstract curves and the tables were covered in glowing blue centerpieces. Andrew wanted to gag at the sigh of it. 

Renee was standing beside him, looking calm and collected being surrounded by the enemy. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun on the back of her head. She didn’t look at Andrew but she leaned slightly in his direction, as if she was casually shifting her weight, to show that she saw him. 

Andrew knew better than to try and make conversation right now. He simply stood beside Renee and scanned the room for Allison and Seth. They weren’t difficult to find. Allison was in a skintight white dress that had a skit going dangerously high on her leg. He curled his lip at the sight of it. 

Seth was wearing a formal suite and tie combo. His usual mess of curly hair was tamed down into something more sophisticated. It was still surreal to see him in such a formal setting. Andrew was used to seeing Seth bent over a car with his hands covered in grease. Working with Allison had changed him. He was sporting a good-boy smile specifically meant to woo and please anyone that looked at him. 

If only they could see Seth as he was a few hours ago, halfway to drunk and swearing up a storm in the kitchen. 

Andrew let his eyes wander through the crowd. He wondered how many sensates were standing in this one room. How many had sold themselves and their clusters over to the Moriyamas?

It was a hard truth in life. Some people would do anything to survive, even if it meant killing their own cluster. 

_Cannibals._

Andrew’s eyes caught on a familiar sickly pale body. Jean Moreau looked as emaciated and unwell as he had the first time Andrew had seen him. No amount of makeup or fancy clothing could hide the hunch in his shoulders or the dark circles under his eyes. 

Andrew didn’t understand what Renee saw in him. But she was enamored with him nonetheless. 

“Renee,” Jean said, as soon as he was close enough to be heard. 

“Jean,” Renee replied, an easy smile blooming on her face, “Good to see you.” 

Andrew noticed immediately that she had slipped into French. For a second he was confused, Kevin was the one that spoke French in their cluster and he was currently drugged to the gills with inhibitors, there was no way Renee could borrow that language from him. He belatedly remembered that Allison also spoke some French, he wondered if Neil did as well.

“It’s dangerous for you to be here,” Jean said, looking around as if someone unsavory was going to appear out of thin air and interrupt them, “Considering.”

“Yes,” Renee replied, “But that was a very long time ago. I’m sure no one has spared a second thought for that lost Korean girl from all those years ago.” 

Jean worried his bottom lip between his teeth before he said, “It’s still not safe. Everyone is here for the event.” 

“Are they?” Renee asked calmly, “I hadn’t noticed.” 

Andrew snorted. Renee didn’t even spare him a glance, simply kept smiling at Jean like nothing had happened. 

“What a surprise,” Allison’s voice chimed in suddenly, they all turned to see that she had wandered over from across the room, her arm hooked around Seth’s, “Been a while Jean.” 

She looked him directly in the eye and Jean seemed to stiffen immediately at the contact. Andrew knew that look well. Sensates like him were prone to avoiding eye contact with anyone just to be safe. Establishing a connection outside of your cluster was as easy as locking eyes. It was how Renee had established her connection with Jean all those years ago. 

Jean recovered quickly from his full body flinch. He didn’t look away from Allison like Andrew thought he would, he continued to make eye contact with her throughout the conversation. 

“I was just saying hello,” Jean said stiffly, “I didn’t expect you all to be here.” 

He had switched back to French again. Allison caught on quickly and followed his lead. 

“Why not?” She asked, her smirk curling and cutting her face into two, she suddenly looked less like the ivory princess she had been pretending to be and more like a wolf in sheep's clothing, “Something you’re trying to hide from your dear old friends?” 

Jean stiffened once again, he took a half a step back from her as if her words had cut him. “No,” He said shortly, “Nothing like that.”

Allison hummed but it sounded more like a viper waiting to strike, “Why don’t I believe you?” 

“Allison,” Renee said sweetly switching back to English, her smile never leaving her face but the muscles in her jaw were tensing marginally, “Why don’t we go get something to drink? I’m feeling parched. Would you like something, Jean?” 

Allison reeled in her poisonous smile and schooled her features back to something more appropriate for their setting.

“Of course, dear,” She said smoothly. She unhooked her arm from Seth’s and offered it to Renee, “Let’s go.” 

Renee took the offering and spared a side glance in Andrew’s direction. He nodded at her before looking between Seth and Jean. Seth pointedly avoided Jean’s eyes, instead he glared at Jean’s chin. 

“Careful,” Seth warned in French, “I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you.” 

“I would never go after yours,” He said, avoiding the use of the word cluster, “I’m just doing what I have to do to survive.” 

“Cannibalism isn’t survival,” Andrew said under his breath, even though he knew Jean couldn’t hear him. Seth’s only reaction to those words was to clench his fists at his side, he never took his eyes off of Jean for a second. 

“People would do a lot of terrible things to save themselves,” Seth said, “I would know.” 

With that he turned on his heel and followed after Renee and Allison. Andrew visited Allison immediately, avoiding the short walk to join them. 

“I’m going to check on Matt and Neil,” He said as soon as he was close enough to Renee and Allison to touch, “Don’t do anything stupid.” 

Allison sighed and leaned in to whisper in Renee’s ear, Andrew still heard it. 

“No promises,” She said in German before leaning back up and grabbing a glass of champagne. Andrew rolled his eyes and stepped back. 

He turned his head to find himself standing in an elevator. He turned to catch sight of Matt and Neil standing next to a cart full of cleaning supplies. 

“This shit is demeaning,” Matt said darkly. He leaned back against the wall of the elevator and ignored the way Neil smirked at him. 

“It’s not real,” Neil said, “Stop complaining.” 

“Seriously,” Dan added, showing up just as the elevator door opened, “If you act anymore apathetic you might get caught. Also, just to remind you both, the cameras pick up noise. Stop being fucking dramatic and talking so much.” 

Neil snorted but didn’t reply. He pushed the cart out of the elevator and Matt followed him. 

The highest floor of BPO headquarters was the executive suite. Kengo Moriyama had an office on this floor but he was rarely present at the London campus, he spent most of his time in New York City with his son and second in command, Ichirou. 

There wouldn’t be anything useful in Kengo’s office, so they were targeting the Director of the London Headquarters, an older woman named Jenine Dorster. Neil went straight toward her office. Andrew was impressed with Neil’s self control, he didn’t move his eyes from straight ahead, normally he would be mapping out the entire building, looking skittish and paranoid as his eyes darted around the room. He must have been taking Dan’s words to heart or maybe it was because he thrived in situations like this, he had a set plan, a set place to go, and a purpose. It must be enough for him to think and act rationally. 

Matt on the other hand wasn’t coping well. 

“Dan,” He said under his breath, “Are you going to cut the cameras over here?” 

“Not yet,” She said quickly, following after them. Andrew turned his head and saw her in the basement of Abby and Wymack’s house. She was sitting in front of her multi-monitor setup, her hands were hovering over the mouse as she looked across each screen. Kevin was seated close behind her, twirling in one of the desk chairs, his hands shaking. Apparently, he wasn’t coping well either. 

Andrew blinked and he was back in London with Neil and Matt. 

“I’ll cut the footage and replace it with a loop once you're done here,” Dan said, “I don’t want to risk the system alerting anyone to your presence.” 

They reached Dorster’s office. Neil pulled out a set of keys he had received from the security guard at the main desk. He tried several until he found the one that got the door open. 

“Okay,” Neil whispered, “Okay. Okay. Okay.” 

Andrew snorted and gave him a helpful shove into the room. Matt shut and locked the door behind him. Dorster’s office was full of floor to ceiling windows overlooking London. Andrew let out a low whistle as he looked over the room. 

“Fancy,” Matt joked, “Someone thinks highly of themselves.” He picked up a picture from the desk and turned it to show Andrew. The woman in the picture, Dorster Andrew assumed, was standing next to a well dressed older version of Riko Moriyama. 

“Wow,” Neil whispered, leaning over Matt’s shoulder to look at the photo, “I see where Riko gets his smug fucking face now.” 

Matt laughed at him before putting the photo back down. 

“Can you both focus?” Dan asked, “I’m taking over. I can get everything we need from this computer.”

She went around the desk and pulled out the chair, sitting down and turning the computer on. 

“Password,” She whispered, “Hold on.” 

Andrew watched her disappear before coming back again a couple of seconds later. Neil leaned against the desk beside her, he watched her with interest as she typed away on the computer. 

“Hard drive,” She said, holding her hand out expectantly. Neil shuffled for a moment before he pulled the sleek black drive from the pocket of his coverall. 

“How long will this take?” Neil asked, his eyes roamed to the door before looking back down at Dan.

 _Oh there it is_ , Andrew thought, _He’s looking like a rabbit again._

“Not long,” Dan said, “I need fifteen minutes.” 

“What should we do until then?” Matt asked, looking exasperated, “Just _hang out_?” 

“Yeah,” Neil said, smirking, “Why don’t you run laps around the office? That’s not inconspicuous or anything.” 

“You know what you could do?” Andrew commented, deciding to play along, Matt and Neil both turned to look at him, “Maybe try some actual cleaning. You _are_ janitors.” 

Neil covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing, his eyes were light with amusement. 

“We’re bad janitors,” Matt said, “I have never cleaned anything in my entire life.” 

“We are wildly aware,” Dan added in, not looking up from the computer, “We live with you.” 

Matt placed a hand over his heart in feigned shock. “Wow,” He said dramatically, “From _you_. The woman I was going to _marry_.” 

“I’m still considering my options,” Dan said with no real heat, “Plus you haven’t even asked yet. You can’t claim we’re getting married if you haven’t even put a ring on it.” She held her left hand up to show the very obvious lack of a ring. Matt groaned. 

“Babe,” He said stepping over and leaning onto the back of her chair, “As soon as we’re no longer one step away from a Moriyama related disaster I’ll propose.”

Dan flipped him off in reply. Matt simply smirked at her and pressed a kiss to her cheek. She pushed him away. 

Andrew rolled his eyes. He felt a strange prickling sensation in the back of his connection. He furrowed his eyebrows and tried to figure out what it was that was causing it. Dan, Matt, and Neil must have felt it as well because they had similar looks of discomfort on their faces. 

“What _is_ that?” Matt asked, “It feels like- Wait! Did we just lose Seth?” 

Andrew clenched his jaw. “I’m going to check in,” He said darkly, “Hurry the fuck up. We have to leave.” 

He waited long enough to see Dan nod at him. He turned his head and came face to face with Renee. 

“What happened?” He asked. Renee was standing with a drink in her hand, her lips curled downwards. He looked around and caught sight of both Allison and Seth, untouched but looking pointedly uncomfortable. 

“I think,” Renee said looking down at the drink in her hand, “That they slipped inhibitors into everyone’s drinks.” 

“ _Fuck_ ,” He cursed loudly, “Get Allison and Seth. We’re fucking leaving.” 

Renee nodded. He didn’t have the chance to say anything else to her. He was ripped back to his own body in the London flat. He looked over to see Abby hovering by the living room door. He opened his mouth to tell her what happened when he caught the look on her face. 

“What is it?” He asked, immediately standing from the couch. Abby shook her head at him. 

“It’s nothing,” She said, “Someone just came and knocked on the door.” 

“Don’t tell me you answered,” Andrew started but Abby stopped him with a hard look. 

“I wasn’t born yesterday,” She said, “I obviously didn’t answer. It was probably nothing, but-” She stopped herself short and caught the end of her shirt between her hands. 

“The others are coming back soon,” Andrew stated, “We just have to wait.” 

Abby nodded in reply. 

“I have to go back,” He said, “Don’t answer the fucking door.” 

“I _know_.” 

Andrew ran his hands through his hair and blinked. He caught sight of Neil and Matt leaving Dorster’s office. Neil looked at him immediately, their connection flared. 

“What happened?” He asked, “We lost connection with Allison and Renee as well.” 

“Inhibitors,” Andrew explained, “They spiked the drinks.” 

“Fuck,” Matt whispered, he grabbed the cart and started pushing it toward the elevator, “We gotta go. Like now.” 

“I told Renee to get the others and leave before I lost connection with her,” Andrew said, “I suggest you both get a fucking move on.” 

They both nodded and pushed the cart to the elevator and got inside.

“Are you okay?” Neil asked, turning in Andrew’s direction, “You’re shaking.” 

“I’m fine,” Andrew replied immediately, “Just shut up and get out of here before I come drag you out myself.” 

Neil didn’t look satisfied with that answer. He continued to stare at Andrew as he always did, as if he was _looking through_ him. 

“It’s fine,” Andrew repeated, much softer this time, “Promise. Just- just get the hell out of here.” 

Neil nodded. He brushed a hand up Andrew’s forearm before pulling away. Matt made no comment but he pointedly refused to look in their direction during the interaction. 

Andrew let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair once again, tugging, tugging, until he felt more settled. 

The elevator dinged once they reached the ground floor. Matt and Neil went straight to the side exit, avoiding the security guard at the front desk. They abandoned their cart by the door and walked straight outside. 

Neil started unzipping and pulling the top half of his coveralls off and tying the arms around his waist while they walked into the crowded parking lot. Andrew caught sight of Allison’s bright white dress before the others. He changed Neil’s direction immediately and walked them both over to Renee, Allison, and Seth. 

“I’ve never been on inhibitors before,” Seth said, wide eyed and looking pointedly uncomfortable, “I fucking hate this.” 

“They’ll wear off,” Andrew said before he groaned and pushed Neil so that he could relay his words to them. 

“Andrew said that they’ll wear off,” Neil relayed, “Also he says you look nice.” 

Andrew sent him a glare and pinched Neil’s side in retaliation. 

“I said no such thing,” Andrew said darkly, knowing they couldn’t hear him. Neil smirked at him, “I’ll be sure to not tell them that.” 

“We need to go,” Renee said, stopping them, “We’re sitting ducks without our connection keeping us together.” 

Neil and Matt both agreed in unison. They started walking off towards Allison’s far too pink Porsche when something started to burn on Andrew’s skin. He reached down and touched the unhealed wound in his stomach. 

“Fuck,” He spit out, “Ah, fuck.” 

“Drew?” Neil said, turning to look at him, “Andrew what’s wrong?” 

Andrew didn’t have a chance to answer. He opened his eyes back at the London flat. 

The first thing he noticed was that he was on the ground. The second thing he noticed was that there were two hulking men standing over him.

Andrew swore loudly and kicked his legs to push himself back. The men didn’t make a move to follow after him. Andrew scurried back far enough from them that he felt safe to stand without getting kicked in the stomach. 

The third thing he noticed was that Abby was laying in a pool of blood by the living room entrance. 

Why did he ignore his instincts? Why did he let them go through with this? He should have known better. _He should have fucking known._

He didn’t get a chance to feel much more regret than that. The two men stepped aside to reveal a very smug, very proud looking Riko. He raised his hands as if he was Moses parting the red sea. Andrew pointedly avoided meeting his eyes, but he realized that this was a lost cause. They had him, he didn’t stand a chance.

“Welcome, Minyard,” Riko greeted, “I’m so excited to finally have a face to face with you. You know, it’s been _years_ but I’ll never forget our first meeting. I always wondered what I would do when I finally got my hands on you. Guess we’re going to find out, aren’t we?” 

“What the fuck do you want?” Andrew asked, he clutched the wound in his stomach, his hand pulled away red, they must have hit him when he was still visiting the others.

“You know what I want,” Riko said, “You took something that didn’t belong to you. I’m here to take it back.” 

“What makes you think Kevin is even _here_?” Andrew bit out.

“It doesn’t matter if he is or if he isn’t,” Riko said. He motioned for the men to advance toward Andrew. Andrew pulled a knife from his armband but wasn’t fast enough. The pain in his stomach was dulling his movement, he felt stiff and weak. One of the men reached out and grabbed his arm and held it above his head. Andrew couldn’t stop the sharp grunt of pain he let out when his stitches pulled even further. The knife fell from his hand completely useless. 

“I’m not here for Kevin,” Riko said, taking a step forward, he reached out and grabbed a black bag that was sitting on the coffee table beside him. He opened it up and pulled out a syringe. Andrew could only guess what was in there. 

“See, we’ve decided that your cluster is a problem that needs to be taken care of,” Riko explained he flicked the end of the syringe before holding it in front of him steadily, “And you’re going to help us solve that problem. Understand?” 

Andrew tried to tug his hand out of the large man’s grasp. He turned his head and caught sight of Neil, eyes wide, his hands shaking.

“Andrew?” Neil asked. His voice sounded far away. It felt like Andrew was drowning. 

The other man came up beside him and grabbed his other arm, effectively restraining him. Riko stepped into his space. He closed his eyes and thought of Neil, thought of blue eyes and his curled hair. 

He opened his eyes to come face to face with him. They were still standing in the parking lot of the BPO headquarters. He didn’t know how much time had passed. Neil was staring at him with wide terrified eyes. 

“Andrew-?”

He didn’t let Neil finish. He closed the space between them, he took Neil’s face into his hands, he let out a deep breath. He kissed him. 

It wasn’t how Andrew had wanted this to happen. It wasn’t in person, it wasn’t slow and steady as Andrew had hoped their first would be, it wasn’t earth shattering with the swelling of their connection. 

It was hard and fast and chaste and not enough and too much and everything he had wanted and everything he _needed_ right at this exact moment. Andrew pressed his lips as hard as he could against Neil’s without hurting him. Andrew tried to convey what it meant, he tried to push his feelings straight through the connection into Neil’s chest. 

_I want you._

_I didn’t know I could have this._

_I wish I could keep this._

He pulled away too quickly. He felt the sedatives kicking in through his blood stream, he felt the familiar heaviness of it. He felt his blood running too thick, he felt the connection between them slipping. 

“I’m sorry,” He whispered against Neil’s lips.

Neil shivered against him. 

“Andrew,” He choked out, “What’s happening?” 

“Remember,” Andrew started, his voice beginning to slur, he tried so hard to stay awake, he tried so hard to keep their connection active, “Remember what you promised? In Berlin?”

“Yes,” Neil whispered, his eyes were wide, “Yes.” 

“Promise,” Andrew whispered. 

“I promise,” Neil replied. He reached out and wrapped his hand around Andrew’s wrists, “I promise.” 

Andrew blinked twice; he pressed his lips against Neil’s once more before he fell back into his body and immediately fell into darkness.

*

#### London - June 22

Neil couldn’t breathe. He was shaking after he lost connection with Andrew. He kept shaking as Matt dragged him into the back of Allison’s car. He kept shaking as they rushed all the way back to the apartment. 

He didn’t stop and wait for the others when they arrived. He ran into the building and skipped the elevator, taking the stairs two at a time. When he got to Allison’s apartment he saw that the door was already ajar, he pushed it open and sucked in a breath. 

The place had been ransacked. There was a trail of blood across the front hallway leading to the living room. Neil’s body shook as he walked down the hall, slow tentative steps as if the assailant could pop out at any moment and stab him. 

Neil stepped into the living room and went completely still. 

Abby was laying on the floor in a pool of blood, her face pale, a mess of blood was covering the back of her head. Neil couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He looked around the room for any sign of Andrew, for any sign of anyone. There was nothing. 

“Holy _fuck_ ,” Seth’s voice came from behind him. Neil didn’t know when they had followed him in. He didn’t know how long he had been standing there. Matt’s hands fell on his shoulders and pushed him around the mess of blood and into the living room. Neil let himself be guided. 

Everything was numb. 

“Breathe,” Matt said, he pushed Neil down onto the couch and forced his head down in between his legs. “You’re going to pass out if you don’t breathe.” 

Neil sucked in several uneven breaths. His lungs felt like they were on fire. He hadn’t been fast enough. He had connected with Andrew right as Riko’s men had grabbed him. There was absolutely no way they could get out of it. Andrew was injured, the men were stronger and had already had a hold on him. Neil had felt helpless. He still felt helpless. 

_Everything I come into contact with goes to shit._

_Everything I touch ends up dead._

Neil counted to ten in every language he knew. He sucked in as many breaths as he could manage. He gripped Matt’s wrists as tightly as he could to ground himself. 

He spared a glance in Abby’s direction. Renee was knelt beside her, examining her head. Allison was hovering above them, one hand over her face and the other wrapped around her phone that was pressed against her ear. She must be calling an ambulance, or Wymack, Neil didn’t know. 

He felt Dan’s calming energy take over. He turned to see Dan curling around his left side. He leaned into her and let the familiar sense of comfort soothe him. 

“It’s okay,” She whispered, “Abby’s going to be okay.” 

He didn’t believe her.

“ _Fuck_.” He pushed Matt’s hands away and stood up, “Fuck!” 

Seth was at his side immediately. “Fucking calm down,” Seth said, “There wasn’t anything we could have done.” 

“Really?” Neil fumed, “Andrew is fucking gone and Abby looks like her head was bashed in! We fucking killed them.” 

“We don’t know if Andrew is dead,” Matt reassured, “We have no idea what happened.” 

“Riko took him,” Neil said, “It was Riko. Riko fucking Moriyama. It was a fucking set up. They knew that we would be at the event. _They fucking knew_.” 

“That’s why they spiked the drinks with inhibitors,” Matt said, awed, “They couldn’t have known. They have no idea who is in our cluster.” 

“It was a lucky fucking guess,” Neil said, “They have to know about Allison and Seth. They _have_ to fucking know.” 

“Jesus,” Seth said under his breath, “They fucking got us.” 

“Oh my god, Abby!” Allison yelled from across the room. They all turned in time to see Abby sitting up with Renee’s help. Her eyes were open but she looked disoriented, confused. 

“God,” Abby croaked out, “That hurts.” 

“Don’t move too much” Renee said, “We need to get you to an ER.” 

“No,” Abby said, brushing Renee off, “They knocked me out. They wanted me to live. Head wounds bleed a lot. It’s not that bad. I might have a mild concussion.” 

The entire cluster shared a breath of relief. 

“What happened?” Allison asked, her hands were shaking. Seth walked over and wrapped a protective arm around her shoulder. “What happened to Andrew?” 

“Riko,” Abby explained, “He came in with two huge men. Andrew was visiting you. They knocked me out and I don’t remember the rest.” 

“I saw it,” Neil added darkly, “I visited right when they grabbed him.” 

“Fuck,” Matt said, running a hand over his clipped hair, “We really fucked up.” 

“We need to get out of London,” Allison said immediately, “We need to get our shit and go. It isn’t safe here. They could come back.” 

“Where are we going to go, Allison?” Neil bit out, he felt like he was unraveling from his Father’s rage. “We can’t get on a plane tonight! We can’t leave London without Andrew!” 

“I don’t know,” Allison shot back, “But we can't stay _here_.”

“I don’t think they’re going to come back,” Matt offered, “They got what they came for.” 

The room went silent all at once. Neil felt the immediate loss of Andrew. They all must have felt it too. He would have known what to do. He would have had an idea that would save them. 

“We should stay here for the night,” Neil said, “Abby needs to rest, we need to wait for the inhibitors to wear off, and we need to figure out how we’re going to get Andrew back.”

Matt agreed rather loudly and Seth reluctantly followed his lead.

“I agree with Neil,” Renee said calmly, “I think we need to rest and reconvene in the morning.” 

Allison was frowning but she nodded. “I need to call Wymack back,” She said. Neil watched her turn on her heel and disappear down the hall.

Renee helped Abby stand, she was shaky on her legs but settled rather easily. 

“Let’s clean you up,” Renee offered. Abby nodded. Seth helped Renee walk her down the hallway towards the bathroom. Neil watched them until they disappeared from view. 

Neil couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering over the bloody mess in the living room. He closed his eyes and took in a slow, steadying breath. 

He could still feel the ghost of Andrew’s lips against his own. He could still see the frantic look in his eyes. 

_“Promise.”_

_“I promise.”_

Neil felt his eyes watering before he could stop himself. He brought his hands to his eyes and pushed to stop them from spilling. 

“Hey,” Matt said softly, he came up to Neil’s left and pressed a warm hand against his back, “We’re going to find him. It’s going to be okay.” 

Neil wanted to say that it wouldn’t. That Andrew was gone and there was nothing any of them could have done to stop it. They had failed them. Andrew spent so much time looking after them- watching their backs. No one had been watching his. 

Neil felt the weight of it settle around him. 

They lost him. He lost him. 

“I just-“ Neil started, sucking in a breath, never moving his hands from his eyes, “He was so worried. But not for himself. He was worried about us. He was worried about-“ 

_Me._

Matt stepped around Neil and pulled him into a warm hug. Neil pressed his fast into Matt’s chest until he could feel his heartbeat against the back of his hands. 

Comfort was so unfamiliar but so grounding. Neil sucked in as much as Matt was willing to give him and then some. 

Dan was a sudden warm presence against his back. She wrapped her arms around them both and held them together. 

He let himself sink into their warmth. He let himself _feel it._

 _Andrew_ , he whispered in his head, like a prayer, _I promise._

Neil was going to burn BPO to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow burn? Idk her. 
> 
> The alternate title for this chapter is just Andrew is horny on main. 
> 
> I promised myself I would go slow with this story but I just - I don’t know that ain’t me I guess. 
> 
> So now the action starts. Sorry for the cliffhanger- it is what it is so to speak. 
> 
> I have 19 chapters planned for this story plus some one shots featuring the past 10 years of the cluster’s life before they found Neil.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has been reading! This was very self indulgent and I’m glad that someone somewhere is able to enjoy it.  
> I also apologize for any mistakes that I may have missed during editing. I'm a one person army. 
> 
> Next chapter will include some Jean discussions, Renee and Neil bonding, plotting, and general angst. 
> 
> As always you can find me on [tumblr.](http://stjosten.tumblr.com)


	5. Fear Never Fixed Anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: graphic depictions of torture, blood, violence, implied/referenced animal abuse, implied referenced child abuse

#### London, England - June 23

Neil woke up sore and miserable. He hadn’t slept well the night before, too many thoughts of _what if_ kept creeping their way into his subconscious. Thoughts of Andrew being held somewhere without his cluster to save him - it was too much. It was awakening Neil’s beast of anxiety inside his stomach. He felt nauseous, weak, out of control. 

Neil got ready as quickly as he could, rifling through his duffel bag and trying not to think about how warm Andrew’s hand had been on the back of his neck just a few days prior.

_“I told you to stay. Stop acting like such a rabbit.”_

Neil pushed the thought away.

He didn’t bother greeting anyone with a good morning. It seemed like the cluster was well aware of his bad mood and they were all sporting their own. 

Allison and Renee were huddled against the kitchen counter, matching mugs in each hand, whispering to each other in hushed voices. Seth was laid out on the couch with his feet in Matt’s lap, he kept turning his phone over and over in his hand without ever looking at it. Matt was staring into the middle distance, completely oblivious to everything around him. Abby was on the other couch, she was pressing a cold pack to the back of her head still looking out of sorts but better than last night. 

“You’re awake,” Seth commented, looking over to where Neil was standing. Matt came back to the present when Seth spoke. He turned his head and looked at Neil with wide eyes. 

“Hey,” he said gently, “You okay?” 

Neil wasn’t okay.

“I’m fine,” he said roughly, “What’s the plan?” 

“We don’t have one yet,” Matt said, “We were waiting for you to wake up.” 

Neil sighed. He went into the kitchen to grab himself a cup of coffee. Renee gave him a soft smile. She must have known what he wanted because she unwound herself from Allison and went straight to the cabinet and pulled out a mug for him. 

He watched Renee move around the kitchen until he caught eyes with Allison. She looked much smaller than he had ever seen her. Her eyes were red-rimmed and she was holding herself tensely when she was normally loose limbed and overconfident. Neil wasn’t any good at giving comfort, that’s what Dan and Renee were for, but right now he wanted to reach out and soothe the broken look from Allison’s face. 

She was feeling as guilty as he was about the entire situation. He would rather shoulder that burden alone. 

“Here,” Renee said gently, she held out a mug for Neil to take, full to the brim with coffee. “Black, right?”

Neil nodded and took the mug from her, he let the warmth soak straight into his skin. 

“I think now is a good time to talk about what we’re going to do,” Matt said, walking into the kitchen from the living room, Abby and Seth close behind him. “We can’t stay in London.” 

Neil blinked and Dan was standing in the kitchen with them, looking as wary as they all felt. He wanted to ask about Kevin but didn’t get the chance. Allison’s phone started vibrating against the marble countertop, causing Neil to nearly jump right out of his skin. She gave the phone a once over before picking it up and putting it on speaker. 

“Hey,” She said, placing the phone in the center of the island, “Where’s Wymack?” 

“He’ll be there in a second,” Kevin’s voice said through the phone, “He said he doesn’t want to deal with us until he’s had a cup of coffee.” 

Allison let out a breath of a laugh and the tightness in Neil’s chest loosened just a little bit. 

“Well tell him he doesn’t have a choice,” Allison said, “We need to figure this out now.” 

“I know,” Wymack said suddenly. Neil turned to see that he had decided to join them. Wymack looked around the room at all of them until his eyes fell on Neil. He gave Neil one short nod before turning away. 

“I shouldn’t have let you guys do this,” He said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t stop this from happening.” 

“It isn’t your fault, Coach,” Seth said calmly, “There was no way to know that this would happen.” 

Wymack nodded. “Still doesn’t make me feel better, but I appreciate the effort, Seth.” 

“We need to be together right now,” Renee said, “We should head back to South Carolina.” 

“No,” Neil cut in, “We can’t leave Europe until we find Andrew.” 

“They might have taken him to New York,” Renee offered, “We can’t guarantee that he’s still in Europe.” 

“It would be too risky to take him overseas,” Neil said, “They wouldn’t have cut us off in London if they didn’t have a place to take him nearby.” 

“Even so,” Wymack said, “Renee is right. We need to regroup.” 

“Then come here,” Neil said, “Bring Kevin and Dan here.” 

Wymack went quiet as he thought about this. He rubbed the stubble on his jaw several times as he considered his options. 

“We still need to get out of London,” Matt added, “We’re basically asking Riko to walk in and take us as well.” 

“We can find a safe house somewhere else,” Renee said, “Maybe outside of England.” 

“How do you think we can make that happen so quickly?” Dan asked, “We don’t have infinite resources here.” 

Neil sighed into his mug. He was used to running, running was easy. If he was alone he would have shed Neil Josten, packed a bag, cashed out some of the money from his mother, and fled to a different country far away. But he wasn’t that person anymore. He had a family of sorts, he had a group of people that cared about him. He wasn’t alone, and he couldn’t run from this. 

The knowledge he had collected over the years did help in this sort of situation, he realized that he could probably come up with a solution if he tried hard enough. 

“What if-” 

“Jean?” 

Everyone turned to look at Renee. She was staring at a spot in the kitchen that was decidedly empty to the naked eye. Neil had never witnessed a visit that he couldn’t see before. He suddenly realized how Kevin must feel most of the time, being cut off from the others. 

“Did you just say Jean?” Kevin asked through the phone, “What does he have to do with this?” 

“Well he’s paying us a very unwelcome visit,” Allison said, glaring at the same spot as Renee, “To what do we owe the displeasure, Cannibal?” 

Neil had no idea what that meant, but he saw the way that Seth physically flinched at the term. Renee didn’t seem to like it either, her jaw clenched tightly as if she was biting her tongue. 

“Why should we trust you?” Allison said, replying to whatever Jean had said to her, “You work for BPO. Why would we listen to anything you have to say? You could have hand fed your entire cluster right to them and we wouldn’t know any better.” 

“Allison,” Renee warned darkly, “He’s never lied to us before.” 

“He knew this would happen,” Allison argued, “He had to have known.” 

Neil watched them bicker back and forth for a while. He knew when Jean was talking because Allison would go stark still and her fists would clench and unclench as if she wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face. 

Neil could understand the sentiment. 

“No,” Allison said fiercely, “Absolutely not.” 

“We should run it by everyone first,” Renee said, “We can’t just say no without telling them.” 

“What is it?” Matt asked, “God, I hate when you get visitors we can’t all see. It’s fucking annoying.” 

“Well, Jean Val Jean here,” Allison said, raising her hand to point to the very empty spot in front of her, “Is offering to let us use his safe house in France. I think it’s a _terrible_ idea.” 

Seth was the first one to react. “Fuck no! Andrew called him a cannibal at the event last night. We can’t trust someone like him.” 

Neil really didn’t understand what they were talking about anymore. He didn’t think Jean, the kid that never joined them in the playroom when they were kids, and when he did he would sit alone in the corner and sulk, could be anything close to a cannibal. He opened his mouth to ask but Renee spoke before he could say anything.

“He didn’t kill his cluster,” Renee said, “They’re all alive and well. He keeps them a secret from BPO. He tells them that their cluster hasn’t been born yet.” 

“And we believe him, why?” Seth asked, “He could be setting us up.” 

“He didn’t know that Riko was in London,” Renee said quickly, “BPO is keeping things from him too. We can trust him.” 

“Jean has never given us a reason to distrust him,” Wymack added, “Kevin, what do you think?” 

Kevin was silent for a moment, save for his heavy breathing through the speaker phone. They all waited impatiently for him to speak. 

“Jean isn’t a bad person,” Kevin finally said, “He really didn’t have a choice when it came to working for BPO. His parents sold him to the Moriyamas. It was do what they said or die rebelling against them. They would kill him for reaching out to us like this. I think we can take a chance on him.” 

Allison threw her hands in the air in exasperation. “You can’t be serious! After what happened to Andrew! We’re just going to _trust_ him.” 

“He really didn’t know?” Seth asked, clearly unsure where he stood now, “He’s a BPO dog, tell him to give us one reason why we should trust him.”

Everyone went silent. Allison and Renee looked to the empty spot in the kitchen expectantly. They both reacted at the same time, Allison’s mouth fell open in shock and Renee’s eyes went wide. 

“You’re serious?” Allison asked, “You’re actually just going to tell us that?” 

“He trusts us,” Renee said, “He trusts us enough to tell us. I think that’s reason enough to trust him.” 

“Explain,” Dan said with heat, “Keep us in the loop.” 

“He told us where to find his cluster,” Allison said, “Like insurance.” 

“So he really is just going to sell his cluster out?” Seth asked, his face contorted with anger, “What does he think we’re going to do? Go take them hostage?” 

“He thinks we’re going to do nothing,” Renee said calmly, “He trusts us not to hurt them. It’s a gesture of good will.” 

Neil worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he watched the interaction. Allison was fuming, he could practically see the smoke coming out of her ears, Renee looked unsettlingly calm in the face of this. He wondered what kind of relationship Renee had with Jean, Neil didn’t know they were connected, he had never heard her utter his name before. 

“We should do it,” Neil said finally, “It’s our best bet.” 

“Not you too!” Allison yelled, “Traitor!” 

“I knew Jean,” Neil decided to say, “Before my mom took me from New York. I remember him. I think we can trust him. For now. One sign of anything fucked up and we retaliate. Okay?” 

Allison looked away but didn’t disagree. Renee nodded agreeably at him. 

“It’s in France,” Renee said, “The safe house. We can get there in less than a day.” 

“Then you go,” Wymack said, “You get to the safe house and we can meet you there. Allison, can you get us a ride?” 

“Fine,” Allison replied, her voice bitter and strained, “But don’t fucking say I didn’t warn you. Fuck off, Jean.” 

She stormed out of the room, leaving her phone behind, and didn’t look back. Renee let out a soft sigh. 

“Sorry, Jean,” Renee said, “Thank you for coming to us. We appreciate it. Tell me where it is exactly and how to get there.” 

Neil didn’t bother watching the exchange. He sighed, placed his coffee on the counter before quickly picking up Allison's phone. 

“Hey, Kev?” Neil said, holding the phone too close to his face.

“What?”

“Bye.” Neil hung up the phone and turned to leave the kitchen. He looked over his shoulder and said, “I’m going to talk to Allison and start packing. We should be out of here in an hour.” 

He didn’t wait for their reply. He walked down the hall and went straight to Allison’s room. He knocked on the door before pushing it open. Allison was sitting on the edge of her bed, her head in her hands. 

“Hey,” Neil said as gently as he could manage. He walked into the room and held the phone out to her as an offering. 

Allison looked up and took it from him. Her eyes were red rimmed, as if she was trying to keep herself from crying. 

“Thanks, baby,” Allison muttered. She ran her hands over her face several times and let out a long anguished sigh. 

“We let him down,” She said softly, “We really fucking let Andrew down. He’s always looking out for us and when push came to shove we abandoned him.” 

“He wouldn’t think about it that way,” Neil replied, attempting to soothe the aching look on her face, “Andrew isn’t like that.”

“We’ve had ten years with him,” Allison said, “But sometimes I don’t think I know him at all. You know him better than the rest of us.”

Neil shrugged. He could understand Andrew, it was easy. He gave, and gave, and gave and never took anything that wasn’t offered to him. Neil was willing to bet that he would let Riko cut him open if it meant keeping their cluster safe. The thought didn’t bring any comfort.

Neil wasn’t afraid of what Riko would do to Andrew. He was afraid of what Andrew would do to himself. 

“We’ll find him,” Neil said with resolve, “We have to.” 

Allison nodded but she didn’t look like she believed him. 

*

#### Undisclosed Location - June 23

Nothing felt real. 

Andrew woke up slowly, agonizingly slow, his limbs felt like lead, his head was swarming with bees. He tried to open his eyes, but a bright white light over his head caused him to flinch away. 

There were noises coming from either side of him, vague soundings of people whispering, machines beeping. Andrew swallowed the thick lump in his throat and tried to open his eyes again. 

Fire, all he could feel was fire. 

His eyes burned as he opened them, but he didn’t let himself flinch away. He needed to know where he was, he needed to know what had happened. 

_Riko. Right, Riko had happened._

Andrew could still see the distressed look on Neil’s face. He could still remember the pain in his stomach when he tried to fight back. 

He tried to take in his surroundings. The room was stark white, there were bright lights over his head pointing at him, there was something restraining his arms to the bed he was laying in. He made an attempt to pull his arm free, but the thick handcuffs around his wrists stopped him. 

He was going to die. 

This wasn’t how he imagined it, really, he didn’t think that he would end up dying by BPOs hands. It was supposed to be a job gone wrong, or maybe something more mundane like a car accident or an illness he couldn’t shake.

Death was inevitable, he didn’t fear death.

But this? Andrew realized that this was much worse for one very simple reason. 

His cluster. 

BPO was going to pick him apart and cut him open until every secret that he kept close to his heart was exposed for them to look at. This wasn’t just his inevitable death staring him in the face, this was the death of his cluster. 

His eyes wandered across the room, taking in as much information as he could manage. He was hooked up to several machines, his arms were covered in wires, and he could feel that there was something sticky and cold stuck against several parts of his skull.

There was no way he was going to get out of this easily. He couldn’t control his limbs, whatever sedative they had given him was still working its way through his system. He didn’t know how long it would take to completely wash away, but he had a feeling that they were pumping him full of muscle relaxants.

He had to be smart about this. They were going to try and get as much information out of him as they could manage. Andrew couldn’t give them anything. He couldn’t risk handing his cluster over to BPO.

“Oh, you’re awake.” 

That voice, that _smug fucking voice._

Andrew let his eyes wander over to Riko, he was standing at the foot of his bed, his hands clasped behind his back. Riko was looking at him with a venomous smile across his face. Andrew wanted to rip out his restraints and tear his face apart. 

Andrew couldn’t have answered if he had wanted to. His throat felt dry and scratchy and he was sure that the connection between his brain and mouth had short circuited. 

_Fuck._

“Oh?” Riko asked, he stepped around the bed and leaned over Andrew, his face inches away, “Nothing clever to say?” 

Andrew wanted to spit in his face but he couldn’t. His body was barely responding to him. It was taking all of his effort just to stay awake.

“I have to tell you,” Riko said, leaning away, “You are one tough person to find. It’s a good thing you stand out so much in public, what with your short stature and your pension for only wearing black.” 

Andrew tried to give him a dangerous glare, but his face wasn’t working properly. He could only stare stone faced in Riko’s direction.

 _Don’t let him win._

Riko stepped away and pulled over a small medical tray. There was a syringe sitting in the center and beside it were two paddles. 

“This is what’s going to happen,” Riko said, lifting the syringe and holding it in the direction of Andrew’s arm. Andrew tried to pull away, his restraints stopped him. He let out a groan. “We’re going to just take a little peek inside that head of yours. Be sure to give us what we ask for, okay? It won’t end well for you or your cluster if you don’t.” 

“ _Fuck you_ ,” Andrew bit out. Riko laughed at him. 

“Oh, I’m going to enjoy breaking you. What was it that you told me in Berlin? That _I didn’t know how_? Let me prove you wrong,” He turned and looked toward the other side of the room, “Let him in.” 

The door opened. Andrew refused to look at the man’s face. He didn’t have to see it to know who was looking back at him. He caught sight of fiery auburn hair and wide shoulders. He forced himself to look away. 

“Now,” Riko said, the door closed somewhere near him, Andrew forced himself to close his eyes, “You’re going to let Nathan take a quick look inside that head. And you - well, you’re going to tell me the first thing that comes to mind.” 

He didn’t look. Not as Nathan strapped a helmet onto his head. Not as Riko held the syringe and pushed it into his arm, not as he lifted up the paddles and held them over Andrew’s chest. 

“Ready?” Riko asked, “Remember, first thought.” 

He pressed the paddles to his chest. 

The only thing he felt was unavoidable pain. He didn’t know if he was screaming, he didn’t know if he was crying, he couldn’t feel anything other than the electric wave that went straight through him. Andrew tried to force his eyes open, he tried to breathe in through his nose, he tried to push it away. He tried to stay as far from his cluster as he could manage. 

The pain stopped and he choked, something warm and wet came out of his mouth and was slipping through his nose. 

“No,” Riko said mockingly, as if he was scolding a child, “I told you to tell me the first thing that came to mind.” 

The paddles buzzed to life again. He heard them before he could feel them. 

The pain was too much. He couldn’t stop himself, there was only one place he wanted to be right now, one thing that he wanted to see. 

He opened his eyes. 

_Neil._

They were on a train somewhere. Neil was clutching at his chest, the rest of the cluster had similar looks of pain on their face. Neil turned to look at him, wide, terrified eyes. 

He could hear Riko whispering in his head. 

_“That’s it. Show me.”_

Andrew choked again, he felt blood pooling in the back of his throat. 

Neil was staring at him.

_Those eyes._

Andrew was going to get them all killed. He tried to pull away, he tried to force himself back to his body. He couldn’t, he couldn’t control himself. Not as another wave of electricity shocked through him. He felt himself stumbling. The rest of the cluster let out similar noises of pain. 

They felt it. All of them, together, here. 

No one spoke, Neil’s eyes were filled with something deep and fathomless. Andrew wanted to soothe the look of fear away, he wanted to hold him, he wanted, he wanted, he wanted. 

“Well, well, well,” A new voice said. This wasn’t Riko. It wasn’t coming from back in the room, it was _inside him_. Andrew tried to fight the foreign mind away from his own, but he couldn’t.

“Nathaniel,” The voice said, “My greatest disappointment.” 

It took every ounce of Andrew’s will power to pull away. He forced himself back into his body. He opened his eyes to find Riko leaning over him, a smug, knowing smile on his face. 

This time Andrew spit on him. The blood that sprayed across Riko’s face was satisfying enough. 

“You fucking heathen,” Riko said, he lifted his hand and slapped Andrew across the face. He opened his mouth to say something else but was immediately cut off.

“We got what we needed,” the second voice said, Andrew could faintly make out the familiar drawl as the voice that had invaded his head just moments before.

 _Nathan_ , Andrew reminded himself, _That’s Nathan fucking Wesninski_.

Riko pulled away and wiped the blood from his face with the back of his sleeve. He was seething anger, his expression filled with nothing but cold-blooded hate. Andrew could imagine that he wanted to kill Andrew right then and there.

“We will do this again,” Nathan said from his left, Andrew refused to look at him, “Thank you for bringing me straight to my son. I’ve been looking forward to a family reunion.” 

Andrew closed his eyes and attempted to hold the nausea at bay. He couldn't; he was going to throw up and combust into flames right there in that bed. 

There was nothing he could have done. He just handed his cluster right to the Moriyamas, right to the _Butcher_. 

_Neil._

He had just killed them. 

Andrew fell straight into darkness. 

*

#### Paris, France - June 24

Neil still felt the lingering electricity under his skin the entire ride to France. There was no way to explain what had happened. One second they were riding the train in relative ease and silence, the next Neil, Allison, Renee, Matt, and Seth were all collapsing to the ground, clutching at their chests. 

Andrew had appeared suddenly. He was covered in blood and dressed in hospital scrubs. Neil could still see him when he closed his eyes. He felt sick. 

Neil could still feel the electricity even a day later he could still feel it. 

No one spoke about what happened. Neil wasn’t sure if he was grateful for the companionable silence or if he was starting to fear what the others were thinking. 

They were torturing Andrew. Torturing _all of them_. And Neil couldn’t do anything to stop it. 

Helpless wasn’t a big enough word for what he felt. He felt like he did when his father would force his head into a tub of ice water when he was younger. 

Breathless, weak, terrified. Gasping for any air, for help. 

Neil kept himself scarce from the cluster. He could feel them tapping into his connection without ever crossing the line. A silent _we’re here. We’re in this together_. That Neil knew he needed but hated anyway. 

It wasn’t the same when they were missing Andrew. It felt like it did the first month without his mother. 

He was missing another limb. Now he could barely walk. 

Dan, Wymack, and Kevin were on a plane halfway to France by now. The cluster had given them the address to Jean’s safe house, a large bustling thing in the center of a nondescript neighborhood, complete with its own stone wall and a locked gate. Once they arrived they agreed not to leave the house unless absolutely necessary. It was too risky. Wymack, Dan, and Kevin would have to find their way to them. 

Neil was sitting in his room pretending, and failing to pretend, that nothing was wrong. 

The beast of anxiety in his stomach was uncharacteristically quiet. He didn’t think he could fight his way out of this and he had stopped running the moment he met Andrew. 

His body was playing dead. 

He felt numb to the core, a numbness that wouldn’t ebb. 

Neil needed to find his fight again. He needed to find a will to try. 

He stood up from the edge of his bed and shook out his arms. He couldn’t go for a run, not when they had agreed to stay inside the safe house, but he could run the stairs up and down until he felt more settled. 

What he really wanted, what he really needed was to find Andrew. 

There was a lingering feeling of him in their connection, Neil could still feel the tug of Andrew in the back of his mind. He closed his eyes and let himself feel it, tugging, pulling, clinging to the tight rope that held them together. 

When he opened his eyes he was no longer in France. 

The room was stark white and full of blindingly bright lights. He looked around and tried to make out anything substantial about the space, then his eyes caught on the bloodied form strapped to a bed. 

“Andrew?” Neil choked out, he moved across the room as quickly as he could, nearly falling right into the bed with him. “Are you okay? What are they doing to you?” 

Andrew’s eyes were darkened beyond recognition. He looked as if he couldn’t really see Neil, as if he was looking into the void and seeing nothing but darkness.

“Drew?” He whispered, he took Andrew’s face into his hands, “ _Jesus_. What have they done to you?” 

“ _Neil_.” It came out hoarse and rough and sounded like Andrew’s usual timber. Neil’s breath caught. 

“Yeah,” He said, his voice so low that he feared Andrew wouldn’t hear him, “Yeah it’s me.” 

“No-not here,” Andrew tried to say but it sounded so hoarse that Neil struggled to make it out. 

“Okay,” Neil whispered, “Okay. Follow my voice, okay?” 

He started tugging, knowing that Andrew wouldn’t be able to get out of the bed. He was tugging on the red rope that bound them together, he pulled as hard as he could, his eyes never leaving Andrew’s.

“Follow my voice,” He said again, desperately, “Come.” 

He took a step back and suddenly he had Andrew falling into his arms. Neil wrapped his arms around Andrew’s shaking form, pressing his head into the junction of Neil’s shoulder and neck. 

“I’ve got you,” Neil whispered, his face pressed against the side of Andrew’s head, “I have you.” 

They were in Neil’s room in France. Neil let out a shaky sigh of relief and squeezed Andrew a bit tighter. They didn’t have long, there was no way that the Moriyama’s would let Andrew get away with something like this. The moment they noticed he was visiting they would jump on him like a pack of hyenas. 

“Are you okay?” Neil asked, burying his nose into the mess of blonde hair behind Andrew’s ear.

“No,” Andrew croaked, “They’re watching me. Constantly. W-we can’t talk there.” 

Neil nodded. “Okay,” He said softly, “Okay. You’re here now. You’re here. Tell me what happened?” 

Andrew pushed his face further into Neil’s shoulder. One of his arms looped around Neil’s waist and tugged so tightly that they were one step away from being one whole being.

“They used Kayleigh’s machine,” Andrew said, “The one that let’s sensates take over another sensate without being in the same cluster. Y-your father, fuck, Neil, I’m so sorry.” He choked on the last of his words and let out a shaky breath. 

“What happened with my father?” Neil asked, he was definitely shaking now, his hand gripped the back of Andrew’s skull far too tightly. Andrew didn’t flinch.

“He used it on me,” Andrew slurred, “That’s what the shocks were. They were using it to get into my head.” 

“Then,” Neil started, “On the train.” 

“He saw you,” Andrew finished for him, “I couldn’t stop it.” 

Neil pulled back so he could look directly at Andrew. The usual hazel and gold had been lost but there was a light back in his eyes, the darkness was receding. 

Neil shook his head and hoped that Andrew would understand and believe him. “It’s okay.” 

“It’s not,” Andrew retaliated, “It’s not fucking okay.” 

“It would have happened eventually,” Neil said, “They would have found me eventually.” 

“They’ll kill you. _He’ll_ kill you. The others, they’ll kill them as well. We can’t hide now. I’ve killed you all. If they do that again-” He sucked in a breath, “Who knows what they’ll find next time.” 

Neil moved his hands to take a hold of Andrew’s face. He ran his thumbs over the harsh circles under his eyes. He tried to look hopeful, he tried to look apologetic, all he felt was anger. 

“We’ll be okay,” Neil said reverently, “We’re going to get you out of there and we’re going to be okay. We will find you.” 

“Don’t,” Andrew said, “It’s too much risk. I should just- I should just kill myself before they-” 

“Don’t you dare say that,” Neil said, he shook Andrew’s head slightly to accentuate his words, “You made me promise. You have to keep that same promise. Don’t you dare leave me.” 

Andrew leaned forward until their foreheads were pressed together. Neil felt their connection flare to life between them. He felt the push and pull, he felt Andrew pouring his feelings into Neil’s chest. 

_I promise. I promise. I promise._

“Okay,” Andrew whispered, so softly.

“Okay,” Neil echoed. He pulled back so he could look Andrew in the eye. 

“Don’t die on me,” Neil said, “We are going to find you so don’t you fucking dare give up.” 

Andrew nodded. Neil wanted to believe him, but he couldn’t tell from the dull look in Andrew’s eyes or the blank expression on his face. But Neil wanted to believe. He wanted to believe that Andrew wouldn’t lie to him. 

“You told me to stay,” Neil said softly, “What did you think I was staying for, you idiot?” 

Andrew let out the smallest snort of a laugh. Neil felt his lips pulling into a small smile. 

“Just try,” Neil reiterated, “Just try and stay alive. For the cluster. For yourself. For _me_.” 

Andrew nodded. 

They leaned forward as one. Neil let his lips brush as gently as possible against Andrew’s. He let himself feel it. He let their connection flare to life, he let himself cling to the warmth, he let himself fall right in. 

Andrew put more pressure against him, his hands reaching out and gripping Neil’s shirt to pull him closer, impossibly closer. 

Neil let out a breath and Andrew deepened the kiss. They drowned in it. They let themselves feel it for once, let the other comfort each other as much as they could. 

They pulled back far too soon but Neil didn’t protest. He pressed his forehead back against Andrew’s and let out a deep breath. 

“I’m going to find you,” He whispered between them. Andrew swallowed his words and kissed him once more, harder than the first. Neil sighed into it and melted into Andrew’s chest. 

“I know,” Andrew said against Neil’s lips, “Don’t fucking die for me.” 

“You would die for us,” Neil said, “Let me be the one that would die for you.” 

Andrew pulled back and gave him an impressive glare, but Neil only smiled at him. 

“I hate you,” Andrew said. 

Neil smiled wider. “Liar.” 

Andrew let out a low groan, he pulled away immediately, his hands going to his head. 

“What is it?” Neil asked, frantic, he reached out to touch Andrew but he stepped away again.

“I’m being pulled back,” Andrew said through his teeth, “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t,” Neil said, “Don’t say it like it’s goodbye. We’ll find you. I promise.”

Andrew gave him an impossible to decipher look. Neil sucked in a breath, blinked, and Andrew was gone.

*

Neil pulled himself back together after Andrew broke their connection and went down to the first floor of the safehouse to find Renee. 

He couldn’t think of anyone else to go to. No one knew Andrew like Renee did, and no one would understand the way he was feeling like Renee would. 

He hadn’t spent much time with her since he came to stay with their cluster. He still felt the same feeling of unease whenever they were alone in a room together. There was something about Renee that felt off to him, he just hadn’t figured out what it was yet. 

Renee was in the common room sitting by the opened window. Her bright blonde hair was pulled back into a yellow scrunchie and she was absentmindedly twirling the loose hairs around her finger. Sometimes Neil thought she looked otherworldly. There was always a strange glow around her, he couldn’t figure out if it was just the way she carried herself or if it was the pale white of her hair that caught too much sunlight when she was standing outside. 

Neil hesitated for a moment at the door. Renee was busy reading and he didn’t want to immediately interrupt her. It didn’t matter, because after just a few seconds she turned her head and looked right at him. 

Her face scrunched up in concern, her nose wrinkling, before she said, “Are you okay?” 

Neil’s immediate response would normally be “I’m fine” but something about seeing Andrew covered in blood, strapped to a hospital bed, in pain, had unravelled him. 

“No,” He said, sounding far too choked up for his liking, “I’m not okay.” 

Renee dropped the book and stood from her spot by the window. She raised her hand in offering. Neil didn’t bother ignoring the pull of their connection, he went straight to her, hand raised.

Renee’s touch was always calming. There was still the underlined tingle of electricity that came from touching a member of the cluster, but it was often overshadowed by a breath of relief whenever Renee touched his skin. 

He sighed and closed his eyes, relishing in the warmth for a second, then two, then three. He let out a shaky breath and opened his eyes again. There was something wet and prickly behind his eyelids, he willed it away. 

“I visited Andrew,” Neil revealed softly, “It isn’t good.” 

Renee gave him an apologetic look. Her hand wound further around his own, letting their fingers catch and meld together. Neil let out another shaky breath. 

“What happened?” 

He told her all of the details, leaving out the fact that they had kissed unexpectedly for a second time. He mentioned Nathan, he mentioned Riko, he mentioned the headset that Kayleigh Day had created. Renee’s face grew darker with each word. 

“We’ll find him,” She said resolutely, “We don’t have a choice.” 

“What if we don’t get to him in time?” Neil asked, “What if my father finds us before we can find Andrew?” 

Renee shook her head. “We don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s dangerous to play what if. All we can do is think about right now and move in the right direction. Dan will look over the hard drive as soon as she gets here and we will see what she uncovers,” Renee said calmly, “Until then we need to wait and rest. We can’t help Andrew if we are dead on our feet. You can’t help Andrew if you don’t take care of yourself.” 

“Andrew wouldn’t rest if it was one of us that had been taken,” Neil replied, “He wouldn’t stop.” 

Renee gave him a sympathetic smile, her eyes lightening at his words. 

“Come sit,” She said, tugging Neil by their joined hands and walking back toward the window seat. She sat him down, released his hand, and sat back down across from him, one leg bent under the other. 

“Can I tell you a story?” Renee asked, leaning back against the wall behind her. Neil nodded and watched her expectantly. “I was born in South Korea. Right outside of Seoul, in a small poor town. My mother was a prostitute, she did her best but we always struggled. I lived with her until I was about 6 years old, just sort of drifting across the city.

“I first realized that I was a sensate in the middle of the summer when I was 6. I was in the city stealing food when I locked eyes with a child a little older than me. She kept showing up for the next few days that followed. I saw her everywhere, in the street, outside my house, I knew something was weird when I saw her inside my room,” Renee paused and took in a deep breath, “She told me what I was and said that I was destined for something better. She coerced me to join her at BPO.” 

Neil’s eyes widened. He watched her for a moment, taking it in before he said, “You worked for BPO?” 

Renee nodded before she continued. “It wasn’t really something I understood. I was really young, too young to understand. But, I did it anyway. I didn’t have a real home, my mother resented me and I didn’t know who my father was. I’m sure you could imagine that living on the streets alone isn’t easy. Especially not in a crowded place like Seoul.” 

She sighed and readjusted herself, letting her head fall back against the wall. Neil stayed quiet as he listened. 

“They manipulated me. Made me think that I could live a normal life if I worked for them,” She sighed again before continuing, “I believed them, obviously. I worked for them for nine years. They- they made me do awful things.”

Neil was very familiar with being forced to do awful things. He remembered the first time his father made him cut apart one of the neighborhood cats. Neil had cried the entire time, he could still feel the spot on his chest where his father had carved his disappointment. Neil pushed the thought away. 

“Like what?” He asked without any inflection, he hated when people gave him too much sympathy, so he tried to stay neutral. Renee gave him a small smile in return as if she noticed his effort. 

“They had me hunting sensates in Seoul, just like the girl had done to me. I would lock eyes with anyone that would look and then I would try and visit them. If it worked I would know that they were like me. I would bring them to BPO and-” She paused and took in a deep breath, “If they didn’t agree to work with BPO there were only two options. They lobotomized them to use for experiments, or they killed them. They often… they often had me do the killing.” 

Neil let it sink in. He had known that there was something dangerous and unsettling about Renee. It occurred to him that it was the same thing that made Seth and Matt wary around Neil. A quietly dangerous thing that the two of them shared. Violence, one taught and one inherited. Neil felt a silent camaraderie form between them before he could even realize it. 

“How did you get out?” Neil asked. Renee smiled finally, warm and fluid. 

“Andrew.” 

Ah, Neil understood now. She wasn’t telling him this to bond with him, although he thought that might be a plus, it was to show him what he already knew. Andrew was the one that saved them. He was the one that had connected them. 

“What did he do?” Neil asked. 

“I met him suddenly. Once we started visiting we couldn’t stop. He had a horrible situation at home and me- well, we shared that. We helped each other,” she said, “We were too young to understand violence like that. But we were too far gone to stop it from happening. I wasn’t strong enough to fight my way out of there. Andrew helped with that. I knew that my BPO handler was into underground fighting. He did it to blow off steam and to take home a lot of money. I knew that I could get in and I knew that if I trained for long enough I could win.” 

“How old were you?” Neil asked.

“Fifteen.”

“And, they let you in?” Neil asked. 

Renee shrugged. “It wasn’t about safety for them. It was about money. It was easy money.” 

“No one bet on the little one, huh?” Neil asked, knowing the answer. 

Renee smirked. “They didn’t see it coming. Sadly, I couldn’t handle it. I came face to face with him and I just- I clammed up. I let him get one too many hits in. I was sure he was going to kill me. That’s when Andrew showed up. He asked if I trusted him. I said yes. That’s when he took over. I watched him break my handler’s leg.” 

“Jesus,” Neil said under his breath, “And you were able to get out of the contract because of it?” 

Renee nodded. “He told me to stay gone. I think he told his boss that I died. I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter either way. If Andrew hadn’t come in at the time. I would be dead.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” Neil asked. But he thought maybe he knew. 

“So you would understand that I would give anything to save Andrew,” She explained, “Not because I owe him, but because he saved my life without even hesitating. He never asked if I was worth saving. He didn’t do it out of the goodness of his heart. He just _did it_.” 

“I think you’re wrong,” Neil said. Renee tilted her head and signaled for him to continue. “He did it out of the goodness of his heart. He might not have realized it at the time, but he cares about the cluster. You’re all his family.” 

“ _We’re_ his family,” Renee corrected, smiling, “You’re included in this now. You don’t get a choice.” 

Neil huffed out a laugh and shook his head. 

_A family._

“If we can just figure out where they took him,” Neil said, “If we _had_ something to go off of, it would just-” 

“I know,” Renee said, “It feels helpless right now but we can do it. We have each other and we have Jean on the inside. He will help us when he can.” 

Neil thought about the conversation in London. He thought about Seth calling Jean a cannibal. 

“Why do you trust him?” Neil asked, “Jean, I mean.” 

“We met a few years ago at a BPO event,” Renee explained, “We just sort of, clicked, we’ve been friends ever since. He gives me information about BPO when he can. He’s a good person. Misunderstood, but good.” 

“Seth said Andrew called him a cannibal,” Neil said, “What does that mean?” 

Renee hummed and ran a hand down the front of her shirt as if she was smoothing it out.

“That’s what we call sensates that killed their own cluster,” Renee said darkly, “A sensate who killed their _entire_ cluster with their own two hands.” 

“Jean didn't, did he?” Neil asked quickly, “He wouldn’t have.” 

“Of course not,” Renee said, “He loves his cluster. He protects them. He isn’t a cannibal. Andrew and Seth, they just sort of assumed he was because he works for BPO. Most people who work for BPO are cannibals.” 

Neil understood the implication. 

“Riko?” He asked, even if he knew the answer. Renee only had to nod at him. He let out a breath. “I’m going to kill him when I get my hands on him.” 

Renee nodded, there was no fear or question in her eyes. She believed him. She knew that he would and she didn’t judge him for it. He thought maybe Renee would kill him too if she could.

“We will,” She said resolutely, “There’s no question.” 

Neil nodded. He let out a slow breath and leaned his head back against the wall. He let his eyes wander out the window. The sun was bright and shining as if nothing had happened. As if the entire world hadn’t stopped the moment Andrew was taken. Neil felt the resentment ring through him like a bell. 

“Thanks for telling me,” Neil finally said, “You didn’t have to.” 

“I wanted to,” Renee explained, “I wouldn’t have if I didn’t.” 

“I know,” Neil replied, “Still- Thanks.” 

Renee gave him a thoughtful look before saying, “You aren’t alone anymore. If you ever want to talk about anything, you can come to one of us. We’re here for you.” 

Neil nodded. He wasn’t sure he was ready to share the rest of his sordid past with anyone other than Andrew, whose reactions were apathetic and detached at best. He thought he might be able to give some of that history to Renee, she would take it without question and she wouldn’t judge him for it. 

“Thanks,” He said again, dumbly. Renee only smiled. 

“Why don’t we get something to eat,” Renee offered, she stood from the seat and offered her hand to Neil. He took it, letting her pull him up. “The others will be here in a few hours. Now is the time to get some peace and quiet before we’re surrounded by madness.” 

Neil let himself give a small huff of a laugh. He followed after Renee through the interior of their safehouse. He tried not to think about the future, not when it was so dangerously hanging over their heads like a live wire.

*

#### Paris- June 25

Neil found himself in the first floor sitting room with Dan in the early hours of the morning the day after they had all arrived in one piece in France. 

Dan had brought her entire set up, except a few monitors, and had gone about the laborious task of putting it all together in the sitting room. Neil was watching her with interest as she put tucked wires into screens and placed equipment he didn’t recognize across the large desk in the center of the room. 

“Don’t touch anything,” Dan warned, seeing how Neil was looking curiously at the set up. He rolled his eyes but complied, sitting a bit further back in one of the large arm chairs. 

“What’s it for anyway?” He asked. 

Dan pointed to various tools on the desk as she said, “This encrypts the server, this is used to map out any insecure hosts, this is for wifi hacking, this is-” 

“Okay, okay,” Neil said, raising his hands in defeat, “I get it now. I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

Dan looked at him over her shoulder, her eyes filled with amusement. “I see the way you stare at any technology someone drops in your lap. It’s funny really.”   
“It’s inconvenient,” Neil said, “I never had the chance to learn about any of that stuff. We never had it on the run. My mom wouldn’t even let me have a phone.” 

Dan gave him a look of sympathy but quickly turned away. She knew he hated that expression, he appreciated her trying to hide it. 

“Well,” She said, “I could teach you a thing or two if you want. Who knows, you could secretly be a technology savant.” 

“Doubt it.” They both turned to see Matt leaning in the doorway, a smirk growing on his face, “Neil held Andrew’s iphone once and just stared at it like it was going to bite him.”

Neil tried not to let the mention of Andrew upset him too much. Matt seemed to realize his mistake and he visibly flinched. He opened his mouth to correct his mistake but Neil didn’t let him. 

“It was one time,” Neil said, “And none of you let me forget it.”

Matt visibly relaxed before laughing and entering the room. He stood behind Neil’s chair and leaned heavily onto the back of it. 

“Almost done?” Matt asked, looking over Dan’s new work space. 

“Almost,” She replied. She turned back and started to get to work again. Neil watched her with confusion but interest and Matt only laughed at the expression on his face before giving his hair a soft ruffle. 

“Your natural color is coming in. You should dye it back,” Matt commented, “We can ask Renee.” 

Neil reached up and tugged on the loose strands of hair that had fallen on his head. It had been almost a month since he last dyed it. He was sure that the fiery auburn roots were starting to poke through. He pointedly ignored looking in the mirror and checking it, as was his habit. 

“Maybe,” Neil said, “I don’t think it’s high on my priority list right now.” 

Matt awkwardly shuffled behind him and hummed in agreement. 

“Okay,” Dan said, stepping back and clapping her hands and admiring her work, “I’m done. You have that hard drive?” 

Neil nodded. He sat up and reached for the hard drive on the side table beside him. He tossed it over to Dan and watched her plug it into the computer. 

“It’s going to take a while,” Dan admitted, “I have to download everything and then sort through it.” 

Neil didn’t reply. He simply leaned back against the chair again and watched her. Dan sat down in front of the computer and went about tapping against the keyboard and wiggling the mouse around. Neil had used computers before, he wasn’t completely useless, but he could never understand the complex nature of Dan’s work. She played the computer like one would play an instrument. It sang under her hands. 

“Have you had breakfast?” Matt asked, leaning heavily on the back of the chair again. 

Neil shook his head. 

“I think we have some fruit,” Matt continued, because it seemed everyone now knew Neil’s go to food, “I can grab something for you both.” 

“I’ll get it,” Neil said. He stood from the chair and went to leave the sitting room when he went completely still.

Standing just a few feet away, dressed in all black, with his hair slicked back was Riko Moriyama. 

Matt immediately noticed Neil’s still form and quickly went to Neil’s side. 

“What is it?” Matt asked but Neil couldn’t answer him. 

Out of everything that had happened the last few weeks, with knowing that his father had seen Neil through Andrew’s eyes, he shouldn’t have been surprised by this. 

He still couldn’t believe it.

“Nathaniel,” Riko said, he tsked several times and walked around the room, looking the space over, “What a pleasant surprise.” 

Neil couldn’t breathe. His lungs were catching fire inside of him. He watched Riko mill around the room as if he could surmise where they were from the rather bland furniture.

“No longer in London, hm?” Riko asked, “Probably a smart decision. It was only a matter of time before we went back to look for you.” 

Neil swallowed the lump in his throat. 

“What the fuck do you want?” Neil asked darkly, “Here to gloat?” 

Riko let out a dangerous laugh, one that was both mocking and victorious. Neil wanted to walk across the room and strangle him.

 _Calm._

Neil could use this to his advantage. The connection went both ways. 

“You know I would have never thought you would be a part of this cluster,” Riko said conversationally, “I knew they were problematic but, this? You? Here? It’s too convenient really. Now we can knock out two birds with one stone, so to speak.” 

Neil felt his blood boiling with his father’s rage. He tried to keep it down, he tried to stay calm, but if there was one thing about Neil- no about _Nathaniel_ , it was that he was never good at keeping his temper in check. 

Neil took in one slow breath. He let his lips curl into his father’s smile. He let it cut his face into two, he let the satisfaction of seeing Riko’s near flinch at the sight fuel him. 

“This is convenient for me as well,” Neil mocked, “You’ve always been so fucking smug and full of yourself. You never think before you do anything, do you? Too busy trying to kiss your dad and brother’s asses to really think about the consequences for your actions. Since you’re family never seemed to teach you any manners, allow me.” 

“ _Matt_ ,” Dan said somewhere behind him, “Get Wymack. _Now_.” 

Neil didn’t pay attention to them. He didn’t wait to see if Matt left the room. He kept his eyes trained in Riko’s wide eyes. 

Neil had never visited someone outside his cluster before. He decided that there was no time like the present. 

He pushed against the connection with Riko until he was standing in an over sized office, floor to ceiling windows, a desk in the center with a blank faced Japanese man sitting there. Neil immediately recognized him. 

“Wow,” Neil said, walking around the room, looking over the space. He spared Riko one glance, satisfied to see that his pure terror had only grown. “Would you look at this?” 

Neil stopped beside the older man and leaned forward over his desk. He read the nameplate several times before standing up straight. 

“Finally getting some one on one time with your big brother? How sweet.” 

“Riko,” Ichirou said, “What is the matter with you?”

“Are you in trouble?” Neil asked, “Are you going to tell him how much you fucked up? I mean, you practically led me right to him.” 

Riko didn’t answer Neil or Ichirou. He quickly shuffled in his seat and pulled out a container of pills. He pulled the top off and went to pull one out. Neil reached out and slapped his hand away, the pills fell across the desk and onto the floor. 

“You can’t hide from me,” Neil said dangerously, leaning into Riko’s space, “You brought this on yourself.” 

He stood up straight and walked around the desk and went to the large windows. He could probably figure out where they were if he got a good look at the skyline. 

He recognized it immediately. It was too easy. 

He turned and found himself in the living room with Dan. Matt must have gotten the others because there was now a small crowd forming in the sitting room. 

“Cardiff,” Neil said immediately, “They’re in Cardiff. Find any facility that could be owned by BPO. Maybe even under a different name. Look for Moriyama, Hatford, Day, Wesninski.”

“On it,” Dan said immediately. Neil turned again and was back in the office. Riko was visibly shaking, he was staring at Neil as if he had never seen him before. 

“You brought this on yourself,” Neil said, “I mean you connected with me when you’re in a place like this? I can see what you see, _Asshole_. You’re just as stupid and reckless as I remembered.” 

“Riko,” Ichirou berated, “What the fuck have you done?” 

“What hasn’t he done, really?” Neil asked, even though Ichirou couldn’t hear him, “He underestimated me. Underestimated my cluster.”

Neil turned his head and looked to Dan in the sitting room. She was snapping her fingers in his direction. 

“What?” He bit out. 

Dan didn’t react to his attitude. She listed off an address and gave Neil a satisfied smirk. 

“It’s listed as an intake and out take medical facility. Owned under the name M. Hatford. We found him,” Dan said. 

Neil turned back and looked straight to Riko. He had an inhibitor in one hand and was about to take it. Neil grabbed his wrist and _squeezed_.

Neil listed off the address and smiled as Riko’s face twisted in shock. “I’m coming for you, you worthless piece of shit.” 

He stepped back and watched Riko swallow the pill. He smirked even wider as the connection cut out. 

The entire cluster plus Wymack and Abby were watching him expectantly he looked around the room and let out a low breath. 

“Guess we’re going to Cardiff,” Neil said, “Better start packing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did someone request badass Neil? No? Well you’re getting him anyway. 
> 
> I apologize for the torture bit- it doesn’t bring me any joy but boy does it make for some thick plot. 
> 
> Next chapter will feature a big good-old-fashioned rescue mission. Apparently I have absolutely no self control when it comes to contrived plot lines. This IS very self indulgent so I guess it doesn't really matter. 
> 
> As always you can find me on [tumblr.](http://stjosten.tumblr.com)


	6. We Will All be Judged by the Courage of our Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So quick note before you read this chapter. I made a BIT of an oopsie in chapter 3 and left out a very, very important piece of information that got lost in the original chapter that I wrote that was subsequently deleted, what can I say I’m only human, I went back and added it in order to correct my mistake. 
> 
> You don’t have to go back and read it because I’m just going to say that I forgot an entire bit where they talk about Nathan being a sensate and that Neil had never been visited by his father because he refused to look in his eyes as a child. I really can’t believe I forgot such an important part of the plot. I’m super sorry. ANYWAY-
> 
> Chapter Warnings: Implied/referenced torture, bodily harm, someone no one likes gets punched, blood, mentions of drugs and drug use, implied/referenced child abuse

#### Pairs - June 26

Neil had been absolutely terrified that Wymack was going to rip him a new one for instigating Riko. Turned out that he was very angry about the interaction but he was much happier that they had finally found Andrew. He only lectured Neil a little bit about being an instigator before clapping him on the back and giving him a harsh _good work._

Right after Neil had lost contact with Riko, they had all gathered around Dan’s computer and watched her walk herself into the very insecure computer system at the Cardiff facility. They had checked every single camera in every single room until they had found Andrew, passed out, but relatively unharmed, strapped to a bed just as Neil had found him when he last visited. 

It was unsettling to see him looking so small and frail on the computer screen. Neil had gripped the back of Dan’s chairs so tight that when he pulled away he had painful indents on his fingers from the edge of the chair.

There was a lightness in his chest now that he knew they were one step closer to getting Andrew back. But with it came a hum of energy sitting in the pit of his stomach that made him want to get in a car and drive himself straight to Cardiff. 

He felt like he was wasting time. Every moment spent in Paris was a moment they could be one step closer to Andrew. 

The cluster had all parted ways to get ready for bed about half an hour ago. Neil didn’t follow them. He had waved them all goodnight and stayed behind.He didn’t think there was any way he was going to be able to fall asleep yet, his mind was going a mile a minute, and he was full of an undercurrent of energy that was making it impossible for him to stay still. Currently he was pacing back and forth across the hardwood floor of the living room. 

They had a plan to get Andrew back. A solid plan that Neil thought was practically foolproof, but he knew better than to think like that. The last month had been filled with plans being ruined by the Moriyamas. Neil tried not to let himself think too much in that direction. If he put the thought of failure out into the universe then they would surely fail. 

He couldn’t let them fail. He couldn’t fail Andrew. 

Neil let out a long sigh and stopped his pacing. He hadn’t gone for a run since he was in Arizona and he was starting to miss the familiar ache in his legs from pushing himself too far. He was about to just go run the stairs until he felt more settled, when Renee and Allison appeared through the door of the living room, dressed in their night clothes and holding piles of blankets. 

He looked at them with raised eyebrows. “What’s this?” 

“We thought we could have a sleepover,” Renee said. She smiled her usual warm smile and walked right past Neil. He watched as her and Allison pushed all of the furniture against the walls of the room. They didn’t speak as they laid out blankets over the carpet and started placing an assortment of pillows in a giant pile.

“You’re not really going to sleep in jeans are you?” Allison asked, looking at him with bemusement, “I suggest you go put something else on.” 

Neil gave her a half-hearted shrug. He hadn’t really been planning on sleeping. There was no way that he would be able to rest with the nervous energy that was pulsing just under his skin. Allison let out a sigh of disappointment but said nothing. 

Matt and Dan showed up a few moments later quickly followed by Seth and Kevin. All of them were dressed in their night clothes, carrying blankets and pillows of varying sizes and colors. Matt, Dan, and Seth went past Neil to discard their own piles of blankets, but Kevin stopped right in front of him. 

Kevin held out a pillow and blanket in offering. When Neil made no move to take them he rolled his eyes and shoved them straight into Neil’s arms. 

“You’ll thank me in the morning,” Kevin said, “You’ll sleep better when everyone is together.” 

He shouldered past Neil and went to set up his own spot on the floor. Neil watched them for a moment, they were debating sleeping positions and Allison was busy accusing Seth of snoring, in retaliation Seth lifted a pillow and smacked Allison square in the face. 

Neil let out a breath he had been inadvertently holding in and let his shoulders slump. 

A warm hand wrapped around his wrist and he looked up to see Renee watching him. 

“Come,” She coerced, giving him a gentle tug towards the group, “You’re no use to us if you’re dead on your feet.” 

Neil let her pull him to their giant nest of blankets. She forced him into a spot between Matt and herself, giving him enough room to feel surrounded but not restrained. 

Renee sat down beside him and smiled warmly. Matt fell into the spot to his right and looped a heavy arm around Neil’s shoulders, giving him a fierce squeeze before letting go and leaning away. 

Neil soaked it in. He closed his eyes and imagined the entire cluster back together again, curling around each other in a pile in the middle of the living room in Abby and Wymack’s house. He imagined that they were safe from the Moriyamas, he imagined that Kevin was finally off his inhibitors and was able to push his messy energy into their connection. Neil imagined feeling full to the brim with hope, and joy, and love.

He opened his eyes and saw that everyone had essentially fallen into their own spots in a half-hazardous circle around him. Matt and Dan were curled together on his right, Renee was to his left, her arm slung over Allison’s middle. Above him Kevin laid with his back to Seth, who had one arm stuck under Allison’s pillow and the other thrown over his face. 

Neil looked them over as they settled and whispered to each other. Kevin looked straight at him and nodded before rolling to look away. 

Neil laid back and let out a shaky breath that left him feeling dangerously close to crying. He rolled to his side and faced Renee’s back, pulling the blanket Kevin had brought him over himself. 

It wouldn’t be a comfortable sleep, he realized, he was going to end up sleeping on the hard floor with no real support for his back. The jeans he was wearing were causing a strange itch in his legs whenever he moved too much. But he was safe, he was alive, and he was surrounded by his cluster. 

The only thing missing-

Neil closed his eyes and reached out to the familiar feeling of Andrew in their connection. He poked his way in as he always did. 

When he opened his eyes he saw Andrew laying, half conscious in the medical bed. Neil reached out to him and grabbed his hand, whispering words of encouragement for Andrew to follow him back. He tugged as hard as he could and blinked. 

When he opened his eyes again Andrew was laying across from him, eyes darkened from sleep, and hair sticking in every direction. 

Neil simply stared at him. He watched him for a moment and let himself sink into the familiar feeling of Andrew. The Andrew that would risk everything for his cluster, the Andrew that had been holding Neil up since he found him all those weeks ago. 

Without thinking too much about it, Neil reached toward him and rested his hand in the space between them. It was a silent offering, one that didn’t need to be communicated, because a moment later Andrew’s hand slipped out from under his body and closed the space between them. His fingers curled around Neil’s hand, squeezing just enough for Neil to know that he was really here and visiting. 

Neil closed his eyes and let out a silent prayer to the universe. 

_Let me save him. Let me save him. Let me save him._

Andrew moved a scant inch in his direction. Neil opened his eyes and closed the distance, letting their foreheads press together as they always did. A sign of comfort and closeness that Neil had never had with anyone else before. 

He didn’t know what tomorrow was going to bring. He didn’t know if they would survive their rescue mission in Cardiff. 

But here, in this old, brick, safehouse in Paris, Neil felt like he had the entire world right in front of him.

#### Cardiff- June 27

The ride to Cardiff from Paris was much longer than Neil had wanted it to be. They had sat on a train for over 7 hours and by the end of it Neil was vibrating chaotic energy in his seat. Seth had sighed several times and told him to relax, but he simply couldn’t. 

They were hours away from saving Andrew, there was no time for him to have patience. 

Neil, Matt, Seth, Allison, and Renee arrived in Cardiff at 7:45 pm. Neil had practically ran off the train, the rest of the cluster swearing and scrambling to keep up with him. He barely slowed down as they left the station. He had only one thing on his mind. Get into the Cardiff facility, get to Riko, then get to Andrew. 

Renee had contacted Jean the night before in order to ensure that the plan would go as it was supposed to. Jean had reluctantly agreed to help them. Neil suspected it was because he was fiercely loyal to Renee, so much so that he would risk his own life to help her. Neil thought it was stupid but he also remembered that he was about to willingly walk straight into Riko’s open arms, which probably wasn’t the best decision he had ever made, so he wasn’t one to judge. 

They arrived a block from the Cardiff facility around 8:30. Neil shook out his limbs and managed to jog in place for a few minutes before Matt had placed firm hands onto his shoulders and said, Relax. 

It was simple. They couldn’t really mess up simple. 

The unfortunate thing for BPO was that they had listed this facility as an intake-outtake medical center. Which meant they would have easy access to the front of the building, anything else would require IDs and keycodes. 

Dan had programmed their own keycode into the system and made enough fake IDs for every person in the cluster to get in and out without setting off any alarms. When Neil had asked if she was sure they would work she had only given him a smug smile and said, _Everything I make works, Neil. You’ll learn._

Dan was right. Everything she made worked because as soon as they walked into the emergency center and Allison went into her full scale meltdown at the front desk, Neil was able to slip unseen into the employees only section of the facility. His ID worked, his passcode worked, and he sent a silent thank you all the way back to Paris for Dan to feel. 

He went straight to the delivery bay and opened the back doors. Matt, Seth, and Renee were waiting for him. 

“We’ll get the suits,” Matt said, as he passed Neil, “I’ll visit so we can know when you’re ready.”

Neil nodded and left them in the delivery bay. 

Dan was able to get her hands on the blueprints for the entire facility. Neil had memorised most of them, at least the spots that were important, but he knew that if he forgot where he was going he could visit Dan and look them over again.

Neil didn’t need to go back and check. He went straight to a meeting room on the second floor of the facility. He walked in and hovered by the large conference table, his fingers running across the hard surface. Renee appeared next to him, an unwavering statue of support and calm. 

“Ready?” She asked.

Neil nodded and she disappeared again. He let out a low breath and looked up at the ceiling. He could tap into Nathaniel for a little while, just long enough to give him the courage and fire he needed to get through this.

Wesninski blood ran through his veins. He knew all about being cruel. 

The door opened and he saw a flash of black and gray as Riko Moriyama walked into the room. He was busy talking to Jean over his shoulder that he didn’t immediately notice Neil. He said something in quick Japanese, something angry and dripping with malice, before he turned to look into the room.

Neil felt his father’s smirk pulling at the edges of his lips. He didn’t try to hold it back, he let it cut his face into a cruel expression and he let it widen as Riko finally caught sight of him. 

Jean didn’t enter the room. He closed the door behind Riko and quickly disappeared from view. Riko remained frozen, his eyes going from the closed door to Neil with suspicion. 

“Just stopping in?” Riko asked, “I thought you said you already knew where I was.” 

_Perfect,_ Neil thought, _He’s so stupid he thinks that I’m visiting._

“Maybe I just wanted to see your ugly face again,” Neil said, raising his hands as if he was innocent, “What can I say, I needed a boost to my self esteem.” 

Riko scowled dangerously at him, his eyes narrowing as he looked Neil over.

“I’m surprised you aren’t trying to hide,” Neil said, “You know how I can come drop by whenever I want.” 

“I don’t need to hide from you,” Riko said, “You’re the ones hiding from me.” 

Neil raised his eyebrows in false bemusement. “Really?” Neil asked, “What makes you say that?” 

Riko slammed his hands onto the conference room table and Neil gave him an unimpressed eyebrow raise that would make Andrew proud. 

“Stop fucking playing with me,” Riko said, “You and your cluster think you’re tough shit. You’ve been looking into BPO for years now and you haven’t seemed to learn your fucking lesson. I am going to enjoy killing every single one of you slowly and with my own two hands. You of course, you will go right to your father. The Butcher has been wanting to see you since you ran away all those years ago. If I’m lucky he’ll let me watch as he tears you limb from limb.” 

Neil felt his blood boil with rage and his spine go stiff with fear. There was only one thing in the world that scared Neil. There was only one thing that could break him. He wasn’t looking forward to a reunion with his father. He didn’t know when it would happen, but from the way they were stepping dangerously hard on BPO toes he suspected that it was going to happen sooner rather than later. 

Neil managed to school his reaction as best as he could. He felt Matt slip through their connection and end up beside him. Neil didn’t turn his head or look away from Riko as he said, “Ready.” 

Riko gave him an annoyed look, one that Neil thought was nothing compared to the cruel smile his father often gave him, and said, “What the fuck are you talking about?” 

“Do you know how fucking stupid you are?” Neil asked, taking slow steps around the table and in Riko’s direction, “No, really? Do you have any idea how fucking stupid you are? Do you think it’s inherited? Do you think your daddy is as stupid as you? Or do you think that it’s because you’re the second son? The dead weight. The one daddy didn’t care enough about to keep around.” 

Riko’s face was growing red as Neil said each word.

“I don’t need to listen to your bullshit,” Riko said. He pulled out a bottle of pills and opened them, he dry swallowed an inhibitor and gave Neil an ugly scowl as he waited for it to take effect. 

Neil let his own lazy smile overpower his father’s. He let himself lean on the table and shake his head at Riko. 

“That’s not going to work this time,” Neil warned. Riko didn’t react at first, he simply glared at Neil as if he would disappear at any moment.

When a moment passed without Neil disappearing, Riko’s eyes went wide.

“You’re-?”

Neil didn’t let him finish. He walked across the space and punched Riko square in the nose. His knuckles came away bloody and Riko let out a satisfying cry of pain. 

“Wow,” Neil said, “How does it feel to be bested not once but twice in your own game?” 

Neil grabbed a fist full of Riko’s hair and slammed his head face first into the table. Riko let out another cry of pain and raised his hands to grab at Neil’s.

“No,” Neil said, “It’s too late for you.” 

The conference room door opened and Matt and Seth stepped in. Both were dressed in full BPO employee suits. A heavy blue that included a face mask and a pair of black gloves. Seth pushed in a stretcher with a body bag on top of it.

Riko took one look at the stretcher and began to struggle underneath Neil’s hand. 

“Matt?” Neil asked, before nodding in Riko’s direction. 

“Gotcha,” Matt said. He went behind Riko and raised his hand to the back of his neck. He took one solid swing. Neil watched as Riko’s eyes went blank before his eyelids dropped close and he passed out. 

Neil released his hair and let him crumble to the ground below him.

“I think they’ll get suspicious when they see all of the blood on the table,” Neil said cruelly, “Hope they have a decent clean up team. The carpets are going to stain.” 

“They have enough money to replace the damn carpet,” Seth said. He walked over to Matt’s side and helped him lift Riko’s unconscious body up and onto the stretcher. Seth covered him with the body bag and zipped it closed. 

“We’ll take him out to the delivery bay,” Matt said. He handed Neil a bundle of clothing before saying, “We’ll meet there when you’re done getting your boy. We can get our hands on a BPO van. It will make getting out faster.” 

Neil nodded and took the clothing from Matt’s outstretched hand. 

“Anyone suspect anything yet?” Neil asked. He unraveled the clothing and began to pull the suit on over his own clothes. He zipped it all the way up and slipped the face mask on and around his ears. 

“Not yet,” Matt said, “They have some shit security in this place. I don’t think they ever thought someone would try and get in here like this. Dan’s blocked all of the cameras, so we’re safe on that front. Allison has literally every guard in the lobby while she threatens to sue the entire place out of business. So, so far so good.” 

Matt gave Neil a lop-sidded grin. Neil let himself smile back. The door opened once again and Neil immediately recognized it as Renee in the same BPO suit as the others. 

“Ready?” Renee asked, looking directly at Neil.

He nodded. Seth reached out and gave him a fist bump and Matt slapped his shoulder in parting. 

“Good luck,” Matt called as Neil and Renee exited the conference room.

They walked through the facility without anyone sparing them a second glance. Neil let Renee’s calm confidence wash over him. 

“You’re almost there,” Dan said, she suddenly appeared beside them and was keeping pace to Neil’s right, “I’ve got my eyes on you.” She pointed up to the camera in the hallway before disappearing again. 

They stopped at a door that said _Restricted Access_. Neil typed in his passcode and waived his ID in front of the sensor.

_Come on. Come on. Come on._

The door blinked green and Neil let out a silent thank god before pushing it open and stepping inside. 

Renee slipped in beside him and they walked through the hall with extra caution in their step. 

“Which room?” Neil asked under his breath. He turned to look right at Dan who was posted in front of her computer in Paris. Kevin, Wymack, and Abby were all hovering around her. Neil leaned over her shoulder and looked at the blueprint layout displayed on the screen. 

“Restricted access starts here,” She said pointing to the door they had just entered, “Take a right at the end of the hall and it’s the second door on the left.” 

Neil nodded. He stepped back to find himself back in the hallway with Renee. 

“This way,” Neil said. Renee followed him down the hall and they both took a right. There was a guard posted by the room Andrew was in. Neil swore under his breath and slowed his movement. 

He blinked and found himself in Paris again, Renee beside him. 

“They have a guard posted at Andrew’s door,” Neil said quickly, “What do we do?” 

Dan gave him an unimpressed look and said, “I don’t know. Lie?” 

Neil let out a groan of frustration. It was just their luck that they would have an obstacle to face in the middle of this. 

He counted to ten in French and German to settle himself. 

“Okay,” he said finally, “I can lie. Lying is easy. Lying is what I do.” 

Renee nodded beside him and Neil blinked back into the hallway. The guard at the door stalled for a moment when he saw them approaching. 

“Evening,” Neil said, he did his best to mimic his mother’s accent, he hoped it was convincing. 

The guard didn’t react, he simply nodded and said, “Can I help you?” 

“We’re transporting this one,” Neil replied, pointing his thumb toward the door, “We’ve been given direct orders from Riko.” 

The guard gave him a querying look. Neil worried for a moment that it wouldn’t work. He tried his best to keep his expression neutral. The man only looked between Neil and Renee for a moment longer before shrugging and stepping away.

“Got it,” he said, “Good luck. I hear this one’s a fighter.” 

Neil let out a fake laugh and went to the door. 

“I’ve had worse,” Neil said jokingly. The man smirked at him and turned to leave. 

Neil only hesitated for a moment. He let his hand linger on the door knob. Renee quickly typed in the passcode and wordlessly gave Neil a push to open the door. 

He did. As soon as the door was open he let out a breath of relief. Andrew looked worse for wear, half conscious in the bed, strapped down at his wrists and ankles. 

Neil’s relief was palpable. He quickly walked into the room and let Renee close the door behind them. 

“Andrew,” Neil said. He crossed the room and leaned over the side of the bed, careful not to touch. Andrew had warned him that he wasn’t comfortable with being touched if he wasn’t completely awake. Neil had never broken that request, but he had heard stories about how Seth would have to throw something from across the room to get Andrew to wake up. He often woke up startled and swinging.

Neil really didn’t want to get hit right now. 

“Andrew,” he said again. He shook the side of the bed and sighed in relief when Andrew’s eyes cracked open to look up at him. There was no violent outburst, Neil realized that the drugs they were pumping him full of were dulling his senses.

“Not here,” Andrew croaked with a warning, “Camera.” 

“No you stupid man,” Neil said, he reached out and let his hand hover over Andrew’s arm, he waited for only a moment before letting their skin make contact. 

It was like the first time all over again. Neil let out a surprised breath and then smiled a watery smile as he looked down at Andrew. The shock of the contact seemed to bring more life back to Andrew’s eyes. 

“Holy fuck,” Andrew slurred, “How-?”

“We’re here to get you out,” Renee said, coming up to the other side of the bed. She started unraveling the restraints around Andrew’s wrist. 

Neil followed suit. He reluctantly removed his hand from Andrew’s arm and pulled his wrist free from the restraint. As soon as Andrew’s arms were free he was sitting up and grabbing the front of Neil’s BPO suit. 

Neil let out a surprised yelp as Andrew pulled him forward. They collided, chest to chest, messily, with Neil nearly falling straight into the bed.

“Fuck,” Andrew whispered, “You assholes really did it.” 

Neil let out a laugh and pressed his face into the crook of Andrew’s neck. It was sweaty and uncomfortable but Neil didn’t care. He felt their connection flare and throb between them. There was no place in the world he would rather be. 

“Now is not the time,” Dan said from behind them. Andrew released Neil and they both turned to look at Dan on the other side of the room, “I just got a notification that they sent an alert out about a breech. I don’t know how it’s possible. I had everything covered.” 

“Don’t worry,” Renee said quickly, she moved to remove the restraints around Andrew’s ankles, “You did amazing. We can get out in time.” 

“Neil,” Dan warned, “You’re father-“ she paused and shook her head indicating what Neil had really feared about this rescue mission. 

“He’s here?” He asked, dumbly. Andrew’s hand found its place around Neil’s wrist. He squeezed in silent support. 

Dan only nodded back at him. Neil let out a shaky breath and shook his head to clear his thoughts. 

“It’s fine,” he said quickly, “Like Renee said. We can get out in time.” 

Dan didn’t look convinced, there was a line forming between her brows from worry. Neil did his best to give her a confident smile. 

“Don’t worry,” he said resolutely. Dan nodded again. 

Renee removed the last restraint from Andrew’s ankle. Andrew released Neil’s wrist, instead he reached out and gripped the front of Neil’s suit, keeping him as close as Neil could possibly be with the barriers on the bed in the way.

Neil carefully pulled the IV from Andrew’s arm and threw it behind him so it was out of sight. Neil looked over the wires that were stuck to Andrew’s temple and neck. He let out a strained breath as he thought about having to remove them.

“This might hurt,” Neil warned. Andrew only nodded and wrapped his hand even tighter into the front of Neil’s suit. 

Neil started pulling the sticky nodules away, going as quickly as he could as if he was ripping off a bandaid. Andrew only winced minutely as Neil peeled each one away, carefully removing any hair that was tangled in the adhesive. 

As soon as Andrew was completely free Renee and Neil both positioned themselves on either side of him and gave him a helpful tug. As soon as Andrew was standing on his bare feet his knees gave out. Neil caught him just in time before he completely spilled to the floor. 

“Fuck,” Andrew slurred, his eyes dropping, “I still have sedatives in me.”

“Okay,” Neil said to him, then to Renee he said, “Fuck what do we do?” 

They both turned to find themselves in the sitting room in Paris. Renee looked directly at Abby and said, “We need to counteract sedatives. Now.” 

“Okay,” Abby said, looking frantic, “Dan, where is the closest medical supply closet?” 

Dan flicked the mouse around and looked over the blueprint. 

“Couple doors down,” she replied, “Left side.” 

“Get him there,” Abby said, “I’ll tell you what to give him.” 

Neil nodded and blinked back to the medical room with Andrew. Renee helped him carefully lift Andrew up and into a standing position. Neil wrapped an arm around Andrew’s waist and held him tightly against him. Andrew let out a low groan and wrapped an arm around Neil’s shoulders to keep himself upright.

“I’ll check the hall,” Renee said, she kept one hand on the gun strapped under her suit and used the other to push the door open. A moment passed before she looked back and nodded the all clear. 

Andrew was practically a deadweight in Neil’s arms, but they were able to maneuver him out of the room and down the hall to the supply closet. Renee quickly entered the passcode, pushed them inside, and closed the door behind them.

Neil let Andrew slowly slump to the ground and out of his grasp. The distant look in Andrew’s eyes was back and his eyelids kept falling closed as he struggled to stay awake.

“Abby,” Renee said sharply. 

Abby appeared like a storm. 

“Open the fridge,” she instructed, Renee moved to follow her orders, “Pull out any medicine labeled flumazenil.” 

Renee grabbed several small bottles and placed them on the counter.

“Find a syringe,” Abby ordered. Renee opened three separate cabinets until she found what she was looking for. She pulled out a single orange capped syringe. 

“Pull the cap off,” Abby instructed, she leaned over Renee’s shoulder, blocking Neil’s view, “Okay. Now slowly fill the syringe. Just like that, you don’t want any air bubbles. To here. No more no less.” 

Renee held the syringe up for Abby to examine. 

“Good,” Abby said, “You’re going to want to administer it to a fatty part of the body.” 

Andrew, who was barley conscious slurred out, “Fuck you, you’re not touching my ass unless you buy me dinner first.” 

It was a poor attempt at a joke but it lightened some of the tension in Neil’s chest anyway. 

“Shut up,” Abby ordered, sounding frazzled and not at all amused, “I’ll be sure to buy you as much cake as you want when you’re safe with us again. Renee, you can just put it in his upper arm.”

Renee moved quickly and knelt beside Andrew on the floor. Neil held Andrew up, letting him fall against his side. 

“It’s not going to be pretty,” Abby warned, “He’ll probably jerk involuntarily. Maybe vomit.” 

“Great,” Neil said sarcastically, “Should I move?” 

“Probably.” 

Renee pulled up the sleeve of Andrew’s shirt and gave him a one word warning of “sorry” before she inserted the syringe and administered the medicine. 

The effect was almost immediate. 

Andrew sat straight up and knocked his arms to both sides, smacking both Renee and Neil backwards and to the floor. Neil let out a small yelp as the back of his head collided with the shelving behind him. Andrew sucked in a gasp and leaned forward, spitting up bile. 

“Fuck,” he said emphatically, his voice was low and gravely but he sounded more alert than he had moments before, “What the fuck was that?” 

“Doesn’t matter,” Abby said. Renee struggled to sit back up and let out a small noise of discomfort as she stood. Neil leaned forward and placed a careful hand on Andrew’s back to soothe him. He didn’t jerk away at the touch, he let out a slow breath and ran his hands over his face. 

“We have to go,” Renee said, “Can you stand?” 

Andrew nodded. Neil pulled him up from the floor and helped him balance himself before letting go.

“You okay?” Neil asked softly. Andrew looked at him and Neil was relieved to see that the blank look in his eyes had disappeared and been replaced with their usual alert hazel. 

“Yeah,” Andrew mumbled, “I’m fucking peachy.”

“We’re clear,” Renee said, she had half of her body out the door and was looking down the hall, “Let’s go.” 

Andrew reached out and gave Neil’s hand a short squeeze before letting go. He gave him a reassuring look that said _I’m okay. It’s okay._ Neil nodded back at him.

They followed Renee out the door and down the hallway. 

“We have to tell Allison to meet us out back,” Renee said shortly.

Neil turned and found himself in the front entrance of the facility. Allison was currently throwing accusations at a kindly looking young girl behind the counter. There were several security guards hovering around her just out of reach. 

Allison paused her yelling when she caught sight of Neil, Renee, and Andrew standing close by. She raised an eyebrow at them in question. 

“We’re ready to go,” Renee said, “Meet us out back. Now.” 

Allison let her face warp from anger to ease in less than a few seconds. Neil thought that her act put his lying to shame. 

“Okay!” Allison said, raising her arms in mock surrender, “I get it! I’m leaving!” She turned on her heel, winked in Neil, Renee, and Andrew’s direction and walked out of the building. 

Neil let out a sigh and turned his head to find himself back in the hallway. 

“She’s sort of incredible,” Neil mused, “I’m impressed.” 

“Don’t let her hear you say that,” Andrew replied, “It’ll go straight to her head.” 

There was no chance to reply because suddenly Dan was walking beside them, looking frantic and wide eyed.

“I have bad news,” She declared, “Butcher’s not far now. They’re heading this way.”

“What’s the fastest way to the delivery bay?” Neil asked, looking around the hallway for any sign of his father. He knew that he wouldn’t see him just yet, but he felt the very real fear of coming face to face with him again. 

“The back elevator,” Dan said quickly, “It goes right down to the delivery bay. Straight down the hall and around the corner.” 

Neil nodded in reply. They hurried down the hall, Neil kept his hand close to Andrew’s side just in case the sedatives kicked back in. It didn’t seem to be an issue, but Neil still felt the beast of his anxiety unfurling in his stomach. There was no way that he was going to let anything stop them from getting out of here. Neil would burn the entire facility to the ground before he let them hurt a member of his cluster again.

Andrew must have sensed Neil’s lingering fear because his hand reached out and took Neil’s without so much as a comment. Neil gave him an appreciative squeeze in response.

They turned the corner and rushed over to the elevator. Neil could hear voices yelling down the hall. He took in a shaky breath as Renee pressed the call button over and over. 

“Should we take the stairs?” She asked, turning to look at Dan.

“Don’t worry,” Dan said, “This is faster. They won’t have time to make it to the floor below to stop the elevator.” 

Renee nodded and pressed the button a few more times. The voices were getting louder. Neil squeezed Andrew’s hand far too hard and willed himself to breath evenly. Just as a group of men turned the corner the elevator opened. Andrew pushed Neil and Renee in and pressed the button for the ground floor. A flurry of feet running up to them made Neil’s heart stop. 

Just before the elevator door closed a looming figure stepped right in front of them. Neil couldn’t stop himself. He was stupid, careless, _scared._

Neil looked up and locked eyes with a matching set of pale, ice blue. His entire body froze in pure terror. His heart began to palpitate painfully in his chest.

A cruel curve of a smile grew on the face in front of him. A smile that haunted Neil’s every waking moment. The smile that had him surging awake in the middle of the night in pure terror. The elevator doors closed and they started to descend. Neil could only feel a tingling sensation in the back of his head. He felt like he had been dropped into a pool of ice water. He felt like he was drowning. 

“Hello, Junior.” 

Neil let out a pained cry. He ripped his hand away from Andrew and covered his eyes. 

“Neil?” Frantic voices filled his ears but he couldn’t figure out who was speaking. 

_Junior._  
Junior.  
Junior. 

Neil choked on the air around him. 

His entire childhood he had managed to never look his father in the eyes. Not once. Not when the voice of his mother was in the back of his mind saying, _Never look him in the eye, Abram. Never._ But here, now, he had done it. He had broken the sacred rule. The one that had kept his father from visiting for all of those years on the run. Mary would kill him. She would kill him for being so fucking stupid. 

“You’re not happy to see me?” His father’s voice said. Neil didn’t have to turn around to know that Nathan was hovering next to him, visiting him, watching him panic. 

A warm hand wrapped around Neil’s arm and he surged forward without thinking, slamming himself into the side of the elevator.

“Neil!” 

“ _Don’t touch me_ ,” Neil begged. His voice didn’t sound like his own anymore. He sounded as he did when he was just 10 years old, begging his father to stop, begging Lola to leave him alone, begging his mother to help him. 

Neil crumbled to the floor of the elevator, he covered his ears and pressed his face into his knees to cover his eyes. 

“ _Go away!_ ” He begged, “ _Please_.”

“Neil,” A calm and clear voice said over him, “Neil.” 

Neil tried to focus on it. He felt his entire body beginning to curve into itself. 

“Nathaniel,” A different voice said, Neil recoiled at the sound of it, “You’ve really turned out to be a huge disappointment. Why are you cowering from me, Nathaniel? Shouldn’t you show your father some respect?” 

Neil let out a strangled noise from the back of his throat. 

“ _Abram_ ,” A voice said. His entire body seized at the name. The name that his mother would whisper in his ear when they were alone or on the run together. The only constant. The only truth. 

He forced his head up and opened his eyes. For a second he thought he saw Mary Hatford leaning over him. Fierce gray eyes and a cascade of blonde hair. He opened his mouth to say her name but he blinked and she was gone, replaced with familiar hazel and pale blonde. 

“Abram,” Andrew said with conviction, “Look at me.” 

“He found me,” Neil whispered, desperate, voice wrecked with fear, “He’s here.” 

“Look at me,” Andrew said, his hands were hovering on either side of Neil’s face, “Only look at me.” 

Neil nodded. 

“He can’t hurt you,” Andrew said, “He can’t hurt you. We are going to get out of here and we are going to get you on inhibitors, but until then I will not let him hurt you. Do you understand?” 

Neil wanted to tell him that he was out of his mind if he thought he could stand up to Nathan Wesninski. Andrew was only one person and Nathan had an _army_ backing him up.

Andrew would die if he tried to protect Neil. He would die and Neil would lose him. 

_I don’t want to lose this._

“You can’t say that,” Neil whispered, “You can’t stop him.” 

“Watch me,” Andrew said, stern and determined, “I promise I will protect you. _Always_.”

Neil sucked in a breath and nodded, he felt the hot tears that were pouring down his face and flinched away when he saw the hovering figure of his Father beside him. 

“Crying, Junior?” His father said from above him, Neil whimpered and tried to push him away, “You’ve really become so fucking pathetic.” 

“You need to knock me out,” Neil whispered, he pressed his eyes closed and pretended that his father wasn’t hovering beside him in the elevator, just a single floor away from them. 

“I won’t do that,” Andrew argued. 

“You have to!” Neil said, his voice raising in volume, “He can see where we’re going if I’m awake. You have to knock me out.” 

Andrew tensed in front of him. The elevator dinged and the door slid open. Neil made no move to get up.

“I’m going to touch you,” Andrew warned, “Yes or no?” 

Neil didn’t open his eyes. He nodded and let Andrew wrap his hands around his arms and pull him to his feet. 

“Don’t open your eyes,” Andrew said, “He won’t know where we are if you don’t know where you are.” 

Andrew kept a protective hand around Neil’s arm and pulled him down the hall. Neil had no idea if they were going in the right direction. He let Andrew drag him along and tuck Neil into his side.

“We’re almost there,” Renee said helpfully, “Seth and Matt have a car ready to go.” 

There was the sound of a door opening and Neil was pulled into a room. He immediately felt the pull of Matt, Seth, and Allison in his connection. They were close. Neil wanted nothing more than to reach out and fall into them.

“Step,” Andrew said into Neil’s ear. Neil stepped down and nearly stumbled but Andrew steadied him.

“You have to knock me out,” Neil said again, “We can’t risk Nathan seeing where the safe house is.” 

Andrew let out an annoyed sigh and stopped Neil from walking with two firm hands on his shoulders. Neil turned and opened his eyes, only looking at Andrew. 

There were dark circles forming under Andrew’s eyes and Neil reached out and pressed his thumb against the tender skin. 

“I’m sorry,” Neil whispered in the space between them, “It was an accident. I-I didn’t mean to look him in the eye.” 

Andrew stopped him with a fierce shake of his head. “Don’t fucking say that. This is not your fault.” 

“I’m going to get you all killed,” Neil whispered, “We’re all fucked.” 

“We’re not,” Andrew replied with finality, “I told you I would protect you. I promised you always.” 

Neil sucked in a breath and pressed his forehead against Andrew’s. 

“When this is over,” Neil said softly, soft enough that he hoped only Andrew would hear him, “We should get bratwurst in Berlin.” 

Andrew snorted and pressed his forehead firmly against Neil’s

“When this is over,” Andrew said as if it was a promise, “We’re taking a fucking vacation far away from Europe.” 

Neil let out a breathy laugh and willed the tears to stop falling. 

“Thank you,” Neil whispered, because he didn’t know what else to say, he didn’t know if he would ever get the chance to say it again, “You’re amazing.” 

“Shut up,” Andrew said tersely, before throwing Neil’s own words back at him, “Don’t say it like it’s a goodbye.” 

“We need to go!” Seth’s voice called, “Like now!” 

“Matt,” Neil said, forcing himself to pull away from Andrew.

“What is it, buddy?” Matt said, rushing over to him, “What’s wrong?” 

“I need you to knock me out,” Neil explained, “Andrew will explain. Just please, do it.” 

Matt gaped at him before looking over Neil’s shoulder at Andrew. Neil didn’t know what he saw there but Matt’s mouth closed and his jaw tensed. 

“Sorry about this,” He said. He reached behind Neil and raised his hand. It felt like a sharp pain and then it felt like nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it’s not one thing it’s another, amiright??????
> 
> This also turned out to be the shortest chapter I’ve written for this story so far. I expected it to be the longest but -uh - turns out I was wrong.
> 
> Also, I have zero idea if any of the medical stuff I mentioned is accurate. I used google so if it’s wrong blame them not me!!!!!!!!! (Jk you can blame me.)
> 
> I’m sorry that this is just an angsty roller coaster. I either write really soft fluff or just straight up CHAOS there is no in between. 
> 
> Next chapter will feature some heavy Andrew POV, (did someone ask for Aaron???? Well you’re getting him!), some really tough decisions, and a lot of anxiety (sorry).
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading my crazy ramblings. I'm sorry that I'm such a hot mess like 100% of the time (I mean I DID forget some important plot information sooo) and I appreciate you reading this anyway. 
> 
> As always you can find me on [tumblr.](http://stjosten.tumblr.com) You can scold me for being a hot mess there.


	7. Demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: **I want to make it explicitly clear that there are several mentions of drug abuse in this chapter. Drugs are mentioned by name. Please see end notes for more information.** Implied/referenced past drug use, drug use, drug mentions, mentions of drug addiction, forced drugging, symptoms of PTSD, panic attacks, anxiety, implied/referenced abuse, implied/referenced rape/non-con, implied/referenced torture, mentions of torture, aftermath of torture

#### Paris - July 1

“You’re awake early.” 

Andrew looked over his shoulder and saw Renee walking into the kitchen of the Paris safehouse. She was wearing a leisurely outfit and sporting a bright lime green scrunchie. She looked far too bright and inviting for 5:30 in the morning. 

“So I am,” He replied. His voice was low and gravely. He cleared his throat and took a drink of his sugary coffee before speaking again. “Why are you up so early?” 

Renee hummed and walked into the kitchen. She made herself busy with the coffee maker as she said, “My sleep schedule is a mess. I’m trying to completely restart my schedule. What about you? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you awake before 10 if you didn’t have to be.” 

The truth was that Andrew couldn’t sleep. He could still feel the tingling sensation of electricity under his skin. It was leaving his arms and legs feeling restless and he couldn’t sit or lay down for too long without involuntarily twitching himself awake. There was also Neil. Everytime Andrew would try to get into bed beside him, he would find himself completely consumed with dangerous _what ifs_ that were far too close to being real for Andrew’s liking. 

What if Nathan showed up right before Neil got his next dose of inhibitors? What if Neil couldn’t take it anymore and decided to run? What if Nathan caught up to them and killed Neil and made Andrew watch? What if- what if- what if-

Andrew had to physically shake his head and flex his tingling fingers to get the thoughts to cease. Once they started they didn’t stop. He was spiralling. 

“Is it Neil?” Renee asked, she was watching him thoughtfully from across the kitchen. Andrew didn’t think it was _just_ Neil that was giving him woes. It was everything. BPO, the torture, almost losing his cluster, being kidnapped, being shot. There were too many things that had happened far too quickly for Andrew to really comprehend them in a healthy way. They were in the middle of a track record for disaster. It was only going to get worse before it got better.

“No,” Andrew said, the tingling sensation was returning to his legs, if he didn’t stand up now and walk it off he would lose his mind, “Nothing is bothering me. I just wanted to get up early.” 

Renee saw right through him, as she often did. She gave him an appraising look and shook her head. 

“You can talk about it, you know,” She offered, “If something is bothering you.” 

“Nothing is bothering me,” Andrew replied quickly. The tingling was getting to be unbearable. He stood from the stool and kicked both of his legs twice before letting out an annoyed huff of air. Renee watched him sullenly, Andrew shot her a glare.

“I was fucking tortured for five days straight,” Andrew ground out, “I don’t exactly feel amazing.” 

“I know,” Renee replied, “You need to talk to Abby. She can probably figure out a way to help you.” 

“I don’t think anyone can help me, Renee,” Andrew said snidely, “Everything is a fucking mess and we just have to figure out how we’re going to fix it.” 

Renee gave him a sympathetic look that he hated. The one that she gave him whenever she knew something that he didn’t know. A sort of poetic irony really. 

“What is it?” He asked, “I know that look.” 

Renee sighed and leaned back against the counter behind her. 

“You’re refusing to take care of yourself again,” Renee said, “We’re safe. Neil is safe. We have time to figure things out. You need to rest.” 

Andrew could only glare at her. She was right, of course because she was always right. Andrew was ignoring the very real damage that had been done to him when he was being held at BPO. If there had been no side effects than he was sure that the lingering electricity under his skin would have gone away by now. But it hadn’t, and he was pretending that it wasn’t an issue because there were more important things to worry about. 

“There are other things at play right now,” Andrew replied, “I don’t have time to worry about my own bullshit.” 

Renee scowled and shook her head at him. “What you feel isn’t bullshit,” She stated, “You know that, right?” 

Andrew rolled his eyes. “Yes, sure, my feelings are valid. But we _really_ have more important things to think about. For one we’re running out of inhibitors.” 

“Didn’t you go buy more from the dealer Jean told us about? That was where you and Matt went yesterday, right?” Renee asked, bemused. 

“Sure was,” Andrew replied, “Too bad they aren’t currently selling to anyone right now. BPO has the distribution of inhibitors on complete lockdown. They’re currently finding and getting rid of dealers in the black market. The guy said he can’t get his hands on more until they loosen the restrictions.” 

“They must know that we need them,” Renee said, “If they can restrict who is selling them they can get notified when someone buys. They’re trying to lure us out.” 

“I know,” Andrew said, “The real issue is that we maybe have a week of inhibitors left before we’re completely dry. Kevin may not need them anymore but we have two people in this house that need to be drugged at all times. What happens when we run out? We can sedate Riko or give him fucking opiods, for all I fucking care but Neil? We can’t fucking do that to Neil.” 

Renee’s posture tightened significantly. The entire cluster was familiar with the alternate methods of closing off the connection. Matt became addicted to heroin when he was 16 thanks to a shitty home situation and some really fucking bad influences in his life. He was able to kick it, thanks to the clusters forceful hands, but the effects had been very obvious at the time. Whenever Matt was high he was cut off from the connection. There was something about Opioids effects on the brain that blocked what made a sensate a sensate.

Andrew didn’t know what it was about opioids that affected sensates so substantially, but he really didn’t want to see it happen to anyone in his cluster ever again. Especially not to Neil. 

“You said we have a week's supply left, right?” Renee asked, “Is that for both Riko and Neil or just Neil?” 

“For both of them,” Andrew replied, “We can probably stretch it out longer if we can switch Riko to something else.” 

Having opioids in the house would be a slippery slope. Matt had officially been clean for four years, but Andrew didn’t know if having it on standby would be too tempting for him. 

“I think you should talk to Matt and Wymack about this,” Renee said, “You do know that we’re here to help and figure things out, right? You can’t do it alone.” 

Andrew cracked every knuckle on both hands to try and force the pins and needles away. He was never alone, not really, not anymore, he could lean on the others for support. He _knew_ this so why was it so _fucking_ hard sometimes.

“I’m not thinking straight,” Andrew confessed, “I can’t fucking sleep. It feels like I’m still being pumped with electricity. My connection feels off kilter with everyone. Neil is catatonic because he keeps having flashbacks to his absolutely gruesome childhood. And I just want to fucking burn BPO to the ground.” 

Renee made no visible reaction to Andrew’s tangent. She simply stared at him as she always stared at him. Unmoving and steady, as if Andrew hadn’t said anything at all.

“Talk to Abby,” Renee said, “About the lingering pain, about the inhibitors, about the lack of sleep. Talk to Matt and Wymack about alternatives to inhibitors. And then, I suggest you talk to Neil.” 

Andrew gave her an unimpressed look before asking, “Why would I talk to Neil?” 

“Because you’ve both been through a trauma,” Renee said, “Neil doesn’t trust us like he trusts you and you don’t trust any of us to help you like you trust Neil. So I suggest you talk to him.” 

Andrew scowled and gave her a fierce glare. 

“He’s not my answer,” Andrew said, “And I am definitely not his.” 

“You can’t fix him, Andrew,” Renee said, “And vice versa. It isn’t about giving more than you can handle or taking more than Neil is willing to give you. It’s about sharing. You can share those burdens without weighing the other down. You know your limits and I’m sure Neil knows his. You won’t find a solution in Neil, or an answer, or whatever it is that you’re afraid to find, but you’ll probably find a _reason_ and sometimes that’s enough.” 

Andrew let her words sink in. He rolled them over in his head several times before he could finally comprehend what she was telling him. 

_A team. They were a team._

Andrew had promised Neil always and he intended to keep it, in whatever capacity that it entailed. He wasn’t going to back out of that promise to protect him just because he was afraid of feeling. 

It was a fact that Andrew had never done this before. He had spent far too long focusing on anything else. He looked out for his brother, he looked out for Nicky, he looked out for every member of the cluster. He had never had time to explore any type of relationship outside of that, especially not the kind that would hold a significant emotional investment. 

This was new. This was unfamiliar and this was really stressing him out. 

Neil knew all of Andrew’s dark secrets. Andrew had confessed them to Neil under the South Carolina sky in Abby’s back yard. 

He knew about Andrew cutting the brakes on Tilda’s car. He knew about all of his foster homes and the heavy handed foster parents. He knew about _Drake._ Neil knew what Andrew _did_ to Drake when he knew that he couldn’t keep the Spears. 

Neil knew all of this and he stayed. He knew all of this and he didn’t look at Andrew any differently. It was terrifying, it was liberating, it felt like falling.

Andrew let out a deep sigh and lifted his thumb to his lips and began to chew at the skin around his warped thumbnail. There was never going to be a good time for this, he realized. Not with BPO hanging over their heads, not with the very real threat of running out of inhibitors, not with Nathan one step away from poking around in Neil’s head. 

But someone had said that there was really no time like the present. They had a full week before they ran out of inhibitors and maybe a few days before they _really_ needed to consider their next course of action. Andrew knew that he needed to talk to Wymack, Matt, and Abby before he made any irrational decisions. There was really nothing stopping him from marching back upstairs and getting back into bed beside Neil and watching him sleep until he inevitably woke up. 

It still left a feeling of uncertainty in the pit of his stomach. It was the same feeling he got whenever he boarded a plane. A familiar _swoosh_ in his stomach that told him that he was teetering the very dangerous line between living and dying. 

It wouldn’t be a terrible way to die, Andrew considered. Especially if it was Neil that was the thing that killed him. 

“I’ll think about it,” Andrew settled on saying. He tasted copper and pulled his thumb away to find that he had chewed too much and left behind a blotchy mess of ruined skin and blood. He hadn’t even felt it. 

“That’s all I ask,” Renee said, although it wasn’t what she asked at all, “You will figure it out. Until then I think you need to eat something and maybe lay down and catch some sleep.” 

Andrew shook his head, gave Renee a smirk that didn’t match his eyes and said, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” 

*  
The ride back from Paris had been a mostly silent affair. It was the first time that Andrew had been safe since he left Abby’s house in May to visit Nicky in Stuttgart, with the ulterior motive of working the diamond job in Berlin. Although he was mostly safe in that van he still couldn’t help but feel that he had just been knocking at death’s door, and instead of leaving before it got too dangerous, he forced his entire cluster to come knock with him. 

He felt like he had signed their death sentence. He worried that he had just effectively killed Neil.

Throughout the ride back Neil had laid unconscious in his arms, sometimes letting out little breaths or sighs as if he was dreaming. Andrew simply let himself cling to Neil like a child would cling to something important to them, there was nothing else that he could have done for those eight hours. He didn’t sleep, he didn’t close his eyes for one second, and he only moved when they stopped at a rest area and switched cars. 

At the time he had vowed to keep himself awake in case anything went wrong, so he could watch over his family, and keep whoever was driving preoccupied enough to stay awake, but now it seemed that he had vowed never to sleep again. 

If he closed his eyes for too long he would see images of Neil screaming no and throwing himself into the wall of the elevator, or images of Riko standing over him with paddles, or Nathan’s cruel cutting smile. 

Sometimes, when he was really, really unlucky, he would see himself standing over Neil with the paddles in his hands, leaning over to shock him, a look of paralyzing fear across Neil’s face. 

Andrew was often very, very unlucky. 

He left Renee in the kitchen around seven am and decided to seek out Wymack. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk to Neil yet, not in the very real way that he knew was necessary, so he decided to avoid it all together until he had no choice in the matter. 

Talking about a solution for their inhibitor problem was a much safer bet right now. It was a problem that he could work towards solving. His issues with Neil could only lead down a dark never ending path that looked far too much like _feeling_ for him to handle at the moment. 

Wymack was in the sitting room with Abby. They were often awake before everyone else. Their cluster was a collection of barely functioning 21 year olds that slept far too late for their own good. Andrew didn’t think any of them would be a healthy example for normal behavior. 

Abby smiled cautiously at him as he entered. He immediately hated the look on her face. A look that said she wasn’t sure how to act around him anymore. It was too much sympathy and concern for Andrew to stomach right now. He instead looked to Wymack.

“We have a problem,” Andrew said, getting straight to the point, “Did you talk to, Boyd?” 

“About the inhibitors?” Wymack asked. When Andrew nodded he continued, “Yeah, it’s not great. We don’t have enough left to keep Neil and Riko disconnected for much longer. If we’re lucky we have about a week left. The alternative isn’t exactly pretty.” 

“That’s what we need to talk about,” Andrew said, “The alternative.” 

Wymack nodded minutely. He let out a bone deep sigh and ran a hand over the scruff of 5 o’clock shadow on his chin. He didn’t say anything for a moment and Andrew could see the tension that was building in Wymack’s shoulders. He suddenly looked much older than he normally did, hunched forward with his elbows on his knees and his head resting on his hand. He looked haggard, as if the entire world was sitting on his back. Andrew realized that it sort of was. 

“We can try and make more,” Abby suggested, looking a bit embarrassed and reluctant, “I don’t have a lot of knowledge about pharmaceuticals, I was only a trauma nurse, but I know enough that I might be able to figure out what ingredients are used and make more.” 

Andrew felt something click into place almost immediately. He was suddenly extremely grateful that he had come to talk to Abby and Wymack. He was too tired to think rationally right now. The seed was planted. He let the idea in his brain bloom. 

“Aaron,” Andrew said out loud without even thinking about it, “Aaron and his dumb girlfriend. They’re pre-med. They’ve been interning at a pharmaceutical company. Fuck, his stupid girlfriend’s parents _own_ the company. They could probably figure it out.” 

Abby looked surprised and then began to nod eagerly. 

“That’s a great idea,” She said, “If we pool our knowledge together we will definitely be able to figure it out. Can Aaron get here soon?” 

Andrew pulled up a mental picture of Aaron’s schedule that he had memorized. Aaron kept him up to date on his regular activities so Andrew wasn’t completely out of the loop as to what his twin was doing. He knew that the summer was usually more lax for him, which meant he could definitely find an excuse to take time off from his internship and come to Paris. 

“I’ll call him,” Andrew said resolutely, “I’ll see when he can get here. We still need a back up plan. Even if it’s temporary.” 

“We can get our hands on something,” Wymack said darkly, “I’ll talk to Dan about it.” 

“Talk to Dan about what?” Dan asked as she walked into the room still dressed in her night clothes. 

_This cluster is seriously a disaster._

“About getting our hands on some opioids,” Andrew answered, before Wymack had the chance to be discreet, “Just in case.” 

Dan looked skeptical for a moment before she nodded. “Okay,” she said, sounding breathless, “We can’t tell Matt.” 

“You have to tell him,” Andrew immediately replied, “That isn’t up for discussion. You’ll have to trust him.” 

Dan sent him a dirty glare and said nothing. Andrew didn’t care. He was too tired to argue with her, or anyone for that matter. 

“You look dead on your feet, monster,” Allison said, she walked into the room and looked him over before going to sit beside Abby, “Do you ever sleep or are you nocturnal?” 

“Fuck off,” Andrew replied. 

“Great. As pleasant as always,” Allison countered, “I thought maybe you learned some manners during your stay with dear Riko.” 

“Allison!” Abby warned quickly. 

It was meant to be a joke but Andrew wasn’t in the joking mood. He couldn’t remember how he would normally react. Instead he instinctively reached for his armband as if he was going to pull out a knife. Renee appeared beside him immediately, he couldn’t tell if she felt his desire to kill through their connection or if she was already on her way over. 

“Andrew,” Renee said calmly, “I don’t think that’s necessary.” 

The room was silent with a tension so thick that Andrew could practically taste it. He squeezed the edge of his armbands between his thumb and forefinger before letting go. 

Allison let out a relieved breath, she looked visibly shaken but tried to school her expression. 

_Good,_ Andrew thought, _Don’t forget that I’m still a monster._

“How is our captured prince?” Allison decided to say, changing the subject immediately as if Andrew hadn’t just tried to pull a knife on her, “Still holed up in the basement?” 

“Yes,” Wymack replied, taking the queue for what it was, “It’s not like he can get anywhere. We have him tied up.” 

“You never know,” Allison commented, “Did he get his inhibitors?” 

Andrew tried not to flinch at the word, he was far too on edge.

Wymack nodded. “Gave them to him this morning.”

“And, Neil?” Allison asked, “Is he drugged up?”

They all looked to Andrew expectantly. He felt his legs begin to tingle uncomfortably underneath him. 

_Fuck._

“I’m not his fucking keeper,” Andrew berated, “I’m sure he’s taking care of himself.” 

Allison gave him a quizzical look before shrugging and flipping her hair over her shoulder. “Whatever you say, monster.” 

Andrew ground his teeth together and tried to calm down. He remembered what Neil had told him about how he calmed himself when he started to panic. He would count to ten in every language he knew and let himself feel it before putting it away. Andrew didn’t know how many languages he knew anymore, the shared knowledge of the cluster was a big jumble of nonsense at this point. Instead he counted to 20 in German and then pushed it aside. 

It didn’t help. 

“You alright?” Dan asked, surprising a year off Andrew’s life, “You’re- you’re feeling an awful lot over there.” 

It wasn’t meant to be a snide comment. Andrew knew that Dan was being genuine, she was basically the nurturer of their cluster, but it left him feeling angry and far too seen. When Allison let out a snicker from across the room Andrew snapped. 

“I’m done,” Andrew said, “Don’t fucking bother me for the rest of the day. I’m going to sleep.” 

He heard someone say _finally_ but he wasn’t sure who. He stormed out of the room and left without looking back.

Andrew knew that Neil was probably still in their shared room. So instead of going straight there Andrew made a beeline for the basement. He might as well let off some steam. Luckily for him he had his own personal punching bag, that deserved some repercussions, sitting in their basement. 

*

#### Paris - July 2

“You can’t be serious,” Aaron’s voice said through the phone. Andrew was sitting in the empty bedroom he shared with Neil on the second floor, his phone pressed against his ear. He could hear the sound of a TV playing somewhere in the background on Aaron’s end. Andrew didn’t bother wondering if he had interrupted him on a quiet day off. 

“I am,” Andrew replied, “You need to get on a plane to Paris. Today, preferably.” 

Aaron let out a short huff of air that made him sound vaguely annoyed before saying, “I can’t just drop my entire life to take a vacation. I’m in the middle of my internship. I can’t just leave in the middle of it.”

“Take some time off,” Andrew said, “I don’t care. Figure it out. This isn’t a vacation. I-” He paused and ran his free hand over his face to try and pull away the uncertainty, “I need help.” 

“Wow,” Aaron let out, “I don’t think you’ve ever asked for help before.” 

“Thanks, asshole,” Andrew replied tersely, “Now tell me you can make it happen.” 

Aaron let out a long breath. He didn’t say anything for a solid minute, Andrew had to double check his phone to make sure that Aaron hadn’t hung up. He didn’t and Andrew leaned forward on his knees to try and settle himself. 

“Why?” Aaron finally asked, “What is it you need from me?” 

Aaron knew about Andrew and the cluster. It had been a very awkward conversation that had left both Andrew and Aaron pissed off and angry at each other. Aaron had called Andrew crazy and Andrew had told Aaron to go fuck himself. They didn’t speak for a few days after the interaction. Nicky had watched them stomp around the house and avoid each other with mild concern, but he never overstepped and asked what had happened.

It took until Andrew had forced Aaron to meet the members of his cluster for him to finally believe him. It also took Aaron standing in the kitchen of Abby and Wymack’s house with Dan, showing her a piece of paper with one word on it while Andrew stood in the other room. Andrew had stormed in, said the word asshole and then left. Aaron never questioned him again. 

Even if Aaron believed him, and found the entire thing scientifically fascinating, it didn’t stop the gnawing feeling of uncertainty that took over whenever Andrew mentioned his cluster. He wasn’t afraid of Aaron rejecting him, he knew that he could live without Aaron one way or the other, but he hated the idea of sharing this with him. 

Andrew was selfish and possessive. He didn’t like the different aspects of his life combining. Pulling Aaron into this was a big step for him. One that was leaving him feeling rubbed raw.

“I need you to help one of mine,” Andrew said, hoping that it was enough, “I need your knowledge of pharmaceuticals.” 

Aaron hummed before he asked, “I better bring Katelyn then. She knows more than I do.” 

Andrew knew that was true, he also was really, really trying to avoid seeing her. 

“Fine,” Andrew said, “Bring your stupid girlfriend with you. Use the money I put in your account to buy plane tickets. You might be here a while so don’t bother getting a roundtrip flight.” 

“Okay,” Aaron said, “I’ll see what I can do.” 

Andrew pulled his phone back to see that Aaron had hung up already. He let out a deep sigh and dropped his phone onto the bed beside him. 

He still hadn’t managed to get any sleep. He had been avoiding Neil and the rest of the cluster as much as he could. The only person that he actively seeked out was Renee and it was only so that he could have a few moments of companionable silence so he could ignore the voice in his head. The one that was telling him that he was ruining everything. 

The new self destructive streak was admittedly unbearable but he couldn’t stop himself.

The door to the room creaked open and Andrew looked up to see Neil entering. Andrew sighed and dropped his head back down into his hands. 

“What?” Andrew asked. It came out snide and uncouth but he didn’t care anymore. 

The door clicked closed and Andrew half expected Neil to have left but the mattress shifted underneath him. He looked up to see that Neil had situated himself as far away on the foot of the bed as he could be without falling off. Andrew simply stared at him.

There was no overwhelming surge of electricity when Andrew and Neil caught eyes. The loss of their connection was unsettling and something that Andrew was having a hard time adjusting to. He had grown accustomed to feeling Neil’s persistent anxious energy in the back of his head, without it Andrew felt that he was missing his second self. 

“I just wanted to check on you,” Neil explained, “You’ve been avoiding me.” 

Andrew let out a deep sigh and rubbed his hands over his face. There was no point in lying. It was a waste of time to lie. 

“Yes,” Andrew said, “I have.”

“Why?” 

There was a look of uncertainty sitting behind Neil’s blue, blue eyes. It was Andrew’s fault. He had done this. 

“I can’t look at you right now,” Andrew replied and turned away, “Just go.” 

Neil was silent for a moment but didn’t move to leave. 

This was Andrew’s own fault. He did this to himself. 

“I don’t understand what you want from me,” Andrew said, sounding defeated, “What do you want, Neil?” 

They sat in silence for a moment and Andrew knew that he fucked up. The lack of sleep and ignoring the very obvious side effects of Riko’s torture was really weighing on him now. He was starting to combust and break apart. 

He shouldn’t have let himself _want_ so freely. It only led to destruction.

Neil finally spoke after several moments of silence. “Whatever you're willing to give me.” 

It felt too much like falling. 

“What if I can’t give you anything?” Andrew asked, “What if this is all there ever is?” 

Neil tilted his head. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean that there is always going to be fucking something,” Andrew declared, “There is always going to be a problem and we are always going to be one fucking step away from getting ourselves killed. I said I would protect you. I told you always. I never go back on my word. But what if that is all I can ever give you?”

Neil sighed but didn’t make any move to come closer. He gave Andrew a serious look, the kind that made the inside of Andrew’s stomach warm and flutter even without their connection pulsing between them. 

“Always is a very long time, Andrew. You shouldn’t force yourself to give that to anyone. _I_ don’t want you to give that to me. I don’t need you to protect me, I can very clearly take care of myself,” Neil paused before taking a deep breath and saying, “Do you think that’s all there is? It won’t always be like this. Someday this will be a distant memory, and then what? What are you going to protect everyone from? What are you going to do with yourself?” 

Andrew didn’t have a logical answer. He thought maybe he would go back to the way things were before. Before Neil. Before the Moriyamas made their move. The before where Andrew was nothing but a petty thief for hire accumulating money so he could pay for Aaron’s schooling. The before that left Andrew feeling as empty as he did without Neil’s connection keeping him tethered. 

He would go back to nothing. 

“Nothing,” Andrew replied, because it was the truth, “I’ll do nothing.” 

“You’re punishing yourself for no reason,” Neil said with new determination, “You’re blaming yourself for all of this. This isn’t your fault.” 

“Isn’t it?” Andrew asked, feeling rather desperate and out of control and one step away from making a mistake.

“No,” Neil said firmly, “It isn’t.”

“If you hadn’t come to the facility to get me-” Andrew started but stopped himself short before he could finish. 

_If Neil hadn’t come to get him than Nathan-_

“Don’t say that,” Neil replied, clearly frustrated, “He was going to find me eventually. Nothing was going to change that.”

Andrew felt his blood beginning to boil. 

“Will you be saying that next week when we have to shoot you up with opioids to keep your connection under control?” Andrew spit out, “We’re running out of inhibitors and there is no other option. Prolonged sedation will kill you.” 

Neil seemed taken back by his words. His eyes widened in shock. 

“Wh-what are you talking about?” 

“That’s the only other option,” Andrew explained, “As soon as we run out of inhibitors we are going to have to do something to keep your father away. Are you really going to be able to not blame me when that happens?”

Neil sucked in a deep breath and gave Andrew a watery eyed look that made Andrew feel like absolute shit. He deserved it. He deserved this. 

“You need to stop,” Neil said, sounding out of breath and uncertain, “You can’t blame yourself. We will deal with it when it gets to that point.” 

Andrew couldn’t stand it. The look of forgiveness that was eagerly sitting on Neil’s face. The look that said _you’re not a monster. This isn’t your fault._ Andrew didn’t want to deal with it right now.

“Get out,” Andrew said, “I can’t do this with you right now.” 

“Don’t-”

“Go away,” Andrew said, “Crash in Boyd’s room for all I care. I can’t look at you right now.” 

Neil made a strangled noise in the back of his throat. Andrew didn’t bother to look at him to see how he was feeling, he simply buried his face in his hands and willed Neil to listen to him for once. 

“You need to sleep,” Neil said as he stood from the end of the bed and made his way to the door, “Nothing I say is going to change your mind right now. You refuse to believe me when I say that I don’t blame you. All you want is a reason to hurt yourself. We can talk about this when you’ve had more than 2 hours of sleep. Maybe then you’ll actually fucking listen to me for once.” 

Andrew didn’t answer but he didn’t think that Neil wanted him to. He waited until the door to the bedroom opened and then closed before he moved again. He fell back into the bed and covered his eyes with his arm. He would probably hate himself in a few hours, after he’s had some time to sleep and consider what he’d just done. 

_It didn’t have to make sense right now_ , he reminded himself. He was allowed to feel it. To feel overwhelmed, scared, uncertain.

He reached into the back of his connection and found Renee, giving her one solid tug of _come_. 

“What’s wrong?” Renee asked, appearing immediately on the bed beside him, she didn’t touch but she was close enough for Andrew to feel her body heat, “What did you do?” 

“I fucked up,” Andrew breathed out, “I need to sleep. I can’t-”

“I’ll bring you some sleep aid,” Renee said, “I’ll talk to Abby. Will you wait?” 

Andrew lifted his arm off his face and looked to Renee where she sat beside him. The sun was catching the white blonde of her hair and causing a strange halo to surround her. Andrew didn’t deserve her looking over him. Not when she was the human embodiment of an angel. 

“Yeah,” He said, “I don’t have anywhere else to go.” 

Renee nodded and disappeared. Andrew rolled onto his side and pressed his face into the closest pillow. It smelled like Neil. He sucked in a deep calming breath to keep the lingering feeling of falling away. 

It smelled like home.

*  
Andrew had gotten a solid five hours of sleep thanks to Abby’s sleep aids, which he realized when he took them was just extra strength benadryl. They still worked. He had passed out a couple of minutes after taking them. 

Now he felt more alert than he had in the last couple of days but the lingering feeling of electricity under his skin set him on edge immediately. It didn’t matter if he was awake or asleep, it seemed his demons were haunting him always. 

The sun had set and the bedroom was surrounded in darkness. Andrew looked around and let out a soft sigh before sitting up and pushing away the blankets that he had tugged over himself at some point in his sleep. 

He grabbed for his phone and looked over the several text messages from Aaron. 

_**I can’t get there until next week. Just booked flight. [attached screenshot]** _

_**Also why tf did you deposit a $500,000 check into my account??** _

_**R u insane?** _

_**Where did u even get this???** _

_**Andrew!** _

Andrew pointedly ignored the rest of the text messages and looked over the screenshot of Aaron’s ticket and let out a relieved sigh. It was better than nothing, they had enough inhibitors to keep Neil under and as soon as they got their hands on some drugs they would immediately use them on Riko so they had a bit more time before they ran out. 

Andrew shook out his free hand to stop the tingling under his skin. He let out an annoyed groan before he slapped his hand against the side of the bed. All he could feel was pins and needles going up and down his fingers and into his forearm. He tried to ignore it but the feeling of paranoia that was building from the sensation was too much. 

He threw his phone down on the bed without ever replying to Aaron. He stood up and shook out his arms and kicked both of his legs but the feeling didn’t go away. It was like he could still feel the paddles pressed against his chest and surging through his entire body.

He had to talk to Abby. There was no way around it. He wouldn’t be able to go about feeling like this forever, like his nerves had been completely shot to shit and now all he could feel was a lingering numbness and a tingling sensation right underneath his skin. 

Abby was only a trauma nurse. She might not know how to deal with the side effects of prolonged torture and exposure to electricity. It would be even worse if all of this was just a side effect that was lingering in the back of Andrew’s head, if he was imagining the painful goosebumps, if he was thinking the electric current to life. 

Andrew tugged at his hair until he felt more settled. He rummaged through his backpack for a change of clothing. Neil must have brought all of Andrew’s things over for him when they had moved to Paris. 

_Neil._

Andrew pushed it aside. 

He found a pair of old sweatpants and an oversized black hoodie. He changed quickly and pulled the sweater on over his armbands. He didn’t bother taking them off, he needed the extra security right now. The additional weight of the knives close by made him feel more settled.

His phone vibrated loudly from its spot on the bed. Andrew rolled his eyes and leaned over to grab it, looking over the message from Aaron. 

_**Listen, asshole. I know it’s late there or whatever but you can’t just deposit half a million dollars into my account and then say nothing.** _

The three dots at the bottom of the screen told Andrew that his brother wasn’t finished with his lecture yet. 

There were a million things that he would rather do than talk to Aaron about this. Andrew let out an annoyed huff of air and pressed on Aaron’s contact name so he could call him.

Aaron picked up in one ring.

“Andrew,” He started immediately, “What the _fuck_?”

“I don’t understand what the problem is,” Andrew replied, “Just take the fucking money and shut up about it.” 

“Where did you get it?” Aaron asked. 

_A crazy old German man who gave me a job in Berlin to steal diamonds that ended up being a setup where I got shot twice and he felt bad so he gave me half a million dollars._

“I robbed a bank,” Andrew decided to say, “Any other stupid questions?” 

“You understand that if you just deposited blood money into my account-”

“It’s not _blood money_. Jesus Christ, Aaron. You sound like Neil,” Andrew wanted to slap himself for letting that slip.

“Whose, Neil? You know what? Don’t tell me. Spare me the details. Just tell me where you got this much money and why you decided to put it into _my_ account.” 

“How else are you going to pay for school?” Andrew asked, “This was part of the deal.” 

“No it wasn’t,” Aaron said immediately, sounding angry and unsettled, “The deal we made when we first met was broken the moment you met your - whatever you call them - you can’t keep bringing it up.” 

_Right_ , Andrew realized, _This was a deal he had made with himself._

It turned out that those were the most dangerous kind. 

“If it bothers you that much then fucking donate it for all I care,” Andrew retorted, “It’s done.” 

“No we need to talk about this,” Aaron said, “Because clearly you think you still need to look out for me and you really, really don’t fucking need to. What about your life? Why the fuck wouldn’t you keep it for yourself?” 

_And do what with all that money?_

“I don’t need it,” Andrew said, “I donated it towards a good cause.” 

Aaron was quiet for a moment. Andrew just listened to his twin breathe through the phone and let himself sink into it. A softer, better, version of himself. Still an uncouth asshole, but a version of himself that had a chance at life. That wanted to be a doctor and marry his stupid girlfriend and have stupid children with her. Aaron was worth investing in, Andrew thought it was obvious.

“We’re going to talk about this when I get there next week,” Aaron declared, “I don’t care if you want to pretend it didn’t happen. We’re going to talk about the money and then talk about what the fuck you plan on doing with your life.”

_Nothing._

_Nothing._

_Nothing._

“I don’t want anything,” Andrew clarified, “I don’t want to do fucking anything.” 

“Great,” Aaron said, “Sounds healthy. I have to get back to work. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?” 

Andrew grumbled out a barely audible goodbye which was met with a much more pronounced and annoyed, _Talk to you tomorrow_ from Aaron.

Andrew dropped the phone to the bed without even checking if he had hung up. 

It seemed that no one was interested in Andrew’s help. Maybe he should just stop trying. 

_“What are you going to do with yourself?”_

Andrew bit the inside of his lip to keep the image of Neil, close to tears of frustration sitting on the edge of his- _their_ bed, out of his head. 

There was really no way around it anymore. If Aaron didn’t need him, if Nicky didn’t need him, if the _cluster_ didn’t need him- what else was there really?

A soft knock at the door brought Andrew back to the present. He was still hovering next to the bed looking like an out of place black smudge in the mostly gray and white room. 

Andrew walked to the door and threw it open with too much force, causing it to slam against the wall.

Matt’s eyes went wide for a split second before he schooled his expression again. 

“What?” Andrew bit out before Matt said anything. 

“Just wanted to check in,” Matt said, raising his hands in innocence, “I talked to Dan.” 

_Of course._

“Great,” Andrew ground out, “So I’m sure you’re aware of the situation. What do you need from me?” 

Matt sighed and lowered his hands back to his side. “This couldn’t have been an easy decision,” Matt said, voice low, “I know how you feel about using- using _that_ to control the connection.” 

Andrew wanted to say _heroin, Matt. It’s called heroin._ But he controlled himself. He ground his teeth and lifted his chin in a clear invitation for Matt to continue. 

“It isn’t ideal,” Matt explained, “But it might not even be necessary. I just want you to know that Neil will be okay if it has to happen. If there really is no other choice. Neil would be okay.”

“Will he, Matt?” Andrew asked mockingly, “Will he be all hunky-dory if we have to pump him full of opioids? Do you think that’s fair to ask of him?” 

Matt’s face melted substantially. Andrew realized what was happening but he couldn’t stop it. His thoughts, his feelings, he was overflowing into their shared connection. The entire cluster could probably feel Andrew’s apparent paranoia and fear over the entire situation. 

_Fear._

Andrew knew all about fear and right now he was terrified.

“Neil can make his own decisions,” Matt replied, “We can give him a choice. He’s willing to take that risk if he has too. You need to learn to let other people have a say in their own actions, even if it’s self destructive. You can’t control what anyone else does. You should know that by now.” 

Andrew was suddenly faced with the image of a much younger Matt standing in front of him, his eyes frantic and pleading, bags under his eyes, cheeks hollow. 

_”I don’t want to die.”_

Andrew bit the inside of his lip until he could taste blood to keep the memory from taking over his mind. 

“Do you think he could come back from it?” Andrew asked, much calmer than he had been before, “Like you did?” 

“Remember what you asked me? When I told you that I thought that the drugs were going to kill me?” Matt asked. 

Andrew remembered because Andrew remembered everything. 

He remembered Matt’s hollow and terrified face. He remembered the track marks up and down both of Matt’s arms. He remembered the desperation in his voice. 

“I told you to either kill yourself or stop shooting up because you were going to die if you didn’t stop,” Andrew said. 

“And then?” Matt asked, coercing more from him. 

Andrew sighed. “I asked you what you had left to live for.” 

“I think if you asked Neil that question,” Matt said, looking rather pleased with himself, “He would have enough answers to stop you from worrying about him.” 

He hated when the cluster did this to him. Threw his own words back at him. 

“What about you?” Matt asked, looking Andrew over, “What do you have to live for?” 

Andrew twisted his fingers so that his nails could press into the soft inside of his palm. 

He saw Renee smiling at him, he saw Allison teasing him, he saw Seth throwing him the middle finger, he saw Dan asking if he was okay, he saw Neil brushing the hair off of his forehead, he saw Kevin patting him on the shoulder, he saw Wymack telling him to stay safe, he saw Abby worrying herself over his injuries, he saw Aaron handing him a spare key to his apartment in Chicago, he saw Nicky tugging him into a warm hug, he saw Matt standing right in front of him. 

_Oh. When did that happen?_

It turned out to be that Andrew had a lot more to live for than he had previously anticipated. The cluster was more than just something for him to protect. Aaron wanted Andrew to have his own life. Nicky wanted him to be happy. 

He felt the overwhelming realization of it all, as if someone had just thrown a match into the dying brush inside his head. 

He had them. He was never alone. He was never going to be alone again. 

“Well fuck, Boyd,” Andrew said, “I fucking hate when you do things like that.” 

Matt gave him a wide, toothy smirk. “That was the most like you, you’ve sounded since you’ve gotten back. Maybe you should start actually talking about your problems instead of having regular panic attacks alone in your bedroom. By the way, please come get Neil, he’s been moping around for an entire day and I’m sick of it.” 

Andrew let out a huff of air that was filled with vague amusement. Matt’s smile wrapped itself into something more tame before he reached out and placed a warm hand on Andrew’s shoulder. 

Andrew didn’t flinch at the contact. He didn’t even blink. 

“Whatever happens from now on,” Matt proclaimed, “We will _always_ have each other’s backs. No matter what.” 

Andrew nodded. 

Andrew believed him.

*  
Andrew found Neil rather quickly after that. There were only two places for him to go when he was in a foul mood: on a run or to a gym. Since neither were available at the moment, since they couldn’t leave the safehouse, Neil had started running the back stairwell up and down until he felt more settled. 

That’s where Andrew found him. 

He hadn’t gone very far yet, it seemed, there was barely any sweat on his brow when he came to a stop on the second floor landing, looking at Andrew in complete surprise. Neil immediately stopped moving but there was still a lingering vibration in his limbs that Andrew felt to his core.

“Hey,” Neil said softly, looking unsure of himself. 

“Hey,” Andrew said back, feeling just as unsure of himself as Neil looked. 

Andrew shuffled from one foot to the other and shoved his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie. He knew that there were a million and one things that he could say to make this better. But right now, in this moment, Andrew was at a loss.

“I shouldn’t have taken it out on you,” Andrew confessed, the words pouring out as soon as they had started, “I’ve been having issues sleeping. I keep seeing- I don’t know a lot of shit. I see Riko and I see Nathan and sometimes I see you- I just don’t know what to tell you, Neil. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never _wanted_ to do this before. Not until you.

“Do with that what you want. It’s never going to be easy. I’m always going to have ups and downs and sometimes I’ll want to tell you to fuck off and leave me alone and somedays I won’t leave my bed. I’ll never be great at communicating and I’ll definitely never want to talk about my fucking feelings. But, if after knowing all of that. If you still- _fuck_ \- I don’t know, want me. You can have me. All of it. Always.” 

Neil didn’t say anything for a long moment. His lips were slightly parted, and his eyes were wide in surprise. Andrew immediately felt embarrassed by the entire thing. It was stupid. He was stupid.

But Neil was right. 

When all of this was over- when the Moriyamas are a thing of the past. What would Andrew have? His cluster would still be there but Andrew wasn’t sure if they would need or want him in the same capacity if there wasn’t the underlying reason for protection. Aaron didn’t need Andrew anymore, not like he used to. Nicky was finally living a fulfilling life in Germany, married and happy to keep it that way. 

That left Andrew. Alone, left behind, floating in a vat of nothingness that he had placed himself in. 

_This,_ Andrew thought, staring straight into Neil’s blue, blue eyes, _I want this. In any capacity that he’ll give me._

Neil’s mouth closed and his eyes softened but he didn’t smile, he didn’t close the space between them. He opened his mouth and said, “Okay.” 

“Okay?” Andrew replied, confused. 

“Okay,” Neil repeated, “I’ll have you then. All of it. Always. Only if you’ll take me. Scars, nightmares, anxiety, smart mouth, serial killer father, all of it.”

Andrew nodded immediately. It wasn’t a question he needed to think very much about. If Neil had asked him this in the car when they first met, Andrew was sure that he would have agreed to it then as well. 

“All of it,” Andrew said, “I’ll take all of it.” 

Neil’s face bloomed into a full blown smile now, his eyes wrinkling in the corners and _fuck_ Andrew missed that smile so fucking much. 

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Neil said, stepping closer. 

Andrew let himself smile the smallest amount. “Be rude if you didn’t.” 

Neil laughed and Andrew immediately stole it from him, kissing Neil and swallowing his laugh and easy breaths like they were water and Andrew was dying of thirst. 

They could worry about the Moryiamas tomorrow. They could worry about the inhibitors tomorrow. They could worry about Andrew’s condition tomorrow.

Tonight. 

Tonight, Andrew was going to let himself have this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In reference to the chapter warnings: there will be a continued theme of drug abuse for several chapters. I want to give a heads up in case you are not comfortable with this. If you have watched sense8 then you will know that Neil is being given a part of Will’s storyline here. Message me on [tumblr](http://stjosten.tumblr.com) and I can explain it to you in detail if you want to know what the drug use is before continuing. 
> 
> So this chapter was a bit of a roller coaster. I apologize if it was a bit hard to read at some points. Andrew is basically dealing with being tortured and is basically blaming himself for everything that has gone wrong lately. I hope that it's conveyed how much the cluster loves and adores him and that they just want what’s best for him in the end. 
> 
> Also, I updated the rating to Explicit. I don't have any plans to include explicit sexual content but it's gonna get pretty wild in regards to violence, drug use, and death. I swear this has a happy ending!!
> 
> Next chapter we get the inevitable last inhibitor, Aaron and Katelyn, and plans for the future.


	8. Death Doesn't Let You Say Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Drug use, implied/referenced drug addiction, panic attacks, anxiety, aftermath of torture, descriptions of medical problems, Andrew is in pain (sorry), **If you want to skip over the drug use section please look for ** at the start of the section. It isn’t necessarily explicit but it is very clearly a description of drug use. I’m sorry.**

#### Paris - July 10

Andrew and Neil had spent the better part of the week soaking up as much one on one time as they could possibly manage. It was difficult, with the cluster wanting to keep as much of Neil with them as they could before the inevitable last inhibitor ran out, but they managed to spend most nights and early mornings curled into one warm creature under the covers of their shared bed. 

Neil would always wake up first and Andrew would often open his eyes to find Neil's blue, blue staring at him. It wasn’t unsettling, as Andrew thought that it might be, it was comforting. Someone was looking out for him, someone was watching over him, someone that Andrew could keep, _always._

The week had passed in blissful ignorance. Neil pretended that everything was just _fine_ and Andrew pretended that a miracle would happen and they would procure more inhibitors before the last ran out. Both were in denial of the inevitable and the rest of the cluster walked on tiptoes around them because of it. No one wanted to confront the future. The big what if that was hanging over them. 

It turned out that being completely in denial was very much detrimental, because Andrew woke up realizing that he hadn’t mentally prepared himself at all for what was going to come next. So when he opened his eyes to find Neil sat on the edge of the bed, an empty pill container tightly clutched in his hand, he immediately felt both guilty and incredibly unprepared. They had managed to pretend that nothing would ever change, but here they were, staring the biggest change straight in the face.

They didn’t speak. Andrew had simply sat up and wrapped himself around Neil’s back and pressed firm, warm hands against Neil’s chest, directly over his heart, and pressed silent reassurances in the form of closed lips against the back of Neil’s neck. 

It didn’t help. 

Today was going to be a bad day. 

Andrew let Neil pull himself from his arms and walk like a zombie across the room to change. Andrew watched him drop the bottle on the dresser by the far wall, Andrew watched him tug on the largest sweater they owned, Andrew watched him rub his eyes until they were red rimmed, Andrew watched him force a soft, sad smile on his face, and Andrew watched him leave the room. 

Andrew wasn’t the type to cry, not actively, not really, but right now he thought that he could if he thought too much about it. 

Today was going to be a very, very bad day. 

Andrew had given himself a full ten minutes to lay in bed and feel it before getting up. He went about his morning routine as if nothing had changed, he pointedly ignored the empty pill bottle on their dresser, and he pretended that nothing was happening. 

_It’s fine._

It wasn’t fine. Andrew knew this, but he still wanted to pretend for the short amount of time until Neil’s inhibitors wore off that everything was going to be okay. 

It wasn’t working.

Andrew arrived in the kitchen to find the entire cluster huddled around the island looking as lost and ashen as Andrew felt. He noticed that Kevin and Neil were nowhere in sight and gave Renee a questioning glance to which she only shook her head. If anyone could distract Neil it would be Kevin, what with his equally obsessive personality and excessive need to exercise. Andrew was half sure that if he went to the back stairwell he would find Neil running and Kevin yelling at him to go faster. 

“Coffee?” 

Andrew nodded and Renee smiled warmly back at him. There was already a freshly brewed pot in the coffee maker and Andrew watched Renee add the appropriate amount of sugar and cream before handing it over to him. 

The rest of the cluster remained silent, none of them made eye contact, and none of them even dared to breathe too heavy. Andrew wanted to roll his eyes at their strange act of anxiety. He took several sips of his coffee until it became too much. 

“Can you all relax?” Andrew decided to say, “It’s like we’re getting ready to attend a funeral.” 

No one found his comment funny in the slightest. 

In fact no one reacted. 

Andrew gave them all several more moments of complete, awkward silence before he let out a low groan. 

“I can’t believe you’re all taking this so hard,” He said, “You can’t act like this in front of Neil.” 

Matt openly flinched and Andrew wanted to reach across the countertop and slap him until he realized what he was doing.

“Do you think Neil’s going to appreciate this?” Andrew asked them, “I’m serious. You can’t really think that Neil is going to be comfortable with all of you walking on eggshells around him.”

No one said anything. 

Andrew looked to Renee for help. 

Renee cleared her throat in a calm and collected way before saying, “I agree with Andrew. If we act like this in front of Neil we will only make him feel worse.” 

Allison hung her head, the blonde hair cascading across the dark colored countertop. Andrew actively tried to remain calm and not irrationally angry. 

Neil was not the type of person to want or appreciate sympathy like this. Which was probably why he was gone and also probably why he was with Kevin. The only person in the cluster, outside of Andrew, who had absolutely no room or capacity to show a normal range of human emotions was Kevin. If any of them would treat Neil as if nothing had changed then it would be him, who, Andrew realized, probably knew how to deal with this better than they did. Kevin and Neil have known each other their entire lives.

Andrew was suddenly very glad that Neil was probably off running the back stairs instead of in the kitchen. 

“Okay,” Andrew said calmly before saying with a mocking tone, “Let’s all talk about our feelings for one minute and then push that shit aside so that we don’t make Neil feel bad. Ready? Why don’t you start, Renee.” 

Renee gave him an amused look and said, “I am very worried about Neil’s well being. But I’m sure that he can get through this. He is strong and determined.” 

“You can’t be serious?” Allison said, finally looking up, “There is no way someone is just going to come back from this!” 

Andrew nodded his head in mock encouragement. “We’re off to a great start,” He said, “Why don’t you tell us how you’re feeling, Allison?”

“Oh fuck you, Minyard,” Allison shot back at him, her hands curling dangerously tight on the edge of the coutner, “I know you cope with everything by pretending it’s a fucking _joke_ but this is serious. You can’t tell me that you aren’t a little bit fucking worried about Neil.” 

“Of course I’m worried,” Andrew replied, “This isn't fucking ideal. This is the last thing that I would wish on him- fuck, on _any_ of you. But this is the only choice we have. Neil made peace with it, which means you can too. So why don’t you get your heads out of your asses and chipper up before Neil comes in here and sees you acting like a fucking funeral prosession.” 

As soon as Andrew stopped talking there were several taps on the doorframe to the kitchen. Andrew turned to see Wymack hovering just in the entrance with Abby close behind him.

“Don’t stop on our account,” Wymack said, “This is the healthiest I have ever seen you all deal with something.” 

Seth scoffed loudly but there was a slight upturn of his lips that Andrew didn’t miss.

“We can’t just act like this _isn’t_ happening,” Allison said, “We’re out of inhibitors. We had to send Seth and Matt to do a fucking drug deal in the middle of Paris. This is _not_ okay.” 

“I went with them,” Renee said sweetly, “It went fine.” 

“Of course it did,” Seth said, “We’re intimidating dudes.” 

“That’s _not_ the point,” Allison cut in, angrier than Andrew had ever seen her, “The point is that we are keeping heavy duty drugs on hand in a house with two recovering addicts so we can drug a member of our own cluster, who, by the way, is tiny and already a walking disaster! This is _not_ okay. I don’t think we can pretend this is okay!” 

Wymack stepped fully into the room and let out a deep sigh. He looked them all over in one full sweep across the room. Andrew didn’t know what he was seeing when he looked at them. Maybe he saw a bunch of inexperienced children playing a game that they had no business playing. Maybe he saw them all having a perpetual tantrum.

“I know this is not easy,” Wymack said, calm and stern, “It is never easy to see a member of your cluster suffer, but Andrew is right. There is no need to push your anxiety and fear onto Neil right now. He already has enough to deal with, he can’t take on your own guilt as well. Let me make this clear. You all have every right to be upset and scared and worried, but don’t give Neil a death sentence before he has even had the chance to do anything. He will be fine. You will all be fine. Abby and Aaron will start working on replicating the inhibitors and we have Riko to fill in any blanks. This is not forever. We are not stuck here forever. Do you understand?” 

Everyone looked anywhere other than at Wymack. Andrew and Renee were the only ones that kept their eyes carefully trained on the older man. He looked determined and ready to take on any fight that their mess of a cluster presented to him. Andrew was suddenly and painfully thankful for Wymack’s presence. 

“Hello,” Wymack said, waving his hand around, “Do you understand?” 

There were varying replies of yes, yes sir, yeah, and Andrew let out a breath of relief. 

“Just don’t let Neil see you like this,” Wymack said, “It’s okay to be upset but try not to make the kid feel worse. He already walks around here looking like he’s one step away from having a panic attack.” 

“That’s just his default,” Andrew said, “I don’t think anything can change that.” 

“Fine,” Allison said, pointedly ignoring Andrew’s comment, “Just know that I am _not_ okay with this plan.” 

“Duly noted and ignored,” Wymack replied, “Anyone else?”

“Yeah,” Matt said softly, “I think someone else should be responsible for administering the drugs to Neil. Don’t let him do that on his own. It’s a slippery slope- you know?” 

Everyone went quiet at that. Seth, Renee, and Allison all looked to Andrew who only let out a deep sigh and shrugged. 

“Fine,” Andrew said, “I spend the most time with him anyway. I can do it.” 

“Do you think you can handle that?” Abby asked, “That’s a very big thing to ask of you.” 

“What would you prefer?” Andrew asked, “We take fucking turns? No- I’ll do it. End of discussion.” 

He drank as much of his coffee as he could manage without burning his tongue and poured the rest down the drain. “I’m done with this. If I see one person even _try_ to give Neil a pitying look I will cut your nose off. Are we clear?” 

Allison rolled her eyes, Seth flipped him off, Matt nodded, Dan looked slightly offended, and Renee gave him a warm smile. 

_Idiots._

Andrew left the mug in the sink and left the kitchen. Abandoning any further discussion of the topic that was very much going to ruin Andrew’s life for the foreseeable future, maybe forever. 

Guilt was not a familiar emotion. Andrew hadn’t felt bad at any point in his life. He didn’t feel pity, or sympathy. The only emotion that Andrew felt unbidden when confronted with an injustice like this one was anger, and right now Andrew didn’t have room to be angry. 

He had felt guilty the entire week leading up to today. He had felt nothing but worry. 

Today, today he was going to be an impassable rock that Neil could lean on. 

What came after Neil was asleep or passed out, high. Well, those emotions were to be shared with no one but Andrew.

*  
Andrew found Kevin hovering by the first floor landing of the back stairwell, looking worse for wear and slightly sweaty. Andrew wrinkled his nose at him as he got closer. 

“You’re disgusting,” Andrew said, noting the pool of sweat around his collar, “How do you live like this?” 

“It’s called exercise and it’s good for you,” Kevin replied. 

“Yes, but at what cost?” 

Kevin rolled his eyes and looked up expectantly to the stairwell. He shuffled on both of his feet before looking back to Andrew. A clear look of uncertainty on his face. 

“I don’t know how to help him,” Kevin said quietly, motioning toward the stairwell where Neil was most likely running up and down the three flights of stairs in succession, “I can’t tell what he needs.” 

“I think this is enough,” Andrew replied, “Neil copes with his problems by running and hiding. This is as close to that as he can get right now.” 

Kevin nodded but didn’t look sure that the answer was the one that he wanted. Andrew sighed. 

Kevin was never good at expressing himself, or taking care of himself. Which meant that he was absolute shit at helping anyone else. They didn’t have very long with Kevin actively participating in their cluster’s connection, which made building any sort of understanding of Kevin pale in comparison to everyone else’s connection.

Now that he was off the inhibitors it was very clear how Kevin felt at any given moment. He was almost as paranoid and anxious as Neil was most of the time. The emotions that Kevin pushed into their shared connection ranged from nervous, paranoid, to bossy. Right now Kevin was vibrating with uncertainty. He was like a fish out of water. 

The sound of Neil’s shoes hitting the stairs turned Andrew’s attention away from Kevin and back to the topic at hand. Neil came into view a moment later, his hair sticking to his forehead and the sleeves of his sweater were brushed all the way up to his elbows. He took one look at Andrew and came to a halt at the second to last step.

“You okay?” Neil asked immediately, looking only at Andrew and ignoring Kevin completely. 

“Fine,” Andrew replied, “You look nice.” 

“Hah,” Neil said blandly. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, pushing the arrant curls into a mess of wet hair in the process. 

Andrew frowned at him. “Are you done?” 

“Yeah,” Neil said, “I guess. I could probably go again, but-”

“But?” Andrew asked. 

“I’m sure there is something else I can be doing with my time,” Neil said, smirking. 

Andrew tried not to let that spike any heat in the pit of his stomach. It was a fool’s errand. 

Kevin shifted uncomfortably beside them. 

“Oh right,” Neil said, turning to look at Kevin as if he had just remembered he was there, “I think I beat your time, Kev.” 

“No,” Kevin said, “You haven’t hit the last step yet. You _would_ have beat it if you hadn’t stopped to talk.” 

Neil scowled and jumped down to the ground below him. 

“What a fucking technicality,” Neil replied, “I’m still faster than you.” 

Kevin only shrugged, looking rather smug with himself. “Rules are rules.” 

Neil flicked his fingers in Kevin’s direction and Kevin cringed away when he was hit with droplets of sweat. 

“Argh, fuck you, Neil!”

Neil let out a full laugh at that, his eyes crinkling in the corners. 

_Thank god for Kevin._

“If you’re done,” Andrew said, “You should shower and then eat something before you pass out.” 

“Good idea,” Neil replied, then looked at Andrew with a coy smile and said, “Care to join me?” 

“Okay, gross. I get it. I’ll fuck off now,” Kevin said, raising his hands and turning on his heel to stalk off down the hall.

“Bye, Kev!” Neil called, waving at him as he went. He turned his attention back to Andrew and tucked his chin expectantly. 

“I’m not kissing you when you’re covered in sweat,” Andrew replied. Neil sent him a petulant look. 

“Rude.”

Andrew scoffed at him.

Neil seemed to be handling this much better than the others had thought that he would. There was no impending doom written across his face, only cold reassurance that he was in fact _fine_ and would in fact be _fine_ when this was all over.

Neil looked at Andrew as he always looked at him and Andrew looked back. 

“Come on,” Andrew said, “You should shower. I’ll bring something to eat to the bedroom.” 

“You’re not going to join me in the shower?” Neil asked teasingly. 

Andrew was tempted, in fact he was far too tempted to do just that. He almost considered saying, _fuck it, yes._ But he controlled himself. They hadn’t gotten anywhere past needy make out sessions and heavy petting that teetered very close to the line of almost too much. There was a very clear _want_ between them. Neil was willing and eager to give as much of himself as he wanted away to Andrew, and Andrew would take it with open arms, but there was a lingering _no_ right in the back of Andrew’s throat that kept him away. 

He didn’t know what it was. Because, fuck he had thought about it, a lot of times actually. Yet he still wasn’t able to cross the line.

Andrew didn’t want it to be like this. Urgent and chaotic with an expiration date hanging over their head. 

He didn’t know where this new found self control had come from, but he was grateful anyway. 

“Next time,” Andrew said, and he meant it. 

Neil didn’t look disappointed, or hurt, or upset. He smiled and leaned in but stopped just short of Andrew’s lips. The clear question in his eyes sent a warm feeling of adoration straight through Andrew’s chest. He didn’t even care that Neil was gross and sweaty. He leaned in and placed one singular warm kiss against Neil’s lips. 

Neil didn’t linger. He took what he was given and leaned back, a smile bright and blinding on his face. 

“Hey,” Neil said, swaying back and forth, “You kissed me even when I’m gross and sweaty. You must really like me.” 

“Disgusting,” Andrew said petulantly, “You’re the worst. Get away from me.” 

Neil laughed, the laugh that met his eyes, the laugh that was coming more frequent and ready and spilled through Neil’s lips like music, before he turned and went to the stairs to head up to take a shower. 

“Bring me a bowl of kiwi,” Neil said, “I want kiwi.”

“You _hate_ kiwi,” Andrew replied, because he remembered the way Neil looked when he first took a bite of a kiwi. His lips had pursed and his nose had squished up and he said, _Oh, I don’t think I like that at all._

Neil only shrugged in reply. “I’m feeling adventurous.” He turned and went up the stairs without a second word. Andrew watched him disappear before turning away to head back to the kitchen. 

He ended up making them both sandwiches and put together a bowl of sliced kiwis together for Neil. He added strawberries just in case. 

*  
Night came far too quickly and the carefully crafted bubble of false hope had popped. 

Neil had an alarm on Andrew’s phone, set for whenever he needed to take his next dose of inhibitors. The alarm blared far too loudly when Andrew was sitting with Abby in the living room.

They had been in the middle of Andrew’s regular night routine. Abby would hand him a handful of vitamins and a special cream specifically for nerve damage. He would swallow every pill and rub the cream against his still tingling legs, arms, hands, feet, and the back of his neck. He would scowl through the entire process and Abby would give him a calm reassuring look. 

_Nerve damage. Permanent nerve damage._

The usual feeling of _unfairness_ melted into something much more sinister when the alarm started going off. Andrew immediately grabbed his phone, cut the alarm and stared at it for much longer than he should have. He stood from the couch, ignoring that he hadn’t finished applying the cream to half of his leg, and that the tingling under his skin would be practically unbearable tomorrow, and started moving from the room.

Abby stood and followed him, catching his attention with a hand outstretched toward him that never touched. 

“Andrew,” Abby said softly, “Do you want me to do this with you?” 

Andrew looked at her and considered it. He trusted Abby. He trusted her to take care of them, every single one of them, but he couldn’t trust her with this. He couldn’t put this on her. 

“No,” He said with finality, “I can do this.” 

He didn’t wait for a reply. Andrew tucked his phone away and left the room. He went straight to the second floor and knocked on Wymack’s door. The door opened a moment later and Wymack appeared, holding a plastic bag. Andrew didn’t even look at it, he held his hand out and only looked Wymack in the eye. 

“It’ll be alright,” Wymack said, “I promise.” 

It felt like a lie. 

Andrew left him in the doorway without a single word. 

The walk to their bedroom, one that usually left Andrew warm and eager, felt like a walk across the river styx. He felt as if the shadow of a reaper was hovering over him and with each step he felt just a bit closer to the tip of a scythe.

Neil was waiting in the bedroom when he arrived. Andrew closed the door behind him as he entered. Neil didn’t move. He didn’t tense, didn’t turn to acknowledge Andrew’s presence. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from the door, his head in his hands, his elbows on his knees, his body tight and tense and stretched like an elastic band. 

Andrew let out a slow, grounding breath and walked the short distance to the other side of the bed. He didn’t sit down beside Neil, he lowered himself to the ground between his knees and looked up, waiting for Neil to acknowledge him. 

There was a wetness to Neil’s cheeks that told Andrew that he had been crying. Tears of sadness or frustration, Andrew didn’t know. They were there either way. 

Andrew reached up, slowly, so slowly, so Neil could pull away if he needed to, and pressed his thumbs against the wet underside of Neil’s eyes. He brushed away the stray tears and took Neil’s face into his hands.

Neil went willingly. He looked at him with watery blue eyes. The uneven gusts of air escaping his lips were too much. Andrew closed his eyes and took a steady breath before opening them again, looking right at Neil, into Neil, through Neil. He looked at him as Neil always looked at him. He _saw_ him. 

“I’ve got you,” Andrew whispered, his voice low and soft and unfamiliar to his own ears. Neil let out a slow, wet breath, and nodded. He turned his face into Andrew’s hand and nuzzled there for one second, two, and then three. 

“I hate this,” Neil choked out. 

Andrew felt every word like a knife in the gut. 

“I’m sorry,” Andrew whispered, “I’m so fucking sorry.” 

Neil huffed out a breath and leaned his forehead against Andrew’s, like he always did, and sighed into the space between them. 

Andrew swallowed it. He took every breath, every stray fear, every piece of Neil’s anxiety and he pocketed it. He stole it from him so that Neil could be free from it. 

“Okay?” Andrew asked, “Are you ready?” 

Neil nodded in his hands. 

He didn’t look ready. 

Andrew didn’t feel ready. 

Andrew sat up and pressed a warm kiss to Neil’s forehead before pulling away completely. He released Neil’s face and stood up, going to the dresser with his back turned to Neil’s. 

**They didn’t speak. Andrew prepped the drugs in complete silence. He did exactly as Matt had told him to. When the syringe was ready he let out a low steadying breath and walked across the small space back to Neil. 

Neil’s eyes were pressed close. He didn’t look as Andrew took his arm, he didn’t look when Andrew tied an elastic above the crook of his elbow. 

He nodded once and Andrew did it. 

Neil let out an exhale and then opened his eyes to look at Andrew. 

“It’s okay,” Andrew whispered, “I’ve got you.” 

“Always?” 

“Always. _Always_ , Neil. Always.” 

Neil let out a soul crushing breath, that sounded dangerously close to a sob.

Andrew discarded the syringe, removed the elastic, and moved to sit on the bed with Neil.

Neil fell willingly into his chest. Andrew let out a warm breath against the top of Neil’s head. 

He held him until he passed out. 

Andrew felt like he was falling.**

*

#### Paris - July 11

Aaron and Katelyn were due to arrive at any minute and Andrew couldn’t seem to pull himself away from Neil’s prone form on the bed in front of him. He was hovering, like a strange sentry at post, at the edge of the bed, his hands at his sides, watching as Neil slept in a drug induced daze. 

He hated this, he hated this, he hated this. 

They had blocked the windows and hid anything that could indicate their location from the room. The drugs worked, they kept the connection at bay, but it was also inconsistent. There was no way of knowing when they would wear off, not when Neil’s body was still adjusting to it all. Matt said it was several hours and that as long as Neil was asleep it wouldn’t be a problem. 

It still felt like a fucking problem.

Andrew didn’t want Nathan rearing his ugly fucking face in the middle of this. He wanted to keep Neil in a tight cocoon of safety as long as he could. Andrew was protective, protective and loyal and definitely pissed off at this entire situation. 

If Wymack hadn’t started locking the basement and holding onto the key, in retaliation for what Andrew did to Riko last week, Andrew would go down to the basement and take out some of his aggression on Riko’s face. 

He had to face his brother like this. He had to look his brother in the face. His brother, who Andrew had once forced into withdrawals in the bathroom of their mother’s house. Aaron would see Neil like this and look at Andrew like he did when he couldn’t believe that Andrew was such a monster. 

_A monster. A monster. A monster._

Renee’s calm presence was almost immediate. Andrew turned to find her hovering beside him, her eyes on Neil. 

“Is he okay?” She asked, looking over Neil’s half-conscious body on the bed. 

“Yeah,” Andrew said quietly. But he didn’t think that Neil would ever be okay again. 

“Aaron’s here,” Renee said, “So is Katelyn.” 

“Fucking, yippee,” Andrew replied dryly. He kept his eyes on Neil as Renee hovered beside him. Silent and unwavering. 

“You should come down,” She said, “Aaron doesn’t particularly trust or like us.” 

Andrew nodded but didn’t move. His body was only focused on Neil, like a magnet. 

“I’ll come take over,” Renee said softly, “If you want.” 

“No,” Andrew replied, shaking his head, “Let him sleep.” 

Andrew moved. The tingling immediately shot through his legs. He let out an annoyed huff of air and shook out both of his tingling limbs, kicking several times to get the blood flowing again. 

“Do you want me to tell Abby you need more cream?” Renee asked.

“No,” Andrew replied, “Not yet.” 

He shook out his left foot once more until his toes didn’t feel like electric landmines. “I’ll be right down,” Andrew said as a dismissal. Renee took it for what it was and disappeared. 

Andrew gave himself a few more moments of staring at Neil before he turned on his heel and left the bedroom. He went down the stairs and arrived in the living room just in time to see Allison fawning over Katelyn’s bright strawberry blonde hair. 

“Is this _natural_?” Allison asked, shocked, “God you’re so fucking lucky.” 

Katelyn let out a laugh and Andrew tried not to look annoyed at the sound of it. 

“It is,” Katelyn replied, she caught sight of Andrew and immediately stiffened. She tried her best to look welcoming but Andrew saw the truth behind her look. 

_Monster._

“Andrew!” Allison said, catching sight of him, “I had no idea your brother had such good taste in women! I mean look at her!” 

Andrew chose not to reply. He walked further into the room and looked around until he found what he was looking for. 

Aaron stood against the large set of windows and looked exactly as Andrew remembered him looking. Soft around the edges, hair shorter than Andrew’s and cut tight around his head and ears. Aaron and Abby must have been talking to each other but quickly stopped as soon as Andrew had entered the room. Aaron’s entire body was turned and looking directly at Andrew. 

“Hey,” Aaron said quietly, but Andrew heard it, because he always heard Aaron.

Andrew nodded as a way of greeting. Aaron gave him a questioning look that said _what’s wrong?_ Andrew gave him a look back that said, _later._

“You sure he’s not a sensate?” Matt asked from across the room, “Y'all just had a silent conversation with _only_ your eyes.” 

Aaron rolled his eyes in response and Seth let out a laugh. 

“Holy shit,” Seth said, “When Aaron rolls his eyes I can _really_ see the resemblance.” 

“I hate you all,” Andrew replied, but he didn’t really mean it. They all seemed to know because soon they were all pushing their own versions of _love_ into their shared connection. Andrew didn’t cringe away like he normally would. The warmth was surprisingly welcome after everything that has happened. 

Aaron walked over toward Andrew and raised a fist in offering. Andrew raised his own and knocked their fists together before dropping his hand. Seth let out an exaggerated gasp and Andrew turned to flip him off the same time Aaron sent him a glare. 

“I can’t,” Seth said between laughter, “You’re actually acting like twins.” 

“Gross,” Andrew said at the same time Aaron said, “Shut up.” 

“You need to work on your synchronicity,” Allison chided, “And maybe stick to one come back.” 

Andrew didn’t dignify that with a reply. He looked back to Aaron who seemed to have the same idea. They stared at each other for a moment. A silent conversation of. 

_Good to see you. Glad you aren’t dead._

They never shared many words when they were in the same room together. Aaron was quiet in his own right, but always had enough confidence to tell anyone off on a whim. Andrew only talked to his cluster and kept everyone else in a careful pit of silence unless absolutely necessary. Luckily they didn’t always need words to communicate. They knew the other’s tells well enough. 

“Want to tell me why you forced us to take time off work and the internship to come all the way to Paris?” Aaron asked, looking at Andrew expectantly. 

“We need you to recreate a drug that isn’t sold anywhere else,” Andrew replied immediately, “We need it as soon as fucking possible.” 

Aaron quirked his eyebrows ever so slightly, a clear sign that he was interested. Katelyn also immediately perked up, she stepped into their space quickly and without the same hesitation that she often showed Andrew’s presence. 

“What is it for?” She asked, her eyes bright and eager. 

Andrew looked to Aaron in a clear question. 

He didn’t know how much Aaron had decided to explain to Katelyn about Andrew or the cluster. It wasn’t something that could be easily explained to an outsider. From the look on Aaron’s face it was clear that he hadn’t tried to explain anything.

Andrew’s fingers started to tingle. He ignored them.

“Well,” Andrew said, looking between Katelyn and Aaron, “This will be a fun conversation.”

“Wait. First,” Matt cut in, “Is someone with Neil?” 

Andrew looked over to him, “No. He’s sleeping.” 

Matt let out a sigh and stood up from the couch. “Okay. I’ll go watch him.” 

“Don’t,” Andrew replied immediately. He had left the drugs out and in the open on the dresser in their bedroom. He knew Matt wouldn’t be tempted, but he wasn’t willing to risk it. 

Matt gave him a questioning look but raised his arms in defeat. 

“Kevin?” Matt called, looking around the room. A moment later Kevin appeared, visiting from somewhere else in the house.

“What?” Kevin asked, sounding annoyed. Matt scoffed at him, “Go hang out with Neil, buddy. He can’t be alone right now.” Kevin groaned but didn’t argue. He disappeared a second later, hopefully going to do what he was told. Andrew didn’t look away from Katelyn and Aaron as the two interacted. He watched as Katelyn looked slightly curious to confused to concerned. 

She opened her mouth to say something but quickly closed it when she saw the look on Andrew’s face. 

“I’m guessing this drug you want us to replicate is for Neil?” Aaron asked, always the perceptive one. 

“Yes,” Andrew replied immediately, “Like I said, as soon as possible.” 

“But what is it for?” Katelyn asked, “We can’t really help if we don’t know.” 

Abby took that moment to rush toward her medical bag. She pulled out a small baggie with three inhibitors that she had taken from Neil just a few days before. Andrew was still angry about it but he understood why Abby had to take them away from Neil. There was no way that the three of them could replicate inhibitors from nothing. 

Abby handed the small bag over to Aaron, who took them willingly and without question. He held the bag up and looked at the small black capsules.

“Do you have any idea what the ingredients are?” Aaron asked. Abby shook her head. 

“I haven’t even opened them up,” She said, “I was waiting for you both to get here. I worked as a trauma nurse, this is very much out of my element.”

Aaron nodded. He handed the baggy off to Katelyn who immediately opened it and started poking around the small capsules.

“Interesting,” Katelyn whispered, clearly lost in her own thoughts. She took one between her finger and thumb and gave them a slight shake. She hummed before dropping the capsule back into the bag. Andrew watched her but had really no clue what the fuck she was thinking. He tried not to think about Katelyn too much, she was excitable and exhausting and Andrew could barely stand her on a good day. 

Today was not a good day. Andrew was already rubbed raw from watching Neil suffer. Too much of this and he might snap.

“So-” Katelyn said, pulling the o out for far too long. She looked between Andrew and Abby expectantly, clearly wanting an answer to her previous question. 

“I really don’t know how to explain this to her,” Andrew said, looking at Aaron, “Would you like to do the honors?” 

Aaron looked between Andrew, the bag, Katelyn, Abby, and then back to Andrew. 

“Wait,” Aaron said, taking the bag from Katelyn’s hands, “These are for _that_?”

“It blocks the connection,” Abby explained, “Sort of blocks the entire system from working.” 

Aaron’s face loosened and he looked at the bag in clear interest. 

“How is that possible?” He asked, looking at Abby expectantly. 

“Well,” Abby said, “It’s very complicated but, whatever they put in here blocks the part of the brain that triggers the sensate connection. Makes a sensate a regular person.” 

“I’m sorry,” Katelyn said, butting in, “A what?”

They all turned to look at Katelyn, the only odd one out. 

“So,” Aaron said but didn’t continue. He looked out of his element and Andrew was getting sick of them wasting so much time. 

“Sensate, a homosensorium, a close relative to humans that can connect with other homosensoriums telepathically. Do you follow?” Andrew asked, snapping his fingers in her face, ripping the band aid off. 

Katelyn opened her mouth and closed it several times before she eagerly nodded. 

“And you’re?” She asked, pointing at Andrew. He nodded. She looked around the room and examined the other occupants. Matt, Seth, Renee, Allison, Dan, all standing or sitting awkwardly around them. “All of you?” They nodded. 

“Holy shit,” She whispered, “Wait- if - does that mean-? Wait- Can you show me?” 

Andrew considered her a moment and nodded. He motioned for Renee to come over to him. She stepped over and stopped beside him. Andrew waved in her direction, signaling her to take over. Andrew was never very good at the welcome wagon bullshit. Not like Dan, Matt, and Renee. 

“So we’re part of a cluster,” Renee said, signaling to everyone in the room, “Including Kevin and Neil who aren’t here right now. We share everything. Thoughts, feelings, knowledge, we can visit each other and take over for each other.” 

Katelyn looked shell-shocked but remained quiet and nodded at all the right moments. Renee smiled sweetly and continued. 

“Which means that if you write something on a piece of paper and show only me. Andrew would be able to see it in the other room,” Renee said softly. 

Katelyn looked between the two of them and nodded. “Let’s do that.” 

Andrew turned on his heel and walked out, not waiting for the queue. He immediately visited Renee and watched her give Katelyn a piece of paper from Dan’s desk and a pen. 

“Okay so write whatever you want down,” Renee explained, “Only show me.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes. 

“I hate having to do this,” He said, directing it towards the rest of the cluster, “I feel like I’m part of a magic trick.” 

Seth snorted but quickly covered his mouth and waved at Renee in lieu of a verbal apology.

Andrew considered going to visit Kevin and checking on Neil but was quickly distracted by Katelyn handing Renee a piece of paper. 

_Penguin_ was written in a neat curly font on the center of the paper. Andrew rolled his eyes and disappeared, returning back to himself just a room over. 

He didn’t wait long to walk back in and say, “Penguin.” 

Katelyn looked at him with wide eyes before a smile grew across her face. 

“Oh my god,” She said, Andrew felt his blood boil, “That’s amazing. I can’t believe it! You’re actually serious. I want to know everything about it. This is incredible.” 

Andrew blocked her out. Instead he watched the warm smile spread across Aaron’s face as he watched his girlfriend excitedly chatter about. Andrew wondered if Aaron knew what a love sick puppy he was. He assumed yes, otherwise Aaron wouldn’t have gone all the way to Chicago for school to follow her. 

_Disgusting._

Andrew realized he probably wasn’t much better. If Neil said that he was going to up and move to Iceland Andrew would probably follow without a second thought. He pushed the thought away. 

“So you want us to replicate these pills,” Aaron said, bringing Andrew’s attention back, “So that a member of your cluster will stay disconnected. Why?” 

“Because he made contact with someone we need to keep the fuck away from him,” Andrew replied, “That’s as much as I’m going to tell you. In fact, that’s as much as _any_ of us are going to tell you. Understand?” 

Aaron nodded without hesitation. He understood secrets, it made Andrew feel marginally better. 

“You really can’t buy more?” Aaron asked. Andrew shook his head. 

“The supplier has cut off sales,” Abby replied, “We can’t get them on the black market either. The only option is to recreate them.” 

“What alternative are you using in the meantime?” Katelyn asked, “Is there an alternative?” 

_Alternative._

“Opioids,” Andrew replied honestly, “Has the same effect.” 

Aaron looked at Andrew with wide eyes. A look that Andrew was expecting, preparing for, even. He knew that Aaron would judge him for that decision. Fuck Andrew was judging himself.

_Guilt. It’s guilt._

Katelyn took it with stride. “Maybe it’s something to do with the neuro pathways then,” she said, “Easy enough. We can take a look and see what we can do. I can have a sample sent to the lab back home and have them take a look as well. Is that okay?” 

Andrew considered this. He didn’t know if the company Katelyn’s parents owned had connections to the Moriyamas. 

“This is going to require a lot of discretion,” Renee said, “Can they do it without asking questions?” 

“Oh, yes!” Katelyn replied quickly, “I know someone in the lab. He won’t ask questions. He’s a bit- sketchy himself. No worries!” She looked around the room at the other’s expectantly before adding. “I swear.” 

Renee nodded. “If you’re sure.” 

Andrew didn’t feel good about it. But they didn’t have much of a choice. He would have to put his faith into a person that he barely trusted with his brother.

There was no chance to question the idea because soon Kevin was appearing in the room looking frantic. 

“He’s up,” Kevin said, looking directly at Andrew, “He’s freaking out and asking for you.” 

Andrew didn’t need to be told twice. He turned on his heel and left the room in a rush. He heard someone call his name but he ignored it. He rushed up the stairs and didn’t notice that Aaron was following him until he got to the bedroom door. 

He shot Aaron an apprehensive look but didn’t question him. He threw the door open to find Kevin leaning over a distressed Neil, who was breathing heavily and sweating, curled in a ball on the bed. 

Kevin looked relieved at Andrew’s entrance. He turned back to Neil and said, “Neil. Andrew’s here. Okay?” 

Andrew walked straight to the bed and sat down, leaning toward Neil’s curled form. 

“Hey,” Andrew whispered, raising his hand and pushing aside the mess of hair that had settled over Neil’s forehead. “I’m here. It’s okay.”

Neil opened his eyes and looked to Andrew. His pupils had nearly eaten away at the blue that Andrew was so accustomed to. Andrew tried not to react but he couldn’t stop the sharp intake of breath. He hated this. He hated this. He hated this. 

“Drew?” Neil asked, voice groggy and slurred. 

“Yeah,” Andrew whispered, leaning over and placing his lips right over Neil’s ear, “I’m here, Abram. I’m here.” 

Neil shivered and scooted closer, curling himself into Andrew’s lap and immediately closing his eyes again. The shaking subsided slowly, and Andrew sat there simply running his fingers through Neil’s hair. 

Kevin was still hovering by the end of the bed, he looked on edge and clearly uncomfortable. 

“You can go,” Andrew said, “I’ll stay.” 

Kevin nodded and immediately turned to leave, passing Aaron as he left. 

Andrew didn’t remove his hands from Neil’s hair as he looked at his twin in a silent challenge to say something. Aaron didn’t speak. He closed the door after Kevin and walked further into the room. He sat on the bed and looked over Neil. 

“Is he high?” Aaron asked. Neil made no reaction to the sound, Andrew realized that he was passed out again, his fingers clenching tightly at the edge of Andrew’s shirt. 

Andrew only nodded, not trusting himself to sound calm or controlled when he spoke. 

“When was the last dose?” Aaron asked.

“This morning,” Andrew replied. 

“Is he eating? Drinking? Have you been giving him any nutrients at all?” 

Andrew lifted a single eyebrow but his expression said enough. Aaron looked disapproving. 

“You can’t just drug him and leave him here,” Aaron said, “You’ll kill him if you don’t take care of the rest of him.” 

Aaron looked over to the dresser and immediately stood. He looked over the contents of the small baggie that Andrew had left there before letting out a hard sigh. A sigh that sounded like half of Aaron’s soul had left his body. 

“I’ll go to the store,” Aaron said, “I can get supplements and vitamins and some fucking baby food or something. I’ll make a list.”

He turned back to face Andrew then. His expression was unreadable. Andrew suddenly felt like his brother was a complete stranger, but that wasn’t odd. They hadn’t known each other for very long really, what was 8 years when you’ve had six strangers, now seven, sharing your entire subconscious. 

Aaron rubbed at his face with his hand, a gesture that Andrew sometimes often mirrored when he was trying to calm himself down. Aaron hesitated a moment longer before returning to the side of the bed. 

Andrew left a protective hand over Neil’s face, shielding him from Aaron, the bedroom, the world. Aaron didn’t comment. 

“Do you love him?” Aaron asked suddenly. Andrew felt something tighten in his chest and then release all at once. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say to that. 

Andrew had never loved anything before. He didn’t know if he knew how to. But now, with Neil curled in his arm, with the very real thought that this could end at any moment, he felt that he was standing dangerously close to an edge he hadn’t realized he was stepping towards. 

If he wasn’t careful he would fall right over. 

Fuck - he thought he might already have. 

_Fuck._

“Fuck,” Aaron said softly, repeating Andrew’s thoughts back to him like a half timed echo. Andrew could only stare at him. 

“Okay,” Aaron said suddenly, “Okay. I’ll see what I can do.” 

Andrew nodded. 

He was going to have to learn to trust someone else with Neil’s safety. Maybe just this once. 

Aaron made his way around the bed and toward the door. Andrew watched him, his eyes scanning for any sign of discomfort or anger. There was none. Only a strong resolve and tension in his shoulders that didn’t come from being afraid or nervous. Determination was written across Aaron’s entire body. 

“I’ll be back in a few hours to check his vitals,” Aaron replied, “If he wakes up you should try and get him to eat something and drink some water. If he refuses we might need to get our hands on an IV or something.” 

“Okay,” Andrew replied, his voice sounding hoarse and foreign to his ears. 

“Good,” Aaron said, “Just-” He paused, took in a breath and said, “Don’t worry. We’re here now.” 

With that he left the room and closed the door. Andrew ran his fingers through Neil’s hair and brushed a gentle line across Neil’s forehead, between his eyebrows, down to his cheek, and back. Neil let out a soft and slow sigh against Andrew’s thigh. 

Andrew let himself soak in the sound.

“Hear that, Neil?” Andrew asked softly, a whisper of words that were so low Andrew could barely hear himself, “We’re going to be okay.” 

He leaned back against the headboard and pulled Neil a bit closer. 

“We’ll be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again really, really sorry about the drug abuse. I hate it. A lot. But it is a big part of the sense8 plot and I really wanted to play with it here.
> 
> I also want to say that I didn’t forget about Riko in the basement. He’s just not important right now so he can fuckin chill ‘till we get to him next chapter. So yeah. Let Riko stay in the basement. He deserves it. 
> 
> Next Chapter features: Neil angst, quality time with Riko, hard drive finally unlocked, and some Aaron and Andrew bonding. 
> 
> Come scream at me on [Tumblr](http://stjosten.tumblr.com) if you want or whatever.


	9. W.W.M.H.D?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: Drug use, threats of violence, mentions of drug abuse, homophobic language, implied/referenced past drug addiction, implied/referenced child abuse, violence, Riko gets the snot kicked out of him (not sorry), blood, bodily harm, implied/referenced torture

#### Paris, France - July 15

Neil woke up and felt like he was floating. There was no other way to describe the listless feeling in his limbs and in the back of his head. A familiar buzzing, tingling sensation was taking over, a feeling that he was familiar with when he first came off of his inhibitors. 

What was once an unsettling feeling was warm and welcome in the early morning hours. Neil could pretend, just for a little while, that he was okay, that everything was normal, and that he could wake up without having to immediately be drugged back into a delusional state. 

Andrew was still asleep beside him, warm and flushed from sleeping under too many blankets. Neil wanted to reach out and brush the soft tangle of blonde hair away from his forehead. Neil also knew better than to try and touch Andrew when he was sleeping. 

So Neil settled for watching him. His chest rose and fell in deep, slow, even breaths. Neil tried to match them but quickly gave up when he felt a spike of anxiety in his chest. Instead, he watched the easy puffs of air filter through Andrew’s slightly parted lips. 

_What he wouldn’t give to breathe the air Andrew breathes._

He shifted ever slightly closer, keeping his hands to himself and his eyes wide open and watchful over Andrew’s sleeping form. 

_Alive._

Alive and breathing and warm and flushed, laying straight across from him. Laying far too close in the large king sized bed. Neil curled his hand into the sheets between them and pretended that the soft bedding was Andrew’s soft pale hair. 

Neil felt tethered. 

There was something for him here. Something for him to keep, something that made him feel real. 

It was almost enough to keep Neil’s mind away from his harrowing sobriety. Almost. 

There was no telling what time it was. Neil had spent an indiscernible amount of time sleeping, drugged, high, worn, flipping back and forth between awake and unconscious. He didn’t care what time it was when he was asleep. He didn’t care what day it was when he was standing on the edge of a drug induced haze. 

He wished he knew how much time had passed since the first hit. He wanted to know if he was any closer to freedom. 

The tingling in the back of his head started to amplify. His limbs felt weak and heavy, like there was a pile of concrete crushing him. Neil wanted to open his mouth and whisper Andrew’s name but his throat was dry and he was unwilling to disturb the complete serenity surrounding them. 

_Just a bit longer,_ He begged the universe, _Just let me have this._

He couldn’t have anything, not really. 

That was the danger of wanting. As soon as Neil was given what he wanted it was quickly ripped away. 

“ _Nathaniel_.” 

Neil closed his eyes and willed the voice of his father to cease. If he tried hard enough he could pretend that Nathan wasn’t really there. That he had never been there. He could pretend that they were safe. 

It didn’t work.

“I didn’t know you were a faggot, Nathaniel,” Nathan said, Neil forced his eyes to open so he could watch his father pace across the bedroom, “You continue to disappoint me.” 

Nathan was as intimidating visiting as he was in person. He was a tall, looming figure in the back of Neil’s mind. A carbon copy of Neil except taller, wider, angrier. 

Neil felt the phantom pain of his father pushing a knife across his skin, he felt the phantom pain of his father hitting him so hard that he saw stars. Neil closed his eyes and willed it to _stop._

“You can’t hide from me, Nathaniel,” His father said, looming over the edge of the bed, his shadow was a curling beast surrounding Neil and Andrew’s sleeping form, “I _will_ find you and when I do I will make you pay for everything you and your whore mother ever took from me. Where is sweet Mary anyway? I think I owe her some one on one time.” 

Neil pressed his eyes closed. He felt like he did when he was just 10 years old, small, weak, insignificant, unable to fight back against his father’s harsh hands and harsh words. 

He wished he could have been different. Neil wished that he could stand up to his father for once. Just once.

“Don’t tell me she’s dead?” Nathan asked, “That’s disappointing. I had so much planned for her. I was going to skin you alive and make her watch. You always were her weak spot. You’re the reason she took all of that money and left, you know? She said I was too _hard_ on you. I told her that you needed to man up, that I could make you into a strong hunter just like me. But did she listen? No. Sweet, sweet, Nathaniel, too soft to follow in his father’s footsteps.” 

Neil was very close to having enough. He covered his ears with his hands, he shoved his face into his pillow. 

_He begged. He begged._

“If she’s gone then maybe we can change the plan. How would you like to see me skin your little fucking boyfriend alive right in front of you, hm? Maybe the rest of your shit cluster too. We can make it a party.” 

Neil let out a low whimper.

Andrew stirred beside him. 

“No,” Neil whispered, “No, no, no, no, no.”

“Neil?” Andrew’s voice was low and groggy from sleep, “Neil, what is it?” 

“He’s here,” Neil choked out, his voice sounding far away, “Please-” 

Andrew was up and out of bed before Neil could finish speaking. Nathan leaned over him. Neil could feel his breath warm against his face. 

“I’m going to kill you,” Nathan promised, “I’m going to kill you and I’m going to love every single fucking second of it.” 

The bed shifted behind him and Neil let out a low whine and curled away, fearing that his father had fully manifested into the bedroom and was really going to kill him. 

“Shh,” Andrew’s low voice said, his hands warm against Neil’s shoulder. Neil let the tension melt away at the touch. “You need to turn over for me, okay?” 

Neil nodded and Andrew pulled him and rolled him onto his back.

“Don’t look,” Andrew whispered. Neil nodded and pressed his forehead into Andrew’s thigh. There was a single prick of a needle in his arm and then nothing. 

He could still hear the ghost of his father, but when he opened his eyes the figure was gone and the familiar feeling of weightlessness was taking over. 

“Rest,” Andrew said, soft and gentle. He wrapped an arm around Neil’s back and lifted him until Neil was leaning completely against Andrew’s side. “Go to sleep. I have you.” 

_Thank you. Thank you. Thank you._

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

Neil fell straight into darkness. 

*

#### Paris - July 15

Andrew was frustrated, and rightly so. Being woken up by the sound of Neil begging and whispering harsh _nos_ and _please_ was both triggering and surreal. He hadn’t had time at that moment to really register what had happened, but as soon as Neil was unconscious again, tucked in his arms, letting out a hushed, _thank you. I love you,_ Andrew had sat there with his arms and legs shaking, feeling the gravity of the entire situation. 

_Neil._

Smart mouthed, deadly, Neil, rendered completely useless and sobbing when confronted with his Father. 

Andrew was angry beyond words. He wanted to rip every single member of BPO apart and then put them back together so he could do it all over again. So when Wymack came to ask him if he wanted to interrogate Riko and drug him, Andrew jumped at the opportunity. He wanted to hurt someone, might as well have it be useful.

Renee took over watching Neil, saying something along the lines of _I’ll let you know if something happens_ , but Andrew barely registered it, and Andrew went off immediately to the first floor. 

Dan and Matt were in the living room hovering over her computer setup. They both gave Andrew matching sympathetic looks, which he pointedly ignored, before looking away. He passed the dining room and stuck his head in to see Katelyn and Aaron shifting around their make-shift lab. 

They weren’t any closer to replicating the inhibitors as they had been a few days prior. Katelyn sent out the sample to the lab and they were impatiently waiting for the results to come back. Katelyn had said it would be easy enough to get the ingredients together, they just had to figure out what the ingredients were. 

Aaron had looked up from where he was looking, caught eyes with Andrew and nodded in a way of greeting. Andrew could only nod back before turning to leave.

Seth was waiting for him at the entrance to the basement, Wymack’s key and a prepped syringe in hand. 

“Sup?” Seth asked as Andrew approached him. Andrew only shrugged. 

“Not in the talking mood?” Seth asked, he handed the syringe off to Andrew and turned to unlock the basement door, “That’s cool. You can do all the hitting and I’ll do all of the talking. As per usual.” 

That was the plan. Andrew had no words for Riko anyway. He wasn’t silver tongued like Neil or Seth or Aaron. It was easier for him to get his point across with his fists. 

“Wymack wants us to figure out what BPO is planning,” Seth explained, holding the door open but not stepping down the stairs, “Dan finished downloading and analyzing the hard drive. She’s going to show it to us later. For now, we should try and get as much information out of dear Riko as we can. Sound good?” 

“Yeah,” Andrew bit out. He waited impatiently for Seth to start moving. His hands and feet were tingling painfully, as they often did when he woke up in the morning. He cracked every finger with his thumb and shifted from one foot to the other to try and off set the tingling sensation. 

“You good?” Seth asked, looking him over. 

“I’m good,” Andrew said, “Can we hurry the fuck up.”

Seth gave him a quizzical look but didn’t question him further. _Thank fuck_. He reached out and took the syringe back from Andrew before starting down the stairs into the basement, Andrew quickly followed. 

The basement was dark, dank, and smelt like something moldy and probably very bad for his lungs. It wasn’t well lit and there was a lingering wetness that Andrew couldn’t put his finger on. It was the perfect place to keep someone unpleasant.

Riko was sitting in the very center of the room, his back facing the stairs, tied at the wrists and ankles to an old metal chair. A single naked light bulb swayed vicariously above his head, casting the entire room in a haunting dance of light and shadows. 

Andrew shook out his left hand in anticipation. 

“Okay,” Seth said loudly, Riko flinched minutely and tried to look over his shoulder at them, “Bro! I told you before, face forward.” 

Riko turned and faced forward but let out an annoyed growl from the back of his throat. Andrew was slightly amused at the sight of him, like a caged animal. 

No one else in the cluster would look Riko in the eye, they didn’t want to deal with any repercussions in case they ever ended up giving Riko back to BPO or if he ever escaped. Andrew had no such fear, he had already looked Riko dead in the eye, an act of defiance when he was being tortured in that fucking BPO facility. Now he took great pleasure in being the only one that could walk around Riko like a large cat hunting its prey. 

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Seth said from the bottom of the stairs, Andrew started his low circle around Riko. Riko’s eyes followed him the entire way, his face curled into an ill attempt at looking intimidating. It came across looking more defiant and petulant, especially with his barely healed split lip and bruises across his face from Andrew’s careful ministrations last week. 

“You’re going to answer some of our questions,” Seth continued, ignoring the way Andrew reached out and took a hold of Riko’s chin with a firm grip, “And if we don’t like your answer, Andrew here is going to beat the ever loving shit out of you. Got it?” 

Riko didn’t reply. Andrew released his hold on his chin and gave a generous tap against the yellowing bruise under Riko’s eye. Riko immediately flinched away from the contact, letting out a low curse under his breath.

“Use your words,” Andrew said, “I won’t ask twice.” 

Andrew sparred a glance over Riko’s head to Seth, who gave him a supportive thumbs up. Andrew rolled his eyes and slapped Riko again because he felt like it.

“Fuck!” Riko cursed, tilting his head as far away from Andrew as he could possibly get when tied down. “Fine!” 

“Great,” Andrew replied, he signaled to Seth to keep going, “Continue.” 

“Why is BPO targeting our cluster?” Seth asked, “I would answer honestly. Andrew’s feeling a bit antsy today. You don’t wanna lose any teeth.” 

“Your cluster is a nuisance,” Riko replied, glaring obscenely at Andrew, “Sticking your nose into BPO business. You’re a problem and we are planning to get rid of you.” 

“What about the other clusters BPO has been hunting and hacking to bits? Why them?” 

Riko let out a low laugh and Andrew hated the sound of it so much that he took a firm grip of Riko’s hair and pulled his head firmly back, there was a resounding crack around the room. Riko let out a pained noise and Andrew relished in it more than he should have. 

_Monster._

He pushed it aside. 

“Answer,” Andrew said, tugging on the thin strands of hair a bit harder. 

Riko sounded strained as he said, “They’re all test subjects. All homosensoriums are nothing but tools to recreate the future.” 

“Explain,” Andrew said, before Seth could reply. 

Riko let out another low laugh that sounded strained and painful with his neck tilted so far back. “We’re going to control the population. We will be the only sensates that exist on this planet. We will use their powers to live forever.” 

Andrew went completely stiff. He released the hold on Riko’s hair and watched as he sucked in painful breaths and tilted his head downwards.

“What do you mean _live forever?_ ” Seth asked, looking both concerned and unnerved. 

“It means what I said,” Riko said, laughing again, maniacally, filling the room with it’s echo of insanity, “We’re going to be the only sensates left!” 

Andrew hated the sound of that laugh. He punched Riko square in the jaw, watching how his lip split open again and started to bleed. 

“Relax, Adolf,” Andrew said dryly, “You’re starting to sound like you want to perform a race cleansing.” 

“That’s it isn’t it?” Riko asked, “There can only be so many homosensoriums. What if you could go from one sensate body to another? Over and over? Never dying? Wouldn’t you want to live forever?” 

Andrew saw a flash of Neil laid out beside him, fingers curling into the sheets of their bed, his blue eyes wide and full of an entire universe that Andrew was completely lost in.

_”Do you really want this forever?_

Andrew bit the inside of his lip to keep himself from remembering the rest. Now wasn’t the time. Now wasn’t the time for his fucking brain to jump start a collaidascope of memories. He pushed it away and kept his eyes focused only on Riko.

“So you’re kidnapping clusters and sensates, to what? Fulfill some fucked up fantasy of immortality?” Andrew asked, “Sounds like bullshit.” 

“We are all connected,” Riko said, looking smug and proud of himself, Andrew wanted to wipe the look right off his face, “Why not use that to our advantage? Who says we can’t transfer entire subconciouses between sensates? You’ve seen it first hand remember? Berlin? Or when we let Nathan take a stroll through your eyes? What was the first thing you thought of, again? Nathaniel was it? How is he, by the way? Daddy dearest been paying him any visits?”

Andrew punched him so hard that his knuckles cracked. Riko turned his head and spit onto the floor below them, Andrew could make out something small and white in the pool of blood. 

“Fuck,” Riko cured, “So undignified. But I really didn't expect anything else from your cluster. Savages, monsters, and psychopaths. All of you.” 

“Well,” Seth said, stepping up behind Riko, he uncapped the syringe and took a hold of Riko’s arm, “This has been very informative but I think I’ve heard enough of your bullshit for one day. I’d say sorry ‘bout the tooth, but- I did warn you.” 

Andrew didn’t look away from Riko as Seth pushed the syringe into his arm. Riko gave him a smug look and a deep, wide smile.

“I’m going to enjoy watching them cut you and yours into tiny little pieces,” Riko said, “It’s going to be the best day of my life.” 

Andrew leaned in and took a hold of Riko’s face. “I can’t wait to see you try Riko,” Andrew said, “Too bad no one is coming for you. You might end up dying down here before BPO even notices your missing.” 

Riko’s face shifted into pure rage. His mouth opened to let out a retort but Andrew didn’t let him speak. He gave him one last firm hit to the face and watched as he leaned far, far to the left, his eyes going dark and his lips dripping with blood. 

“I fucking hate that guy,” Seth said, watching the way Riko slumped into himself, clearly knocked out from Andrew’s bare fist, “I can’t wait to just be rid of him.” 

Andrew hummed. He flicked his wrist and watched the blood fly off of his knuckles in dark droplets. 

“You should wash that up,” Seth said, nodding towards his hands, “Fucking gross. Wouldn’t want his blood on me in a million years.” 

Andrew only found this slightly amusing. “So someone else’s blood would do?” 

“Ha. Real funny, wise ass,” Seth replied. He capped the syringe again and turned to head back up the stairs of the basement. He only made it to the third step before he turned and looked at Andrew expectantly. 

“You coming?” 

Andrew was half tempted to get in one more punch before he retreated back upstairs, but decided against it. He already felt sticky and uncomfortable from the blood on his fingers, and the tingling sensation in his legs was to the point of being unbearable. 

“Yeah,” Andrew replied. He abandoned Riko’s body and followed Seth up the stairs, taking them two at a time so he could get to the first floor bathroom faster. 

As he cleaned the blood off his knuckles he saw the memory of Nicky helping him wash his hands in the sink after beating four men close to death outside of Eden’s in Columbia. This time Andrew didn’t push the memory away. He pretended that Nicky was standing over him, rag in hand, wiping away stray droplets of blood from his face.

_”You didn’t have a choice,” Nicky had said, “Don’t be so angry with yourself.”_

Andrew let the memory of Nicky’s words wash through him until they morphed into a voice that sounded distinctly close to Neil’s.

_”You’re not a monster. I know you. You’re not a monster.”_

Andrew pretended to believe him.

*  
Andrew had to change because apparently it wasn’t exactly sanitary or polite to wear a bloody t-shirt in the same rooms where they ate, and lived, and slept. Andrew was only mildly annoyed at Allison’s incessant, _For fuck’s sake, Andrew. Have some class._ The attitude was only half real anyway, Allison had smirked knowingly and with a hint of pride in her eyes, when he had emerged from the basement earlier that day. 

They were all a little blood thirsty. Especially when one of their own was suffering because of BPO.

After he finished changing, and taking a few quiet moments to check in on Neil and talk Aaron into babysitting for him, Andrew joined the rest of the cluster plus Abby and Wymack in Dan’s make-shift work room. They were all standing in a half-circle around Dan’s desk. Andrew reluctantly joined them, pushing both Seth and Allison out of the way so he could stand in front of them. 

“So,” Dan said, looking over her shoulder at all of them, “I finished looking over everything in the jump drive and- I mean - wow it’s a lot and most of it isn’t great.” 

“Anything about BPO trying to use sensates to gain immortality?” Seth asked, “Cause that shit has me a bit uncomfortable.” 

“Yeah,” Dan said, dragging out the word, “It’s not great.” 

“Show us,” Wymack insisted. Dan looked at him over her shoulder and nodded. 

She pulled open several files and forms and started to read them out to the cluster. 

“So it all basically confirms what we already knew,” Dan said, “It definitely fills in a few blanks. Kayleigh created a machine that lets a sensate control another sensate’s body even if they are outside of their cluster. Most of the time it only works when the sensate is lobotomized. Other times they can do it with a conscious sensate if they fill them with sedatives and this crazy experimental serum that like, jump starts the connection. That partnered with shocking the body into complete submission and, they can basically see what you see.”

“That’s what they did to you, right?” Matt asked, eyeing Andrew with a look of concern on his face. 

“Sure was. Thanks for the reminder,” Andrew replied, but he didn’t need one, the constant tingling in his fingers and limbs was enough.

“Jesus,” Seth said under his breath. Andrew ignored him. He didn’t need or want their pity. All of them knew this, but it didn’t stop them from pouring their obnoxious sympathy into their shared connection. Andrew tried his best to push it away. 

“So what is the point?” Renee asked.

“I think there are two things they are trying to accomplish,” Dan said, “As far as I can tell they are trying to weaponize sensates. Sort of like remote operated soldiers. Another part of this is that they are literally trying to find a way to transfer one sensate’s subconscious into another sensate’s body.” 

“So exactly what Riko said,” Seth replied, “Fantastic.”

“Yeah it’s great,” Allison chided, “Can’t wait to get attacked by an army of zombie sensates.” 

“I don’t think they’ve perfected it,” Dan said quickly, “A lot of this is just ideas and blueprints and sketches. I don’t think they’ve ever completely succeeded in transferring an entire subconscious.” 

“Thank fuck for that,” Seth said under his breath. Andrew wholeheartedly agreed with him. 

“That doesn’t mean that the zombie experiments haven’t worked,” Dan said quickly, “Case and point- Riko in Berlin. Also-”

She started clicking away and a moment later a video opened up on the screen. She set it to full screen and turned up the volume. “I found some videos of the experiments.”

She hit play and the entire room went silent as they watched. 

Kayleigh Day, a woman that truly needed no introduction, was standing next to Tetsuji Moriyama. They were both dressed in white lab suits, smiling happily at the camera. Andrew sparred a glance in Kevin’s direction, only to see that he had a pained look written across his face. Andrew pushed against their connection, a silent _calm down._ That had Kevin looking back at him, wide eyed and surprised by the reassurance. 

Andrew didn’t bother giving him more than that. He looked back at the screen and watched as Kayleigh lifted a large helmet, stuck full of wires and nodules. She placed it on her head and the camera panned over to a young teenager who was strapped down to a medical table. He had wires stuck across his entire scalp. The boy was shaking as he watched Kayleigh turn the headset on. The noise the teenager made was unbearable to listen to, a moment later Kayleigh raised her hand and the boy’s hand raised in turn. He looked surprised and Kayleigh looked proud. 

The video ended. 

“Wow,” Matt said, in awe, “That’s insane.” 

“There’s more,” Dan said, “Some of them show the subjects seizing out and dying halfway through. I didn’t think we needed to see that.” 

“Did they always experiment on kids?” Andrew asked, annoyed and pissed off to see a pained teenager, who couldn’t have been older than 16, used like a lab rat. 

“Unfortunately,” Dan replied, looking sad, “They had a cluster farm.” 

“A what?” Allison asked, “What the fuck does that mean.” 

Dan did some more clicking before pulling up a file that showed the ingredients of an experimental serum. Andrew starred it over for a long time before he registered what it was. 

“They were forcing sensates to give birth to clusters,” Dan whispered, she looked over at Wymack and Abby before quickly turning away. She did more digging and pulled up a video that showed the trial testing. Dan paused the video on one specific clip. 

Sitting in a metal chair, looking straight at the camera with fire in her eyes was Mary Hatford. 

“This was taken the day Mary took Neil and ran from BPO,” Dan explained, “They basically induced labor for our cluster. They were going to use us as experiments, most likely.” 

The room went silent as those words set in. Andrew had never particularly cared for their cluster mother. He had never really met her, only seeing her once when their cluster was born before she disappeared. There was no need to think about Mary Hatford. The only time he let his mind wander towards thoughts of her was when Neil would whisper stories of their times on the road together. Andrew knew that Neil loved her, the entire cluster seemed to love her without thinking too much about it, but Andrew was aware of the way she had treated Neil when they were running. 

He didn’t think he could love an abusive mother like Mary. Even if she did what she had to do to survive. 

“So when she left BPO,” Allison said softly, like a whisper, “She wasn’t just protecting Neil. She was protecting us.” 

Dan looked over her shoulder and nodded. “She knew that if she gave birth to our cluster, that BPO would use them for their experiments. She ran before she gave birth. Wanted to make sure that we were protected.” 

“Fuck,” Matt said softly, reverently. 

“Yeah,” Dan replied, “Fuck.” 

“What else is there?” Seth asked, “Anything useful about where the Moriyamas are so we can slit their throats one by one?” 

“Not exactly. I can probably pinpoint where they are based on experiment locations,” Dan replied, “But, I did find Kevin and Neil’s attitude tests.” 

“Oh please show us Neil’s,” Matt said, “We need a good laugh.” 

Dan smirked and pulled up the clip. A much smaller version of Neil appeared on the screen in front of them. His hair was a dark red and his eyes a piercing blue that was full of the same fire that they had just seen in Mary’s eyes. It was very clear where he got the defiance from. 

Andrew felt a spike of affection at the sight of him. Young, wide eyed, natural hair color, and ready to start a fight. This version of Neil was much easier to look at then the half-conscious, delusional, mess Andrew had left just upstairs.

Dan clicked the video and it started playing. At the bottom of the screen the name Nathaniel Wesninski was written in bold, black font, next to his name in bright red it said, **failed**.

“ _State your name_ ,” A disembodied voice said, sounding full of static from the speakers on the computer. 

“ _Nathaniel Wesninski_ ,” A soft and childish voice said back. There was something condescending about the curve of his lips. Andrew wasn’t surprised he failed. 

“ _Do you know why you’re here?_ ” The voice asked. 

Young Neil looked straight at the camera, smirked and said, “ _To answer stupid questions apparently_.”

Matt let out a choked noise and then quickly laughed out loud. “God he’s the worst. I love him.” 

“He failed,” Kevin reiterated, as if they couldn’t see the red writing on the screen, “Badly.” 

“No shit,” Allison replied, “They were insane to think that he would pass an attitude test.” 

“They were going to use him as an experiment,” Kevin quickly replied, sobering all of them, “That’s why they gave us the test in the first place. They were probably going to lobotomize him. He was too much trouble and they couldn’t control him or his attitude. He was no use to the Moriyamas alive.” 

Andrew felt the familiar cold curl of anger in his blood. He clenched and unclenched his fist to calm himself down. 

_I’ll get them eventually,_ he reminded himself, _BPO is going to burn._

“What about you, Kevin?” Allison asked, trying to lighten the mood, “Did you pass, big boy?” 

“Of course I did,” Kevin said, matter of fact but not smug, “My mother prepped me. I knew exactly what to say.” 

“Did they not bother prepping Neil?” Dan asked. Kevin shook his head. 

“Neil didn’t listen,” Kevin replied, “Everything went in one ear and out the other. If they prepared him for the test, then he quickly forgot all the right answers when left alone in that interrogation room with the doctor.” 

“It’s awful,” Dan said, “What they did to you both.” 

Kevin only shrugged. Andrew saw the acceptance sitting behind Kevin’s green eyes, a look that he had never worn before. Acceptance. Something that Andrew had no idea Kevin was capable of even feeling. Neil must be rubbing off on him, or maybe it was their shared connection that was mending his broken psyche. 

“Of course it was,” Kevin said darkly, “They do a lot of awful things to a lot of people.” 

They all considered this for a moment. Allison nodded in agreement. 

“They deserve to rot in hell,” Seth said, “So, how the fuck are we going to do that?”

“There is a lot of information in here,” Dan replied, “I can probably keep sifting through all of it and see if they have any current plans or upcoming experiments. It will help us figure out _where_ they might be.” 

“I have a better idea,” Wymack chimed in. The entire cluster turned their attention to him, like moths to a flame. “I really didn’t want to make this fucking call but I don’t think we have a lot of choices anymore. I promised Mary I wouldn’t drag him into this, she never did trust him, but I don’t see another option. If we want to get into BPO and take them apart. If we want to stop Nathan from torturing Neil and finding us. If we want to kill every last Moriyama fucker, then we need to call Stuart Hatford.” 

Andrew drew a complete blank at the name. He realized that this Stuart must be related to Mary, which meant he was related to Neil. 

“Who is he?” Dan asked, looking surprised. Abby had a similar expression of shock written across her face, but Andrew assumed it was for an entirely different reason. She looked like she couldn’t believe the words that were leaving Wymack’s mouth.

“Mary Hatford’s brother,” Wymack explained, “Neil’s uncle. Real pain in the ass but he has connections inside and outside of BPO.” 

“If Mary didn’t trust him why should we?” Matt asked, looking skeptical.

“Because we’re out of options,” Wymack explained, “And I’m out of patience. Stuart has connections on the inside of BPO. He might be willing to help us, he never did like the Moriyamas or Nathan very much. He’ll want to see them suffer as much as we do.” 

“And do you think Neil will be okay with this?” Andrew asked.

“Hate to say this, kid,” Wymack said, looking slightly sad and tired, “But Neil can’t really give us an opinion right now. He can barely keep his eyes open for more than ten minutes without passing out.” 

Andrew knew he was right but he still hated it.

“Fine,” Andrew said reluctantly, “If he decides to show up here he better come alone and he better not do anything sketchy. I see him look at any of us the wrong way and I’ll cut his tongue out.” 

Wymack didn’t look disgusted or surprised by the threat. He nodded in agreement, and Andrew realized that if Stuart did anything funny Wymack would be the one to cut him open before Andrew had the chance.

“Are we all in agreement?” Wymack asked, looking across the entire group. Everyone gave a vague nod in agreement, only Dan spoke.

“If Andrew is okay with it,” Dan said, looking at Andrew over her shoulder, a look of pure trust behind her dark eyes, “Then we’re okay with it.” 

Andrew fucking hated them. All of them. 

“Great.” 

Wymack stepped away from the group and pulled out his phone. He dialed quickly before raising the phone to his ear. Andrew watched him as he made it halfway through the door, his voice carrying over from the other room as he said, “Hey, Hatford. Long time no speak. We’ve got some shit to talk about.” 

Andrew let out a long sigh and looked away from the door. Dan returned her gaze back to her computer and started poking around again, looking over the thousands of files of information that they had procured in London. 

“Can we watch more sassy baby Neil, babe?” Matt asked, leaning on Dan’s shoulders, “Pretty please?”

Andrew cringed away at the word and at the tone in his voice. Dan let out a sigh and said, “Fine.” 

Andrew didn’t wait for her to play the video again. He had seen enough. He turned on his heel and left the room completely. Kevin followed close behind him. 

“What?” Andrew asked, looking over his shoulder. 

“You okay?” Kevin asked, “I- I want to make sure you’re okay.”

Andrew furrowed his eyebrows in confusion at the question.

“Who are you and what have you done with Kevin?” Andrew asked. Kevin let out a huff of a laugh, a soft quiet thing that didn’t really reach his eyes. 

“Being off inhibitors changes things,” Kevin said, “I feel- whole.” 

Andrew nodded, but didn’t really understand. He had never been on inhibitors. He hopefully never would.

“I just wanted to say thank you,” Kevin said, “For everything. I don’t think we thank you enough.” 

“Seriously,” Andrew replied, “Who are you?” 

Kevin let out a full laugh that time. Short and awkward, but a laugh all the same. 

“Say hi to Neil for me,” Kevin said, turning to head back down the hallway. Andrew waved him off. 

“Say hi yourself.” 

“Maybe later.” 

Andrew watched him go and wondered what had really changed there. He couldn’t help but think it was Neil. The one who spit fire and told Kevin to man up.

Andrew thought maybe Neil was changing him too. 

*  
Andrew found Aaron exactly where he left him in his and Neil’s room. Perched on a chair by the window, a textbook spread open on his lap, and his free hand twirling a highlighter. Aaron looked up when Andrew entered and gave him a nod of acknowledgement. 

“Any changes?” Andrew asked, looking over to Neil, who was currently half-asleep, his eyes open but not seeing anything. Andrew felt a familiar jab of pain in his chest. 

“Not really,” Aaron replied, “He woke up and called me Andrew and then proceeded to tell me to fuck off when I corrected him.” 

Andrew snorted. “He has a bit of a temper.”

“No shit,” Aaron replied. He twirled the highlighter more before tucking it safely behind his ear. “You’re a match made in heaven.” 

“How are the inhibitors coming along?” Andrew asked. He kicked off his shoes and sat down on the edge of the bed, running a hand through Neil’s hair casually. Neil stirred slightly and opened his blurry eyes a bit more before closing them completely. He made no other move to acknowledge Andrew’s presence. 

“Slow,” Aaron replied with a soft sigh, “We should be hearing back from the lab in a few days. I don’t know how helpful it’s going to be. We’re doing our best.” 

“I know,” Andrew said quickly, “I-” Maybe it was because he was feeling amicable or maybe it was because Kevin had surprised him with his own soft thank you. Whatever it was, Andrew knew that the words that were going to come out of his mouth were going to be unfamiliar territory. “Thank you.” 

Aaron looked surprised, his eyes widening a fraction. Andrew only looked back at him as he always did, a challenge of sorts for Aaron to say something. 

“I should be thanking you,” Aaron said, “You’ve been taking care of me since I moved to Chicago.” 

“One of us has to succeed in life,” Andrew replied quickly, “Might as well be you.” 

“What about you then?” Aaron asked, “You always say that you want nothing. That you don’t want to be or do anything. What would you call this, then?” He motioned toward Neil on the bed, his face serious. “Nothing?” 

Andrew didn’t hesitate to shake his head. Maybe if Aaron had asked him a few years ago he would have said yes. He would have said that this was nothing. But he had the cluster. He had Neil, and Andrew found no real point in lying. Not when the answers were clear for everyone to see. 

“It’s not nothing,” Andrew said resolutely, “I thought that was clear.” 

“Then what are you going to do when this is over?” Aaron asked, “Why don’t you take the money back and start a life or something. One that doesn’t revolve around taking care of everyone else. Maybe you should start taking care of yourself.” 

Andrew thought that maybe he was making steps to do just that. It was a battle that he would always face. There was no way that Andrew could go back from being a monster, not completely. Some days he took one step in the right direction and other days he took two steps back. On good days he took more than one step forward. Today he was standing completely still. 

“I don’t think it’s that easy,” Andrew said, “But- I’m trying.” 

“This cluster humanizes you,” Aaron said, “You would have never said that a few years ago.” 

“What can I say?” Andrew joked, “I share my entire subconscious with seven idiots. They’re rubbing off on me.” 

Aaron gave him the slightest ghost of a smile. Andrew felt it in the deep recess of his bones. 

“I’m still a bad person,” Andrew said, “But as Renee always says, we’re just bad people trying very hard to be good people.” 

Aaron nodded. “Truer words have never been spoken.” 

Andrew hummed his agreement. They sat in silence for a moment. The only sounds filling the room were Neil’s harsh inhales and exhales. Andrew let out a soft sigh and continued to tangle his fingers in Neil’s hair, rubbing against his scalp in small circles. The movement was soothing and Neil’s breathing started to even out. Andrew soaked it in. 

“I don’t want the money,” Andrew finally said, “I mean it when I say that. Use it for whatever the fuck you want.” 

“What if I want to use it on you?” Aaron asked, looking smug. 

“I would say that’s a waste of my hard earned money,” Andrew replied. Aaron let out a snort of a laugh in response. 

“Typical.” 

“Why are there two of you?” A slurred voice asked. Andrew turned to see that Neil was half sitting up, half reaching out toward Andrew. His pupils were still dilated, but he looked more alert than he had all day.

“I’m multiplying,” Andrew replied, teasingly, “You aren’t happy about that?”

“I only wan’ one,” Neil slurred. He leaned forward and collapsed completely into Andrew’s lap. Andrew let out a grunt at the sudden weight but didn’t push Neil off of him. 

“Do you remember that Aaron is here?” Andrew asked, “Or did you forget?” 

“I don’ know,” Neil replied in a haze, “I don’ know wha’ day itis.” 

Andrew let out a deep sigh and placed a protective hand over the back of Neil’s head. Neil hummed in appreciation. 

“You should get him to eat something while he’s awake,” Aaron said, “Do you want me to grab something?” 

Neil perked up at the mention of food. He looked up at Aaron, immediately narrowed his eyes and said, “I wan’ kiwis.” 

“You _hate_ kiwis,” Andrew said, “You asked me last week and then proceeded to take one bite and get upset.” 

Neil gave him a petulant look and curled further into Andrew’s lap. “Kiwis.” 

“Can you just bring a bowl of plain, boring pasta, and maybe some strawberries?” Andrew asked, looking at his twin. Aaron stood and nodded, he closed his textbook and walked to the door.

“Kiwis,” Neil whispered out. Andrew huffed out an amused breath of air before saying, “Fine. Some kiwis too.” 

Aaron nodded and left the room. 

When he returned, with food for Neil, Andrew and himself, Neil had sobered up some more. He sat at the head of the bed and ate the boring, plain pasta that was handed to him before immediately making grabby hands towards the bowl of fruit. Andrew watched with amusement as he took one bite of kiwi, twisted his lips, and then immediately spit it out into his hand. 

“No,” Neil said, he held the half chewed piece out for Andrew to take away.

“Disgusting,” Andrew said, but he took it anyway and immediately ate it without a second thought. Looking after Neil on drugs was like taking care of an infant. Andrew would find it amusing if it didn’t crush his soul every time he remembered why Neil had a cute pout on his face.

“You gross,” Neil replied. He ate the strawberries and left the kiwis behind. Andrew barely touched his food but Aaron gave him a pointed look from across the room. He sighed and ate in silence, letting Neil push his cold, bare feet under his thighs. 

“I can’t wait to meet him when he’s sober,” Aaron said, when Neil was starting to drift off once again, “I’m assuming he isn’t always like this.” 

“He isn’t,” Andrew replied, “He’s much more of an asshole when he’s sober.”

Neil didn’t like that much, because he kicked Andrew’s leg and curled away from him, turning himself into a burrito of blankets. Andrew ignored him. He cleared the plates into a neat pile and Aaron immediately took them from him.

“I’ve got it,” Aaron said quickly, “I better go start helping Katelyn again, anyway.” 

“I can take a few plates down to the kitchen,” Andrew said petulantly.

“Let someone help you for once,” Aaron said, “It won’t kill you.” 

“Fuck off,” Andrew retorted without any heat. Aaron left with a smile on his face.

Neil let out a low whine and Andrew turned to look at him, curled in blankets and kicking his feet into Andrew’s back. 

“What?” Andrew asked, he reached out and placed a firm hand over Neil’s foot to still him. The kicking stopped but was quickly replaced with full body wiggling. 

“What is it?” Andrew asked again. He placed his hands on either side of Neil’s blanket covered form and leaned over him. Neil wiggled his face free from the blankets. Blue, blue eyes looked back at Andrew, the pupils still blown wide, but the ringlets of ice blue were enough to tell Andrew that Neil was close to being sober again. 

Neil just stared at him for a long time, eyes open and honest, cheeks flushed. Andrew memorized every curve of Neil’s face, he sealed the entire image to memory so that Andrew could always keep it.

“I love you,” Neil whispered. 

Andrew didn’t stiffen. He didn’t flinch away like he always expected he would when someone said those words to him. It wasn’t painful to hear it, it left a curl of warmth and pleasantness in the pit of his stomach. Andrew leaned forward to brush his lips against Neil’s forehead. 

“I know,” Andrew whispered back to him. 

It wasn’t the first time Neil had said it. He had slurred several hushed _I love yous_ into the negative space of their bedroom whenever he was so far gone with his high that he could barely string the three words together. 

It still never stopped Andrew from feeling an all encompassing warmth from the words. He didn’t know if Neil really knew that he was saying them. There was a very real possibility that Neil had no control over his mouth when he was drugged, so Andrew never questioned him. Never asked him to say it twice, never brought it up when Neil was more sober than high. He let the words float between them like they were a dirty secret that Andrew wasn’t willing to share with anyone. 

“I love you,” Neil said again. 

Andrew let out a short huff of air and collapsed onto the bed beside him, reaching his arm out and around the middle of Neil’s blanket covered body. 

“I know,” Andrew said back again. 

Neil hummed and rolled further into Andrew’s space, pressing his face into the crook of his neck. 

“I can’t wait for this to be over,” Neil said, his voice slowing from exhaustion. 

“Me too,” Andrew replied, “Me too.”

They laid there until Neil fell asleep. Andrew stayed awake long enough to debate whispering the words back to him. He didn’t. Instead Andrew removed himself from the bed and paced around the empty bedroom until the lingering electricity under his skin was nothing but a slight tingling, and the aching in his chest was nothing but a dull hum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The W.W.M.H.D? is: What Would Mary Hatford Do? Inspired by the Sense8 episode titled W.W.N.Double.D? What would Nancy Drew do? Just so ya know.
> 
> Next chapter features some sweet and spicy a n g s t as a treat and wow did someone say “where’s Stuart Hatford?” Cause boy, oh boy, do I have an answer for you! (No one asked. That's okay. I just love Stuart. Let me live)
> 
> As always you can find me on [tumblr](http://stjosten.tumblr.com).


	10. I Can't Leave Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Bodily harm, Riko gets hit, again, drug use, mentions of drug abuse, implied/referenced drug addiction, impled/referenced drug withdrawal, drug withdrawal, implied/referenced bodily harm, implied/referenced torture, aftermath of torture, aftermath of drug addiction

#### Paris - July 20

Andrew was making breakfast with Renee in the kitchen, well she was making breakfast and Andrew was watching her, when a very loud bang came from the second floor. It was loud enough that every member of the cluster visited each other in the kitchen all at once. It was loud enough that Renee jumped ever so slightly and Andrew’s heart rate immediately spiked. 

“What was that?” Kevin asked, he appeared next to the island looking wide eyed and frazzled, “I think it came from your room, Andrew.” 

Andrew didn’t need to be told twice. He rushed out of the kitchen and up the stairs in record time. He made it to the bedroom and threw the door open, it slammed against the wall and the sound reverberated through the room like a gong. 

Neil was half slumped on the floor and half on the mattress. The loud bang was the sound of the side table, that now lay vicarious on the ground, Nei l’s hand firmly planted on the side of it, as if he had grabbed it to get up and pulled it down to the floor with his weight. 

“ _Drew,_ ” Neil ground out, he sounded weak and broken, reflecting the mess of limbs he had found himself in. 

Andrew rushed over to his side and wrapped his arms around Neil’s waist, tugging him upright and then pulling him against his chest. Neil let out a quiet choked sob, the sound muffled from where he pressed his lips against the collar of Andrew’s sweatshirt. 

“I can’t do this,” Neil rasped, “I can’t do this anymore. He’s- he’s back - I - I can’t.” 

Andrew tightened his hold around Neil and placed his hand against the back of his head, holding him steady against his chest. Something was cracking inside of Andrew, a piece of himself was breaking apart with every harsh sob that Neil let out. 

“He won’t stop,” Neil choked, “I want this to stop. I can’t do this anymore. Please-” 

The floor creaked and Andrew’s eyes immediately snapped to the open door. Aaron was standing in the door frame, his shoulders tense and his eyes hard. He had two full syringes in one hand and in the other was a bottle of water.

Andrew didn’t need to ask what he was holding. One syringe was very clearly full of Neil’s next dose and the other was full of a pink colored liquid. Katelyn had put together a concoction of vitamins into an injection, something that she called the _super booster,_ that was meant to jump start Neil’s energy levels and keep him stable enough to stop his eyes from rolling into the back of his head. Andrew watched Aaron walk into the room and go straight over to the dresser. Dropping both syringes and the bottle of water. 

Neil let out another whimper of a sound. Andrew squeezed him tighter. 

“I have you,” He whispered against the shell of Neil’s ear, “I have you. It’s okay. It’s okay.” 

The mantra of reassurance was helping less and less every time Andrew said it. Nothing had changed yet. None of his urgent _I have yous_ had stopped Nathan from tormenting Neil. None of his quiet words said in the darkness of their bedroom had stopped the drugs from slowly taking him apart. Neil continued to cry into the collar of Andrew’s sweatshirt and Andrew felt every piece of himself unravel into a dark fathomless mess inside his chest.

He was afraid. 

“I can’t do this, Drew,” Neil slurred out, “Please- make it stop.” 

“Hey,” Andrew pleaded, pulling Neil back and taking his face into his hands, “Look at me.” 

Neil opened his eyes, the blue startling and bright once again. He was sober enough to see his father, which was terrifying in and of itself. It also meant that the regular dose they were giving him wasn’t enough. It was starting to wear off faster, the high not lasting as long as it had the first several days. 

Andrew tried not to let his fear show across his face. He had to be as solid as a rock. Unbreakable. Unbent in the face of adversity. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Andrew whispered, “I promise. Okay? The inhibitors are almost done. This is the last time-” 

“Andrew-” Aaron cut in but Andrew didn’t let him finish.

“I will never make you do this again,” Andrew said firmly, keeping his eyes trained only on Neil, “Just this one more time and then never again. Okay?” 

Neil nodded and leaned his head forward and pressed his face into the crook of Andrew’s neck. 

“I just want it to stop,” Neil breathed out, crying once again, “I want this to stop.” 

“I know,” Andrew whispered, he pressed himself as close as he could get, his nose brushing against the side of Neil’s head, “I’m so sorry.”

Andrew looked over his shoulder to Aaron and nodded. He came to Neil’s side almost immediately, both syringes in hand. He completed both injections and then stepped away, giving them space. 

Neil continued to sob against Andrew’s shoulder, his body rising and falling with each harsh breath and each silent plea. 

“I have you,” Andrew reassured, pressing his lips right against Neil’s ear, “I won’t let anything happen to you. I promised. Always.” 

Neil sucked in a breath, indicating that he heard him, but said nothing. Andrew didn’t know how long he held him. Not until his breathing started to slow and his heart rate began to drop slowly back to normal. Andrew held him through it, running his fingers through his hair, over the back of his neck, across his shoulders, anywhere he could reach. His hands didn’t still until Neil was completely limp against him.

When he finally pulled away he noticed that the room was empty, Aaron must have slipped out shortly after he gave Neil the injections. Andrew hadn’t even noticed. 

As gently as Andrew could he untangled their limbs and laid Neil down on the bed in front of him. He didn’t know how long he sat there, staring, silent, watching Neil as his chest would rise and fall rhythmically. 

The sharp tingling in Andrew’s hands was unbearable. He pressed the heel of his palm into his eyes.

“I love you,” Andrew whispered, just to hear it outloud, to hear it float around the room as one of his undeniable truths, the truths that Andrew lived by, “I love you.” 

He hadn’t even realized he was crying until he sucked in a breath that was dangerously close to a sob. 

“I’m sorry,” He whispered to Neil, to the bedroom, to all of Paris, “I’m so fucking sorry.” 

*

Andrew stormed into the dining room and threw the bag of heroin on to the table in front of Aaron and Katelyn.

“How much fucking longer?” He growled out. 

There was only so much more he could take. Neil was getting worse. Every day that passed was another day that Neil was one step closer to the point of no return. He was losing weight, his body was starting to deteriorate right in front of them. They couldn’t stop it. If they kept going this way Neil would die.

“I don’t know,” Aaron admitted, “We used the results from the lab to create a perfect replica but it didn’t work when we tested it on Abby. It’s- we’re missing something. I just don’t know what it is.” 

Renee must have felt Andrew’s boiling rage in their shared connection. She appeared at the door, clearly coming straight to him physically rather than visiting, and walked straight over to him. Andrew didn’t flinch away when she placed a calming hand on his shoulder. He let her keep it there for several seconds before brushing it away.

“We don’t have any more time,” Andrew said, “This is killing him.” 

“We’re doing the best we can,” Katelyn confessed, there were dark circles under her eyes and she looked as if she hadn’t showered or slept in several days, she probably hadn’t, “I don’t know what we did wrong! We followed the exact ingredients that the lab sent us.” 

“Riko might know,” Renee offered, “We can pay him a visit and see if he wants to talk.” 

Andrew didn’t bother replying. He left the room in a storm and went straight to the basement door. It was locked and the key was nowhere in sight. 

“Where the fuck is Wymack?” Andrew bit out in Renee’s direction. He paced in front of the door and curled his hand into a fist before letting it fly straight into the hard wood. The resounding crack of his knuckles meeting the wood of the door sent a jolt of pain and relief through Andrew’s arm. 

“You need to calm down,” Renee said immediately, “You can’t go down there like this.” 

“Right, let me just get my fucking feelings in check,” Andrew said tersely, “Because apparently no one else is taking this fucking seriously anymore.” 

“That isn’t true,” Renee said calmly, “We all care about Neil. But you _have_ to calm down. Hurting yourself isn’t going to help him.” 

The rational part of Andrew’s brain, the part that was accepting Renee’s calm energy through their connection, knew she was right. The irrational part of Andrew’s brain, the part that kept replaying the image of Neil sobbing and begging for help, thought otherwise. 

“I don’t care what you think,” Andrew spat out, “I can’t leave him like this. I can’t fucking _do_ this to him.” 

“You’re not doing this to him,” Renee said resolutely, “This is not your fault. We can get answers out of Riko but not if you go down there looking for a fight. Now take a deep breath and calm down while I go get Wymack.” 

“Fine,” Andrew spit out, “Fucking fine.” 

Renee gave him one last lingering look before hesitantly retreating down the hall. Andrew didn’t watch her go. He stood sentry by the basement door and tried to calm himself down. 

He couldn’t. It had been a long week. Neil was getting worse every single day, BPO was gaining traction, and Andrew was fucking sick and tired of sitting around doing nothing. 

The rest of the cluster felt mostly the same. Dan rarely left her computer, she kept herself busy cataloging every single piece of information from the BPO hard drive. Allison was working her leads in and outside of BPO and getting mostly nowhere. Aaron and Katelyn were tirelessly working to recreate inhibitors. When Andrew had a hard time sleeping he would sometimes slip down the stairs and sit in the dining room and watch them work. 

Katelyn was far more tolerable when she was working. There was a focused look in her eyes and her eyebrows would furrow in concentration. The look was often reflected on Aaron’s face when he was working beside her. Andrew would rarely say anything to them. Sometimes it was enough to just sit in companionable silence. 

Today, Andrew didn’t think that anything could settle the anger that was boiling under his skin. He had to watch Neil struggle. He had to watch Neil vomit every time he ate something. He had to watch Neil whine and plead for help every single night. 

It was too much. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed before Renee reappeared in the hallway, Wymack and Matt close behind her. 

Wymack only said, “Good luck.” Before handing over the key to the basement door. Andrew took it and ignored the look that Wymack was giving him.

“We’re going with you,” Matt said as Andrew pulled the door open, “You’re not going down there alone.” 

“I can do it,” Andrew replied, annoyed. 

Renee shook her head. “It’s better if we go with you.” 

Andrew didn’t argue the point. He slipped into the basement stairwell and rushed down the stairs in record time. 

Riko was still seated and tied in the center of the room, his back turned to the stairwell. 

“Hey, fuckface,” Andrew started, walking straight over and circling to Riko’s front, “Wake the fuck up.” 

Riko’s eyes shifted behind their closed lids. Andrew reached out and took Riko’s chin into his hand and gave him a generous shake. 

“I said, wake the fuck up,” Andrew repeated. Riko let out a low noise in the back of his throat before his eyes fluttered open. 

“What?” Riko croaked, “What the fuck do you want?” 

“I want to know how you make inhibitors,” Andrew said, “I want step by step instructions. If you fucking lie to me, I will take you out back and put you out of your misery. That is not a threat. That is a promise and I don’t break my promises.” 

Riko, who was looking defeated and beaten down, only let out a pained noise of understanding in response. 

“Renee,” Andrew said, looking over Riko’s shoulder to catch her eyes, “Can you record this?” 

Renee nodded and pulled her phone out. She tapped the screen a few times before handing it over to Andrew. He took the phone and released Riko’s face, holding the mic close to Riko’s mouth. 

“Now talk,” Andrew demanded, once he hit the record button, “You have no other choice.” 

Riko smirked and Andrew wanted to cut it off his face. 

“Is this about Nathaniel?” He asked, voice dripping with venom, “Are you doing to him what you’re doing to me?” 

Andrew attempted to school his expression. He didn’t want Riko to know that he was getting under his skin. But it wasn’t working. There was no way to keep the barely veiled anger off of his face. 

“Aw,” Riko said mockingly, “How tragic. Is he taking it as well as I am?”

“I wasn’t joking,” Andrew said, his voice dark and low, “I will take you out back and snap your fucking neck. Now tell me how you make inhibitors.” 

“What makes you think I know?” Riko asked, looking as smug as he always did, which told Andrew that he definitely knew something, “I’m not a scientist.” 

“Because you’re a nosey little bitch,” Andrew replied, “Of course you know. So tell us.” 

Riko pretended to contemplate this for a moment. He looked up toward the ceiling before looking back down at Andrew. “No.” 

Andrew punched him before he could stop himself. 

“Okay!” Renee said sharply, “Let me take over.” 

She walked around Riko’s form and pushed Andrew out of the way, taking the phone from his hand in one sharp movement. Andrew glared at her but didn’t protest, the hard look in Renee’s face was the same as it was when she was ready to make good on the years of BPO training she had been given. 

The only thing more deadly than Andrew pissed off was Renee with a good enough reason to cut someone open. 

Renee didn’t bother hiding away from Riko’s eyes. Andrew watched her make pointed eye contact the entire time. She reached her free hand out toward Andrew in a silent question. He didn’t need her to tell him what she wanted. He reached into one of his armbands and procured one of the knives that he kept hidden there. A knife that Renee had given him when they met for the first time in Columbia. 

“I’m only going to ask once,” Renee said, twirling the knife as if it was an extension of her body, Andrew thought it probably was, “How do you make inhibitors?” 

Riko looked mildly concerned. His eyes danced between Renee’s face, the knife, and Andrew. He stopped bouncing his gaze when Renee pressed the tip of the knife to the underside of his chin and _pushed_ just enough to draw the smallest droplet of blood. 

Riko opened his mouth and started talking. He went through the entire process. His eyes never looked away from Renee and her knife. 

When Renee was satisfied with his answer, and once he had given direct step by step instructions, she pulled the knife away and stopped the recording on her phone. 

“Thank you,” She said sweetly, and Andrew knew what she really meant. _Thank you for not making me kill you._ “That was very helpful.” 

Riko ground his teeth but said nothing. Andrew thought that he should be insulted that Riko was more afraid of Renee than himself, but he wasn’t. Andrew had seen Renee’s work first hand. She was unrelenting and unforgiving.

There was still a lingering sense of regret under Andrew’s skin. He hated making Renee relive her past, but the assured look she gave him set him straight. 

Renee would reenact her violent history if it meant keeping one of theirs safe. Andrew commended her silently.

“We’re done here, then?” Riko asked, “You’re just going to keep me down here?” 

“Yup,” Andrew said, popping the p like a bubble, “Hope you’re enjoying your stay.” 

He turned on his heel and left the basement, Matt and Renee quickly following him. Once the basement door was once again locked tight, Andrew turned and took the phone from Renee’s hand. No explanation was needed. She followed him into the dining room. 

Aaron and Katelyn were still standing by the edge of the table but neither were working. Katelyn’s face was pressed into Aaron’s shoulder, a sign that she was really starting to feel her exhaustion. Andrew would feel bad if he didn’t remember Neil just one floor up.

“Here,” He said, dropping the phone harder than he should have onto the table between them, “Riko told us everything.” 

Katelyn pulled away from Aaron and immediately grabbed the phone without a second thought. She replayed the recording several times, Andrew just watched her as her eyes widened in surprise. 

“We compounded it wrong,” Katelyn said, “What a childish mistake.” 

Renee gave her a sickly sweet smile and said, “You’ve done amazing so far. Don’t beat yourself up.” 

“We should have beat the answers out of Riko sooner,” Andrew said, “This was a waste of time.” 

“No,” Aaron intervened, “It wasn’t. He could barely tell you what the ingredients are. In fact he called one of them _that fluffy white stuff_. This wasn’t a waste of time.” 

There was no point in arguing. Aaron was right, but Andrew was too frustrated to try and disagree with him. 

“Give us 2 hours,” Katelyn said, already moving around the room and pulling out their equipment, “We will test it on Abby and see if it works.” 

Renee nodded. “Keep the phone,” She said to Katelyn before she turned to Andrew and looked at him expectantly, “You need to eat. Stuart will be here soon. Come on.” 

Andrew looked to his twin, who nodded at him, before turning and leaving the dining room. He let Renee drag him to the kitchen and force him into a stool. A moment passed before Matt showed up and sat down beside him. 

“You alright?” Matt asked, watching Andrew warily. 

Andrew shrugged. He wasn’t okay. Not really. He hadn’t been okay for a very long time.

“No,” He said honestly, letting the others feel his barely contained frustration through their connection, “But I will be.”

*  
Stuart Hatford was not a particularly impressive looking man. He had the same haunting gray eyes as Mary Hatford, his nose was slightly crooked as if it had been broken on several occasions, and he was practically the same height as Neil if not a bit taller. Andrew thought that someone that looked so small and unassuming couldn’t be a powerful player in the world of BPO and the mafia. 

He turned out to be very wrong. 

Stuart was standing in the living room with Wymack beside him when Andrew entered with Renee at his back. There seemed to be a silent agreement with the rest of the cluster to not give Andrew a moment of alone time, at any given moment someone would appear at his side to visit, and it was equally comforting and annoying. Andrew didn’t need them to babysit him but he also didn’t trust himself not to make an irrational decision if left to his own devices, so he was silently grateful.

The rest of the cluster had managed to congregate into the living room before Andrew and Renee arrived. Allison was standing behind the couch where Kevin, Seth, and Matt were sitting. Dan was perched vicariously on Matt’s lap. All of them were glaring daggers in Stuart’s direction, a unified front of intimidation. Andrew walked straight over to them and took up his post beside the couch. Renee went past him to stand beside Allison. 

“Well now that you’re all here,” Wymack said, letting his eyes linger on Andrew for a moment longer than the rest, a sign that he was checking in on him. Andrew gave him a silent nod before Wymack continued, “This is Stuart Hatford. He’s going to help us with our little BPO problem.” 

“How exactly is he going to be helpful?” Allison asked, directing the question towards Wymack and ignoring Stuart completely. A power move if Andrew had ever seen one. 

“Well,” Stuart said, his accent was thin and listless, “I happen to be quite useful in regards to investigating the Moriyamas. I’ve been keeping tabs on them since my sister went off to join their so called organization. Speaking of, where is my nephew now?” 

Andrew didn’t move. He kept his arms crossed in front of him and made no indication of speaking. 

“He’s part of the problem,” Wymack explained, “I’m sure you already know that Nathan is a sensate. So is Neil.” 

Stuart looked surprised for half a second before he schooled his expression. “Right, yes,” He said, “Mary called me when she took Nathaniel and ran. I told her to bring him to England but she refused. She also told me to start looking more closely into BPO. I’ve found some allies both inside and outside of their organization. Rather funny to see that half of their so-called employees want to take them down as much as you do.” 

Andrew wasn’t surprised by this. Any sensate with half a mind would want to take the Moriyamas apart as quickly as possible. Jean eagerly went behind their backs to give information to Renee, and he was afraid of his own shadow. There was bound to be more members of BPO that wanted them to burn. 

“Neil made contact with Nathan when we were in London,” Wymack explained, “He’s currently secluded and kept drugged so that Nathan can’t stop in for a hello.” 

Stuart looked appalled. “You’re drugging my nephew?” 

“We’re doing what we have to do,” Andrew cut in, every member of the cluster poured reassurances into their connection, “We don’t exactly enjoy this either.” 

“So you’re telling me that you’ve started a war with the Moriyamas,” Stuart started, looking nonplussed, “And exposed my nephew to his bastard father?” 

“We also have Riko Moriyama tied up in our basement,” Dan said nonchalantly, “Just so you know.” 

“Fucking hell,” Stuart said, he ran a hand through his wiry hair before looking the group over, “None of you thought this through have you?” 

“We never think before we act,” Allison said, waving her hand in front of her in dismissal, “We just act. Right, Andrew?” 

Andrew didn’t want to be dragged into this. He shrugged and said, “Sure.” 

“I have several questions,” Stuart started, exasperated, “First of all, what are you planning to do with Riko?” 

“We thought we could put him in a tutu and make him dance for our entertainment,” Seth offered, “Or, I don’t know, use him as leverage.” 

“Kengo doesn’t give a shit about Riko,” Stuart replied, “He would sooner tell us to just kill him than make a deal with you.” 

“Interesting,” Andrew said dryly, “So we have nothing.” 

“Exactly,” Stuart said, “You have absolutely nothing. You want to go after the Moriyamas? You need to cut out actual players in their game. The first I would recommend is Nathan Wesninski and his merry band of psychopaths. They’re the front. They’re the most dangerous pawns on the Moriyamas’ board. Get rid of them and then we can talk.” 

“Right,” Wymack said, “How the fuck do you expect us to do that?” 

“Well,” Stuart said, looking around the room, “You’re not going to like this but-”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Andrew said, taking a dangerous step forward, “If you’re going to suggest we use Neil to get to Nathan you can turn your sorry ass around and leave.” 

“You don’t have much of a choice,” Stuart offered, “I know people inside of BPO, very important people mind you, who want the Moriyamas gone. They resist because Nathan and his men are impenetrable. We get rid of them and then we have free reign to cut the Moriyamas off at the knees. Ichirou may be intimidating but he’s a useless prat that has a bark much stronger than his bite. Tetsuji is a kiss ass and Kengo is currently dying. We get rid of Nathan and the rest will quickly follow.” 

Andrew grit his teeth and clenched his fists until the blunt of his nails was cutting skin. There was absolutely now way that he was going to let them do this. There was no way that _Neil_ was going to go along with this.

“We’re not using Neil as fucking bait,” Andrew ground out.

The cluster all forced out their own agreements. Stuart looked wary. 

“You want to start a war?” Stuart asked, waiting for them to nod in response, “Then start acting like this is a war. You need to take risks in order to get what you want. I would never willingly put Nathaniel into direct danger, but if it means we can get our hands on Nathan then I suggest we do it. Now before you all lose your heads-” He started and looked pointedly at Andrew, “I’ll let you know that I will have my people covering Nathaniel the entire time. One wrong move and we will take them all out.” 

Andrew really didn’t trust Stuart and he really didn’t like the sound of this so called plan. He watched the way Wymack mulled it over, as if it was something he was actually considering.

“No,” Andrew repeated, “No fucking way.” 

“Maybe we should ask Nathaniel directly?” Stuart suggested, “Shouldn’t he have a say in this.” 

“Fuck you,” Andrew shot back, Dan let out an exasperated sigh at his reaction, “First of all his name is Neil and second of all he’s a fucking martyr. You give him a suggestion like this and he’s bound to say yes because he has no self preservation. Allow me to be the one that answers for him. Fuck you and no.” 

He turned on his heel and left the room in a huff. He heard the others calling after him but he ignored it. If Stuart thought he was going to send Neil, fucking _Neil_ straight into his father’s open arms than he was out of his mind. Andrew would sooner cut the bastard off before he could even look in Neil’s direction. 

Andrew stomped the entire way to his bedroom. He threw the door open and slammed it shut with much more force than was necessary. Neil was still passed out in the bed but he flinched at the sound of the door slamming. Andrew let out a deep sigh and ran his hands through his hair. 

He wouldn’t let anything happen to Neil. He promised him. He fucking promised-

“Andrew,” Dan’s voice said suddenly. Andrew turned on his heel and caught sight of Dan visiting him. He looked her over with confusion before asking, “What do you want?” 

“I think we need to talk,” Dan explained, “About this.” 

“No,” Andrew said, “You can’t seriously be considering what that asshole suggested?” 

Dan shook her head and looked away. Andrew wanted to go back downstairs and knock some sense into her. She must have felt his intentions because she flinched minutely and gave him a hard look. 

“I know that you want to protect Neil,” She said, “But if we do this right then nothing would even happen to him. You need to learn to trust us.” 

“I don’t-” Andrew stopped himself and sucked in a deep breath, “I can’t do this to him.” 

“I know,” Dan said gently, “We- We love him too, Andrew. He’s _family_. We don’t want anything to happen to him either. We need a plan. If we can use Neil as bait and we can trap Nathan before anything bad happens then I think we should do it. I also think that we should ask Neil if he’s willing to do it as well.” 

Andrew looked toward Neil on the bed. He imagined what Neil would say if Andrew suggested this to him. He would give a resounding yes and then step straight into the raging fire. Andrew raised his thumb to his lips and chewed the skin around his warped nail. 

“I would sooner die,” Andrew said forcefully. 

Dan let out a deep breath and disappeared. Andrew looked to the empty spot she had just vacated and let out a tight breath. 

As much as he wanted to kill Nathan Wesninski with his own two hands. He wanted to protect Neil more. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach, the same one he had in Berlin, the same one he had in London, that was screaming that they shouldn’t do this. He also knew that it was going to happen anyway. They would ask Neil when he was finally sober enough to give them a straight answer, and Neil would inevitably say yes.

Andrew thought that it felt like watching a car accident. Inevitable, dangerous, and lethal.

*  
Much to Andrew’s disapproval, Stuart was still in the house when he came downstairs to check on Aaron and Katelyn a few hours later. 

They had apparently carried on their meeting without Andrew present, which really didn’t bother him because there was nothing that Stuart could say that would change his mind, and they had decided that they could trust Stuart for now. Andrew didn’t buy it, but the rest of the cluster seemed to believe that he had an in at BPO. He was outnumbered, six to one, he didn’t have much choice. 

Andrew ignored the rest of the cluster and went straight to the dining room. 

Andrew walked in to find Katelyn bouncing on the balls of her feet in front of a seated Abby. He watched them for a moment before stepping completely into the room. Neither of them looked up to acknowledge him.

“Is it working?” Katelyn asked excitedly, her hands clutched in front of her as if she was praying. Abby let out a soft hum before closing her eyes and opening them again. After several moments she said, “I can’t connect with David.”

Katelyn’s face broke into a wide grin. “It’s working?” She asked, no, yelled excitedly. When Abby nodded she threw one fist into the air as she always did when she was conducting a cheer back in high school before saying, “I can’t believe it!” 

“You did it?” Andrew asked, walking straight over to the makeshift lab. At the end of the table sat three identical capsules filled with black powder. Katelyn nodded happily at him.

“They work!” Katelyn exclaimed, “I can’t believe it! I feel like I’ve won the lottery. Oh my god, wait- I think I might pass out.” She slumped forward and Andrew instinctively reached out a hand to stop her from face planting into the table. She looked up at him in complete shock and quickly steadied herself. 

Andrew saw a memory of Katelyn when they were in High School. Strawberry blonde hair tied tightly into a high ponytail, her eyes watering, her hands shaking. 

_”Don’t mistake this for acceptance,” Andrew had said, a knife in one hand and the other had an iron grasp on her forearm._

Andrew bit the inside of his lip to stop the memory from replaying. He removed his hand as if she had burned him before looking away. 

Katelyn shuffled awkwardly and cleared her throat. 

“Right,” She said awkwardly, “We did it. Which means you can start giving them to Neil and we can start weaning him off of the heroin. Oh my god, babe it worked!” 

Andrew looked over his shoulder to see Aaron shuffling into the room, looking dead on his feet. His eyes widened and then he smiled, an easy wide smile that was filled with accomplishment. 

“Fuck,” Aaron breathed out, “Thank god.” 

Andrew felt the relief wash over him.

“Thank you,” Andrew said quietly. Katelyn’s head almost fell off from how quickly she turned to look at him. 

“You’re welcome,” She said just as quietly, “You’re so welcome.” 

Aaron came up behind him and took the three pills off the table. He handed them over to Andrew and gave him a meaningful look.

“Detox isn’t going to be easy,” Aaron said, “But I’m sure you know that.” 

Andrew saw a flash of Aaron sitting on the floor of Tilda’s bathroom, covered in vomit, and shaking uncontrollably.

Andrew stuck the nail of his pointer finger into his palm until the memory went away.

“I do,” Andrew said, “Should we get him anything?” 

“I can see if we can get some suboxone,” Katelyn offered, “Won’t be easy, but I’ll see what I can do.” 

“You should rest,” Aaron said quickly, “We both should. Neil probably won’t be completely sober until later tonight. Make sure he drinks water and takes the vitamins we got him. A warm bath will also help to stop the shivering when that starts. Come get me if he doesn’t get better, okay?” 

Andrew nodded in understanding. He looked down at the pills in his hand and closed his fingers around them. 

“Will you be able to make more?” He asked, looking between Aaron and Katelyn.

“Oh absolutely,” Katelyn said excitedly, “After I’ve had at least 7 hours of sleep. I am seriously about to pass out. Love you all, goodbye.” 

Katelyn gave Andrew a bright smile and pressed a hand to Aaron’s arm and tugged him out of the room. Andrew let out a relieved breath of air and stared at the pills in his hand. 

“Let me know if you two need anything,” Abby said softly, she stood and walked toward the doorway, lingering as she looked at Andrew, “Do you want to push our nightly routine to tomorrow morning? 

Andrew only nodded. Abby smiled softly and left. 

The pills were small and weightless but Andrew felt like he was holding a thousand pounds in his hand.

He owed Aaron a lot more than $500,000.

*  
Andrew spent the rest of the afternoon in his room with Neil. Renee dropped in occasionally to check on them, she never said much but it was enough that she was there, before quickly leaving. Neil hadn’t woken up since that morning. Andrew would be worried, but every couple of hours Neil would stir and whisper something under his breath before falling back into a deep slumber. 

He finally cracked his eyes open when it was almost 7 pm. Andrew felt him shift in the bed and then turned to see dull blue eyes looking up at him.

“Hi,” Neil whispered, his voice low and groggy. Andrew closed the book he had been reading and placed it on the side table before turning his full attention over to Neil.

“Hi,” Andrew whispered back. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Neil’s forehead, ignoring the gross feeling of sweat against his lips. “I have good news,” He said as he pulled back. 

Neil hummed and tugged the blanket downward, exposing the upper half of his body. Andrew reached out and smoothed the creases on his shirt over his chest. 

“The inhibitors are done,” Andrew said. Neil’s eyes widened and he scrambled to sit up in bed, his knees bumping against Andrew’s thighs as he crawled closer. 

“Really?” Neil asked, bright and excited, and definitely more awake than he was a few seconds ago. Andrew nodded and reached out to place a firm hand on the back of Neil’s neck. Neil leaned into his touch and gave Andrew a warm, lopsided grin. 

“Yup,” Andrew said, “I put them on the dresser.” 

“Can I take one?” Neil asked, looking excitedly towards the dresser before looking back to Andrew.

“Sure,” Andrew said, “Whenever you want.” 

Neil jumped from the bed and nearly fell face first before making it to the dresser. He grabbed the half empty bottle of water and took one of the pills that Andrew had left there for him. He took one sip of the water and then swallowed the pill. Andrew watched him and memorized the way he turned and smiled a full, bright smile, the one that he hadn’t seen in a week. Andrew felt his chest warm with affection at the sight of it. 

“Andrew?” Neil asked, putting the water bottle back on the dresser and taking a step towards the bed, “Can I hug you?” 

Andrew raised an unimpressed eyebrow at him but said, “Yes.” 

Neil launched himself across the bed and straight into Andrew’s arms. Andrew let out a surprised grunt and nearly fell off the side of the bed, but stopped himself with an arm thrown out behind him. 

“Holy shit, Neil,” Andrew said, “You said a hug not a tackle.” 

Neil laughed brightly in his arms and pulled back so he could look Andrew in the eye. His pupils were very close to their normal size and Andrew knew that in a few hours Neil would be completely sober once again. There was no denying the feeling of something close to happiness that was swelling just behind Andrew’s rib cage. 

“I’m so happy,” Neil whispered, he leaned forward and stopped an inch away from Andrew’s lips, “Can I kiss you?” 

Andrew didn’t give him an answer, he closed the distance and kissed Neil like his life depended on it. It wasn’t exactly a well choreographed kiss or a great kiss in general, they were far too desperate to get closer to show any sort of restraint. Their teeth bumped awkwardly and Neil was too busy half smiling, half laughing into Andrew’s mouth for them to take it much further.

Andrew still cherished it for what it was. An admission of everything that they wanted the other to know, shared only by the brush of warm, slick lips.

_I’m okay._

_Thank you._

_I have you._

_I love you._

They pulled apart to catch their breaths and Neil let out a soft laugh into the space between them. Andrew breathed it in.

“I’m so fucking happy right now,” Neil said, “But I also think I might throw up.” 

“Jesus,” Andrew replied, he pulled back and helped Neil off the bed and into the bathroom just across the hall from their room. They had barely made it inside before Neil was leaning over the toilet and throwing up.

“There goes the inhibitor,” Andrew commented dryly. Neil groaned and sat back onto the floor. 

“Can you get me another one?” Neil asked, looking up at Andrew through watery eyes.

“Yeah.” Andrew leaned over and pressed a kiss to the top of Neil’s head before going back into the bedroom and grabbing a second pill from the dresser along with the bottle of water. He walked back into the bathroom to find Neil once again leaned over the toilet. 

Andrew sighed deeply and grabbed a towel from the closet and held it out to Neil when he was done. 

“I think my body hates me,” Neil admitted, wiping his face with the towel, “I’ve been treating it like shit.” 

“It’ll get better,” Andrew replied, “I once locked Aaron in the bathroom of Tilda’s house to get him to detox. It took about three full days.” 

Neil let out a low groan and threw his head back, it smacked against the wall loudly and he let out another low groan from the pain. 

“I don’t have three days,” Neil said, “I barely have one.” 

“You have as much time as you fucking need,” Andrew said quickly, kneeling down in front of Neil and taking his head into his hands to check him, “Don’t rush this and try not to beat yourself up when it doesn’t happen the way you want it to.” 

Neil nodded and pushed his cheek into the palm of Andrew’s hand. Andrew sighed and sat back, grabbing the water and inhibitor and handing both over to Neil. 

“Are you going to be sick again?” Andrew asked, looking him over for any signs of trouble. Neil shook his head. “I don’t have anything left to throw up,” He replied. 

Andrew nodded and watched Neil take the smallest sip of water manageable and take the pill.

“How many do we have?” Neil asked. 

“We had three but someone threw up one and had to take another,” Andrew replied. Neil looked mortified at the news and Andrew snorted at him. 

“Aaron will make more,” He explained, “Don’t worry.” 

Neil nodded his head and placed the water bottle on the ground next to him. 

“I want to shower,” Neil said, “And try to eat something, and see the others, and do something other than lay in bed.” 

“All good ideas,” Andrew replied, “Shower first. Reunion later. Do you need help?” 

Neil nodded and raised his arms so that Andrew could pull him up to a standing position. 

“We’ll take it one step at a time,” Andrew said, pulling Neil into a hard embrace, Neil melted and placed his face into the crook of Andrew’s neck.

“Okay,” Neil said softly, his voice muffled, “One step at a time.” 

“Right,” Andrew replied before pulling away completely, “Now, you need to shower. Seriously you’re disgusting. I’m not touching you again until you wash.” 

Neil gave him a petulant look but didn’t argue. He turned towards the shower and turned it on. 

Andrew rolled his eyes and turned to leave. 

“I’ll be outside the door,” Andrew said, “In case you fall.” 

Neil scowled at him and said, “I’m not completely useless.” 

“Congratulations,” Andrew mocked, “Also, brush your fucking teeth.” 

With that Andrew left the bathroom and shut the door. He heard Neil let out an exasperated groan from behind him and Andrew could only smirk at the sound of it. 

He pulled out his phone and sent a group text to the cluster. 

_**Neil is awake and wants to see all of you.** _

His phone immediately started buzzing to live. Andrew let out a groan and watched the messages pour in.

Matt: _**!!!!!!**_

Dan: _ **our boy is awake!**_

Seth: _ **fucking finally**_

Kevin: _ **good**_

Allison: _ **sleepover in our room?**_

Dan: _ **yes**_

Renee: _ **Sounds like a good idea! :)**_

Matt: _ **Dan’s gonna download a movie**_

Andrew rolled his eyes and locked his phone before the texts became unbearable. He leaned his head against the bathroom door and listened to the sound of the shower.

For the first time in his life he thought about the future. He thought about a small apartment somewhere full of plants and cluttered bookshelves. He thought about a permanent place to lay his head, to wake up every morning, to come home to, to stay. He thought about a cat or two curled on the window sill overlooking a city somewhere. He thought about a balcony or a room with roof access so he could smoke. He thought about Neil finally unpacking his duffel bag. He thought about _home_.

When he closed his eyes he could finally see it. Something his- _theirs_ , permanently, forever. 

When Neil finished showering they went about getting dressed in sweatpants and sweatshirts and only got mildly distracted when Neil pressed his lips against Andrew’s neck. They made it to Allison and Renee’s room to find the rest of the cluster already in their night clothes and sprawled across the floor and the mattress, pressed far too close together. 

They all cheered when they saw Neil, sober albeit a bit unsteady on his feet, but alive and awake and very much happy to see them too. Allison pulled him into their pile of limbs on the bed and Andrew sighed before taking a seat on the floor beside Kevin, their legs touching in a silent show of comfort and stability. 

Neil laughed happily when Allison teased him and smiled with warmth when Seth ruffled his hair. Andrew watched him, smiling, warm, red cheeked, alive, and finally the limb that had been missing from his body seemed to reattach itself.

*

#### Paris - July 21

Andrew was in the sitting room with Abby, letting her poke and prod at his legs and arms to check his nerves. He twitched at all the right moments and scowled whenever she poked him too hard in a sensitive spot. Abby never looked apologetic, she would give him a bored look before she continued on.

Neil sat in with them, even if he was a sweaty and disheveled mess, he watched as Abby poked and prodded and he gave Andrew worried looks whenever Andrew talked about the lingering electricity under his skin. 

Andrew didn’t want him to be here to see this but Andrew also didn’t want Neil where he couldn’t see him, so he settled for ignoring the pointed looks of concern and let Abby go about her regular check up. 

“How is it in the morning?” Abby asked, “Any pain?” 

“No,” Andrew lied, earning him a scoff from Neil, “It just tingles.” 

“He’s lying,” Neil said, “He woke up this morning and immediately got up to shake out his legs. He said they felt like they had fallen asleep.” 

“Can you fuck off?” Andrew shot in his direction. Neil didn’t look offended, he gave Andrew a challenging glare that said _if you won’t take care of you then I will._ Andrew scowled back at him.

“You need to tell me these things,” Abby said with a soft sigh, “I think we need to get you to a real physician that can prescribe medication. The only way to know for sure if you have permanent nerve damage is to get a Rheumatologist or a Neurologist to give you a full evaluation.” 

Andrew didn’t like the idea. There was too much going on for him to just go off and attend a doctor's appointment. He hadn’t even had the chance to talk to Neil about Stuart, who was being kept very far away from Neil for the time being until they felt Neil was ready, there was no way that he could just up and leave to go see a neurologist. 

“Can it wait?” Andrew asked, “It really isn’t that bad. Sometimes my legs, hands, and arms tingle and sometimes they don’t. I think I can handle it.” 

Abby let out a low sigh and shook her head. “Fine,” She said finally, “But if it starts to be a real problem you need to see a doctor immediately. Understand?” 

Andrew nodded. She pulled away from him and grabbed the cream, handing it over and then standing to go get the vitamins from her medical bag. 

Andrew opened the cap and let a generous glob fall onto his fingers. He was about halfway through his right leg when Aaron appeared at the door, looking annoyed, concerned, and a bit insulted. 

“What the hell is this?” Aaron asked, pointing towards Andrew’s leg, “What’s wrong with you?” 

Andrew saw Neil’s mouth open to retaliate but he quickly sent him a look that said _shut up_. For once in Neil’s life he listened. 

“It’s nothing,” Andrew said quickly, he continued to rub the cream into his tingling skin before moving on to the other leg, “Forget about it.” 

Aaron didn’t let it go. He walked into the room and grabbed the lotion right out of Andrew’s hand. He looked it over before looking at Andrew in shock. 

“Why are you using Nerve Recovery cream?” Aaron asked, “Seriously Andrew don’t lie to me.” 

Neil cleared his throat and then stood from the couch.

“Hey, Abby,” He said, “Do you wanna - leave the room with me so we can not be a part of this really awkward conversation?” Abby nodded. She came over to Andrew and deposited the vitamins into his lap before following Neil out. 

Andrew almost called after them to stay but thought better of it when he saw the fire in Aaron’s eyes. 

“It’s a long story,” Andrew huffed out, annoyed, he reached out and grabbed the tube back from Aaron, “Don’t worry about it.” 

“Do you seriously think that I don’t care or something?” Aaron said, “That I don’t want to know when something is wrong with you? Do you trust them more than me?” 

“I don’t know you,” Andrew said, but it was the wrong thing to say. Aaron looked hurt for all of a few seconds before it morphed into pure anger.

“You never tried to know me,” Aaron shot back, “I’m trying to get to know you better. I want to be a part of your life, Andrew. Why won’t you let me?” 

Andrew flexed his fingers against his leg before pulling them away entirely. He gave Aaron an unimpressed look before finally letting out a groan. 

“I didn’t tell you,” Andrew said, “Because it is very complicated and really stupid and dangerous and I really didn’t want to hear you bitch to me about my safety.” 

Aaron gave Andrew the unimpressed look right back. 

_Fucking twin bullshit._

“ _Fine_ ,” Andrew bitout, “I was kidnapped in Berlin and then tortured for five fucking days. It was really great. I enjoyed every second of it. I now probably have permanent nerve damage from the amount of electricity they were pumping into me. So that’s super great as well. Are you happy now?”

“Why the fuck were you in Berlin?” Aaron asked. 

_To steal some fucking diamonds._

“For the bratwurst,” Andrew said, even though Neil no longer shared their connection he thought he felt his disapproval anyway, “Why else?” 

“Do you think I’m stupid?” Aaron asked. Andrew gave him a pointed look and then threw his hands in the air.

“What do you want from me, Aaron?” Andrew asked, “Are we going to have a really nice moment where we talk about our fucking feelings and then hug and make up? You hated me for most of your life. I _killed_ your mother. Why would you give a shit about what happens to me?” 

“You’re not a monster, Andrew,” Aaron said calmly, as if everything Andrew just said rolled off of him like water on a raincoat, “You’re so fucking stupid. I know why you killed mom, I forgave you for that a long time ago. I also know why you made that stupid deal and why you tried so hard to keep it. I get it. I started to understand you when we moved in with Nicky all those years ago. You have this fucked up tendency to let people in and then immediately push them back out again when it becomes too much. I flew across the ocean to come here and help you. The least you can do is be honest with me. Why the fuck were you in Berlin? Why were you kidnapped? Why did we need to make Neil inhibitors?” 

Andrew stared at Aaron like he had never seen him before. Maybe he hadn’t. This Aaron was much different from the scared 17 year old that Andrew left behind all those years ago. He didn’t know what changed. He didn’t know how he had missed it. But Andrew was suddenly faced with a reflection that looked a whole lot like a real person and not a half-shell of a person that Andrew was. 

He thought of a million things that he could tell Aaron. He thought about a million lies he could have given him. But he realized that he owed it to him to tell the truth. He owed it to _himself_. So when Andrew opened his mouth the truth came out. All of it. From the heists to the diamonds to Berlin to BPO.  
When he had finally stopped talking his throat was sore and Aaron looked perplexed. Andrew assumed there was going to be a lecture about getting into something so dangerous, but it never came. Aaron simply took up the spot where Abby had been, took the cream from Andrew’s hands and started spreading it on Andrew’s leg. Andrew watched him quietly. There was nothing left to say. Nothing left for Aaron to really want to know.

 _He didn’t leave,_ Andrew realized, _He heard all of it and he didn’t leave._

Not for the first time he thought about Neil giving him always, how he knew all of Andrew’s secrets and still wanted to keep him.

There was still a lot that Aaron didn’t know and Andrew would never really be able to tell him. Not about the foster homes, not about the Spears, not about Drake. So instead he sat there and let Aaron take care of him. He let Aaron apply the cream to his legs and then move on to his arms. He let Aaron force a water bottle into his hand and tell him to take his vitamins. He let Aaron look at him the way Andrew didn’t know he deserved to be looked at.

Like he was real. Like he mattered.

For the first time Andrew looked at Aaron and didn’t just see his twin. He didn’t just see a softer version of himself, warped and twisted with filters. For the first time Andrew looked at Aaron and only saw Aaron. He saw his brother. His flesh and blood. 

When they were finished they didn’t speak. Andrew pulled on his armbands and pretended he hadn’t shown Aaron his scars. They walked out of the room shoulder to shoulder and for the first time in their lives they were on equal footing. 

When Andrew found Neil again, alone in the kitchen with a knife in one hand and an apple on a cutting board in front of him, Andrew wrapped his arms around Neil’s middle and pressed his face into the back of Neil’s neck and breathed. 

“You okay?” Neil asked, he didn’t stop cutting his apple as Andrew held him, far too tight for it to be comfortable. 

Andrew only let out a breath and whispered, “Yeah. I am now.” 

Neil hummed and leaned back ever so slightly. He didn’t ask what was wrong. He didn’t ask why Andrew was holding him. He simply let Andrew press his face against his neck, he let Andrew press his hand under the hem of his t-shirt, and he let Andrew murmur nonsensical words into his skin. 

He was finally found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Katelyn later that night: your brother touched my arm without intent of bodily harm  
> Aaron: lol ok u must really be tired, babe
> 
> They never explained how to make inhibitors in the show so I can’t even PRETEND to know what any of it means so I’m going to just completely avoid trying. 
> 
> I can’t believe we’re 9 chapters away from the end. Buckle your seat-belts because chapter 12 and on is pretty much a one way trip to chaos. 
> 
> Also I want to say real quick that Stuart is not a sensate. It is clarified in the next chapter, there just wasn’t a good way to mention it in this one and no one really cared to ask him so- yeah it wasn’t mentioned at all. Sorry.
> 
> Next chapter will feature NEIL POV AGAIN FINALLY, some withdrawal symptoms (sorry), and Stuart & Neil talk.
> 
> As always you can find me on [tumblr.](http://stjosten.tumblr.com)


	11. Polyphony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: implied/referenced drug use, withdrawals from drug abuse, implied/referenced drug abuse, past drug addiction, mentions of drugs by name, implied/referenced sexual content, non-explicit sexual content

#### Paris - July 24

Neil didn’t feel well for a few days after stopping the drugs. He went from being incredibly hot to incredibly cold, from wanting to be pressed up against Andrew and completely enveloped by his body heat, to wanting to be in a cold ice bath somewhere very far away. There were certain smells he couldn’t stomach and sometimes he had to drag his hand over his arm over and over to stop the aching around the dip of his elbow.

He constantly felt like someone was following him and he checked over his shoulder every couple of seconds just to be sure that he was alone. He was more snappy with the others than usual, but they didn’t pay him any mind. They all knew something that Neil hadn’t known anyway.

Apparently everything he was feeling and every way that he was acting was absolutely indicative of withdrawals. He didn’t necessarily _crave_ the drugs, he just felt this strange lingering loss of something that he couldn’t put his finger on. When he figured out what it was he felt both sick and ashamed of himself.

He was too afraid to share it with Andrew so he had gone to Matt, who quickly tucked him under his arm and began to talk through the entire, painful withdrawal process. None of it sounded pleasant and as each day passed Neil hit new lows that he hadn’t hit the day before. 

One morning he woke up violent from a nightmare and accidentally punched Andrew in the face. He couldn’t look at him for the rest of the day even as Andrew claimed over and over that it was fine. One night he snapped at Renee and then proceeded to cry on her shoulder because he couldn’t stop the tears once they had started. 

He felt out of control, he felt unsafe in his own skin, he felt unmade. 

Andrew didn’t try to pick up the pieces. He let Neil fall apart and then simply stood there and waited for Neil to put himself back together. Neil was grateful. He didn’t want to burden the others with his crumbling psyche or his fractured health state. He wanted to learn to pick himself up again. Andrew understood this and he never pushed, but he was always there waiting when Neil finally came out the other side, worse for wear and a bit unsteady, but there and alive and trying.

Wymack was a silent force of encouragement that Neil hadn’t expected. The others had told him about Stuart staying in the house and Neil had been both betrayed and embarrassed. Wymack had taken one look at Neil’s anxious face and promised to keep Stuart away until Neil was ready. This had led to a silent agreement that Neil could rely on Wymack when he needed to. It was refreshing and healing to finally have an older male in his life that didn’t want to cause direct bodily harm. Neil relished in it. 

After four days had passed, Neil finally felt like he could breathe without his lungs giving out on him. He felt like he could curl into a ball next to Andrew and press his cold feet against Andrew’s calves without feeling out of control or dirty. Andrew let him and hummed out a silent yes when Neil ghosted the tips of his fingers across his chest and collarbone, mapping out imaginary constellations through the thin fabric of his shirt. 

They never went beyond light touches and warm lips pressed against lips but Neil didn’t mind. It was what he needed. Something soft and grounding that reminded him that he was a person. A person with a body and a mind and a support system that wasn’t going to let him drown in himself. Neil wanted to carve a hole in Andrew’s chest and make a home for himself there. He suspected that he already had a spot in Andrew that was all his own, but it didn’t stop the inevitable _want_ for more that always laid just under the surface. 

He wanted, _always_. It was enough to know that he could probably have it someday. 

In the early hours of the morning, Neil and Andrew were curled against each other like one warm blooded beast with two hearts. Neil kept running his fingers over the fabric of Andrew’s shirt, his hands catching on the dip of his stomach before turning back upwards again. Andrew hummed low in the back of his throat in approval and let his own hands wander across the expanse of Neil’s back. 

Every touch felt like a reassurance. 

_You’re real,_ Andrew’s fingers whispered against his skin.

 _You can have this,_ Andrew’s lips pressed into the underside of his jaw. 

When they were just at the point of it being too much, of wanting hands to find the spots _lower_ , _lower,_ _lower_ , they pulled apart. Just a few inches of breathing room, their hands stopping and settling against warm skin. 

“You’re feeling better,” Andrew whispered into the skin just below Neil’s jaw. Neil let out a soft noise that sounded like a hum or a whisper of something nonsensical. The sound left Andrew huffing out a warm laugh against Neil’s skin, which in turn sent a full body shiver through Neil that ended right where his toes met Andrew’s warm skin. 

“I am,” Neil whispered back. He let his fingers run their course up Andrew’s chest until they caught on the edge of his jaw. They traced a lazy line up to his ear and back again. 

Andrew nuzzled closer in response and Neil smiled. He tried to hide it by pressing his lips against Andrew’s temple but he was quickly caught anyway. 

“Something funny?” Andrew asked, teasing and light, he removed himself from Neil’s neck and pressed a warm kiss to Neil’s lips. 

“No,” Neil replied, but he was still smiling. He leaned forward and stole one more and then another and another until they were once again breathing the same air and pressing hands against sleep-warm skin. It wasn’t desperate or fervent as it sometimes was. It was slow, so slow, and warm and Neil was melting into Andrew’s mouth and into the palm of his hands. 

He almost couldn’t take it. He almost pulled back and asked Andrew to just _touch him_ but he didn’t because soon Andrew was pulling away and placing feather light kisses against his nose and then his cheek and then his forehead. Neil could only let out a warm laugh when Andrew’s lips ghosted across the ticklish skin right under the back of his ear. He felt Andrew’s lips twist in a small smile against his skin and it felt like a victory. 

“We should get up,” Neil said finally, his breathing uneven and his body far too warm, “I have to talk to Stuart eventually.” 

Andrew pulled away completely and leaned back so he could look directly in Neil’s eyes. 

“Are you sure about that?” Andrew asked, “Are you ready?” 

Neil nodded. “I feel better than I have the last few days. I don’t constantly want to knock someone out so that’s a huge plus.”

Andrew didn’t look so sure. Neil had a sinking suspicion that there was something else bothering him about Neil talking to Stuart. The only way to find out was to ask. 

“What is it?” Neil asked, running a finger along Andrew’s cheekbone, “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing,” Andrew replied. It was such a lie that Neil wondered why Andrew had even bothered to try and tell it.

“What’s wrong?” Neil insisted, “You’re supposed to tell me when something is wrong.” 

“Am I?” Andrew asked, amused, “I don’t remember _that_ conversation.” 

Neil was having absolutely none of it. 

“I thought it was clear when you told me to stay,” Neil said, “When you said always.” 

Andrew immediately realized what Neil was doing. He let out a deep sigh and said, “That isn’t fair. I hate when you throw things back at me like this.” 

Neil could only look smug. Andrew sighed again. 

“Fine,” Andrew said, “Stuart is going to ask you to do something incredibly stupid and dangerous and I really want you to say no.” 

“I don’t even know what it is yet,” Neil replied, which made Andrew’s face twist in disapproval, “I can’t say no if I don’t know what it is.” 

“The problem is that you’ll say yes,” Andrew said softly, “Which means you need to say no.” 

“That doesn’t make sense,” Neil replied, trying to force Andrew to just be straight about it, “If I’m going to say yes why would I say no.” 

“Because I don’t want to lose you,” Andrew replied immediately, and then just as quickly looked embarrassed and angry for saying it outloud. 

“You won’t,” Neil reassured, leaning closer to try and accentuate his point, “I promised.”

“It was an unrealistic promise,” Andrew replied, “I know that now.” 

“What changed?” 

“All of this,” Andrew replied, waving his hand around the room as if it was the room’s fault Neil had to be drugged for so long, “Everything.”

“If I tell you I’ll be careful will you stop worrying?” Neil asked. Andrew scoffed at him and gave him a firm, “No.” 

It was Neil’s turn to sigh dramatically at Andrew. Andrew didn’t appreciate it. He gave Neil his signature glare and poked him in the side. Neil only pushed his hand away. 

“I’ll talk to Stuart and see what he wants,” Neil said finally, “I’m not worried about it, so you shouldn’t worry about it.” 

“You have no idea how little that helps,” Andrew replied, “But fine. I won’t let you say yes. You’ll understand as soon as you talk to him.” 

“Okay,” Neil replied. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Andrew’s for one last warm kiss. Andrew accepted this for a moment and then several more before he pulled away. 

“I have to get up,” Andrew said softly, “My fucking legs-” 

Neil rolled away immediately and watched as Andrew stood and shook out both of his aching limbs before pacing back and forth across the bedroom as he did every morning. Neil always watched him, splayed across the bed like a renaissance painting. Andrew would flick his gaze to Neil’s half covered form before quickly looking away again. It left Neil feeling a touch of pride.

“Is it worse when we sleep close?” Neil asked, “You know, like do I make your legs fall asleep.”

“Don’t ask stupid questions,” Andrew replied, “It’s fine. It’s always like this.” 

“That doesn’t make me feel better,” Neil replied, “I want to make sure that I’m not hurting you. So just be honest.” 

“It doesn’t matter either way,” Andrew replied tersely, “I wake up and my legs and arms are full of pins and needles. It always happens whether you’re crushing me with your clinginess or not.” 

“Wow,” Neil replied, looking mock hurt, “You really just called _me_ clingy.” 

Andrew scowled at him but didn’t argue. Neil gave him a satisfied smile in return. 

Neil pulled himself out of bed and went about getting dressed while Andrew continued his laps across the room. 

The once empty bottle where Neil kept his inhibitors was now full to the brim. Aaron and Katelyn had made several batches for them just in case. When all of the ingredients were gone they had at least 100 capsules of inhibitors. They were already planning to make more. 

Neil didn’t know how to thank them for doing this for him. He didn’t know if it would be awkward to just approach Aaron on his own. He debated asking Andrew for help, but decided against it. As much as Neil felt insecure about the entire thing, he felt like this was something he should do on his own. 

Neil finished dressing and stretched his arms up and over his head. Andrew’s pacing slowed to a halt across the room. They caught eyes for several seconds, Neil gave him a warm smile and Andrew’s eyes softened ever so slightly. 

They went about their morning routines separately. When Neil was dressed and feeling much more awake and alive, he waited for Andrew at the top of the stairs. Andrew gave him a once over and rolled his eyes when he saw that Neil was wearing his favorite hoodie. 

“Get your own clothes,” Andrew complained, but he reached out and gave Neil a warm caress across his cheek before walking down the stairs. 

They went their separate ways, Andrew to the living room to go about his morning routine with Abby, and Neil to the kitchen so he could scavenge for food. He walked in to find Dan, Matt, and Renee chirping happily to one another. 

Neil didn’t pay them any mind. Dan stopped to give him a warm smile and gently squeeze his arm before pulling away. Matt waved enthusiastically at him and Renee gave her usual all-knowing smile. Neil sighed at them.

“Morning,” Renee commented, “Coffee?” 

“Yes,” Neil said immediately, “I’m going to need it.” 

“Big plans?” Dan asked, leaning on the counter with her elbows. She had a plate of half-eaten waffles in front of her and a collection of untouched strawberries that had been forced to one side. Dan smiled and pushed the plate towards Neil as an offering. Neil shook his head and went to the fruit bowl to grab a pear instead. 

“Have to talk to Uncle Stuart,” Neil said, and then flinched at himself for referring to Stuart like that, he didn’t want to associate it with the man that his mother had very repeatedly told Neil to avoid. “Unfortunately,” he added for good measure. 

Dan nodded in understanding. “We’ll all be there for you,” She said, “You don’t have to do it alone.” 

“I know you all know what he’s going to ask me,” Neil said, “Andrew made it very clear this morning that he wants me to say no.” 

Dan and Matt gave each other apprehensive looks before turning back to Neil. He scowled at them. 

“You have to make your own decisions,” Renee said calmly, “Andrew is just-”

Matt and Dan interrupted in unison to say:

“Stubborn?” 

“Possessive.” 

Respectively.

“Protective,” Renee corrected, smiling at Matt and Dan as if they were joking, Neil knew they weren’t, “He’s worried about you.” 

“Don’t let him hear you say that,” Dan chided under her breath. Neil didn’t argue with her, she had a point. Andrew hated when the cluster _knew_ him so well. It made him feel too seen. 

“Is it really that bad?” Neil asked, “What Stuart wants to ask me?” 

Renee went quiet for a moment and Dan and Matt both looked at each other again in apprehension. Neil glowered at them all.

“Fine,” He said, grabbing the coffee that Renee had just finished putting together for him, “Don’t tell me.” 

He leaned against the counter and went back and forth between his pear and coffee, listening to Dan and Matt bicker about something or other that Neil couldn’t be bothered to listen in on.

Neil was far too preoccupied with thinking of his very unruly Uncle that was stationed somewhere inside their safe house. Mary had been very clear throughout their time on the run, never call Stuart, never trust Stuart, never go to Stuart. She always had rules that Neil had to follow, rules that he supremely broke not long after his mother had passed, but this was one that Neil had never even considered breaking. 

He didn’t know Stuart’s connection to the Moriyamas or to BPO but he knew that his mother was terrified of involving him in their lives after they ran. Neil didn’t know if it was because Mary wasn’t willing to reach out to her brother or if it was because of his connections to the mafia in England.

Wymack trusted him enough to bring him here and Neil had started to doubt his mother’s perception of safety when he finally met his cluster. There was no way that Wymack would put them in immediate danger, he had been fiercely protecting this cluster since the moment he had met Kevin and he had been searching for them even before that day.

There was no way to know if he could trust Stuart until he spoke to him. Neil would be the judge of his trustworthiness. Neil also knew that if Stuart offered something that would help them take down the Moriyamas that he would say yes. No matter how much it pissed Andrew off. 

“You okay?” Renee asked suddenly, her voice low and just for him. Neil looked at her in bemusement until he realized that he had been leaning against the counter in his own world for well over 10 minutes. 

“Fine,” Neil claimed, “Just thinking.” 

Renee hummed in reply. She took the empty mug from Neil’s hand and placed it in the sink to clean up later. “Just because you’re blocked from our connection doesn’t mean I can’t tell what you’re thinking.” 

Neil let out an amused huff of air. 

“I didn’t know you were psychic _and_ a sensate. You’re just full of surprises,” Neil teased.

“Thank you,” Renee said genuinely. She placed a warm hand on Neil’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “Don’t worry too much,” She said, “We’ll get through all of this. Someday this will just be a fond memory we share at reunion dinners.” 

Neil didn’t want to think about the future. He wanted to think about here and now. 

“I’m going to go get Andrew,” Neil said suddenly, stepping away from the counter and throwing his unfinished pear into the trash can, “I want to get this over with.” 

Renee nodded and moved to follow him out of the kitchen and into the living room. They had definitely started to make a big mess of the Paris safe house. Dan’s stuff was scattered across the living room, her computer setup taking up half of the space. Abby and Andrew were on one of the couches, Aaron hovering not far away. Neil lingered awkwardly at the door for a moment until Andrew looked up at him and his uncertainty melted away. 

Neil walked into the room and Andrew shuffled forward on the couch, both legs stretched out in front of him, so that Neil could sit at his back. As soon as Neil was settled Andrew leaned back into him. 

“Good?” Neil asked, resting his chin on Andrew’s shoulder and watching as Abby poked and prodded at his legs as she always did. 

“Good,” Andrew replied under his breath. 

“It’s getting better,” Abby said, “He didn’t try to kick me at all today.” 

“Wow,” Neil said, feigning surprise. He squeezed Andrew’s arms lightly. “I’m so proud of you.” 

Andrew gave Neil a fierce side eye before looking back to Abby. She capped the cream once again and handed Andrew his pile of vitamins and a bottle of water. Neil watched Andrew take all of them in one go and swallow them down with a swig of water, appreciating the bob of his Adam's apple. 

“Are you ready to talk to Stuart?” Abby asked, “Or have you done that already?” 

“I’m ready,” Neil replied, “We should get it over with.” 

Abby nodded gently and gave Neil a hard look before saying, “You have a choice, Neil. Don’t ever forget that.” 

Neil hated that everyone knew what Stuart wanted but him. He gave Abby a calm look and nodded instead of verbally replying. He didn’t trust himself not to say something scathing, especially since he was still on edge from the withdrawal.

Abby didn’t question him or push any further. She nodded in understanding and moved to leave the living room, before she left she said, “I’ll go get Wymack.” 

Neil watched her disappear and let out a long sigh. Andrew shifted against him and swung his legs over the side of the couch, pushing his pants back down to his ankles. Neil half expected Andrew to move away but he didn’t, he settled back onto the couch and stretched an arm over the back, behind Neil. It was a protective position that left Neil feeling surrounded by warmth. 

“Do you want me to leave for this?” Aaron asked, looking between Neil and Andrew before settling on his brother.

“No,” Neil replied, before Andrew had the chance, “You can stay if you really want.” 

Aaron made no indication if he was pleased or not by this answer. He moved from the side of the couch and took up post in one of the chairs near the door, most likely so he could make a quick escape if need be. 

Neil still didn’t know how to interact with Aaron. Especially not after Andrew told him how Neil had acted when he was high out of his mind and Aaron watched over him. It was equal parts embarrassment and shame, two emotions that were taking hold over Neil’s entire being lately. He wasn’t sure what Aaron thought of him. He was impossible to read and his emotions were often a tremulous war across his face, leaving it impossible to pinpoint what he was feeling at any given moment. 

Andrew obviously had a better read on his brother, they had silent conversations that consisted of a single lift of an eyebrow or a twitch of a lip. Neil couldn’t understand it, but then again he would often lock eyes with a member of the cluster from across the room and know exactly that they were thinking, connection or not. 

“Do you want me to get the others?” Renee suddenly asked.

Neil shrugged. “Sure,” He replied, “Just make sure that they keep their protests to a minimum.” 

Renee chuckled gently and nodded, “Will do.” 

She didn’t bother leaving the room. Neil saw the moment that she had left her body vacant to go off and gather the others through their connection. Neil still wasn’t used to seeing the others visit outside of their body. It was one thing when he could _feel_ it and another when he was simply an outsider to the entire affair. 

Aaron was watching Renee with vague curiosity before he said, “I will never get used to that.” 

Neil agreed wholeheartedly. 

It didn’t take long for the rest of the cluster to file into the living room and take up their spots across the room. Kevin sat beside Andrew and gave Neil a look that said _don’t do anything I wouldn’t do_ that Neil pointedly ignored because he knew that it would piss Kevin off. 

Seth came in with Allison looking cheerier than normal, they sat down on the short love seat and Allison opened her arms for Renee to come sit on her lap, as she often did. As soon as Renee was settled Seth was reaching out and ruffling the white blonde hair on Renee’s head. She pushed his hand away but smiled like she thought it was funny. 

Dan and Matt went to Dan’s work space and leaned against the wall beside the make-shift desk. They were leaning into each other and whispering under their breath, so low that Neil couldn’t hear a word of it from where he was sitting. It was odd to see them disengage from the group so much, Neil wondered if they were taking Renee’s warning of them keeping their protests and comments to a minimum to heart. He appreciated it anyway, even if he wished that he could have Dan’s calm and fierce energy a bit closer. 

Abby and Wymack appeared a moment later followed by the man that Neil thought he would never have the chance of meeting. 

He had seen pictures of Stuart that Mary had kept hidden in the top drawer of her bedside table in their home in Baltimore. Most of the photos were family snapshots from when they were younger and living in England.

The man standing in front of him wasn’t much different from the man in those old photos. The only change in his face was that his nose was slightly more crooked and there were wrinkles on the edges of his eyes as if he had been squinting or glaring for the majority of his life.

Right now he was doing neither. He walked in and caught sight of Neil on the couch and immediately smiled a wide, toothy grin. A look that was so similar to the young photos of Mary Hatford, that it awoke the curling beast of anxiety inside of Neil’s stomach. Andrew must have felt him tense, because the arm that was wrapped around the back of the couch moved so that his hand was a warm, unrelenting weight on the back of Neil’s neck. 

Neil let out a deep, shaky breath and counted to 10 in both Spanish and French to calm himself. 

“Hi, Uncle Stuart,” Neil said dumbly.

“Hi, Nathaniel,” Stuart said, “Or should I say Neil- Sorry, kid it’s hard to get used to.” 

Neil tried not to let the name send a spike of anxiety through his chest but it was a fool’s errand. He immediately felt as if he was overheating, his stomach flipping uncomfortably. 

“It’s fine,” Neil forced out through gritted teeth. Andrew’s hand squeezed a bit more firmly on his neck. Neil tried to let it ground him. 

“I’m sure you know why I’m here,” Stuart said, he walked further into the room and stopped in the center of the cluster, facing Neil with Dan, Matt, Abby, and Wymack to his back. Neil felt a tiny bit better knowing that they were covered from all angles. 

“I don’t really,” Neil said, “Wymack says you know a way to take down the Moriyamas. I’m interested to know why you’re connected with them in the first place. Are you one of them?” 

Stuart let out an indignant noise and then laughed loudly. “Fuck, of course not. I started looking into them the moment Mary ran off to the US to work for them. The family wasn’t exactly thrilled with their work, it’s easy to see right through their fake non-profit bullshit when you have connections like I do.” 

“You mean connections to the mob?” Neil asked, unimpressed. At least he tried to make it sound that way, inside he felt like he was one false move from throwing up onto the floor in front of him. 

“You can say that,” Stuart replied, “I’m sure your mother told you all about what the Hatfords do.” 

Yes, she had. The Hatfords were powerful in that they controlled almost every smuggling ring in Great Britain. Nothing went in or out of England without them knowing about it.

“Yes,” Neil replied, “That doesn’t explain why you’re so interested in BPO. Are you a sensate?” 

“Gods no,” Stuart replied quickly, “That’s all your mother. I knew that she was different but didn’t understand until she met her cluster.” He looked over his shoulder towards Wymack and Abby before quickly looking back, neither gave him any sort of reaction. “When she went off to work for BPO I knew that something was fishy about them. There was no way an organization of that size would be interested in _pure_ research. If the Hatfords are anything they’re very loyal and very protective. I started looking into the Moriyamas and I haven’t stopped.” 

“If you were so interested in taking them down,” Neil started, sorting his thoughts as best as he could but his words coming out jumbled and confusing, “Why did you wait until now? Why not take care of it as soon as you figured out what they were doing?” 

“Because they had you,” Stuart explained. Neil’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Stuart let out a sigh and explained. 

“We would have done something sooner,” Stuart explained, “But Mary was very insistent that we minded our own business, even after she married that _bastard_ and had you, she wouldn’t let us take one step in the Moriyamas direction. Warned us that the retaliations wouldn’t just fall back on the Hatfords or on herself, but that they would fall on _you_. I could have done something as soon as I heard that Mary had taken you and ran, but-” He paused and took in a deep breath before saying, “We didn’t know where you were and what the consequences would be if we acted without having you both in a secure location. I didn’t even know that Mary died until-”

“So you did nothing,” Neil asked, annoyed and a bit frustrated by the entire thing, “You _knew_ what they were up to you and you did nothing.” 

“Not exactly,” Stuart said quickly, “We started putting things into motion. I have some very strong connections within BPO, very important people, mind you, that want to see the entire organization crumble. It took time and it wasn’t easy, but it was necessary to make these next steps possible.” 

“What next steps?” Neil asked, “What are you going to ask of us?” 

The room went so silent that Neil thought he could hear the walls creaking from the strong wind outside. No one dared to move a muscle or to even breathe too loud as they waited for Stuart to explain his plan. Neil felt the beast of his anxiety rawr to life and stab him straight up to his chest. He counted to ten in Dutch to ground himself, but it barely helped, he tried to focus on Andrew’s warm hand but it didn’t help either. 

“We agreed,” Stuart explained, “That the best way to get to the head of the beast is to cut off their limbs one by one. The most dangerous pieces on the board are- well, I’m sure you’re familiar with your father and his people.” 

Lola. Romero. Names that haunted Neil when he was awake and when he was asleep. Both were just as vindictive and evil as his father and they had their hand in the many scars that decorated Neil’s body.

Andrew’s hand moved from his neck and went about rubbing soothing lines up and down his spine. Neil focused entirely on the touch and let the slide of his fingers pull away each and every one of those memories until Neil could only see the living room in front of him and the faces of his cluster by his side. 

Moments like this he missed their shared connection. He missed their unwavering love and support that poured into him freely and without any strings attached. Neil pretended for a moment that he could feel it, but it wasn’t the same. 

“What do you want then?” Neil asked, strained, “How do you suggest _we_ go about getting rid of them? I won’t- I won’t risk my cluster for him. I won’t let him-”

“No one will get hurt,” Stuart said quickly, “I will make sure of it. All we need to do is lure Nathan out and then strike as soon as we have him in the open.” 

“How do you suggest we do that?” Neil asked, “I’m sure you have some plan.” 

“We use your connection to Nathan to lure them out,” Stuart said quickly, ripping the band aid right off. It hurt just the same. 

“You-” Neil said before stopping and then trying again, “You want-” He went quiet once more. He could feel Andrew radiating pure anger beside him, his entire body tense where it was pressed against Neil’s side. 

“He wants to use you as fucking bait,” Andrew said for Neil, his voice was full of barely contained rage, “And it’s not fucking happening. I already told him to fuck off.” 

If Neil thought about it. Really, _really_ thought about it, it would be the perfect plan. He could go alone, with only Stuart’s people for back up, that would keep his cluster out of immediate danger, he could lure Nathan, Lola, and Romero out of hiding and as soon as they were in arms reach Stuart’s men could execute them. 

It was almost a perfect plan. A plan that would definitely and without a doubt fail in some way, but a plan that Neil found himself realizing was their best and only option. Andrew had been right. Neil was going to say yes. 

“I told you, brat,” Stuart started, looking directly at Andrew, “I would have Hatford people on him at all times. Nathaniel- Neil wouldn’t go in alone and as soon as Nathan and his band of merry _ass wipes_ showed up we would execute them. I wouldn’t willingly send Neil in if I wasn’t sure that we could protect him.” 

Neil knew that it was stupid. He knew that it was a mistake. He knew that he shouldn’t trust Stuart, but the thought of seeing his father, the man that had tortured Neil for his entire childhood, fall at his hands, was too much for him to pass up. It was an unrealistic pipe dream that left him feeling a warm curl of revenge and satisfaction. 

Neil sucked in a deep breath, he opened his mouth, he said, “I’ll do it.” 

Andrew immediately ripped his arm away and hooked a finger into the collar of Neil’s- no Andrew’s hoodie and forced Neil to turn and look at him.

“I told you to say no,” Andrew said, low and angry.

Neil shook his head. “I know,” He said softly, as softly as he could manage, “But think about it-” 

“I’m not thinking about it,” Andrew replied, “And you clearly aren’t thinking at all. I am not going to just hand you to your father on a silver platter.” 

“But if we can intercept him before he _does_ anything,” Neil said, “If we can cut them off why wouldn’t we be willing to take that risk?” 

“If it was anyone else in this cluster you would say no,” Andrew said, “You don’t get to offer yourself up like a fucking martyr but hold the rest of us at a higher standard.” 

And, _oh_ that sounded familiar. Neil remembered the conversation with Andrew on Allison’s balcony in London. But that- that wasn’t _this_ and Neil wasn’t Andrew and Neil was very willing to die if it meant that he could jump start the process of removing the Moriyamas all together. 

He didn’t know how to express this without causing Andrew to hate him. There was no safe way to convince Andrew, or any of the others, that this was a good idea. Neil tried to let his eyes convey what he was thinking, he looked directly at Andrew, ice blue and golden hazel, to try and convince him that this was a real option, that Neil knew the risks, that he was willing to _take_ them.

If Andrew saw what Neil was trying to convey then he either didn’t appreciate it or he completely ignored it. Andrew released his hold on Neil’s collar and stood from the couch. Neil watched him with wide eyes as a wall went up around him, a wall that Neil had been allowed past just this morning, a wall that Neil didn’t think Andrew would ever force between them. 

“If you want to die,” Andrew said, his voice blank and devoid of any emotion. Neil felt like he had been shot. “Then be my guest.” 

He walked out of the room and Neil watched him go, eyes wide and hands twitching on his lap. Renee immediately moved from Allison and took Andrew’s spot beside Neil but Neil didn’t acknowledge her. His eyes stayed on the doorway long after Andrew had left. 

“I know that you're well, I know that _Andrew_ doesn’t believe me when I say that I will keep you safe,” Stuart said, “But, I promise that you will make it out of this in one piece. We will cover you from all angles. We will keep you guarded and in the end we will have Nathan Wesninski’s head on a platter.” 

Neil very much liked the sound of that, but he didn’t allow himself to feel the satisfaction of those words. The only thing that was going through his mind was _Andrew, Andrew, Andrew_. 

“I can’t-” Neil started, and upon hearing how broken his voice was, how completely ragged with emotions he sounded, he stopped and looked to Renee for assistance. 

“What I think Neil is attempting to say,” Renee replied calmly, “Is that he won’t do this without Andrew being on his side. So we may need some more time to work things out.” 

Stuart let out a low sigh but nodded all the same. 

“Fine,” Stuart said shortly, “Don’t take too long. It’s about time we got rid of these fucking BPO wankers once and for all.” 

Neil nodded and stood from the couch. As much as he wanted to get rid of his father, as much as he wanted to see Lola and Romero _crumble_ , he knew that it would mean nothing in the end if Andrew decided to leave him behind.

Neil walked out of the room without a second word. As soon as he left he heard the rest of the cluster break out into chatter. He ignored them in favor of going straight to the stairs and heading up towards their room. A firm hand on his elbow stopped him and he spun around to see Aaron standing in the hallway, looking unsure of himself but steady. 

“What?” Neil bit out, sounding far more callous than he had intended. 

Aaron took it in stride. “Andrew would die for you,” Aaron said, as if it wasn’t something Neil already knew, “I’m sure you wouldn’t want him to, but he would. Consider it the other way around and then I think you’ll understand why he’s angry right now.” 

Aaron released him and all Neil could do was stare back in surprise, his eyes wide and his lips parted slightly. 

Neil didn’t have anything to say to that. He nodded once and turned to run up the stairs and go straight to their shared room. He could already hear Andrew stomping about. As soon as he opened the door he was greeted by the sight of Andrew angrily throwing anything within reach across the room. Neil let out a deep sigh and stepped in, closing the door loudly so that Andrew could hear him coming. 

“What?” Andrew spit out, turning on his heel and catching sight of Neil in the doorway, “I have _nothing_ to say to you.” 

“Yes you do,” Neil replied, hotly, “You have a lot to say to me apparently. So why don’t you just get it over with?” 

Andrew dropped whatever had been in his hand and stormed across the room like a category five hurricane, all rolling anger and unrelenting force. 

“I told you,” Andrew said, pointing a finger in Neil’s face, “I fucking told you to say no.” 

“You also told me that I would say yes,” Neil replied, “And I did. This shouldn’t be a surprise to you.” 

“Oh, Neil,” Andrew cooed, sounding much more mocking and angry than he had ever been towards Neil before, his name no longer holding the usual weight that Andrew said it with. It sounded foreign and unfamiliar to Neil’s ears. “Are you fucking stupid? Did the drugs fuck your entire thought process? I told you to say _no_.” 

“And I said _yes_ ,” Neil replied, his voice tight with anger, “And I would say it again. I want this to be _over_ , Andrew! I might not know Stuart that well, but I believe him when he says that he won’t let anything happen to me. And you know what? So _what_ if it does?” Andrew very clearly didn’t like that. His face twisted in anger but Neil ignored it and kept going, “Do you really think that it wouldn’t be worth it? One life for all of the future clusters we would be protecting? We get rid of Nathan and we get rid of his lackeys and we start a war and we _win_. I would die for that. No questions asked.” 

“You have no self preservation skills,” Andrew said, “For someone who ran for so fucking long you _really_ just want to hand yourself straight to the grim reaper. I won’t stand here and let you just _die_ on me. I gave you always and I intend to see it through.” 

Neil let in a slow breath and reached out and took hold of the front of Andrew’s shirt. Andrew didn’t flinch away or push his hand off, he let Neil hook his fingers into the soft material and _tug_ causing Andrew to take one step closer to Neil, their chests barely touching. 

“You’re so quick to decide that I’m going to die,” Neil said, “I won’t die. I promised you always and I plan to give it to you. I know that if I did die that you would be okay- No, don’t pull away from me, shut up and listen. You would be _okay_ without me, you have the cluster you have Aaron and your cousin Nicky. You would be okay. But, there are people out there who will die and suffer if we don’t help them. If we don’t stop this. In fact, if we just sit here and do nothing, then the Moriyamas will show up and knock on our door one day. Then what? Do we do nothing and let BPO win, let them kill our entire cluster, or do we fucking try?” 

Andrew was quiet. The hazel of his eyes were dark and stormy. Neil felt the fire that had ignited in the living room slowly turning to a slow smolder in Andrew’s chest. Neil pressed his hand closer until he could feel the familiar beat of Andrew’s heart. Andrew’s hand flew up suddenly, and Neil was sure that he was going to pull his hand away, but he didn’t, he simply placed his own hand over Neil’s and _pressed._

“I don’t want to lose you,” Andrew said softly, “What do you want me to say?” 

“That you trust me,” Neil replied, “That you trust me to come back to you. Always.” 

“I don’t trust them to give you back,” Andrew replied, “And I don’t give a fuck about any one else. Let them come after us, let them kill every cluster on this planet. I would sooner hand the entirety of France to the Moriyamas before I let your father take you from me.” 

Neil knew that he shouldn’t but he couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped his lips at those words, it was less of a laugh and more of an amused breath that passed right out of Neil and straight into Andrew’s space. Andrew only frowned at him, an ever so slight downturn of lips that left Neil thinking _he’s so cute_.

“You wouldn’t,” Neil replied, “You can pretend you don’t care about the well being of others but I know it’s bullshit. That’s why you started this war with BPO in the first place. For Kevin and then for the rest of the clusters that they were hurting.” Neil tugged Andrew just a breath closer, so close that Neil’s words were practically spoken straight into Andrew’s mouth. “I will not die. I will come back to you. I will always come back to you. Believe me or stick around to figure it out on your own. I’m going to act as bait for my father and then we’re going to kill him and as soon as he is dead I am going to come back to you. We can piss on his grave or something if that will make you feel better.” 

“I hate you,” Andrew said, and Neil knew that he had won.

“I love you,” Neil replied, “Even if you’re willing to kill all of France for me.”

“Idiot,” Andrew said and then he kissed him. 

Neil didn’t experience their second birth. He never had the chance to know what it felt like to take their second breath together, all at once, united, as one collective being, but he thought that it might feel like this.

Everything else disappeared, there was only Andrew’s hot breath, and Andrew’s warm hands, and Andrew’s wet lips and Neil was _falling_. Every part of him was unmade and then put back together again. It felt like every harsh breath when he was running, like every tug of their connection when they were apart. 

It was hard to stop when they had started. So they didn’t.

They moved as one, shedding every layer of clothing until there was nothing but warm skin and harsh breaths. Andrew pressed Neil into the mattress and placed warm, open mouthed kisses across the expanse of his chest, overwriting every single scar all the way down to his hip bones. Neil couldn’t control his breathing or the mewling sounds he made as Andrew set about taking him apart.

Andrew pressed every unspoken word into Neil’s skin as he always did. A whispered confession that consisted of their _always_ , their _I want you_ , their _I love you._

It felt a lot like falling and a lot like being found. 

When Andrew leaned up and took them both into his hand, Neil reached up and pressed a hand to Andrew’s chest, as if he could press straight through the skin and wrap his hand around his erratically beating heart. Andrew’s free hand came up to cover his own. Neil didn’t look away not as the world tilted around him, not as he let out a low moan and came across his stomach. He didn’t look away as Andrew bit down on his lower lip to stop himself from groaning as he came right after him. 

They stayed that way for far too long, several minutes, hours, days, Andrew’s hand still wrapped around them, Neil’s palm warm and sweaty against Andrew’s chest, their breathing erratic and harsh. 

When they had both come down enough to move they went about cleaning each other off, silently, gently, and when Neil’s stomach was no longer a sticky mess they curled around one another. Neil’s head resting against Andrew’s solid shoulder, Andrew’s arm slung under and around the curve of Neil’s back and waist. They didn’t speak for a long time. Neil let his fingers trail a line down Andrew’s chest, stopping at his naval before going back up again. 

Neil was content to just _exist_. To finally just be _Neil_. Not a sensate, not bait, not a Wesninski or a Hatford. He was a person and right now the entirety of his being started and stopped where his skin met Andrew’s. 

It was unrealistic to think that the world wouldn’t catch up to them. Neil wanted to pretend that he could be okay, just as they had pretended the day before Neil’s inhibitors had run out. He wanted to close his eyes and imagine that this was _it_. The same city every night, the same bed, the same firm embrace, the same arms that he could fall right into _over and over and over_. 

Neil knew better than to pretend and play ignorant to the entire world around them. So when Andrew’s hand reached up and wrapped around Neil’s over his stomach, stopping the slow, leisurely crawl back and forth, Neil knew that they needed to talk about it. They had to talk about Stuart, they had to talk about the Moriyamas, they had to talk about Nathan Wesninski. 

Andrew turned his head and pressed warm lips right against Neil’s temple. Neil closed his eyes and soaked it in before Andrew pulled away. 

“I didn’t want it to be like this,” Andrew said, his voice low.

“What do you mean?” Neil asked, turning his head on Andrew’s shoulder so he could get a good look at his face. He knew that Andrew’s words weren’t rejection, but it sparked something in his chest that felt achingly close to fear. 

“This,” Andrew said, gesturing vaguely to their barely covered bodies, “I didn’t want it to happen when we’re pissed off or upset. I didn’t want it to happen when there is an expiration date hanging over our heads.” 

Neil understood it then, the sharp pain in his chest subsided and he found himself nodding against Andrew’s shoulder. 

“I know,” Neil whispered, because he did. He knew that Andrew had wanted to wait until they were more settled, safer, and more prepared. Neil couldn’t deny that he was glad that it happened. It left a sense of clarity in his chest, knowing that they could share this _just in case._ “We can do it a million more times when this is over,” Neil whispered. It was a promise.

Andrew snorted quietly. 

“Sure,” Andrew said, “If we don’t both end up fucking dead.” 

Neil frowned and sat up more, settling on his elbow so he could lean over Andrew and look him directly in the face. 

“I know this isn’t ideal,” Neil said softly. He disentangled their fingers from Andrew’s chest and reached up to push the soft, pale blonde from his forehead. “But it will work out and we will be okay. I’m sure of it.” 

“I don’t trust Stuart,” Andrew replied, “I don’t trust the Moriyamas and I sure as shit don’t trust your father.” 

“Then trust me,” Neil said reverently, “If no one else. Trust me. Trust _us_. Trust the cluster.” 

Andrew didn’t speak for a moment. He looked Neil over, his eyes wandering across his entire face until they settled on Neil’s own. A breath passed between them and Neil was finally the one to break the silence. 

“Don’t leave me,” Neil said, “Because of this.” 

“Never,” Andrew replied immediately.

“I’m going to do it,” Neil whispered, feeling like he couldn’t say the words much louder than that. 

“I know.” 

“I want you to be here when I get back.” 

“I will.” 

“I want to keep you.” 

“You can.” 

Neil nodded and leaned forward to press a long, warm kiss against Andrew’s lips before pulling away. 

“Just don’t die on me,” Andrew said, “And listen to fucking _everything_ Stuart tells you.” 

“I will,” Neil replied. 

Andrew didn’t think that was enough. He reached out and took Neil’s face into his hand, pulling him lower until their noses brushed. 

“Promise,” Andrew said directly against Neil’s lips. 

“Promise.” 

*

#### New York City, New York - July 30

Stuart’s plan was painfully simple. Get to New York City, where the main BPO headquarters was located, take Neil off the inhibitors, go to somewhere well packed and easily recognizable, and tell Nathan to _come get me._ As soon as Nathan made an appearance, or more likely as soon as Lola and Romero made an appearance, Neil would get in their car, go with them to wherever Nathan was, with half of the Hatford crime syndicate tailing them. As soon as the three of them were together, the Hatfords would attack. 

It was simple. It was concise. It would probably _fail_.

Neil was not afraid.

He was standing in the middle of Times Square, off his inhibitors, with the entirety of his cluster at his back, and a handful of Hatfords in the crowd watching over him.

 _I am no longer afraid_ , Neil told himself, _convinced_ himself. 

He believed it.

Stuart’s people weren’t far behind. Neil, who was used to watching his back and cataloging every part of his surroundings, could spot the Hatford criminals from a mile away. Each of them scattered across the very crowded area in different disguises, watching, waiting. Neil had never felt more secure of his own safety before, not even with his father one breath away from appearing. 

The rest of the cluster was back in Allison’s NYC apartment, at least they were _physically_ at the apartment. The entirety of his cluster was standing at his back visiting him and he didn’t have to look to know that Andrew was the one to his left, pressing a firm hand against the small of Neil’s back in a silent reassurance. He also didn’t need to look back to know that Renee was on his right or that Kevin, Seth, Matt, Dan, and Allison were layered behind him in silent and fierce support. 

He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t going to have to do this alone. 

Neil let out a deep breath. He felt the familiar tingling of _something_ in the back of his connection. He pushed back into Andrew’s hand and in return Andrew stepped closer. 

_I can do this,_ Neil told himself, _We can do this._

Neil closed his eyes and counted to 10 in every language he knew. When he opened his eyes again he saw his father standing in front of him. 

Nathan looked uncharacteristically surprised to see Neil in broad daylight, standing with New York City as an imposing backdrop.

“So,” Nathan said, “You’ve finally grown a spine. What’s this then? Finally ready to give yourself up?” 

Neil didn’t speak. He watched as Nathan looked around the area, his eyes searching for any sign of Neil’s cluster. Neil prayed silently that Nathan wouldn’t notice the disguised Hatfords nearby. 

He didn’t. Nathan gave Neil his usual, cruel smile. The one that sent Neil into a panic, the smile that haunted him. 

Neil was surprised to find that it did nothing. He felt nothing as he looked at his father’s twisted smile or his cruel eyes. 

_I am not afraid._

It felt like the truth. 

Neil took in one breath. His entire cluster breathed as one. 

“I’m done hiding,” Neil said, “Come find me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Polyphony: the style of simultaneously combining a number of parts, each forming an individual melody and harmonizing with each other. 
> 
> Next chapter features a (re)birth of sorts, interconnectedness, and Nathan Wesninski (otherwise known as an actual piece of human fecal matter).
> 
> As always you can find me on [Tumblr.](http://stjosten.tumblr.com)


	12. Love Conquers All I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Implied/referenced child birth, (the entire first section is about the cluster’s births which doesn’t describe anything graphic but does mention child birth, blood, and death), homophobic language, implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced torture, torture, bodily harm, blood, threats of violence, people die this chapter but it isn’t anyone you will miss

_On August 8th a woman with a 2.3 million dollar wedding ring, and perfectly manicured nails, gave birth to a small 5 pound 3 ounce girl in an expensive, gold plated bath tub with her midwife in Los Angeles, California. The girl came out covered in blood. The woman took one look at her child and let out a noise of disgust. She never held her. She never reached for her. Allison took her first breath in the arms of a stranger._

_On August 8th a woman in Puerto Rico gave birth to a baby boy inside a well lit hospital room. Her husband was nowhere to be found, but her mother leaned over and pressed warm reassuring kisses to the woman’s forehead. The doctor smiled warm and wide and held the child out towards her. Seth took his first breath with his mother and grand-mother watching over him._

_On August 8th a woman, who had thought she wasn’t due until August 12, went into Labor on the George Washington Bridge in the middle of bumper to bumper traffic in New York City. With the help of her panicking husband, a 911 operator, and two strangers from the car across from them, the woman gave birth in the backseat of her BMW. She laughed happily as the stranger held her son up to her. Matt took his first breath surrounded by happy laughs and wide eyes._

_On August 8th a woman, who was told early on that her pregnancy was high risk, gave birth in an underfunded hospital in Chicago. There was no time in between for the mother to see her daughter. There was only ten seconds between the birth of her child and the woman’s last breath. Dan took her first breath in the arms of a nurse while her mother died right in front of her._

_On August 8th a woman gave birth to a healthy and wide eyed 19 inch baby. She was completely alone, except for the doctor and nurses surrounding her, but she didn’t mind. The woman eagerly took her child from the doctor’s arms and smiled wide and whispered his name against the feature light baby hairs against his forehead. Kevin took his first breath surrounded by warmth and love._

_On August 8th a woman, who did not know she was pregnant, gave birth in her small and dirty studio apartment in Korea. The woman cried and screamed in fear as she gave birth without understanding how it had happened. Renee took her first breath on the hard floor._

_On August 8th a woman in South Carolina gave birth in a hospital room surrounded by doctors and strangers, with her family standing right outside the door. She gave birth to one and then another. She did not ask their weights or lengths. She did not look at them as the nurses cleaned them off. She ignored the doctor when they asked if she wanted to hold them. Andrew took his first breath and was ignored._

_On August 8th a woman in a private medical facility gave birth under the watchful eye of a well known doctor and a kind eyed midwife. Her husband was not in the room and her family was not in the country. Neil took his first breath and was feared for._

_Mary Hatford reached out and took her child from the doctor. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his son’s ear and whispered,_

_“Amor Vincit Omnia.”_

_They took their first breaths as one._

#### New York City, NY - July 30

A nondescript black car with tinted windows pulled up in front of Neil. He knew who it was before the back door even opened. He held his breath, his hands shaking, Andrew still pressed against his back, as Lola Malcolm stepped out of the car, a knife-like smile curving her features. 

She took one look at Neil and that smile grew, her eyes two black holes of chaos. 

“Hello, Junior,” Lola said. She leaned against the side of the car beside the open door and crossed her arms in front of her. Neil guessed that Romero was behind the wheel, ready to drive Neil towards an ill fate. 

The tables would turn, just not soon enough. 

“Lola,” Neil said with punctuation. Andrew leaned his chin against Neil’s shoulder in silent support.

“You’ve really grown,” Lola said, her eyes sweeping over his form with an appreciative look that left Neil feeling disgusting, “I heard from Nathan that you’re a faggot. That’s too bad, I’ve always had a soft spot for redheads.”

Neil clenched his jaw to stop himself from saying anything that would get him killed. He felt the rage starting to build like a fire in Andrew, their connection flaring to life through the shared emotion. 

“What?” Lola continued, when Neil didn’t respond, “Nothing to say? I guess there’s a first for everything.” 

Neil opened his mouth to retort but Andrew poked a firm finger into Neil’s back and stopped him.

“Don’t run your smart mouth,” Andrew said in his ear, before Neil had the chance to lose his composure, “You’ll get yourself killed.” 

“Will you be joining us?” Lola asked, she gestured one arm towards the open door, an offering that Neil really didn’t want to take. “Your father has just been _dying_ to see you again, Nathaniel.” 

“Abram,” Andrew whispered, “Calm.” 

Neil felt anything but _calm_. He tried to keep his expression clear, to let Lola’s words bounce off of him. It was easier said than done. He was ready to confront his father. He was ready to hand himself to them on a silver platter, as Andrew had so tenderly put it. 

This had been Neil’s decision. He wanted this, no _needed_ this, but he couldn’t stop the dark thoughts that teetered right under the surface. 

He didn’t feel like Neil anymore with Lola standing right in front of him. The woman that had poked holes in Neil’s soft flesh as a child. No, he felt as he did when he was just 6 years old and Lola had first pressed a cold knife into his hand. He was small and full of fear, the beast of anxiety in his stomach coming alive and _screaming_ for him to run. 

What would Mary say if she could see him? 

Neil didn’t want to know what his mother would say. He had no other option. This had been the plan. Stuart was watching over him. His _cluster_ was watching over him. He could do this. He wasn’t afraid. 

He wasn’t afraid. 

He wasn’t afraid.

“I’m ready,” Neil lied. He heard Andrew release a slow breath against his ear and then Neil moved. 

He went straight to the open door and ducked inside, letting Lola press her cold hands against his arm and shove him in with more force than necessary. She laughed happily as Neil slipped and hit his head on the side of the roof. He sent her a dirty glare and moved across the seat, letting her follow in after him. 

Lola shut the door and closed the space between them. She lifted her long manicured nails, that looked much more like _claws_ , and ran thin scratches across the expanse of his cheek. 

“I have to say,” Lola said, her voice low in an attempt to sound sultry, it wasn’t working, “You really do look just like Nathan.” Neil tried not to let that send a chill down his spine. “You have his eyes and his nose.” 

Lola leaned forward and pressed her nose to the crown of Neil’s head and took in a deep breath. Neil tried to push her away but her hands hooked into his upper arms and held him still. 

“Amazing,” She whispered before pulling back, running her free hand across Neil’s face once again, her nails leaving behind angry red lines on his skin and a painful tingling sensation, “I can’t wait to break you.” 

She slapped the back of the driver’s seat and the car started moving. Neil could barely make out the top of Romero’s head over the headrest, when he turned to look at the passenger seat he could see Renee’s twisted expression, if he blinked the figure there turned into Andrew.

“I thought I had you in Seattle,” Lola whispered, she moved out of his space and leaned forward into the front of the car before coming back with a thin knife in her hand, “It was so very disappointing when you and your whore mother got away. Where is Mary anyway? Nathan said she’s dead but I find it very hard to believe. Tell me is it true, Nathaniel?” 

Neil didn’t dignify her with an answer. He kept his eyes trained on the passenger seat of the car. Every blink he saw a different member of his cluster staring at him. He let his eyes connect with Andrew’s longer than the others. 

“I asked you a question,” Lola said, she pressed the edge of the knife into the sensitive skin of Neil’s cheekbone. He flinched away instinctively, but it forced the knife to drag across his skin, the burn was enough to force out a noise of protest from the back of his throat. He felt the cluster’s connection in the back of his head, all of them pushing back in anger. 

“It’s true,” Neil replied through gritted teeth, “I buried her in California.” 

Lola hummed and ran the knife back across his cheek, his skin burning and cutting underneath the sharpened tip. Neil clenched his eyes shut and bit his lip to stop from making any noise. He didn’t want her to have the satisfaction. 

“I don’t know if I believe you,” Lola said, she leaned forward towards the driver’s seat and asked Romero, “Do you believe him, Ro?” 

“Don’t know,” Romero replied, Neil tried to ignore the spike of fear at the sound of his voice, “Maybe you need to be more persistent.” 

Lola removed the knife from Neil’s skin and without a moment of hesitation she ran it back down along his cheek, crossing the other bloody line as she went. Neil couldn’t stop the groan of pain he let out, his hands clenching in his lap. 

“Are you telling the truth, Nathaniel?” Lola asked. 

Neil raised his hand and shoved her back an inch, he felt Andrew pulling through their connection, threatening to take over for him. Neil pushed him away as best as he could and sent a glare to the passenger seat where Andrew was looking over him. 

“Hey, now,” Lola said suddenly. She took Neil’s chin in her hand and forced him to look at her, “I asked you a question.”

“I’m telling the truth,” Neil replied, his jaw clenched, “She’s dead.” 

Lola leaned back and looked him over before nodding. 

“I don’t see why you would lie about that,” Lola said. She tipped her head back, as if she was thinking about something, before looking back down at him. “What about your cluster then, hm? Are they watching over you?” 

Neil kept his eyes on Lola, he didn’t dare look anywhere else in case she caught on that he wasn’t alone. 

“Do you have a plan, Junior?” Lola asked, “Trying to pull a fast one on us?” 

“No,” Neil bit out, but it sounded too much like a lie, he immediately flinched as soon as he said it. Lola’s grin seemed to split her face in half, causing a maniacal look to take over her dark eyes. 

“Oh ho!” Lola laughed, “Did you _really_ think we’re that stupid?” 

_Yes._

“Romero,” Lola said, leaning towards the front, “Take the long way. We can’t have Nathaniel’s friends tailing us can we?” 

Neil felt the connection flare in the back of his mind. He tried not to let it pull him away, he refused to let any member of his cluster sit in on this, he refused to let them feel this in his place. He clenched his eyes shut and pushed them away as best as he could. 

“On it,” Romero replied from the front seat. Neil didn’t know where they were going to take him, all he could do was hope that Stuart’s people were close behind and that he could stay conscious long enough to see where they were taking him and pass it along to someone in his cluster. 

“We’re going to have to take care of our little visitor’s aren’t we?” Lola asked. Suddenly it felt like the entirety of his cluster was smashed into the back seat of the car with him. They all watched in horror as Lola leaned forward and popped something in the dashboard. Neil didn’t need to see it to know what she was doing. 

“This is suicide,” Kevin’s voice called out from the other side of the car, Neil didn’t bother to look to see where he was or what horrified expression had taken over his face. 

Neil knew what he had signed up for. 

This was a means to an end. 

He would be fine.

He would be fine. 

Lola reached out and pushed the sleeve up on Neil’s right arm. She took her knife and cut a long line from elbow to pointer finger. Warm blood immediately spilled from the fresh wound. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” Neil cried out, he tried to pry his arm away but Lola held fast and tsked at him.

“We’re going to teach you a lesson,” Lola said, “For thinking that you could set us up. As if it would be so easy.” 

Neil shoved as hard as he could, lifting his leg and kicking Lola square in the stomach. Lola let out a yelp and a loud curse before slashing out in retaliation. She was mid fall against the far end of the seat so the knife only just broke the skin on Neil’s chest, tearing his shirt in the process. 

“What the _fuck_ , Junior?” Lola spit, sitting back up and perching on her knees beside him, “Do you think this is a game?” 

She raised her hand and smacked Neil right over the cuts on his cheek. He let out a low groan and turned his face away from her. 

“Mary really didn’t teach you any fucking manners,” Lola said, her voice muffled. Neil turned to see that she was half in the front seat, her back facing him. In an act of defiance he reached out with both hands and shoved her, ignoring the shooting pain in his hand and arm. 

Lola fell forward into the front seat. Neil didn’t have a chance to enjoy her fall or the noise she made. As soon as she was upright she turned, a pair of metal handcuffs in her hands. She grabbed for Neil’s wrists and wrangled them behind his back, locking them into the cuffs. Neil tried to pull away but couldn’t when the cut on his arm sent a shooting pain all the way to his shoulder. 

“Now keep your hands to yourself,” Lola said, she raised the knife and pressed a second line horizontal to the first down his arm, from elbow to the handcuffs on his wrist. Neil let out a sharp cry of pain and tried to pull away from her, but it was a fool’s errand. Soon enough she was carving another line down his arm and Neil couldn’t stop the wet hot tears running down his cheek. 

This was what he signed up for. 

He wasn’t afraid. 

He wasn’t afraid. 

He opened his eyes to find himself in the living room of Allison’s apartment. The entirety of his cluster standing in front of him. He faltered on his feet and soon Andrew was in front of him, steadying him with two firm hands on his shoulders. 

Neil hadn’t meant to go to them, the tug of their connection had been pure instinct, the pain in his arm and on his face was too much. He needed them. He wanted them.

“This needs to end,” Andrew called over his shoulder, never moving away from Neil but pointedly looking to the rest of the room, “They’re going to fucking kill him, Stuart. What the _fuck_ are you doing?” 

Neil didn’t bother to look at anyone else. He leaned forward and let his face fall into the crook of Andrew’s neck. He closed his eyes and pretended that this was all there was. That his hands weren’t bound with handcuffs in the back of a black car in the middle of New York City. He pretended that they were safe back in Paris.

Andrew’s hands left Neil’s shoulders and immediately wrapped around his back, pulling him flush against Andrew’s chest. The feeling sent a shiver of relief through Neil, even if there was a lingering pain in his right arm and cheek.

“My people are tailing them,” Stuart said from somewhere behind Andrew, he sounded as if he was underwater, or maybe Neil was the one drowning, “They’re in New York City traffic. We’re doing the best we can. I have a feeling they’re going to the headquarters in Manhattan. We can get there before they do if we leave now.” 

The rest of the cluster started to move and act but Andrew didn’t move. Neil kept as still as he could, pushing away any thoughts of the car that he had just left behind.

“I have you,” Andrew whispered, lowering his head to press against Neil. 

Neil didn’t have a chance to reply or react. There was a burning hot pain in his arm and suddenly he was crying out, pulling away from Andrew and back to his body. Lola was leaning over him, the dashboard lighter sticking out between her fingers, the center still a burning red that flashed dangerously close to Neil’s face. 

Neil could feel the spots on his arm where he had been burnt. He couldn’t stop the sob from escaping his lips, the pain overwhelming every part of his senses.

“Where did you go, Junior?” Lola asked, “Did you think you could hide from me?” 

He couldn’t help himself. He was fed up. His skin was burning. He was going to die anyway. There was no point in hiding the curl of anger in the pit of his stomach. There was no point in pretending that he didn’t want to rip Lola’s face off with his teeth. 

“Fuck you,” Neil spit out. The act of defiance had Lola once again pressing the lighter to the sensitive skin of his arm, just above the first burn.

“Do I have to remind you how to behave?” Lola spit out, removing and pressing the lighter to his skin, over, and over, and over, “You can’t go back to daddy acting like _this_ can you?” 

“I said,” Neil bit out, trying to control the obvious reactions he was having to the pain. His breath coming in harsh and uneven, his eyes blurring from tears. “ _Fuck you._ ” 

Lola threw the lighter behind her and into the passenger seat before reaching out and slapping Neil in the side of the head. The hit was much harder than he had expected. There was no time to counteract the motion. His head went straight into the hard glass of the window beside him, a sickening _crack_ resounded throughout the car. 

His vision blurred, everything slowed to a halt. 

Lola was making indistinct, sputtering noises above him. He could feel her slapping his face in an attempt to keep him awake. 

Neil let his eyes slide shut and pretended that he wasn’t afraid of dying. 

*

#### BPO Headquarters NYC - July 30

When Neil opened his eyes again he was in a stark white room, a blinding white light hanging over his head and forced dark spots to appear across his vision. He blinked slowly, trying to keep the nausea, likely from a concussion, at bay. 

Everything hurt. 

His arms and wrists were _burning_ and there was a dull ache sitting against his left temple. Everything seemed to blur and swell at the edge of his vision. He didn’t know where he was, but he could make a very strong guess. 

The only thing he knew for certain was that Andrew was going to kill him. That is, if this doesn’t kill him first.

“Good morning, Sunshine,” A mocking voice sang out above him. 

Neil looked over and blinked until his vision cleared. Lola was standing over him, a dangerous smile playing across her face. There was no way to stop the aggressive pound of his heart or the feeling of complete dread that washed over him. 

There was no way that his cluster was going to find him in time. They were too late. He should have tried to stay awake for a bit longer, but now, now he was really fucked. 

“Daddy will be here any second,” Lola cooed, she reached out and tried to brush the hair on Neil’s forehead, but he flinched away from her touch. Lola gave him a dirty look and tsked. 

“Don’t be like that,” She said, “There’s really no need to be afraid.” 

Neil sucked in a breath and tried to take stock. His arms and legs were loosely bound to the bed, barely there wrappings of leather cuffs. If he wiggled hard enough he could slip one of his hands free. He didn’t know who had bound him to the bed, but he knew that they hadn’t done a very good job. Maybe they wanted him to fight back, give him one last bit of hope before ripping it away again. 

“No one’s coming for you, kitten,” Lola mocked, leaning further into Neil’s space, he tried to lean away but risked falling straight out of the bed and into the tray that was set beside him. Lola gripped his arm painfully hard and pulled him closer to her, he went without fighting.

“Did you hear me?” She asked, so close now that Neil could feel her breath on his skin, “It’s just you, me, and your daddy. Sound good?” 

Neil wanted to tell her to go fuck herself. He refrained, biting the inside of his mouth until he tasted blood. He was only going to get one chance to get out of this, he had to make sure that he stayed calm until he figured out what he was going to do. _If_ he could even do anything. 

He wanted to know where Stuart was, if they had really been able to tail him or if Neil was lost in the sea of black cars in the heart of the city. 

If they lost him then he was as good as dead. Nothing was going to save him now. 

He should have listened to Andrew. In retrospect this was a terrible decision, one that he shouldn’t have been allowed to make, but there was no going back now. The only thing he could do was go forward. 

The door opened and Neil turned his head in time to see Nathan walk in. His father was dressed in all black, a casual button down shirt underneath a black apron. Neil felt his blood run cold at the sight of it. His father liked to get his hands dirty, but he hated ruining perfectly good clothes. 

Neil knew what was coming. 

“Nathaniel,” Nathan said, his voice sent a chill down Neil’s spine, shooting straight through his chest and his lungs. He tried not to suck in a breath of panic at the sound, but he couldn’t help it. From the satisfied curl of Nathan’s lips, Neil knew that he had heard it. 

“Finally,” Nathan said, “I get to finally be rid of you. My greatest disappointment. It’s a shame that your mother isn’t here. I had so much planned for when we were all united again.” 

Neil didn’t look away from his father. Didn’t bother to shy away from the steely blue eyes that glared back at him. There was nothing but cold hatred and indifference on his father’s face. Neil watched him cross the room and stop beside the bed.

“Do you remember what we did to your little _boyfriend_?” Nathan asked, that one word filled with venom, “Do you remember what it felt like?” 

There was no way that he could have forgotten. He remembered the shooting pain of electricity on the train to France, the feeling that his heart was stopping and then restarting, over and over and over. Neil could sometimes feel the lingering ghost of pain that Andrew carried with him. A dull ache of electricity sitting just underneath his skin. 

Nathan reached out to the tray that was set beside Neil and picked up a paddle, he raised it enough for Neil to see. 

“Having you here,” Nathan began, lifting the paddle and pressing it closer to Neil’s face, “Serves two purposes. We’re going to use you to find your cluster. Then, we’re going to take you apart limb from limb. Sounds fun, right?” 

Neil bit back his reply. The sharp front teeth digging into his lower lip. He wanted to scream. He wanted to tell Nathan that he wouldn’t get his hands on his cluster, that they were going to come for him, that Nathan was going to die. Instead he said nothing, his words dying in the back of his throat. If he opened his mouth he was sure that he would throw up. 

“I asked you a question, boy,” Nathan said, his voice laced with annoyance.

Neil stayed silent in clear defiance. Nathan grit his teeth and glared. 

“You’ve always been uncooperative,” He said, before turning to Lola, “Do you have my favorite cleaver?” 

Neil didn’t dare look away from his father, but he felt Lola move beside him and a cold chill went straight through his blood. 

“Of course,” Lola said, “I have it right here.” 

“Good,” Nathan replied, “We will need it soon enough. Get the serum ready, we’re going to start the process of picking apart Nathaniel’s mind.” 

Neil tried to pull away from Lola. He felt the restraint on his wrist start to slip. He tugged a bit harder in desperation.

_Help me._

He clenched his eyes shut and reached out towards his cluster, feeling through their connection to each and every one of them, calling them, beckoning them, _begging_ them. He knew that it was a horrible decision. If Nathan used the same machine on Neil that he used on Andrew then the entirety of his cluster would be visible for them to see. He couldn’t stop himself.

He wanted to feel their warmth one more time. He wanted Dan’s unwavering support, Matt’s warm smiles, Seth’s protective energy, Allison’s fierce spirit, Renee’s empowering calm, Kevin’s blind faith, Andrew’s love. He wanted all of it, he never wanted to let it go. 

He felt the familiar prick of a syringe in his arm and he tried to pull away from it but firm hands held him steady. He looked blearily towards Lola who had a knife-like smile on her face, watching him with clear amusement as he flinched and tried to pull away. 

“Don’t do this,” Neil begged, his voice coming out quiet and broken, “Please.” 

“This is your punishment, Nathaniel,” Nathan said, his hand reaching out and gripping the side of Neil’s head, tugging him painfully so that he had to look at Nathan, “You were meant to be something more. We were going to perfect transferring sensate minds to other bodies. _I_ was going to use you so that I could live longer. Do you understand what you’ve done? Now I have to find the perfect sensate to take your place.” 

Neil couldn’t comprehend what he was hearing. He remembered the scattered conversations of his cluster about BPOs plans, using sensates as vessels, using them as weapons, lobotomizing and transferring entire subconsciousness from one body to another. It was perfectly clear what Neil was supposed to be. A blank slate for his father to someday take over. He wondered what his father would have done to him if he hadn’t been born a sensate, if he had just been normal. Maybe an early and swift death would have been an easier fate. 

“You and your _bitch_ mother ruined everything,” Nathan spat out, “We could have ruled it all. The superior race, taking over the rest of humanity. Power, money, all of that could have been yours. Instead you ran off with Mary and then found your cluster. Do you think they will appreciate you handing yourself over like this? You haven’t just given yourself away. Or have you forgotten?”

Nathan released Neil’s face and grabbed the second paddle. Neil’s heart went straight into overdrive. He felt as if the bundle of muscles would rip straight out of his chest and explode. 

“Please,” Neil begged. He felt the familiar pull of his cluster in the back of his mind. He let them push their emotions straight into him. Courage, support, love. “Don’t do this.” 

Nathan nodded towards Lola. “Get the headset,” He said. Neil didn’t have time to react or watch her move. Nathan turned the paddles on, a low hum of electricity filled the room, their buzzing was the only sound that Neil could hear. 

One second passed and then another before the paddles made contact with Neil’s chest. 

The first thing he felt was fire, an intense burning sensation that put the dashboard lighter to shame. He tried to stay clear from his cluster, tried to keep them out of his mind, tried to think of _nothing_. 

A second round of electricity filtered through him and he couldn’t stop his eyes from opening. The world seemed quiet, everything washed in a hazy light. 

He turned. 

He wasn’t in the small white room any longer. He wasn’t in the New York Apartment with his cluster, he didn’t even think he was anywhere _near_ New York anymore.

The room around him had morphed into a hazy vision of a small convenience store, a city bustling just outside the barred windows. Neil looked around, confused, until his eyes caught on a small girl. She wasn’t older than 11 and Neil knew her, knew her just as he knew himself. 

A dark haired girl with dark skin and fiery eyes. 

_Dan_.

Neil watched as she shoved bags of snacks into an unzipped backpack. She checked over her shoulder every couple of seconds to be sure that the store attendant wasn’t looking at her. Neil opened his mouth to say something but he found that he couldn’t speak or move. All he could do was watch as a much smaller Dan went about stealing food. 

He didn’t know why he was seeing this, he didn’t understand what was happening. But then a car passed by the front window and cast a bright, white light into the small store. He turned just as Dan did.

Mary Hatford stood just outside the window. She looked exactly as she always looked, warm blonde strands of hair, gray all seeing eyes. Mary wasn’t looking at Neil, she only had eyes for Dan, who was standing with a confused expression on her face, tears openly falling down her cheeks. Mary opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. A second bright light forced Neil to blink. 

He opened his eyes again and found himself in a dark alleyway. A group of young kids laughing and joking with each other, passing around a rolled cigarette and sharing beer. Seth was amongst them, looking slightly out of place and every once in a while his eyes would wander away from his friends. He would look distant and uncomfortable, shuffling from one foot to the other, his eyes wandering to the entrance of the alley way. 

Neil tried to speak again, as he did with Dan, but nothing came out. Seth’s eyes caught on something at the entrance to the alley way, his eyes wide and suddenly he was crying, fat, wet tears rolling down his face. His friends started to grab for him, mocking him. Neil followed his line of sight, he turned to find Mary. 

She opened her mouth, Neil blinked. 

He was in a conference room with a long mahogany table in front of him. A much younger Matt was sitting in front of him, squashed between a woman with box braids and a man in a suit. Across the table two men were sitting, one yelling loudly and pointing fingers. Matt’s head was hanging low, his eyes watching the table below him. 

Neil watched as a flash of blonde started to pass behind the two men. Matt looked up, his eyes widening. They both watched Mary cross the room behind Matt’s father and his lawyer. She stopped right between them and looked directly at Matt. 

Neil turned his head.

A dark room full of blue-white blinking lights. The familiar smell of blood and death almost made him gag. He looked around and caught sight of two bodies, both dead, both laying in pools of dark blood. Renee stood above them. She had a thin blade in her hand, dripping blood across the cement floor. She was looking at Neil but she wasn’t seeing him, looking straight through him towards the other side of the room. Neil turned to see Mary standing right behind him. She looked straight through Neil and directly to Renee. 

Neil turned his head to look back at Renee, but the room shifted. 

He was standing in a small bedroom. A young Kevin was sitting on the bed, an ice pack pressed against his face and a look of defeat sitting in his green eyes. Kayleigh was sitting beside him, her hand wrapped around the back of his head. She was whispering something softly to him, something that Neil could barely make out. He watched as Kevin let out a pained noise, his head lifting to look to the front of the room. Neil turned with him, watching as Mary appeared in the doorway to Kevin’s bedroom.

Recognition sat on Kevin’s face when he looked at her, his eyes wide. He reached out and gripped his mother’s arm, Neil could hear him say Mary’s name softly. 

Neil turned and the world shifted again. 

He was standing behind a small Allison, her eyes red-rimmed and her cheeks wet from tears. She was standing in a bathroom, a make-up kit sitting in front of her on the counter. Allison wiped away the tears with a paper towel and tapped her hands against her cheeks as if it would stop the crying all together. Neil watched her as she stared into the mirror. She looked down to grab a second paper towel. When she looked up again Mary’s reflection was standing right behind her. 

Allison turned in a flash, her head whipping around to look at Mary. Neil blinked. 

He was standing in a school hallway, his eyes went one way and then the other until he caught sight of Andrew, small and angry, his eyes narrowed as he glared at the floor below him. Neil wanted to reach out, he wanted to step forward and speak. No words left his mouth, he watched in horror as the door at the end of the hall opened, as Drake walked in and said the nickname Andrew hated so much. Behind Drake there was Mary. Washed in the sunlight from outside, looking ethereal and unreal. Neil looked back to Andrew only to find that he was crying. 

Mary opened her mouth. 

_”You have been reborn.”_

Neil sucked in a breath and opened his eyes. Blonde hair cascaded on either side of him, shielding him from the rest of the room. 

“Mom?” Neil whispered, his voice was nothing but a low release of breath. Mary leaned over him, her eyes wide and gray and full of pain. He watched her as she lifted a hand and pressed her cold fingers to his cheek. He leaned into her touch. 

He wanted to ask how she was here. He wanted to know what he had just witnessed. A memory of his cluster's birth, the one that he had missed. The feeling of being connected seemed to surge through him, his heart was racing an uneven beat in his chest. 

Neil didn’t look away from his mother. She leaned back before pressing her cold lips to his forehead. 

She leaned toward his ear, leaning into his space. He felt cold and warm all at once, a bright lightness in the back of his chest. 

_”Amor Vincit Omnia.”_

Neil opened his eyes.

Nathan was standing over him, the paddles in both of his hands, his eyes wide. It was impossible to tell if Nathan had just seen what Neil had seen. If the headpiece had shown Nathan exactly what Neil had just experienced. 

If it had then it had changed him. 

All at once Neil felt his entire cluster crowding the room around him. He felt warm hands _pushing_ , _pulling_. 

His entire body felt sluggish and uncooperative. It didn’t matter. Neil was unable to react, to move, but that didn’t stop the others from taking over. 

He felt Matt switch with him. One second he was still in the loosened restraints, the next his arms were free. Matt sat up, grabbed the IV from beside the bed and swung it, the metal pole making a sickening smack against Nathan’s head. He went down hard, his body crumbling. Neil didn’t know if he was dead, he didn’t think that it could be that easy, but he didn’t have time to think about it. 

Lola let out an inhuman noise, her words finding no place in the back of Neil’s mind. He watched in horror as she raised the cleaver above her head. Neil wasn’t fast enough to react. Renee took over, she leaned away but the cleaver still hit Neil across the shoulder, warm blood flooding down his arm. Renee didn’t stop moving. She gripped Lola’s forearm and turned it harshly, her elbow twisting the wrong way.

Lola’s scream filled the room. Renee was able to slip the cleaver from her hand. She gave one firm _slice_ and Lola stopped moving. Her neck splitting with a long gash. Neil watched in horror as the life left Lola’s eyes, her body falling to the ground. 

The door started to open. Renee rushed to remove the restraints from her legs. Neil could only watch as Romero entered the room. He looked at Nathan’s slumped body and Lola’s bloody corpse. Romero let out a low yell, his voice echoing in the room. He pulled a gun from his side and raised it to shoot. 

Renee fell from the bed. Neil let out a pained noise. He felt his arms burn but he ignored it. Suddenly Andrew was taking over. He went straight for Romero. 

He disarmed Romero with practiced ease, only struggling a little as Romero tried to fight back. Andrew showed the same level of strength as a mother lifting a car to save their child. In a flash of movements he was able to get the gun from Romero’s hand. He turned and pressed the barrel to the center of Romero’s head before firing. Blood spattered across the wall behind him, washing the white walls with brain matter. 

Neil let out an exhale. His whole body screaming in protest. He blinked and he was the one holding the gun, standing over a broken and very dead Romero. Lola was bleeding out on the floor just behind him. He turned his head and let out a pained noise at the sight. 

He was alive. 

He was alive. 

Neil stumbled and several hands reached out to steady him. He heard his cluster talking but the white noise in his brain left him unable to understand any words. A pained noise escaped from his lips. He fell back only to make contact with something warm and solid. Andrew placed warm hands on Neil’s waist to steady him. 

“It’s over,” Andrew’s voice carried through the fog, low and vibrating against his back, “We have you.” 

Neil let out a breath that sounded dangerously close to a sob. He let Andrew take his entire weight. He let Andrew take half of his burden, as he always did, and carry it. Something firm and reliable, something Neil could lean on. 

_I’m not alone._

He was never alone. 

A loud groan forced a second spike of adrenaline through Neil. He whipped his head towards Nathan and watched as his father struggled to stand. There was a large gash on the side of his head and blood was making its way down his face and neck. 

Neil watched in horror as Nathan stood, a looming figure of pain, a physical embodiment of Neil’s impending doom. 

“You fucking, _brat_ ,” Nathan spit out, “I’m going to cut you off at your knees.” 

Neil sucked in a deep breath. He felt his entire cluster breath in as one. 

Maybe it was his cluster’s unwavering presence and support. Maybe it was their boiling rage and determination that was overflowing in their connection. Whatever it was, something washed over Neil. He looked at his father, eyes narrowed, nothing but pure hatred and frustration taking over. 

“Fuck you,” Neil spit out, his voice cracking and breaking, “You’re never touching me again.” 

He lifted the gun, ignoring the shooting pain and burn in his arm, and pointed it straight at his father. 

Nathan’s face split into a look of disbelief before it morphed into pure amusement. He let out a dark laugh, loud and uncomfortable in the small room. Neil didn’t waver. He didn’t look away as he held the gun level with his father’s face. 

“You can’t do it,” Nathan said, between laughter, “You don’t have the fucking balls to kill me.” 

Neil felt Andrew’s hand slip down his arm and cover his own around the gun. His finger curled around Neil’s over the trigger. 

“Watch me,” Neil whispered. 

They pulled the trigger as one. 

Nathan fell to the ground. 

It felt-

It felt anti-climatic. It felt too easy. 

Neil watched his father die on impact. He watched the man that had tortured him, haunted him, abused him for his entire 21 years on Earth just _die_. 

Neil didn’t know what to feel. He felt nothing. 

“Abram,” Andrew whispered, his voice low and even and his cheek pressed against the side of Neil’s face, “You have to go. We’re here to get you. Come on.” 

“I-” Neil started, his eyes never leaving his father. He couldn’t think of what to say. He didn’t know how he felt. 

“We have to go,” Andrew repeated, “Come.” 

Neil let Andrew tug him away. Neil turned his head, the world spun around him. He let out a deep breath and steadied himself. 

Nathan Wesninski was dead. 

He looked around the room. He looked at every member of his cluster. He memorized their faces, their eyes, their hearts. They watched him as they always did, full of love, acceptance. 

_Home,_ he thought. 

Out loud he said, 

“I want to go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is Love Conquers All II if that tells you anything.
> 
> I’m sorry if this chapter was a bit graphic. It was sort of intense and I had a hard time writing it but I hope it conveyed a sense of family and interconnectedness. I apologize for errors and possibly inconsistent writing. I’m sleep deprived and struggling.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has been reading, commenting, leaving kudos, sending tumblr asks, etc. I love you all and I am so grateful that someone read this very self-serving fic. It really means the world to me. 
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr. :)


	13. Love Conquers All II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: (not too many for this chapter can you BELIEVE IT) referenced torture, blood, bodily harm

#### New York City, New York - July 30

The facility was deathly silent. Andrew stalked through the hallways with Stuart and a handful of his men close by. The rest of the cluster was physically outside of the facility but they were visiting him, staying close to his back as they often did. 

As soon as they had Neil and they were out of this god forsaken city, Andrew was going to kill Stuart Hatford. There was really no way around it. The bottomless rage that sat in Andrew’s chest needed an outlet. 

Neil was hurt because of them. Because Stuart didn’t think through his shitty plan. Because Andrew didn’t try hard enough to stop Neil. Because Neil was a martyr. Because Stuart’s men weren’t fast enough to react. Because their _cluster_ wasn’t fast enough to react. 

Andrew was going to rip Stuart to pieces as soon as they were safe.

“Left,” Dan said suddenly, giving Andrew a healthy shove in the right direction. He sent her a heated glare but followed her directions. 

“This place is _dead_ ,” Seth commented, his voice laced with confusion and awe, “Where is everyone?” 

Andrew didn’t have an answer to that and he didn’t bother trying to ask Stuart either, he wasn’t sure he trusted himself not to pick a fight in the middle of enemy territory. 

“It’s like they knew this was going to happen,” Dan said suddenly, “The entire place is practically cleared out.” 

“Stuart did say he had people on the inside,” Matt commented, “Seems like he wasn’t lying.” 

“If he has such strong connections,” Allison said, “Why the fuck would he suggest we offer Neil up as bait?” 

Andrew really wished they would stop talking. The cluster immediately backed down when they felt the spike of Andrew’s endless rage in their connection. They knew better than to keep pushing when Andrew was standing so close to the edge. One wrong move and he might turn around and cut Stuart’s throat with one of the knives hidden in his armbands. 

Dan pushed Andrew into another long hallway, but at the end he saw what they had come here for. Neil looked like a red smudge against the pristine white walls. His arm was dripping with blood and there was a trail of red on the wall behind him from where he had been attempting to steady himself. The entire cluster went straight to him, their hands reaching and pulling and tugging until he was standing up straight. 

“Jesus, Nathaniel,” Stuart said. 

Andrew couldn’t stop himself. He turned and presented Stuart’s face with a hard, closed fist punch. Stuart took a startled step back, his hands going up to cover his face. The men behind him moved to react, to subdue Andrew like the threat he was, but Stuart raised his hand to signal them to stop. 

“I know you think I deserved that,” Stuart said, “But this wasn’t my intention.” 

The cluster raged in their shared connection. It only fueled the fire in Andrew’s chest. 

“Andrew,” Renee said, a calm hand fell on his shoulder and he felt the tension immediately start to ebb, “Neil needs help.” 

It was enough to force Andrew to turn his back to Stuart. He went straight to Neil and the cluster parted like the red sea. He immediately went to Neil’s less damaged arm and helped him stand, wrapping an arm around his waist. 

“Sorry,” Neil said hoarsely, he leaned heavily against Andrew, his body nearly a dead weight on him, “I shouldn’t have-” 

“Shut up,” Andrew said through his teeth, his control was a thin rope that was ready to snap. Neil stayed quiet and let out a low whine of pain. He stood up straight and used Andrew as a crutch. Stuart came up to them, the side of his face red and splotchy from Andrew’s hit. 

“Are you okay?” Stuart started then raised a hand when Andrew’s face turned murderous, “Stupid question. We need to leave. This place won’t stay quiet for long.” 

“I know he can’t hear me,” Seth said, “But I really want to tell him to fuck off.” 

“Fuck off,” Andrew said for Seth, who let out a noise of approval at the insult. 

Stuart didn’t react. “Right. Let’s get moving.”

They started back the way they came. Andrew struggled to keep Neil upright. The rest of the cluster hovered near them but only Kevin seemed to have the courage to reach out and take hold of Neil’s battered arm. It was a gentle curl of fingers but Andrew felt the residual fire of pain mirrored on his own arm. 

“Don’t touch him,” Andrew growled in Kevin’s direction. Kevin didn’t react, he simply moved his hand and hooked it under Neil’s armpit to help keep him upright. 

“It’s fine,” Neil choked out, he sounded as if it was anything but, “I just want to get out of here.” 

Andrew understood the sentiment but didn’t feel any better. The fiercely protective side of Andrew wanted to rip apart every single person that stood one inch too close to Neil, but the logical side of Andrew knew that he could trust their cluster. They felt Neil’s pain just as Andrew did. They understood what the consequences were. 

Stuart and his men led them down the second hallway before abruptly stopping short. Andrew kept Neil close as he pushed two men out of the way to see why they had stopped. 

Jean Moreau stood in the center of the hallway dressed in all black. He looked starkly pale against the harsh color, his eyes sunken in and defeated, as they often were. He looked over the group before his eyes landed on Neil and Andrew, his expression flickering with shock for half a second. 

“The Counselor is requesting your audience,” Jean said coolly even if he looked anything but. His eyes never left Andrew and Neil’s hunched forms. Andrew curved a protective hand around Neil’s waist, keeping him as close as he could manage without making his injuries worse. 

“We were just leaving,” Stuart explained, “I suggest you let us pass.” 

“You’ll want to see her,” Jean said, “Or did you forget your part of the deal.” 

_Interesting._

Andrew narrowed his eyes but didn’t look away from Jean. Even if he had helped them over and over Andrew still didn’t trust him. He was a slave to BPO, an enemy, a danger. Neil started to slip out of his arms but Andrew adjusted his hold to keep him steady. 

“We don’t have very long,” Stuart said, he turned and looked at Neil’s hunched form before looking back to Jean, “This will have to be quick.” 

Andrew didn’t know if they were being led to certain death. He continued to glare at Jean as he turned and walked them straight down the hallway to an elevator. 

“It won’t take long,” Jean said simply. He pressed the call button and waited impatiently until the elevator arrived, the doors opening. They all shuffled in and Andrew rolled his eyes when the entirety of their cluster attempted to fill the very little empty space around them. 

Neil was starting to get delirious. He let out a strange sounding laugh that bordered on hysterical and said, “They don’t even _see_ you.” 

“Neil,” Kevin said firmly, “Just shut up.” 

“I think I’m bleeding out,” Neil said through gritted teeth, “I think I’m dying.” 

“You’re not dying,” Dan said quickly. Andrew watched how Jean seemed to turn and assess Neil’s condition before visibly swallowing. 

“If I die,” Neil said, pressing himself further into Andrew’s side, “Will you come to my funeral?” 

“ _Neil_ ,” Kevin said firmly, “Shut up.” 

“No one is dying,” Stuart said, just as firmly.

“Shut up,” the entire cluster said at once, including Andrew. Neil kept quiet, pressing his face into Andrew’s shoulder and sucking in deep breaths to try and steady himself. Andrew ran his hand up and down Neil’s side to try and soothe the ache. Neil relaxed against him, but the lingering pain was strong enough for Andrew and for the rest of the cluster to feel.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Andrew and Neil stepped out after Stuart and his men. The entirety of the floor was one giant office surrounded by large, floor to ceiling windows. At the end of the room, standing behind a large white desk, stood Kayleigh Day. 

Kevin let out a strangled noise that sounded close to a sob. Andrew’s eyes went wide against his better judgement and Neil let out a strange confused noise. 

“ _Mom_?” Kevin bit out, his voice uneven and his hands shaking. 

“Am I hallucinating?” Neil whispered into Andrew’s ear, “Or is Kayleigh Day not dead?” 

“You are _not_ hallucinating, Nathaniel,” Kayleigh said, her voice was warm and broke the tension in the room immediately, “I am not dead.” 

“What the _fuck_?” Dan spit out, “What is going on?” 

“Seriously,” Seth agreed, “What is happening right now?” 

“I thought the Moriyamas killed you,” Andrew said, schooling his expression as best as he could.

“They did not,” Kayleigh explained, “It was easier if everyone thought I was dead.” She stepped around the desk and walked towards them, stopping in front of Andrew and Neil. Jean immediately went to her side. 

“ _Mom_?” Kevin squeaked out again. Kayleigh gave no indication that she had heard him. Andrew knew that she was a sensate but something told him that she was on enough inhibitors to keep all members of her cluster and even her own son away. 

“You must be Andrew,” Kayleigh said, “You’re part of my son’s cluster, correct?” 

Kevin released Neil and let out a choked noise. Neil immediately stumbled, his body going harshly in one direction. Andrew stumbled with him, attempting to keep him upright but nearly failing. They both sank to the marble floor together. Andrew wrapped a second arm around Neil’s front and held him tightly, attempting to stop his incessant shaking.

“Yes,” Andrew bit out, “And you’re not dead. Care to explain to the class?” 

Kayleigh gave him a sad smile and bowed her head ever so slightly. Kevin didn’t look much like Wymack, but Andrew could see now where his looks came from. Kayleigh had dark hair and strikingly green eyes and stood several inches over Stuart and Jean. Andrew somehow felt small and childish when knelt in front of her. 

“I never said I was dead,” Kayleigh explained, “I just let them all believe it was true. Like I said, it was easier this way.” 

Stuart stepped forward then, “Kayleigh is my connection inside BPO. She is the reason the facility is empty.”

“I have so many fucking questions,” Dan said under her breath. The cluster all made noises of agreement. Andrew looked up to where Kevin was having a full on breakdown beside them. His hands were shaking and his eyes were glassy. Andrew looked to Renee and she immediately nodded in understanding, walking straight over to Kevin and placing a calming hand on his back. 

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions,” Kayleigh said, looking directly at Andrew, “I’m sure your cluster has questions as well, but we don’t have time right now. Nathaniel needs medical attention and you all need to leave the facility.” 

“Why call us up here then?” Andrew asked, “If you want us to leave so badly.”

“Because it is time we all met,” Kayleigh explained, “It is time we start making moves against the Moriyamas and it is time that I saw my son again.” 

Kevin let out a sad noise but Andrew didn’t bother to turn and check on him, he knew that Renee had him. 

“What do you want from us?” Andrew asked, “What could we possibly give you?” 

“You just killed three of the most dangerous people in BPO,” Kayleigh said, “You’ve just started a war against the Moriyamas. Your cluster is going to have a large target on your backs now. We can work together to stop this chaos before it gets worse. It’s time I made up for all of the terrible things that I helped the Moriyamas do over the years.” 

“Why should we trust you?” Dan asked. Andrew repeated her question. 

“I am the only one that can help you,” Kayleigh said, “I am going to keep you safe until it is time to act.” 

Neil’s head started to droop forward. Andrew reached out and carefully placed a hand on his face and pulled him back, pressing Neil’s bloody cheek into his shoulder. 

“Let me help you,” Kayleigh said, “I want to end this as much as you do.” 

Andrew heard his cluster begin to argue. He looked up to Kevin and watched as he stared wide eyed at his mother. 

“Kevin,” Andrew said, he ignored how Kayleigh perked up immediately at the sound of his name, “What do you think we should do?” 

The cluster went silent and all turned their attention to Kevin. They waited patiently as Kevin took in a deep breath and finally looked away from his mother and to the rest of the cluster. He looked at Neil’s bloody form and then caught Andrew’s eyes. 

“I don’t think we have much of a choice right now,” Kevin said, “She got us in here. She helped us kill the Butcher. She-” He stopped and sucked in another breath, “She’s my _mom_. Sh-She wasn’t a bad person. Never.” 

Andrew accepted this for what it was. He nodded and let out a long breath, pushing around the hair that was sticky with blood on Neil’s face. 

He didn’t want to trust so easily. Not anymore. But Neil was barely conscious in his arms, not for the first time, and the lingering fear of losing this, of losing _him_ was enough for Andrew to take the chance. The cluster wouldn’t be so complacent this time. He could sense it in their shared connection that they were all hungry for blood. 

“Fine,” Andrew said.

Kayleigh’s eyes lightened significantly. She smiled and nodded. 

“Good,” She replied, “I have a safe house upstate that you are more than welcome to use. I don’t think it is safe for you to be in the city.” 

Andrew couldn’t agree more. 

“No one will be there,” Kayleigh explained, “No one knows that it exists. It’s owned under a fake name. You can all go there and I will meet you when I can. I need to clean up this mess first.” 

Andrew thought about the mess of bodies just a few floors down. The Moriyamas’ most dangerous weapon. Dead. There was no way they would get away with this easily. 

“What are you going to tell them?” Andrew asked, “You can’t hide the fact that their butcher is dead.” 

“The truth,” Kayleigh explained quickly, “Nathan has always been full of pride and a bit cocky. I’ll tell them he went after Nathaniel and underestimated your cluster. It will mean they will think twice before coming after you.” 

“We still have Riko,” Dan said under her breath. Andrew didn’t relay the message. He wasn’t willing to hand Kayleigh all of their cards just yet. 

“Where are the Moriyamas, now?” Stuart asked, “You didn’t say.” 

“England,” Kayleigh said, “They’re currently reworking ownership of the Cardiff branch.” 

“And Kengo?” Stuart asked, “He’s ill, isn’t he?” 

“He’s in a high security medical facility in the city. They put me in charge for the time being. A mistake in their parts,” Kayleigh said, she looked proud of her betrayal. “No one that is loyal to the Moriyamas knows you are here.”

Stuart nodded in understanding. He looked back to Andrew and Neil and assessed them for a moment. 

“We need to get Neil medical attention,” Stuart said, “Quickly.” 

“Jean,” Kayleigh turned, “Can you escort them to the house in Saratoga Springs? Bring one of the medical staff with you.” 

“No,” Andrew said immediately. He wasn’t going to let anyone he didn’t know touch Neil. “We have people here. We will pick them up and they can tend to Neil before we leave.” 

“Okay,” Kayleigh said, looking back at Andrew, “I understand.” 

“Let’s get a move on,” Stuart said, he walked over towards Neil as if he was going to help him stand. Andrew gave him one firm dangerous look before he backed off. 

“We have him,” Andrew said through his teeth. The cluster surrounded them and helped pull Neil to his feet. He immediately fell into Andrew’s side, his breathing shallow and uneven. 

Kayleigh watched them sadly for a moment. A reflection of Kevin’s eyes watched them. It was unsettling and Andrew felt far too _seen_.

“Thank you,” Kayleigh said, “You did a good thing here today.” 

It didn’t feel like it was a good thing. Not with Neil bleeding out across the clean marble floors. Not when Andrew was covered with his blood. 

Andrew and the rest of the cluster helped Neil to the elevator door. They all looked in unison as Kayleigh watched them leave. 

“We will be in touch,” Kayleigh said cryptically, “Be safe.” 

*  
Abby was at Neil’s side as soon as they were in the front door of Allison’s apartment. 

“Oh my god,” She breathed out, her hands shaking as she helped Andrew take Neil to the closest soft surface, that being one of Allison’s nice white couches, “Neil, are you with us?” 

Neil let out a low whine of acknowledgement. They gently discarded him onto the soft white cushions, his blood immediately started to turn the couch an unsettling red. 

“Fuck,” Matt breathed out from behind him. He was just as covered in Neil’s blood as Andrew was. They had struggled to get him out of the BPO facility and into the van that Jean had procured for them. He had driven them back to Allison’s apartment and was currently hovering awkwardly by the front door watching the scene unfold in front of him.

“I need space, Andrew,” Abby said immediately. She grabbed her medical bag and urged Andrew out of the way, “Go wash up.” 

Andrew didn’t want to leave but he stepped aside anyway and lingering close by as Abby started to pull out her supplies. 

“Aaron,” Abby called, “Can you help me with this?” 

Andrew watched his twin come into the room. He looked at Neil covered in blood and immediately started towards them. 

“Andrew,” Abby said again, “Go.” 

Andrew hovered for a moment longer, unable to get his feet to move away from the couch. Neil, the one thing that would hurt to lose, bleeding out right in front of him and there was nothing that Andrew could do but watch.

A feeling of helplessness took root in Andrew’s chest. He saw Neil curled in the bed in Paris, sweating and shaking, his pupils blown wide. Andrew didn’t try and push the memory away. It was a reminder. He had failed. Twice. Once more and Andrew was sure that it would be something he could never come back from. 

A warm hand on his shoulder grounded him substantially, pushing the memory away and bringing him back to the present. A much bloodier version of Neil greeted him. He felt sick.

“Andrew.” Renee poured reassurance into their connection, her hand firm and unyielding on his shoulder. “Come,” She said softly, “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Andrew ignored the rest of the cluster as they prepared to leave Allison’s apartment. Their eyes followed him as Renee escorted him out of the room and down the hall. He ignored their forced reassurances in their connection. It meant nothing to him anymore. A lingering numbness was taking over. A similar feeling to when he was young and he would clean his room after someone made an unwelcome visit. 

_He hated this. He hated this. He hated this._

Renee ushered him into the hallway bathroom and closed the door behind her. 

“I will bring you some clothes,” Renee offered, “Do you want anything in particular?” 

Andrew shook his head. Renee hovered by the door, her hand over the handle. She watched him for a moment as she always did. 

“He’s safe now,” Renee tried, attempting to sound reassuring, it didn’t really reach the pit in Andrew’s stomach, “We’re safe.” 

“We’re never safe,” Andrew retorted. He turned his back to Renee and listened as she left, closing the door behind her. He locked the door and stared at his blood soaked hands. 

_Something to lose. Something to keep._

He thought about bleeding out on the tile floor of his makeshift apartment in Berlin. He thought about Neil hovering over him and joking about not taking out the bullet. He reached down and ran a hand over the now healed wound on his stomach, still pink and punctured and uncomfortable against the padding of his fingers. 

They may have a chance to win this war, but there was a heavy cost that all of them were paying.

With blood.

Andrew turned on the shower and got in, still completely dressed, and let the cold water wash away Neil’s blood. The only thing he could smell was the metallic scent that lingered and soaked into the pores of his hands. 

He had told Neil that the only things in life that mattered were Money, Sex, Sunrise, and Death. The only inevitable truths. He didn’t know if that was the truth anymore. He found himself crossing two out and replacing them with just one, one that was much more important than the rest. He pressed his hands into the cold tile of the shower until he felt more settled. He watched the blood mix with water and run down the shower walls before it disappeared completely.

“Sunrise, death,” He whispered, pressing his forehead to the tile, the cold water was starting to make him shiver, “Abram.” 

He bumped his forehead against the tile once before stepping back and stripping off the rest of his clothes and washing away the harsh smell of blood and death that was clinging to him. 

When Andrew emerged from the shower after nearly an hour of standing under the freezing water, he dressed in the loose fitting clothing that Renee had chosen for him and went out into the living room. The rest of the cluster was already packed and ready to go, standing in different spots around the room but all focused on the white couch. Matt and Abby were missing and Andrew assumed that they were off washing away Neil’s blood as Andrew had. 

Aaron caught sight of Andrew and let out a sigh of relief. His hands were clean and his clothing had changed. 

“He’s fine,” Aaron said immediately, “Just lost a lot of blood. It’s mostly superficial wounds, even the burns will heal quickly.” 

Andrew walked straight to the couch and leaned over the back. Neil was cleaned and bandaged and his chest was rising and falling in steady breaths. Andrew reached out and pushed some of the unruly hair off of Neil’s forehead. 

“Once Abby and Matt are finished washing up we’re leaving,” Dan said, stepping forward, her eyes were hard and steady as she looked at Andrew. An unwavering pillar of strength and duty. “We’ll head to Saratoga Springs and wait for Kayleigh to reach out to us.” 

“Where’s Stuart?” Andrew asked. He still had a bone to pick with the bastard. His eyes filtered around the room and noticed that not even his men had stayed behind. 

“He said he wanted to take care of a few things,” Dan explained, “He’ll meet us up north.” She hesitated before adding, “I also told him that it would be best for him to stay gone for a few days. Just in case you were planning to murder him.” 

“You know I was,” Andrew replied haughty, “He deserves it.” 

“He does,” Dan agreed, and Andrew heard the but before she even said it, “ _But,_ we need his help. Without Stuart and Kayleigh we won’t be able to end this. You can kill him when all of this is over.” 

“That better be a promise,” Andrew replied. 

Dan’s smirk was cut throat and dangerous and looked like the mirror image of Neil’s. Andrew instantly felt a chill go down his spine from the sight. It left a lingering feeling of warmth in the pit of his stomach. They were on his side. Through thick or thin. 

“It’s a promise,” Dan professed.

It was enough for Andrew.

*

#### Saratoga Springs, New York - July 30

They reached Saratoga Springs in the easy cover of night. They had taken the van and one of Allison’s town cars up to the new safe house. Andrew was used to moving around constantly, never staying in one place for too long, but he could see how it was starting to weigh down on the cluster. Dan had let out a soft sad sigh when they pulled into the driveway of the house, a small lake-front home that was tucked in the woods away from the other houses in the area. She complained about having to put her set up back together again for the third time. Andrew didn’t really feel bad for her.

They were safe enough, and that was all that really mattered. 

Jean let them in and handed the keys off to Wymack. He gave Renee a lingering look and a firm nod before he left, getting back in the van and starting the 4 hour journey back to New York City. 

Andrew stayed back and ignored the rest of the cluster as they started to head inside. Seth and Renee had Riko between the two of them, handcuffed and gagged, looking around angrily at the rest of the cluster and the house. Andrew ignored him in favor of helping Neil into Matt’s waiting arms. 

He grabbed their bags and followed Matt into the house, Neil’s limp arm dangled in front of him and smacked against the door on the way inside.

“Sorry, buddy,” Matt said quietly. Neil didn’t even wake up, completely passed out from the pain medication and the blood loss. Andrew ground his teeth together and tried to steady himself. The tingling in his legs had started to pick up on the car ride up, he had shaken out his feet as much as he could in the cramped space, but he had been forced to ignore the lingering shockwaves under his skin. Now the tingling was unbearable. He forced his way past Matt and up the stairs to the second floor. He didn’t have to look back to know that Matt was following him. 

He picked the room furthest from the stairs at the back of the house. He opened the door and threw his bags down. There was one full sized bed in the middle of the room and a small dresser that was against the wall. Andrew kicked the bags out of the way and moved so that Matt could bring Neil straight over to the bed. 

“Abby said that he’ll probably sleep through the night,” Matt said, “I think we all should get some rest. You, too.” 

Andrew waved him off and Matt let out a defeated sigh before leaving the room. 

As soon as they were alone, Andrew went straight to Neil’s side and removed his shoes. They had changed him out of his bloody clothes and into a loose fitting pair of shorts and a t-shirt. He looked much younger in the baggy clothing, small and weak and covered in bandages. 

Andrew untucked the bedding from under Neil and covered him up to his chest. He sat down on the edge of the bed and ran a hand through his hair. 

The quiet didn’t last long. Andrew felt Kevin immediately pushing through their connection. He looked up just in time to see Kevin appear in the bedroom, looking out of sorts and slightly uncomfortable. 

“Abby is ordering food,” Kevin said in lieu of a hello, “Do you want anything?” 

“No,” Andrew replied. He didn’t think he could eat. His stomach was full of lead and it was only getting tighter and tighter with each passing moment. 

“This isn’t your fault,” Kevin said, reading Andrew’s energy with ease, “Don’t let this kill you.” 

Andrew could have said something in response to that, but he decided not to. He felt worn and beaten and all he wanted was to smoke a cigarette and then go to sleep. 

“I think some congratulations are in order,” Andrew said, “You’re mom’s alive.” 

Kevin recoiled immediately, taking a step back and away from Andrew. His emotions spiked in their connection and Andrew considered blocking him out while he had the chance. 

“It’s-” He started and then closed his mouth immediately, as if he couldn’t find the right words, “Unsettling.” 

“Do you think she’s telling the truth,” Andrew asked, “About destroying the Moriyamas.” 

“There is no way that the Moriyamas would have let us get away with killing Nathan,” Kevin replied immediately, as if he had been planning to answer a question like this all night, maybe he had. “They would have _never_ let us get away with that. It’s not a set up.” 

Andrew knew he was right but it still felt far too convenient. He would have argued if he wasn’t so tired and weak in the limbs. His legs tingling painfully and his fingers numb. 

“We’ll deal with it later,” Andrew said finally, “Go away.” 

Kevin didn’t look offended. He nodded in understanding and disappeared without another word. Andrew stood and kicked his legs out and shook out his arms, hoping that his nerves would come back to life with the motions. 

“He’s really dead isn’t he?” A soft voice asked from behind him. Andrew turned to see a groggy Neil looking up at him, his eyes bright and shining. 

“Yes,” Andrew replied, his voice low, “He’s dead.” 

“I can’t believe it.” 

Andrew nodded in agreement. “Sometimes things just work out that way.” 

“And Lola? Romero?” 

“Dead.” 

Neil hummed low in the back of his throat and looked up to the ceiling in thought. Andrew returned to the side of the bed and pressed a warm hand to the side of Neil’s head, regaining his attention immediately. 

“My family is dead,” Neil whispered, not sadly, not happily, not anything. A blank expression. A statement. A fact. 

“No,” Andrew replied, “They’re downstairs waiting for you.” 

Neil’s eyes glazed over and Andrew wondered if he was going to start crying. But he didn’t. He simply nuzzled into Andrew’s hand and let out a sigh of relief. 

“Where are we?” Neil asked.

“Saratoga Springs. Kayleigh Day’s safe house.” 

Neil seemed more alert at the mention of her name. “Yeah. Can we talk about how weird that is?” 

“Not now,” Andrew replied, “Tomorrow.” 

Neil nodded and gave Andrew a significant look. 

“Come to bed?”

Andrew couldn’t say no to that so he didn’t. 

If he barely slept and spent the majority of the night watching over Neil, it was no one's business but Andrew's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so short I’m sorry. Next chapter will be much longer and will be full of some softness. Originally this chapter and chapter 12 were going to be combined but it just didn’t work when it was like that so I had to cut it in half. I really struggled with getting this up and out so I hope it isn’t too terrible. Next chapter will be more interesting I promise. 
> 
> Next chapter features: healing and family bonding


	14. What Family Really Means

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: aftermath of torture, alcohol, bodily harm, description of injuries, implied/reference drug use, sexual content ;) but nothing graphic

#### Saratoga Springs, New York - July 31

Neil woke up alone and confused. For half a second he thought he was in his bed in Baltimore. His arms sore from abuse from his father. He half expected to find his mother posted beside him, but when he turned his head he found that the room was empty. 

His memory came back slowly. He remembered BPO. He remembered Lola picking him up. He remembered being cut open in the car. He remembered his father electrocuting him. He remembered his cluster saving him. He remembered shooting his father. 

_His father._

Neil immediately sucked in a panicked breath. The beast of anxiety woke up and stabbed the inside of his stomach and squeezed painfully around his heart. 

As soon as the panic started he felt the sensation of his cluster in the back of his head. The familiar niggling sensation that told him that they were paying him a visit. 

_He missed this._

He closed his eyes and took in a deep calming breath. When he opened his eyes again Dan was hovering over him with a carefully calm expression on her face. 

“Morning, sunshine,” She said softly, “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Neil croaked, his throat felt sore and ragged. He cleared his throat and tried again, “I’m okay.” 

Dan gave him a knowing look and Neil let out a sigh. 

“It hurts,” He confessed and then paused before saying, “A lot.” 

Dan nodded with approval and leaned away from him on the bed. She looked at her hands for a moment, an unreadable expression on her face. Neil watched her in silence. Wondering if he was going to be reprimanded for something. 

He felt guilty. He had let his desire to destroy the Moriyamas completely take him over. He put the entire cluster in danger. He put _himself_ in danger so that he could bring all of this to an end. 

Neil sat up in the bed, cringing at the pain that shot up his arm when he moved. Dan watched him with barely hidden concern.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said finally. Neil tilted his head to the side and simply waited for her to elaborate. 

“We let you go in there,” Dan continued, “We didn’t even try and stop you. I’m sorry.” 

Neil quickly realized that while he had felt guilty for his decision, the cluster must have felt just as guilty for letting it happen to him. 

“Don’t,” He said, his throat burned but he pushed on, “It’s my fault.” 

Dan shook her head and reached out, her hands were warm against Neil’s uninjured cheek. He leaned into her touch. 

“It isn’t,” Dan said, “No one blames you.” 

Neil considered the obvious lack of Andrew in his room and considered that maybe at least one of them did blame him. 

“I’m going to tell Abby you’re up,” Dan said, “Do you need anything?” 

Neil wanted to ask where everyone was but instead he shook his head. 

“Okay,” Dan said softly, “I’ll send her up here.” 

Neil nodded and blinked. When he opened his eyes Dan was gone. 

Painfully, he lifted his arm and examined the damage from Lola’s sharp knife. His right arm was covered in bandages. Any hurt was hidden underneath the white gauze. He ran a tentative finger over his forearm and flinched at the way it stung. His fingers were mostly untouched and he flexed them experimentally and let out a sigh of relief when he found that he still had full range of the extremities. 

There was a soft knock at the door and Neil looked up in time to see Abby walk in. She looked him over, a small sad smile on her face and walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. 

“Hi,” Neil said dumbly. Abby only smiled at him. 

“Hi, honey,” Abby replied. She had a medical bag in her hand and a bottle of water tucked under her arm. She walked over to the bed and handed it to Neil. He struggled with the cap but Abby didn’t offer to help him, knowing that he would have refused the help anyway. 

When the bottle was finally open he greedily gulped down as much as he could without choking. The feeling was a relief on his sore throat. He lowered the bottle and watched Abby as she pulled out bandages and various creams from her bag. 

“What is your pain on a scale of 1 to 10?” Abby asked, looking up from her bag. Neil shrugged and tried to hide the grimace when his arm protested. Abby let out a sigh and pulled out a bottle of pills, opening them and discarding two into Neil’s hand. 

“Take them,” She said, “It will help.” 

Neil swallowed the pills and finished off his water. 

“I’m going to change your bandages, okay?” Abby asked. Neil nodded and looked toward the door as if he was waiting for someone else to pop up and come in. He hadn’t realized that he was clutching the bottle dangerously tight until Abby reached out and eased his fingers from around the plastic.

“Do you want me to get Andrew?” Abby asked. 

Neil suddenly felt like crying at the sound of his name. He sucked in a panicked breath and tried to keep the anxiety in his stomach from stabbing him straight through the heart. 

“Neil,” Abby tried again quietly, “He’s downstairs. Do you need Andrew?” 

Neil nodded before he could stop himself. Andrew was probably furious with him. Furious was an understatement. Andrew probably hated him now. He had warned Neil not to go. He had _asked_ him not to do this and Neil had done it anyway. He wouldn’t be surprised if Andrew never wanted to see him again.

Abby didn’t leave the room but she went stark still for a minute, as soon as she was moving again Neil could hear the sound of footsteps coming up the hallway. The familiar feeling of their connection flaring to life under his skin told him immediately that it was Andrew. He watched the door with wide eyes, attempting to keep the wet tears that were threatening to fall from escaping. 

The door opened and Andrew walked in looking as he always did. Disheveled hair, dark clothing, piercing eyes. Neil couldn’t stop himself. He closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. The tears that he couldn’t seem to control just simply fell like leaves from trees.

Everything was suddenly too much. BPO, his father, the torture, his cluster feeling everything he felt, Andrew _right here_ in front of him, Abby cleaning his wounds and patching him up, his arm covered in scars to match the ones on his chest. 

Neil sucked in a breath that sounded more choked and far too much like a sob. Hands were suddenly on his shoulders and then in his hair and then his face was pressed against something warm and solid and Neil didn’t try to hold it in anymore. He cried. For the first time without having the haze of drugs in his system. He cried because he was afraid, because he was free, because he was happy, because he was alive. 

“Sh. Stop that,” Andrew said, his chest vibrating against Neil’s head causing a warm sensation to bubble in his chest, “You’re safe. It’s okay.” 

Neil shook his head and pulled back. Andrew let him. He moved his hand from Neil’s hair to the unmarked skin of his cheek. With a gentleness that only Neil was ever allowed to witness, Andrew whipped the tears from under Neil’s eyes with the pad of his thumb. 

“I’m so sorry,” Neil said, “I’m so sorry.” 

“No,” Andrew said with certainty, “Say that again and I will bury you myself.” 

Neil couldn’t stop the bubble of hysteria that burst through his chest. He let out a choked laugh that was wet with tears and anxiety. He pressed his face into the hard line of Andrew’s neck.

He stayed there for as long as it took his body to remember how to breathe properly again and Andrew let him. Nothing but the soft presses of hands against wet cheeks and curled in messy hair. Neil ignored the pain in his arm as he slid them around Andrew. He curled his fingers into the soft material of Andrew’s shirt and clung as if the hard muscles of his back were the solution to all of Neil’s problems. 

They stayed that way for several minutes until Neil felt like he wouldn’t completely fall apart without Andrew’s arms holding him together. They moved away from each other slowly and Neil moved his hands to cup the sides of Andrew’s face. 

“I meant it,” Neil said, “I came back to you.” 

Andrew’s expression gave nothing away but Neil could see the slight release of tension in his shoulders, the way the slight crease between his eyebrows lessened. 

“Don’t ever do something like that again,” Andrew simply said, “I will not chase you across the world to save you a third time.” 

Neil smiled because he knew better. “Liar.” 

Andrew huffed out a breath and leaned forward to press the barest touch of a kiss to Neil’s lips. The immediate tingle of their connection was far too much and yet not enough for Neil. He let out a sigh of relief and pressed in with more force, his fingers slipping into the soft strands of blonde hair that were messily tucked behind Andrew’s ears. Andrew returned the enthusiasm wholeheartedly.

He kissed Neil as he always kissed Neil. As if there was nothing but this. Nothing but warm lips and the intoxicating brush of tongue. Neil felt Andrew pouring everything into their connection. The feeling that Neil had missed so fucking much when he was on inhibitors. 

Talking was never Andrew’s way of showing affection. It often came from gentle touches meant just for Neil or long bouts of eye contact and silent conversations that were only shared when no one else was looking. 

Neil realized quickly that he was foolish for ever thinking that Andrew would really _hate him_ for what happened. He was definitely angry, but Neil knew that Andrew would never hurt him or force that anger on to him. This was the safest that Neil could ever be. Within arms reach of Andrew with his cluster sitting at the back of his mind like a warm blanket of comfort and support. 

Andrew pulled away first and then peppered Neil’s face with soft pecks until Neil was a gooey mess. He laughed and pushed Andrew away with his good hand. 

“Did you miss me?” Neil asked jokingly. Andrew’s eyes went dark for a moment before going back to the careful calm. 

_Fuck._

“I didn’t mean-”

“I know what you meant,” Andrew said, he sighed and leaned away from Neil so he could sit on the edge of the bed, his feet dangling over the edge. Neil looked around the room and belatedly realized that Abby had left at some point during their reunion. He would have been mortified if she saw him fall apart. 

“Don’t joke about it,” Andrew said after a moment, “Or I _really_ will kill you myself.” 

Neil nodded and leaned forward to press a single kiss against Andrew’s shoulder before sitting back against the headboard of the bed. His arm was burning from being in the same position for too long, curled far too tightly around Andrew.

“Abby was going to change my bandages,” Neil said, “Where did she go?” 

“Outside,” Andrew said cryptically. He stood from the edge of the bed and Neil immediately reached out to stop him, grabbing at the edge of his shirt and holding on. 

“Sorry,” Neil said immediately, surprising himself with his own reaction, “I just-” 

Andrew sighed softly and pressed his hand over Neil’s, easing his shirt from his grip. 

“I’m not leaving,” he said, “I’m just going to get Abby.” 

Neil nodded and tried not to look too upset as Andrew walked to the door to let Abby back in. As soon as she was inside Andrew was back to the side of the bed, sitting down beside Neil so that their thighs touched. 

“Ready?” Abby asked, a knowing look in her eyes. Neil tried not to flush red. 

“Yeah,” he said softly. 

Abby went to work taking every piece of gauze and bandage off of Neil’s arm. She cleaned the scabbing wounds from the burns and applied a numbing ointment over them. Neil sighed in relief when his skin felt the cold ointment and relished in the almost immediate numb feeling that followed. Andrew leaned close to him, his head tucked on Neil’s left shoulder and watched as Abby cleaned the shallow cuts and checked the few spots on his arm that had required stitches. 

After his arm was rebandanged she examined his face and looked over the light cuts that Lola had left there. She cleaned them and rebandaged them without much comment or fuss. Neil watched her face for some type of reaction. He had no idea how deep they were or if they were ugly but he knew that they were probably going to scar. 

“It’s not that bad,” Andrew said in a soft voice right against Neil’s ear. It sent a shiver down his spine and substantially grounded him to the present, far away from New York and BPO and the cold deathly hands of his father. 

“It’s going to scar,” Neil decided to say, sounding winded. 

“Yeah,” Andrew agreed, “But it’s kind of hot.” 

Neil snorted out a laugh and looked at Andrew in complete surprise at the words, something so unlike Andrew that Neil thought maybe he had imagined it. Andrew only shrugged. 

Abby bit her lip to stop from smiling. She covered the last bit of Neil’s skin with bandages and leaned away to examine her work. 

“All set,” She said, “It’s a miracle that the cuts weren’t deeper. You’re going to heal rather quickly.” 

Neil wanted to say that it was a miracle that he had come back in one piece but decided to keep the thought to himself. Andrew must have figured his train of thought, or felt the dark energy lingering in their connection, because he nudged Neil with his shoulder and pressed his lips to Neil’s shoulder. It was a gentle move that Neil would have never expected Andrew to perform in front of an audience. He found himself smiling warmly at Andrew as a reward. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Andrew said and used two fingers to push Neil’s face away. Neil only laughed at him. 

Abby returned everything to her bag and threw away the old bandages in the wastebasket by the door. She hovered before leaving and gave Neil a lingering look. 

“You can shower,” She said, “Just make sure that you cover your bandages so they don’t get wet.” With one more warm smile Abby turned and left the room. 

Neil let out a sigh of relief and looked over the brand new bandages on his arm and then pressed a gentle finger against the bandage on his cheek. 

“I’ll be right back,” Andrew said suddenly, he stood from the bed and pushed Neil’s hand away when he reached out to stop him, “Promise.” 

Neil gave him a firm pout but let him go. Andrew left and then came back several minutes later with plastic wrap, a garbage bag, a pair of scissors, and tape. Neil watched him with raised eyebrows but Andrew said nothing. 

“Do you want to shower?” Andrew asked after he discarded the contents onto the end of the bed. Neil immediately understood what was happening and nodded.

It took a lot of struggling and guiding for Andrew to get Neil up and out of the bed. His legs felt like jelly and there was a weird tingling sensation down his chest from where his father had pressed the paddles into his skin. It was nothing as dangerous and consistent as the tingling that Andrew often felt, but the feeling was enough to send Neil into a shaking mess as soon as he was standing. 

Andrew helped him out of the loose pair of shorts and shirt that he had been sleeping in. Neil was only slightly embarrassed about being completely naked without the fever of sex keeping him from thinking too much about it. He looked away when Andrew’s eyes trailed down the scars on his chest but Andrew didn’t react or say anything. He just reached out and pressed a warm hand over Neil’s heart and closed his eyes. 

“I don’t believe in regret,” Andrew said suddenly, his voice low, “But I think I might regret letting you go.” 

Neil placed his hand over Andrew’s and pressed as hard as he could, hoping that Andrew’s palm would pick up the temporal beat of Neil’s heart. 

“I came back,” Neil said. 

“What about next time?” Andrew asked. 

“There won’t be a next time,” Neil assured, but he didn’t even believe himself. Andrew shook his head, because he likely knew that it was a foolish thing for Neil to say. He dropped his hand and turned away. 

Andrew covered every inch of his bandages in plastic and tape, making sure that every inch was secure and that no water could possibly get through. 

“The bathroom is across the hall,” Andrew said, then quickly clarified, “Everyone is outside or at the lake.” 

“The lake?” Neil asked, perking up. 

Andrew rolled his eyes. “As soon as you are clean and dressed you can have a tour.” 

They went into the bathroom without any interruptions and Andrew ran the water with one hand stuck under the shower head to make sure it wasn’t too hot or too cold. When he was satisfied he stepped away and guided Neil in and closed the curtain.

Neil was sure that he wasn’t going to join him, but after a moment there was a shuffling of clothes and then the curtain was pulled back. Andrew stepped in right behind him and Neil sucked in a startled breath at the sight of him completely naked. Andrew rolled his eyes and pushed his face away. 

“Shut up,” He said. Neil let out a shaky breath. 

“I didn’t say anything.” 

“Idiot.” 

Andrew kept his touch clinical and never lingered for too long. He scrubbed shampoo through the fading dark hair on Neil’s head and then rinsed it out with a gentleness that Neil was now starting to only associate with Andrew. He ran soap over the rest of Neil’s skin and carefully avoided the plastic and tape. As soon as Neil was clean Andrew switched their positions and went about finishing his own shower. Neil reached out with his uninjured hand and waited until Andrew nodded before running his fingers through Andrew’s hair and helped lather the shampoo. 

Neil smiled warmly when he noticed the slight pink that flushed the tops of Andrew’s ears. 

“I like you like this,” Neil said, “Soft.” He squeezed a bit of hair in emphasis. Andrew rolled his eyes and leaned forward to kiss him once before pulling away again. 

They stayed under the warm water even when they had both finished washing. Andrew’s eyes were dark and Neil wanted to close his eyes and drown in them. 

“You can touch me,” Neil said suddenly. Andrew gave him an unimpressed look. 

“I have been,” Andrew said. He knew what Neil meant, but it seemed that he wanted Neil to actually admit what he wanted. 

“You know what I mean,” Neil murmured. Andrew leaned closer and he looked like he might pull back and demand Neil say exactly what he wanted, but it seemed his control was already a thin line. Andrew could only stare at him for a moment before he was leaning forward and kissing Neil. 

They moved as one, hands running over wet skin and lips pressing together harshly. Neil let the overstimulation ground him. He let it remind him that he was real, that Andrew was real, that he was here, that _they_ were here, together.

Andrew pulled his lips away in favor of kissing down Neil’s neck and across his collarbone and then down his chest and stomach. Neil sucked in a deep breath when Andrew’s mouth was suddenly around him. He ran his fingers through the messy blonde hair until he came with a choked out whisper of Andrew’s name. He nearly fell straight to the floor of the tub but Andrew didn’t let him. He kept firm hands on either side of Neil’s waist and stood up. 

Neil leaned forward and pressed his face into Andrew’s neck and licked and kissed until he felt Andrew go stark still against him. He bit into Neil’s shoulder and let out a low moan as he came between them. Neil ran his uninjured hand up and down his back in soothing movements until the tension completely disappeared from his body. 

“Fuck,” Andrew whispered against Neil’s skin and Neil couldn’t help but agree.

They finished the shower and dried off silently but the touches that followed were lingering and gentle and uncontrollable. 

It was different with their connection awake and alive between them. Everything felt new and all encompassing. It felt like the nights when they would sit in Abby’s backyard and curl around each other like two melting shadows. Neil never wanted to stop touching Andrew. He wanted to keep his hand on Andrew’s warm skin and he wanted to bury his face in the crook of Andrew’s neck and breath. Their connection felt like a live wire and every touch eased the aching under Neil’s skin. 

Andrew dressed Neil in loose fitting clothing and a pair of basketball shorts that were too big to be either Neil’s nor Andrew’s. When they were dressed and able to stop themselves from being constantly touching, they went downstairs to join the rest of the cluster. 

The first person Neil saw was Dan. She turned and went straight to him, pulling him into a half hug to stay clear from his injured side. Neil smiled and leaned into her touch, which was warm and familiar and comforting.

“Neil!” Matt called from the other side of the room. He crossed the distance and pulled him into a hug that was as gentle as Dan’s. Neil buried his face in Matt’s chest and let out a relieved breath. 

They still wanted him. 

Wymack came around the corner, probably following the sound of voices. As soon as he saw Neil he reached out and placed his hand on Neil’s shoulder. 

“Hey, kid,” he said, “Good to see you’re in one piece.” Neil tried his best to smile but a lingering sadness was sitting behind his chest. He couldn’t help but see his mother when he looked at Wymack, the memory of her leaning over him in the BPO facility was still clear in his mind. He wanted to ask Wymack what he had seen but decided that he wanted to wait until they were alone. 

“Hi,” Neil replied, “Thank you.” 

Wymack raised an eyebrow in question and Neil let out a breath before saying, “For finding us.” 

The words must have hit Wymack in the chest like a freight train. He wasn’t talking about coming for Neil when he was in BPO. He was talking about looking for the cluster that Mary had to leave behind, for taking them in without asking any questions, for never giving up on them. 

“Anytime,” Wymack said, but he looked breathless and a bit uncomfortable, “Your cluster is our family.” 

Neil nodded and pushed back the wetness behind his eyes. He didn’t want to cry again, he thought maybe he had enough of crying for one lifetime. Wymack gave Neil’s shoulder one more squeeze before he released him. 

“The others are down by the lake,” Wymack said, “Allison, Seth, Kevin, Katelyn, and Aaron.” 

“Is it safe to be out there?” Neil asked, “Isn’t BPO still hunting us?” 

“They’re going to be preoccupied for a while,” Wymack said, “Don’t worry about it. We’ll talk later.” 

Neil searched for the lie in Wymack’s face but came up empty. He nodded and turned back towards Andrew.

“Will you take me down to see the others?” Neil asked.

Andrew gave him a knowing look and then rolled his eyes as if it was the biggest inconvenience in the world. Even with the look Neil knew that Andrew wouldn’t say no. He had a soft spot with Neil’s name all over it. 

“You promised,” Neil said with a slight pout. He saw the way Andrew immediately gave in. 

“Fine,” Andrew conceded, “We can take a walk down there.” 

“I’ll join you,” Renee said, appearing from the front of the house. Neil reached out and took her arm into his hand as soon as she was close enough to touch. She smiled warm and sweet and Neil once again felt the tension slip from his shoulders. 

_They still want me._

“So this is really Kayleigh Day’s house?” Neil asked as soon as they were outside. He had his uninjured arm linked with Renee’s and Andrew stood at his other side, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. 

“It is,” Renee said, “It’s under a pseudonym so it is very unlikely that the Moriyamas know about it.” 

“I thought maybe I was hallucinating,” Neil confessed, the events from the day before were a blur of pain and confusion. He could only remember two things clearly. The feeling of seeing his cluster’s second birth and the feeling of Andrew’s hand wrapped around his when he pulled the trigger and killed his father. “I can’t believe Kayleigh’s alive.” 

“Wait until you see Kevin,” Renee admitted quietly, “He’s a bit shaken up about it.” 

Neil couldn’t even imagine. He had watched his mother take her last breath but all Kevin had until this point was a vague suspicion that his mother was dead. It must be overwhelming to have her back and suddenly walking into his life again. 

“I can talk to him,” Neil offered. Renee smiled warmly and squeezed his arm once in appreciation. 

The lake wasn’t far from the house and was surrounded by a fake sandy beach. It was full of people but Neil felt the pull of his cluster immediately. He released himself from Renee and went straight for them. 

“Neil!” Allison’s voice called over the sounds of the crowd, “Oh my god! You’re awake!” 

Allison stood up from her spot on the beach and met Neil halfway. She scooped him up with much less care than Dan and Matt had, she nearly crushed him into his side if it wasn’t for Andrew’s dangerous warning of _Allison_ to stop her. 

“Sorry,” She said, immediately letting him go. 

Seth came up beside her and reached out to ruffle Neil’s hair affectionately. Kevin joined them shortly after but looked far away and uncomfortable. Neil could see the haunted look on his face and Neil was surprised that he had even agreed to come out to the lake at all, considering how he seemed to be dead on his feet. 

“Have you eaten?” Allison asked, looking him over, “You look like you might pass out.” 

“I haven’t,” Neil answered honestly, “I just wanted to see you all.” 

Allison’s face softened and Seth let out a sharp _aw_ that left Neil swatting his hand at him. 

“Oh, Neil!” He turned to see Katelyn coming up from their side, a wide smile on her face and her hair pulled into a messy bun on top of her head. Aaron was close behind her but didn’t share his girlfriend's warmth. He looked more relieved to see that Neil was still in one piece. 

“Hey,” Neil said, “Enjoying the lake?” 

“It’s lovely,” Katelyn cooed. Neil felt Andrew’s annoyance spike in their connection but he brushed it aside and smiled back at Katelyn as best as he could. 

“Well,” Allison began. She reached out and tucked Neil into her side, keeping her arm wrapped securely around his shoulders. “I think it is time for lunch and maybe a little family meeting. Sound good? Good! Let’s go. Seth get our shit.” 

Seth rolled his eyes but turned away to collect whatever they had left behind on the shore. Neil let Allison drag him away and spared Andrew a passing glance as he went. There was a softness in Andrew’s eyes and Neil felt the beast of anxiety in his chest melt and disappear. 

He was home. That was all that mattered. 

*

#### Saratoga Springs - August 3

Days passed uneventfully. Neil was healing slowly and he spent the majority of his time during the day with one or more members of the cluster at his side. He knew that they were hovering because they were protective, but the constant attention was weighing slightly on his nerves. He appreciated them and enjoyed having them close, but he was so used to being alone that sometimes it was far too much for him. 

Andrew would catch on to Neil’s need to be alone and would sweep him away and up to their shared room in the house. Andrew was mostly quiet in those moments. He would change Neil’s bandages as Abby had taught him, tuck Neil against his chest, and they would simply lay there and breathe as one. It was comforting and familiar and the tightness in Neil’s chest would dissipate. 

Neil relished in the moments when he wasn’t anxious and wanted to be close to the cluster. Tonight was one of those nights. He was sitting on the floor in front of the couch, Andrew posted up behind him, both of his legs on either side of Neil. They were all sitting around the coffee table in the middle of an intense game of Uno when Kevin burst in. 

“I want to talk to Riko,” He said. He looked disheveled and Neil could practically smell the alcohol that was coming off of him. 

“Why?” Dan asked immediately, she watched him cautiously as he walked into the room and fell into the love seat. 

“I want-” Kevin said and then waved his hand in the air as if it was answer enough. 

“Closure?” Neil tried for him. Kevin snapped his fingers and pointed at him. 

“Yes,” He said, “That.” 

“Maybe not when you’re drunk,” Matt added, “Probably not a good idea to go talk to Riko when you’re vulnerable.” 

“Fuck, Riko,” Kevin said, “I want to tell him just how much he ruined my life.” 

“What is happening?” Allison mock whispered and leaned into Neil’s side. Andrew placed a protective hand over the side of his face when she got too close. 

“I think Kevin grew a spine,” Neil commented, casually brushing Andrew’s hand away but keeping it in his hand. 

“I’ll go with you,” Andrew said. Kevin perked up immediately and stood from the love seat. 

“Let’s go,” Kevin demanded. He walked out of the room as if Andrew was already following him. 

“What do you think he’s going to do?” Neil asked, he leaned his head back so he could look up at Andrew. 

“I don’t know,” Andrew commented. He looked around to the rest of the cluster and shrugged when they gave him a questioning look. “He needs this.” 

They nodded in understanding and went back to their game. Andrew took the sides of Neil’s face into his hand and pressed a kiss to his forehead before releasing him and standing. 

“I’ll be back,” he said softly. Neil nodded and watched him leave. 

The rest of the cluster pointedly ignored the interaction but unsurprisingly it was Allison who spoke up as soon as Andrew was gone. 

“Pay up,” She said, raising a hand to the center of the table as if the rest of the cluster already had her bet winnings in their pockets. 

Apparently they did. All of them discarded money into her hand with a groan. Only Renee refrained from giving Allison any money. Neil wasn’t surprised. She didn’t seem to be the type to bet. 

“What was that about?” Neil asked, looking them over. 

“We had a bet going about PDA,” Allison said, “You just made me one hundred dollars.” 

Neil rolled his eyes. He looked at the cards in his hand before discarding them into the pile in the center of the table. 

“I need to go talk to Wymack,” he said quickly, “I’ll be back.” 

There was a chorus of boos and awes as he left but he didn’t look back. He walked past the kitchen where Katelyn and Aaron were currently making out against the kitchen counter. He cringed at the sight and turned away. 

Neil found Wymack on the back porch with a cigarette in his hand and a drink on the arm of the chair. He looked up to acknowledge Neil when he exited the house. 

“Can I talk to you?” Neil asked, thankful that Abby wasn’t out here with them. He didn’t want to have this conversation with her. He thought it was enough to just talk to Wymack. 

“Course,” Wymack said. He raised a hand to the empty chair beside him and gestured for Neil to sit. 

They stayed quiet for several minutes. Neil was attempting to sort out how he wanted to talk about this with Wymack. It was hard enough to articulate things to the rest of the cluster but it was even more difficult when someone wasn’t immediately linked to him. The cluster had a way of knowing what Neil needed, mostly because they all shared a subconscious, but Wymack was not a part of their cluster and he couldn’t feel Neil’s emotions as they could. 

He took in a deep breath and decided to just jump in. 

“I saw my mom,” Neil said, “When my father used the headset on me.” 

Wymack was quiet for a moment. His face was a storm of emotions that Neil could barely decipher. He could only look at him for a moment longer before looking away. 

“That can happen,” Wymack said calmly, “Even if your cluster mother is dead, a part of her remains in all of you. Dan still sees her from time to time.” 

Neil let that sink in and then took a deep breath to center himself. He wondered what his mother thought of him now. Watching him make mistake after mistake, the same ones that she had told him over and over never to make. 

_Don’t stop running. Don’t stop taking the pills. Never look back._

Neil had managed to break every promise he had made to his mother on her deathbed. He found that he couldn’t regret it. Andrew had always said that regret was a useless emotion. Right now he had to agree with him. It was no use trying to change what he _did_. He had to learn to live for the future somehow. 

“She would be proud of you,” Wymack said suddenly, pulling Neil from his spiraling thoughts. Neil looked up at him in wonder and waited for Wymack to elaborate. 

“Mary was always rebellious,” Wymack explained, “She questioned everything, always got herself in and out of trouble, was always the first one of us to take a risk and always the one that made it out alive.” He took in a steadying breath before continuing, “She may have wanted you to keep running. To never settle and to stay as far away from the Moriyamas and from your father as possible, but a part of her must have known that you would find your cluster eventually. 

“You’re safe now. You have a home. A family. Although it’s a bit of a mess and maybe a bit fucked up, they have your back and you have theirs. Your mother might be angry that you came here but I think she would have understood why you did it. She would have done the same thing.” He rubbed a hand over his face and then gave Neil a tense look, “I have known your mother for a very long time. She loved you more than anything and she would want you to be happy in the long run. Wherever or however that might be.” 

Neil sucked in a breath and internally cursed himself for wanting to cry again. 

“Thank you,” Neil said, for the second time, “For giving me a chance. For taking me in without thinking twice.” 

“No problem, kid,” Wymack said, he reached out and placed a hand on Neil’s shoulder and squeezed once. 

They sat there until Wymack finished his whisky and Andrew came looking for him. There was a blooming bruise across Andrew’s knuckles and Neil took his hand and ran his thumb over the bruised skin. 

Later that night Andrew told him all about Kevin’s heated argument with Riko and how he finally found his own form of closure. Andrew said the punch was for good measure. Neil smiled and kissed the bruised knuckles of Andrew’s hand until Andrew had enough and pushed him into the mattress and took him apart in that special way of his. 

*

#### Saratoga Springs - August 7

“We’re having a party,” Dan announced as she walked into Allison and Renee’s room. Neil was seated on a chair with Allison behind him. She had insisted on cutting off the rest of the dark brown in Neil’s hair. All that would be left soon would be the auburn that he shared with his father. Renee had offered to dye it but Neil thought that for once he might want to be himself rather than someone else. 

“Why?” Neil asked, confused that they would have a party in the middle of a war with BPO. It had been relatively quiet the last few days. Kayleigh and Stuart had both made themselves scarce and the only person that had contact with either of them was Wymack.

Whenever one of them called with an update, Wymack would leave the room and then come back and fill the cluster in. Lately the only updates have been about the ongoing resolution of losing their Butcher and searching for Riko. It was nerve wracking that the Moriyamas knew it was their cluster but comforting that they weren’t planning on coming after them. 

Kayleigh had been right. They weren’t going to underestimate them again. 

“For our birthday, you goon,” Dan said with a wide smile, “This is the first one where we're all together!” 

Neil’s eyes went wide and he opened his mouth but then closed it immediately. 

“Don’t look like that,” Dan said, “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten your own birthday.” She lifted her hand immediately and said, “Forget I said that. It’s been a long few weeks.” 

“Been a long life,” Allison commented. Neil nodded in agreement but Allison quickly stopped his head from moving and scolded him with a firm, “I’m not done yet.” 

Neil rolled his eyes but stayed stark still while Allison finished cutting the last spot on the back of his head. 

“We’re going to the store,” Dan said, “Is there anything specific you want or need?” 

“Alcohol,” Allison said immediately. Dan rolled her eyes. 

“I’m not stupid,” Dan said, “Do you want anything specific, Neil? I know you don’t drink.” 

“Kiwis,” Neil said immediately, before belatedly remembering that he hated them, “And oranges.” 

“Wow,” Allison said while running fingers through his hair, “You could have anything and you ask for fruit.” 

Neil scowled and wrangled himself free from her hands. He gave himself a cursory glance in the mirror before looking away. 

“I like fruit,” he argued. Allison scoffed at him and began to clean up the mess of brown hair on the floor. 

“I’ll be sure to get both of those things,” Dan said, “We’ll be back later. If you think of anything let me know.” 

Neil nodded and watched her leave the room. 

“You look good, cutie,” Allison admired, “I did some good work.”

Neil ran a hand through his now short hair. It wasn’t as tense and dry as the dyed hair always was and he was surprised to find that he didn’t mind the feeling. He had never given much thought to what his hair felt like or if it looked good. It had never mattered on the run. Now he found that it was exciting to have something soft to run his hands through. 

“I’m sure Andrew will appreciate it,” Allison said with a coy smile. Neil gave her a glare that had no real bite to it. She laughed, the kind that left her entire face twisted in joy, and pushed him to the door. 

“Go see if you can cheer Kevin up,” she said, “I want to make sure he doesn’t ruin the party.” 

“What do I get for helping him?” He asked petulantly, even though he had already planned to talk to Kevin at some point today. 

Allison gave him a considering look before she said, “Oh no. We’ve corrupted you. Don’t you want to be nice for the sake of being nice?” 

Neil gave her a smirk that said he would never. 

“Go away,” She said, waving a hand at him, “I won’t let you get corrupted further.” 

Neil left without looking back. It wasn’t hard to find Kevin. The Saratoga Springs house wasn’t as large as the house in Paris and Kevin never strayed far from Wymack or Abby these days. It seemed he could barely keep himself together. If he wasn’t drinking he was sleeping off the hangover and if he wasn’t hungover or drinking he was sulking by the lake with whoever had the nerve to keep his company. 

Today he was in the kitchen when Abby, who was currently putting together a fierce amount of food for the entire household. Neil went straight to the kitchen and caught Kevin’s eye immediately. 

“Come with me,” Neil said, nodding towards the exit of the house. Kevin looked at him for a moment before looking to Abby as if she would help him make a decision. 

“Now,” Neil clarified. Kevin let out a deep sigh and stood from the bar stool. Abby watched them leave with a curious look in her eyes but she said nothing. Neil hoped that she trusted him not to bring Kevin back more damaged than he already was. 

They passed through the rest of the house quickly, ignoring the other occupants who were huddled together in the living room. As soon as they were outside Neil turned on Kevin and gave him a hard look. 

“Talk,” Neil said, “You’ve been holding back. You need to talk about it.” 

Neil wasn’t one to try and comfort others but he was learning. The rest of the cluster made it look easy, and right now he wished that it was.

Kevin gave him a surprised look, as if he hadn’t expected Neil to be the one to confront him.

“What do you want me to say?” 

“Your piece,” Neil offered, “You’re mom just came back to life. The person who tortured you emotionally throughout your childhood is tied up in our garage. I think you should talk about it.” 

“I already made my peace with Riko,” Kevin said but the look in his eyes told Neil that he wasn’t really over it yet. 

“Then what about your mom?” Neil said, not willing to push the Riko issue so much, “You haven’t talked about her once since we got back.” 

“Not to you,” Kevin said.

“Oh because you talk to Wymack or Abby about your mom?” Neil said knowingly, “You wouldn’t.” 

Kevin let out a sigh and ran his hands through his hair. He collapsed into one of the chairs on the deck and practically curled into himself. Neil couldn’t do anything but lean against the railing across from him and wait. 

“I mourned her,” Kevin said, through his hands, “I mourned her and now she’s back. She _abandoned_ me. I had to take the trip from New York to South Carolina _alone._ Now she’s back and I can’t just let it go.” 

“No one said you have to,” Neil said, “No one said you had to let it go.” 

Kevin sat up and gave Neil a dark look. The kind that said that he wasn’t okay and that he might never be okay again. 

“What if I can never forgive her?” Kevin asked, “What if she wants to be a part of my life when this is over and I just-” he paused and sucked in a breath, “Can’t?” 

“Then you don’t,” Neil said simply. Kevin gave him a startled look but Neil didn’t let him try and talk. “Look, no one said you had to forgive her or go back to the way things were. You can at least understand why she did it. Sometimes I think that I hate my mom for the way she was when we were on the run. Sometimes I think that I will never forgive her for the things she did or said, but I know why she did it and I know that it was to keep me safe. I would have done the same. Maybe you should think about it in that regard before you come to any serious decisions.” 

He paused and let Kevin soak in his words before adding, “You also have no idea how she is going to be when you see her again. For all you know, everything could resolve itself as soon as you talk to her.”

Kevin watched him warily for a minute. Neil let him ruminate in his words. Maybe it hadn’t been the right thing to say. Neil was pretty sure he was shit at giving people advice, especially when his life was such a complete disaster, but he decided that he would give Kevin the advice that he had wanted to hear for so long. 

“What she did was not okay,” Neil said, “You can decide if you want to forgive her or let her in, but don’t beat yourself up for something that you had no control over. You were just a kid.” 

Kevin continued to stare at him for a moment before he said, “Maybe you should take your own advice.” 

“Oh fuck off,” Neil said, but he found himself smiling anyway, “I’m not the one that has to confront his mother eventually.” 

Kevin let out a laugh that held no real humor to it before rubbing his face one more time and standing up. He cleared his throat awkwardly and gave Neil an assessing look before saying, “Thank you.” 

Neil considered the pros and cons of being an asshole in response but threw the idea away when he saw the vulnerability in Kevin’s face. 

“You’re welcome,” Neil said, “Now stop drinking so fucking much and eat an onion or something. Your liver will thank you.” 

“Fuck you,” Kevin replied, but he was smiling genuinely now. 

Neil thought it might be enough. 

*

#### Saratoga Springs - August 8

On the morning of their birthday Neil and Andrew woke up slowly and wrapped around one another. They spent the majority of their morning sharing lazy kisses and pressing warm hands against skin. Neil enjoyed these moments the most. When the rest of the world narrowed down to nothing but Andrew. His lips, his hands, his hair between Neil’s fingers. 

Things had been different since Neil had gotten back from the BPO facility. Everyday he would wake up and have to remind himself where he was and Andrew would assist him with grounding touches and gentle words. Some nights he would lay awake and replay the feeling of his father electrocuting him over and over again. On those nights they would wake up and Andrew would remind him that his father was dead. Those nights were the hardest. 

Today was different because today he felt the entire cluster’s excited energy in the back of their connection. They had never been this enthusiastic and relaxed before but thankfully they have been free from any BPO threats for an entire seven days. It was enough to lift their spirits. 

Andrew was kissing down the column of Neil’s neck when his phone buzzed loudly on the side table. He didn’t stop for a moment but the buzzing kept going and Andrew let out an annoyed huff of air against Neil’s neck, which definitely sent a shiver straight to his toes, before pulling away and grabbing his phone off of the end table. 

He looked at the screen and scowled before answering. 

“Nicky,” Andrew said as a way of greeting. Neil rolled over and pressed himself to Andrew’s side so he could listen. He was given a half-hearted glare but Andrew put the phone on speaker anyway and set it on his chest so they could both hear Nicky. 

“Hello, one half of my favorite cousins,” Nicky sang through the phone. Neil gave Andrew an amused look which prompted Andrew to cover his eyes with one of his hands. Neil tried not to laugh and give himself away. 

“Do you know what time it is, Nicky?” Andrew asked, “It’s too early for your enthusiasm.” 

“It’s 10 am there!” Nicky bellowed, sounding offended, “Don’t tell me you’re just getting up? I’ve already called Aaron and he was very much awake and excited to hear from me.” 

Neil doubted it.

“Was he really?” Andrew asked, “And why are you calling both of us?” 

“Because it’s your birthday, you grumpy bastard,” Nicky said. Neil covered his mouth to hide the smile that had erupted across his face. Andrew removed his hand from his eyes and simply tapped him on the forehead. 

“I know,” Andrew said, “Thanks for the reminder.” 

“What are you doing on this beautiful day?” Nicky asked, “Are you spending it with someone special?” 

“Fuck off, Nicky,” Andrew said, but didn’t deny it. Neil pressed himself more firmly against Andrew’s side and received a deep sigh in response. 

“Touchy,” Nicky teased, “I just wanted to say Happy Birthday. I hope you call Aaron and return the sentiment.” 

Neil waited for Andrew to tell Nicky that they were actually in the same house in the same state in the same _country_ but the correction never came. 

“I will,” Andrew said, if only to placate Nicky, “Thanks for calling and waking me up.” 

“Andrew,” Nicky scolded, “It is 10 am you can _not_ tell me I woke you up.” 

“Goodbye, Nicky,” Andrew said, he lifted his phone and went to hang up but Neil stopped him with a firm hand around his wrist. 

“Bye, Nicky,” Neil said loudly. The twist of surprise on Andrew’s face was enough to satisfy Neil. 

“Wait-” Nicky started, “Who the fuck-” 

Andrew hung up before he could finish his sentence.

“I hate you,” He announced emphatically. Neil only smiled and leaned forward and kissed him. 

“Sure you do.” 

*  
By mid afternoon half of the cluster was drunk and Neil, unfortunately, felt drunk by association. He wasn’t _drunk_ like they were, but he felt the familiar buzz that alcohol left in the system. He almost had a panic attack in the middle of the living room before Andrew had talked him down. 

“Just shut them out,” Andrew instructed calmly, “Imagine the connection is like light switches. Turn them off one by one until only the ones you want on are left.” 

It worked wonders. Neil was able to ease the connection between the more inebriated members of the cluster without too much fuss or the use of inhibitors. He smiled gratefully at Andrew and said, “So now I get to learn all of your secrets. Have you taught the rest of the cluster this or am I special?” 

Andrew had just scowled at him and pushed his face away. 

The entire house was full of food and drinks to the point that no surface was safe from a stray plate or cup. They had spread the party across the entire first floor and out into the backyard. 

Allison was currently arm wrestling Matt and just barely winning, she had already beaten Seth, although he said she was cheating because she had kicked him under the table in order to win. Kevin was outside, looking much more alert and steady on his feet, with Wymack and Abby. Renee was with Dan on the couch laughing at something Katelyn was saying.

The entire house was full of warmth and more emotions than Neil had ever felt in one place. He couldn’t remember the last birthday that had been as rewarding as this one. He thought maybe it was enough to just get to experience it. 

Andrew and Aaron were in one corner of the room talking quietly. They had slipped away a moment before and Neil wondered if they were having some weird brotherly moment. The entire cluster shared a birthday but Aaron shared that birthday with them as well. Neil wondered if it was a strange sensation to have a twin with seven different people sharing their headspace. He thought maybe it was something Aaron had come to terms with, considering that Aaron looked downright amused at the sight of everyone drunk and acting a mess. 

Neil watched them for a moment until Andrew’s eyes found him from across the room. Neil smiled the smile that he reserved for just Andrew and watched as Andrew said something to Aaron without looking away. Aaron nodded and gave Andrew an awkward pat on the shoulder before they went their separate ways. 

Andrew walked straight to Neil and then nodded towards the backdoor. He didn’t stop to say anything, simply brushed past Neil and left without looking back. Neil followed him outside.

They went past Abby, Wymack, and Kevin and down to the shore of the lake. Neil expected to feel a spike of panic at the sight of the beachside view, but he found that he was far too relaxed and comfortable for the feeling to take hold. Andrew sat down in the dusty sand by the shore and Neil followed him. 

“Happy birthday,” Neil said. He watched Andrew pull out his pack of cigarettes and light two of them. He handed one off to Neil and kept the other for himself. 

“Happy birthday,” Andrew mumbled back. Neil let out a breath of a laugh and pressed the side of his head to Andrew’s shoulder. 

“I never had a chance to experience the second birth,” Neil started, speaking softly because it felt like too much to say more than that, “But when my father was-” He paused and considered what he wanted to say, “When my father _did that_ to me. I saw it.” 

Andrew hummed and took a drag of his cigarette. 

“It felt like being dunked in ice water,” Neil confessed, “I missed so much time with all of you. I wish I had been there since the beginning.” 

“What difference would it have made?” Andrew asked, “You wouldn’t have trusted us with your mother around.” 

Neil knew that it was true but he pretended for a second that he would have let his cluster in rather than push them away. 

“I want to keep this,” Neil said, “All of it.” 

“It’s yours,” Andrew said, and Neil didn’t miss the double meaning, “I already told you that.” 

Neil smiled and attempted to smother it in the sleeve of Andrew’s shirt. 

“I love you,” Neil whispered because he felt like he should. 

“I know,” Andrew replied.

A moment of silence passed before Andrew spoke again. 

“I love you, too.” 

“I know,” Neil countered. 

Andrew only huffed out a breath that sounded dangerously close to a laugh. He lifted his arm and jostled Neil only slightly before wrapping it around Neil and pulled him closer. 

“When this is all over,” Andrew said, “You can throw a dart at a map and we’ll go wherever it lands.” 

Neil hummed and closed his eyes, pretending he could see a future where the Moriyamas were gone and there was nothing but Neil, Andrew, their cluster, and all the time in the world. 

“I still want to get bratwurst in Germany.”

“I’m offering you the entire world,” Andrew said with a dull tone, but it carried a weight that felt like something holy, “And you want to get bratwurst in Germany.” 

“I can also meet Nicky,” Neil offered. It was a cheap attempt at pushing himself farther into Andrew’s life, taking more than Andrew may be willing to give him. But he tried it anyway. 

“Maybe,” Andrew said, but it sounded like _okay,_ “You’ll see why I only visit him once or twice a year.” 

Neil laughed and leaned more into Andrew’s side. The cigarette in his hand was forgotten and Neil let it burn out into nothing. 

“We should go back inside,” Neil said, after Andrew’s cigarette was already spent and the butt was tucked back into Andrew’s pack of cigarettes, “We can watch Allison try and arm wrestle Kevin.” 

“I bet she’ll win,” Andrew said. He released Neil from his arm and stood up, reaching out and pulling Neil up with him. 

“I thought you didn’t bet,” Neil teased. Andrew rolled his eyes and took Neil’s bandage free hand in his own and squeezed. 

“There’s a first for everything.” 

Neil laughed and the sound followed them back into the house until it was washed away by the sounds of the party happening around them. 

For a second, Neil thought he saw Mary out of the corner of his eye. He turned to look and saw nothing. He let out a deep breath and pretended that he had seen her. 

He thought maybe she had been smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does Saratoga Springs have a lake? Yes. Is it as described? I have absolutely no fucking idea. Just go with it y’all. 
> 
> Also for reference. The main cluster in Sense8 was born on August 8th so I decided to say fuck it and make that the official birthday for these idiots. 
> 
> This is probably the softest chapter I have EVER written. I can’t believe how domestic it is. What a time to be alive. 
> 
> Please excuse any glaring errors. I am one fool with zero editing skills and ADHD. I will go back and edit when I find something real bad.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! :)


	15. You Want a War? I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: threats of bodily harm, mentions of past abuse, talk about mental health, slight ableist language, disassociation, violence, minor physical altercation

#### Saratoga Springs - August 15

Neil’s injuries healed rather quickly, only leaving behind large pink scars that felt raw to the touch. The burns had taken the longest to heal and even two weeks later they were still painfully tight against his skin. Abby gave him burn ointment and scar cream but neither seemed to really stop the ghost pain that bloomed across his arm and face. Andrew would often brush the sensation away with light touches but Neil still feared that he would never be the same again.

The stay at the Saratoga Springs house felt more like a vacation than it did a waiting period for their impending war with BPO. Neil realized rather quickly that he was the only one that couldn’t completely relax. The rest of the cluster passed their time at the lake or in the house playing cards and goofing off. Neil wished he could be more like them, but every morning he woke up with a solid lump sitting in his stomach and his anxiety unfurling inside of him like the living creature it was. 

He felt unsettled, uncomfortable, uncertain. He walked around the house like a ghost most days and only really came back to himself when Andrew shoved an ice cube against the back of his neck or dug his nails into the palm of Neil’s hand. 

Neil knew that he was spiraling but he was too afraid to admit that outloud to anyone. His father was dead and it felt too much like a waking dream for him to really accept it, even if he was the one to pull the trigger. 

Neil was sitting on the back porch with Andrew and Renee, enjoying the quiet morning breeze and eating a bowl of chopped fruit that Abby had put together for him, when Seth came barrelling through the back door. 

“She’s here,” Seth said breathlessly, “Kayleigh and Stuart are here.” 

Andrew stood immediately and whipped his hands down the front of his jeans and said, “Great. I was waiting for my chance to murder the bastard.” 

“No murder,” Renee replied calmly. 

“Yes, murder,” Andrew retorted. Neil snorted at his petulant tone.

“Are you really going to murder my uncle?” Neil asked, “You know he’s my only living relative, right? That might not go over too well with the rest of the family.” 

“He’s not family,” Andrew replied shortly. Neil couldn’t help but agree with him. 

They followed Seth into the house and Neil discarded his empty bowl into the kitchen sink before walking out into the living room.

The room was divided in half, metaphorically and physically. 

The entirety of their cluster stood to one side, shoulder to shoulder in an impressive show of intimidation with Stuart, Kayleigh Day, and Jean standing across from them. 

Neil went straight to Kevin’s side without thinking twice about it. Andrew and Renee were close behind him. Seth filtered in to take up post between Matt and Allison.

“So it’s time?” Wymack asked, he stood in front of the cluster like an unwavering presence, a one man army between them and the rest of the world. 

“Kengo Moriyama is dead,” Kayleigh announced.

The room went stark still. Neil felt Kevin tense instantly at the words. He reached out and wrapped his hand around Kevin’s wrist, giving him a firm squeeze. 

“BPO has officially been signed over to Ichirou as of this morning,” Kayleigh continued, “The board is not happy about it. They wanted me to take over when Kengo passed, but it seems that Ichirou was able to have his father pass down the reins to him before he died. This wasn’t entirely unexpected, Kengo has been sick for a long time. But it changes everything. If you want to help me reclaim BPO and turn it into the resource for sensates that it was meant to be, then I need you to help me take out the last of the Moriyamas.” 

“Why should we help you?” Dan cut in, stepping forward and taking up her place beside Wymack. There was a look of pride on Wymack’s face at the gesture. “You helped them torture sensates for years. Kevin said that we can trust you but I’m not convinced.” 

“I can’t change what I did,” Kayleigh confessed, “All I can do is make it right.” 

“Tell us everything,” Kevin said suddenly. Neil squeezed his wrist in silent support. “Walk us through the entire story.” 

Kayleigh looked at her son as any mother would. Pride, wonder, endearment, sitting behind her green eyes. Neil felt Kevin’s wrist twitch from clenching and unclenching his hand. 

“I’ll start from the beginning,” She said before taking a deep breath and spilling the whole truth to their cluster. 

It went like this, Kayleigh Day was born a sensate but her cluster wasn’t born until she had turned 21. At that time, Kayleigh had been studying genetics at a university in England, she promptly transferred to a school in New York City and moved across the world to be closer to her cluster. There was a professor at the university in New York who was a sensate, he immediately caught on to Kayleigh’s secret and confronted her. He introduced her to several of his colleagues, an entire underworld of sensates opened up right before her eyes. One of them had been Kengo Moriyama. 

Kengo, a charismatic older gentleman with years of experience and several degrees under his belt, had filled Kayleigh’s head with lavish stories of studying sensates, of discovering why they were so different from homosapiens, of figuring out where they had come from and for how long they had existed. Kayleigh, an impressionable young adult with a heart for adventure, had immediately been taken by Kengo’s desire to study homosensoriums. So she helped him found the Biological Preservation Organization, a nonprofit that would be dedicated to studying and helping sensates. 

Kayleigh had quickly dragged the rest of her cluster into it. BPO developed quickly and with the changes came Kengo’s hunger for power, money, and immortality. 

The equipment that Kayleigh had created, the headset, the birth inducing serum, were taken and used to harm sensates rather than help them. She had watched the organization spiral, powerless to stop it. The relationship with her cluster slowly crumbled. Abby refused to stay and sit idly by while they abused the sensates that they were supposed to be protecting. Wymack, who had been half in love with Kayleigh and would have done anything for her, left her behind. 

The only one from their cluster that remained was Mary Hatford. She was going to leave but quickly discovered that she was pregnant with the Butcher’s child. There was nothing that she could have done, no way that she could have left without causing an uproar, not unless she wanted to risk her own life and the life of the child she was carrying. 

So Mary and Kayleigh stayed. Kayleigh wanted to change BPO from the inside out and Mary wanted to keep her child safe. 

Enter their cluster. 

As soon as their cluster was born, and Kayleigh realized that her son was a part of Mary’s newly born cluster, she had to act and act quickly. There was no way that BPO was going to let them go, not when they were Mary’s and definitely not when they were meant to be another experiment for BPO to pick apart. 

Two years after their cluster was born, two years after Mary and Neil had run from BPO, Kengo threatened to use Kevin as a connector to get to the rest of the cluster and in turn to get to Mary. Kayleigh packed a bag, put Kevin on a bus to South Carolina, and told him to never come back.

In the time between Kevin going to live with Wymack and the rest of their cluster converging in South Carolina, Kayleigh went about the task of breaking every single one of Kengo’s loyal connections. The only one that had remained was the Butcher, until recently. 

Neil listened to the entirety of her story and kept a firm hand locked around Kevin’s wrist. Wymack looked considerably angry but remained impassive. 

They were silent for a long time after Kayleigh had finished speaking. Neil looked to his right to see that Andrew had started digging his fingers into the armbands on his forearm and Renee had a tension in her face that put Neil on edge. 

“You could have done something,” Dan finally spoke up, the cluster immediately poured their support into their shared connection, “All of those years and you did nothing.”

Kayleigh hung her head in shame but didn’t look away from the fire in Dan’s eyes. 

“I know,” She admitted, “Like I said. I can’t change what I did but I _can_ make it right again.” 

“What do you want us to do?” Dan asked, clearly frustrated, “You want us to clean up your mess?” 

“You have Riko,” Kayleigh said, “You killed their Butcher. You started this war without me. But you will not finish it alone.” 

Neil looked to Kevin to see his reaction. He was very clearly one step away from having a complete mental breakdown. Neil tugged on his wrist to get his attention and as soon as his eyes were on Neil’s he loosened considerably. 

“We can use Riko to get to Tetsuji,” Kevin said suddenly. He pulled his wrist free from Neil’s hand and stepped forward to confront his mother. Andrew went to move with him but Neil caught him by the edge of his shirt and held him back. Kevin had to do this alone. Kevin _could_ do this alone.

“Ichirou doesn’t give a shit about Riko but he cares about Tetsuji. He was the one that worked on all of those experiments with you. If Ichirou loses him then he loses all of the work that his father conducted,” Kevin said, “We can use Riko as bait, lure Tetsuji out, capture him and force Ichirou to meet us head on.” 

“It would work,” Kayleigh said, not taking her eyes away from her son, “But it is incredibly dangerous. There is no guarantee that he will come alone.” 

“You will make sure he does,” Kevin insisted, “If you really have BPO’s loyalty then you will make sure that Tetsuji comes alone.” 

Kayleigh was silent for a moment as if she was considering her options. She continued to stare at Kevin, their eyes mirror reflections of each other, one filled with regret and the other filled with anger. 

“I can make that happen,” Kayleigh said finally, “Just make sure you’re ready. This won’t be easy.” 

“Nothing about this has been easy,” Neil said. Kayleigh immediately looked over and gave him a sad lingering look, her eyes definitely taking in the scars on Neil’s cheek.

“No it hasn’t been,” Kayleigh agreed, “I’m so sorry about what happened.” 

Neil shook his head and pointedly looked away. He didn’t want to think about it. Anytime he thought about New York he ended up thinking about his father and thinking about his father sent him spiralling into a black hole of nothingness. 

“Don’t,” Neil said, sounding more choked than he had wanted, “Don’t worry about it.” 

Andrew met his gaze head on and didn’t look away until Kayleigh spoke again. 

“I will go back to the city and make sure that everything goes smoothly. If anything changes I will call.” 

“Fine,” Wymack said, “Just make sure you don’t do anything stupid.” 

Kayleigh smiled a private smile and said, “I’ll try my best.” 

“Can I kill Stuart now?” Andrew asked, leaning into Neil’s side. 

Stuart let out a startled laugh at the words and Andrew shot a razor sharp glare in his direction.

“No,” Neil said with finality, “We need him.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes and turned away, leaving the room without so much as a look back.

Neil let out a relieved sigh and followed him.

*

#### Saratoga Springs - August 17

Neil followed Andrew, Matt, and Kevin to the garage for what was most likely going to be a show of pure violence against Riko’s person. Not that Neil cared what happened to Riko, but he hated the way Andrew carried himself when he came back from acting on his violent impulses.

The plan was rather straightforward. They would take some rather unpleasant photos of Riko, send them to Tetsuji from a fake email and then set up a time to meet so they could “exchange” Riko for money. 

It was an action movie style ransom situation. Neil thought it was slightly ridiculous. 

Riko looked up when they entered the garage. He had a gag shoved in his mouth and his arms were tied behind him to the chair. Neil had not seen him since they brought him to France and he had to admit that seeing Riko half broken in front of him was a satisfying sight. 

The usual cocky look in Riko’s eyes was completely gone and replaced with _nothing_. Riko seemed to be absent from his body. It was clear that he had given up. Neil couldn’t believe how easy it had been to see someone with such power crumble. It was like watching his father take his last breath. Quick and anticlimactic. 

“We have some good news for you, Riko,” Andrew said, he walked straight over to Riko and took his chin into his hand. Neil didn’t miss the way Riko physically flinched from the touch. “You’re going to get to see your uncle again.” 

Riko’s eyes widened in surprise at the words. He mumbled something through the cloth in his mouth but then immediately went quiet with a huff of annoyance. 

“What was that?” Andrew asked. He tilted Riko’s head up and nearly bent his head backwards, “I couldn’t hear you.” 

“Andrew,” Kevin said in warning. Neil looked over to see Kevin’s conflicted expression. Two emotions were at war on his face, one was a clear sign of guilt, the other was fear.

“Kevin,” Andrew replied with the same tone of voice. He dropped Riko’s face and turned to step away. He motioned for Matt to come forward and stepped aside so that Matt could take photos of Riko. 

“Do you think we should rough him up some more?” Andrew asked, “I don’t think he looks nearly beaten down enough. Maybe Tetsuji won’t be so worried about you unless he sees that you’ve been bleeding.” 

Riko’s eyes widened with obvious fear. Neil almost felt bad for him. 

“Oh that’s a good look,” Matt said, taking the photo of Riko’s fearful expression, “I think that will really hit home. Plus there are some left over bruises from when you punched him the other night.” 

Surprisingly, Kevin didn’t seem to be affected by the words. He still seemed unsure of himself and where he stood in this room with Riko right in front of him. But he didn’t immediately recoil at the mention of Andrew punching Riko in the face. 

“Okay I think we have it,” Matt said, he looked at his phone and then held it out for Neil to look at. Neil only gave it a cursory glance before shrugging. He didn’t know if Tetsuji was stupid enough to take the bait but he was sure that they were going to find out rather soon. 

Andrew scowled at the image on the phone but nodded anyway. 

“Turns out you won’t need to be roughened up more,” Andrew said casually, but his words were anything but, “Too bad. I was looking forward to some stress relief.” 

“Jesus,” Matt said, but he was smirking, “You can be really fucking scary you know that, Minyard?” 

Andrew didn’t deem that with a response. He sent one last glare to Riko before turning to the door and pulling it open. Neil had to grab Kevin by the arm to get him to move towards the door. 

“We’ll send someone in later with food and your inhibitors,” Matt said to Riko, “Need to piss?” 

When Riko shook his head Matt nodded, “Good.” 

They left the garage and Kevin immediately leaned against the wall as if it was the only thing keeping him from falling over. 

“It’s okay,” Matt said, clapping a hand down on Kevin’s shoulder, he poured reassurance through their connection hard enough for Neil to feel it, “This will be over soon.” 

“And when it is,” Neil started, “Might I suggest therapy?” 

“You’re such an asshole,” Kevin bit out, anger spiking through their connection, “You’re one to talk. We all see the way you completely tap out. If anyone needs professional help it’s you.” 

Neil felt his father’s anger immediately take hold. He gave Kevin one firm shove back against the wall and turned to take off down the hallway.

“Hey!” Kevin called after him, “You don’t get to call me out on shit and then get mad when I give it back to you!” 

Neil flipped him off before turning the corner and leaving them behind. Wymack was standing in the living room, leaning over Dan’s shoulder and watching her work away on her computer, he looked up when Neil entered and immediately raised an eyebrow in question when he caught sight of Neil’s face. 

“Nothing,” Neil bit out, “I’m fine.” 

“We need to get a coin jar,” Dan said casually, not bothering to look over her shoulder, “Everytime you say you're fine when you’re clearly not you have to put a quarter in.” 

“Fuck off,” Neil said for good measure, “Matt has the stupid photo. We’re ready to send it whenever you are.” 

Dan gave him a thumbs up and Neil rolled his eyes before leaving the room completely. He made it outside and down the back porch before his legs completely gave out on him. Without much ceremony, he sat straight back into the grass and dropped his face into his hands. 

Kevin was right. Neil was a walking time bomb, if someone poked him the wrong way he would go off and Neil wasn’t sure that anyone would be able to pick up the pieces. 

They were almost at the finish line. It tasted like victory knowing that they were two steps away from Ichirou. As soon as they had Tetsuji with them they were going to finally get a chance at taking out the last remaining member of the Moriyama family. As soon as their empire crumbled they would be safe. No more running. No more hiding. 

Neil didn’t think that his demons would settle just because there was no longer a bounty on their heads. He would suffer with or without the external threat on their lives. The biggest enemy Neil had was 6 feet under, but he was still haunting his every breath. 

The door opened behind him and Neil didn’t have to look up to know that Andrew was coming out to join him. He felt their connection flare from just a few feet away. It didn’t settle the aching in Neil’s chest, but it helped distract him for just a moment. 

Something cold was pressed against the back of Neil’s neck and he let out a surprised jolt at the sensation. 

“What are you doing?” Neil asked, attempting to pull away from the ice cube that Andrew was pressing into his skin. 

“You’re dissociating,” Andrew said simply, “Multiple times a day.” 

“Fuck off. I don’t need to be psychoanalyzed,” Neil replied. 

“You’re spiralling.” 

“I’m aware.” 

“Are you?” 

Neil pushed Andrew’s hand away and sent him a hard glare but it quickly lost its heat when he saw the clear unease in Andrew’s eyes. Neil let out a sigh and pried the ice cube from Andrew’s hand, letting it sit in his palm instead of on his neck.

“I’m not fine,” Neil said, “But now isn’t really the time for this.” 

“You can’t control when you have a mental breakdown,” Andrew replied, “You have no control over this.” 

“What do you want me to do?” Neil asked, “We’re about to start and finish a war with the Moriyamas. We don’t have time for me to ruin it with a little bit of anxiety.” 

Andrew gave Neil an unimpressed look. 

“I know,” Neil said in defeat, “I fucking know, okay? I’m fucked up.” 

Andrew placed his hand on the back of Neil’s neck and let his thumb trace the curve of his skin up and down. 

“You are not okay,” Andrew said, “Nothing is okay. But your father is dead and he is not coming back for you. You are safe.” 

Neil sucked in a breath and nodded against Andrew’s hand. 

“I know,” Neil said, “I just need some reminding sometimes.” 

“You’re allowed to be upset,” Andrew continued, “Don’t push it down because we’re in the middle of something important. It will only make it worse.” 

Neil nodded again and Andrew gave the back of his neck one firm squeeze before letting him go. He walked to Neil’s front and crouched down in front of him, taking the sides of Neil’s face into both hands. 

“Abram,” Andrew said, his voice soft and all encompassing, “You’re here. You’re alive. You’ll be alive tomorrow and probably the day after that. The Moriyamas will soon be a thing of the past. Stop making yourself sick over it.” 

Neil closed his eyes and leaned forward until his forehead knocked into Andrew. 

“Thank you,” Neil said softly. Andrew scoffed. 

“Don’t thank me for this,” Andrew said, “Do you want to go inside?” 

Neil shook his head, knocking his forehead against Andrew. 

“Okay,” Andrew replied. He moved away and returned to Neil’s side and sat down in the grass. Neil laid back and pretended he wasn’t one step away from falling apart. 

*

#### New York City, August 19

Neil was in the Saratoga Springs house while Andrew, Seth, Matt, and Renee went out to confront Tetsuji alone. They had left at around 9 pm in order to make it for the assigned meeting time of 1 am in New York City. Neil hated that they had left him behind but Andrew had made it very clear that he wasn’t completely healed and he wasn’t in the right headspace to be taking on this sort of task. He had pouted and complained about it up until the moment they had left, but he conceded that Andrew was probably right. Neil was still a walking time bomb. He was just waiting to go off. 

The others had stayed behind as well. Dan had given Neil a sympathetic look while he paced around the living room.

“Now you know how it feels,” Dan had said. It didn’t make him feel any better. 

Being a sensate had a lot of perks, Neil quickly realized. One of them was that they were never really _alone_. He couldn’t wait even fifteen minutes before he was visiting the others in the car on the way to New York City. 

Andrew had given him a humorless look when he appeared in the backseat beside him but made no comment. He simply raised his arm and let Neil slot himself against his side and hold on tight. 

Neil hadn’t spent much time in New York City but from what he could remember the city was never really quiet even in the middle of the night. So it was no surprise when they breached the outskirts of the city to find that there were still people on the street and cars passing over the bridges in the distance. 

The meeting spot was a rather abandoned parking garage just outside of the city. It was the spot that Dan had chosen, something about easy access to security cameras and _”The buildings next to it are abandoned so no one will come looking.”_

They rode all the way to the top of the parking garage and Neil flexed his fingers against Andrew’s arm to try and settle his nervous energy. 

“It will be fine,” Andrew assured him in a hushed voice, “Stop fidgeting.” 

“Don’t worry, Neil,” Seth cooed from the front seat, he turned on his side and looked over his shoulder, “We may not be as lethal as you but Matt and I can take care of ourselves.” 

“We specialize in fisting,” Matt said, “Wait- I take that back that sounded really dirty.” 

Renee let out a quiet laugh and Neil smothered his own smile in the back of his hand. 

“Just be careful,” He pleaded once the smile had worn away and in its place he only felt dread, “If he’s not alone-”

“Kayleigh said he would be,” Matt replied quickly, cutting Neil off, “They don’t have anyone to spare right now. She made sure that he would come alone or with someone that would be on our side.” 

Neil nodded and watched Seth and Matt pull on their ski masks. Neil twitched again and Andrew reached out to cover his hand with his own. 

“Stop it,” Andrew commanded, as if it was that easy. Neil sighed and pressed his fingers firmly into Andrew’s arm so that he could feel it. 

“Come back to me?” Neil asked in the softest voice that he could muster, not caring that the others could hear him. 

Andrew hesitated for a moment before pressing his hand firmly against Neil’s. The answer was clear and just for him. A silent form of _always._

“Alright,” Matt said, “We’re going. You two should hang out in the shadows and wait for our signal.” 

“Which is?” Andrew asked. He released Neil’s hand and leaned forward into the front seat. 

“I don’t know,” Seth said petulantly, “I’ll sneeze or something.” 

“You’ll sneeze?” Andrew asked dryly, “On command?” 

“We’re sensates,” Renee cut in, “You can be in two places at once. Just pay us a visit when you’re ready.” 

Matt snapped his finger and pointed in Renee’s direction, “Smart.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes. “Stay focused. Don’t fuck this up. We want this to be as painless as possible.” 

“He’s probably going to ask to see Riko,” Matt said thoughtfully. 

“Just bring him to the trunk and then push him in,” Andrew replied. 

“Also, smart.” 

Headlights shot over the parking garage and Renee and Andrew both ducked their heads in the backseat in order to stay out of view. Neil didn’t bother moving, they wouldn’t be able to see him anyway. 

“Wish us luck,” Matt said, tucking the ski mask over his face and slapping Seth in the arm. 

“Be careful,” Neil called after them as they left the car and walked out. 

They waited for several painstaking moments until the car parked across from them, the lights going out. Renee motioned for the door on her side, and pushed it open, slipping out into the shadow of the parking garage. 

“Fuck it’s dark,” Neil whispered, he watched how Renee immediately disappeared into the shadows outside of the car. 

“Go stick with Matt,” Andrew instructed, he followed Renee’s lead and slipped out of the car but hesitated at the door to look back at Neil, “Just in case.” 

“You don’t trust him?” Neil asked, a smirk on his face, “He said he was a master at fisting.” 

“Fuck’s sake,” Andrew whispered, exasperated, “Why do I keep you around?” 

“Probably the same reason you haven’t killed anyone in the cluster yet,” Neil teased lightly. 

“Just go, idiot,” Andrew said, but he reached out and pressed a gentle touch to Neil’s cheek that didn’t match the tone of his voice. Neil smiled at him and watched him slip out of the car into the darkness of the parking garage. 

Neil looked back over to Matt and Seth and waited for a single second before he closed his eyes and went straight to their side. Neither of them reacted to Neil’s sudden presence, they’re forms were loose and they exuded ease and restraint. They were in control of the situation, Testuji was sure to feel it the moment he came into contact with them. 

The car that had parked across from them was shadowed in darkness but the sound of a door opening and closing was clear as day. Neil sucked in a breath and held it as he waited for Tetsuji to come into view. 

“You come alone?” Matt asked in a tone that Neil would have never imagined coming from him. It was deep and gravely and sent a bit of a chill down Neil’s spine. For half a second he was back in the white room with his father standing over him. Neil sucked in a deep panicked breath and forced his eyes open, taking in the parking garage and the people around him. 

_Not the time. Not the time._

There was a tugging at the back of his connection that almost felt like he was trying to go back to his own body. Neil fought it as best as he could, keeping himself grounded to the parking garage with Matt and Seth next to him. 

“Yes,” A voice carried through the darkness. Tetsuji stepped out of the shadows and raised his hands to show that he was also unarmed. He was dressed in an expensive suite that he had no business wearing in the middle of a “hostage” situation. 

Neil was so keyed up from the anxiety in his stomach that he immediately started to scan the area around them. He couldn’t see or hear anyone else in the parking garage, so he could only hope that Tetsuji had been telling him the truth. 

“Where is my nephew?” Tetsuji asked, looking between Matt and Seth expectantly. 

“We have him,” Seth replied cryptically. He didn’t sound as dangerous and on edge as Matt but something in his voice was a clear warning not to question him. 

“Can I see him?” 

“Money first,” Matt demanded. He held up his hand and gestured for Tetsuji to come forward. 

A breath passed in silence and then there was the sound of shuffling, a loud grunt, and a body hitting the ground. 

“Fuck,” Tetsuji bit out, looking behind him to see what had happened. Renee was on him almost immediately, she had her arm around his neck and her legs around his waist in half a second. He went down hard from the force and Renee kept him in a chokehold while he struggled to free himself. 

Andrew came out of the shadows, dragging an unconscious man behind him. 

“He brought some backup,” Andrew said dryly. He released his hold on the man’s sweater and his body crumbled to the ground. 

“Not surprised,” Matt said. He reached up and removed his ski mask, Neil watched Seth do the same. 

He walked straight up to Tetsuji who was attempting to elbow back into Renee. Matt let out a sigh and took one hard swing. Tetsuji’s head snapped one way and then fell limply forward. 

“That will knock him out for a while,” Matt said. Renee released him and eased her legs from around his waist before standing up. 

“Look at that!” Seth said joviolly, “No one got shot! Or stabbed!”

“A miracle,” Andrew deadpanned, “We need to tie him up.” 

Seth went back to the car but stopped short when he caught sight of Neil. 

“Hey. You okay, man?” He asked awkwardly. Neil snapped back to the present and looked to Seth with confusion. 

“Yeah,” Neil replied, his voice low, “I’m-” He stopped himself and shook his head, “I’m going to go back. I’m glad it worked out. Be careful on the way back.”

“Wait-” Seth started but Neil was gone before he finished talking. He came back to his body and slumped back into the soft cushions of the couch below him. He turned his head to see that Dan was still sitting at her computer, her eyes scanning the screen. 

“Went well,” Dan said, because she had been watching them through the security cameras, “They should be back in a few hours.” 

She looked over her shoulder to Neil, her face immediately twisted into concern. 

“Are you okay?” Dan asked, looking him over. Neil wasn’t sure what everyone kept seeing on his face but he didn’t like it. He stood from the couch and stumbled slightly before he collected himself. 

“I’m fine,” He lied. 

Dan just watched him with knowing eyes and a slight downturn of her lips. 

“You should get some sleep,” She suggested, watching him carefully, “You’ll feel better in the morning.” 

Neil nodded and left the living room without looking back. He bumped into Aaron in the hallway and mumbled a sorry but didn’t stop for long enough to see how he reacted. He went straight to the empty bedroom and fell into the mattress.

He didn’t know how much time passed. It could have been hours, but to Neil it felt like merely a few minutes. The door opened to the bedroom and he turned onto his side to catch sight of Andrew. 

“You’re here?” Neil asked, confused, “Weren’t you just in New York?” 

Andrew shushed him quietly and went to sit on the side of the bed, his hand automatically going to Neil’s hair. 

“It’s been hours,” Andrew replied, his voice low, “You had a panic attack in the parking garage. You must have fallen asleep.” 

Neil shook his head. “I don’t feel like I slept at all.” 

His eyes began to burn and he closed them before he could do something stupid like cry. 

“I’m not okay,” Neil confessed quietly, “I’m not okay.” 

“I know,” Andrew said, just as quietly. He removed his shoes and pulled his shirt off before getting into bed beside Neil. Andrew’s arm snagged around Neil’s middle and pulled his back flush against his chest.

“Nathan is dead,” Andrew said, “You’re safe now.” 

“We killed him,” Neil whispered, a phrase that he often repeated when Andrew reminded him that Nathan was really gone. 

“Yes, Abram,” Andrew said, unbothered by repeating the same things over and over again, “He’s gone.” 

Neil released a breath of relief and closed his eyes. 

He didn’t think he was ever going to be okay again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and angsty - just the way I like it.
> 
> Next chapter features a final confrontation and some more a n g s t as a treat. 
> 
> There are only three chapters left y’all (well two and an epilogue) I hope you’re ready (I’m not).


	16. You Want a War? II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: violence, guns, threats of violence, PTSD symptoms, dissociation, guns, blood, people get shot this chapter, there is also character death(s). I am making this as clear as I can, this chapter is messed up. If you are worried about the violence check the end notes because I will put exactly what happens there. If you don’t want spoilers don’t read them.

#### New York City, New York - August 22

Andrew could only watch as Neil took two deep breaths, a phone clutched in his hand, his eyes glassy but focused, and his arms shaking like leaves. 

Andrew stayed close to his side because there was nowhere else that he could go right now. Not when Neil looked like he did the day that they had met. A runaway with nothing to lose and the impulse to flee when push came to shove. 

They were standing in Allison’s NYC apartment. It had been ransacked since they were last there. Furniture had been overturned and destroyed, appliances and electronics smashed to pieces in the middle of her living room. Any and all decorations were now in piles on her balcony. Allison had walked in and immediately gone into a fit of rage, the only thing that had stopped her from exploding was Renee taking her by the arm and tugging her out of the room. 

Andrew was far too preoccupied with Neil to think about the implications of the mess. 

It was clear that if they hadn’t left NYC when they did that BPO would have sent in a full army to get them from the apartment. It was only slightly comforting that Andrew had let himself be talked into going to Saratoga Springs, the alternative would have probably ended in one or more deaths. 

Matt and Seth had made quick work of cleaning up the mess in the living room and making space for them to work. Wymack and Andrew had walked Tetsuji and Riko in without restraints, not wanting to bring any attention to themselves if they could help it. The front desk concierge had only given them a curious glance before pointedly looking away. 

Now that they were settled there was only really one thing left to do. 

Tetsuji and Riko were on the ground in front of them, hands cuffed and rope shoved over their mouths so they couldn’t scream for help. Riko looked resigned at the entire affair while Tetsuji sat on his knees with an air of complete defiance. A look that Andrew really wanted to brush off his face.

“Do you think that Ichirou will come for you?” Neil asked, his voice was sharp and held a dangerous edge that made the others take one step back, “If I call him and set up a time to meet, do you think he will give a fuck if you come out of it alive or not?” 

Tetsuji could only glare. Neil’s face split into his father’s grin. Andrew felt the familiar pang of guilt twist around his heart. 

_We did this to him. We broke him._

“I don’t care either way,” Neil said, he lowered himself down in front of Tetsuji so that they were eye to eye, “If you’re lucky and I’m in a good mood, I’ll make it quick.”

“Neil,” Andrew warned. Neil didn’t even flinch at the sound of his name. He simply stood and walked away from their two hostages, his entire body tight like a bow. 

“I’m making the call,” Neil said, “Anyone want to stop me?” 

The cluster remained silent.

Everyone had decided to take the trip down to New York City except for Aaron, Katelyn and Abby. They decided that if this was going to be the end that they would either end it together or go out together. Either way no one was going in alone. Yet it felt like Neil was a one man army. 

Andrew took two steps over to Neil and placed a hand on his shoulder, focusing his attention away from the cluster and onto him. 

“Calm,” He said softly, hoping that it would only really hit Neil’s ears. 

“I am _calm_ ,” Neil replied.

“You’re going to get yourself killed if you go in like this,” Andrew asserted, “Stop.” 

“He’s right, Nathaniel,” Stuart cut in. He had joined them not long after their arrival in New York City. A small army of Hatford men at his back. They were going to be the backup they needed when they got into the BPO headquarters. But according to Kayleigh it wouldn’t be much of a problem. The board was silently supporting their attack on Ichirou. No questions asked. 

“If you want to make the call we can’t stop you,” Stuart continued, “But you need to go into this with a level head.” 

Neil sent his uncle a dark glare. He opened his mouth to retort something but Andrew reached out and gripped the hair on the back of his head tightly. He tugged twice before Neil was turning and giving him his undivided attention. 

“I know,” Andrew said, leaning forward until they were nose to nose, “I want this to end as much as you do but you need to keep a level head.” 

Impossibly it worked. The darkness in Neil’s eyes receded fractionally, but for Andrew it was enough. 

“Make the call,” Andrew said, releasing Neil’s hair and taking a step back, “Don’t walk any closer to the edge or I won’t be able to pull you back.” 

Neil’s expression hardened but he nodded like he understood what Andrew was implying. 

_Don’t go where I can’t follow you._

_Don’t give more of yourself away until there is nothing left._

Andrew accepted the nod for what it was and gave Neil space to make the call. He had Tetsuji’s phone wrapped so tightly around his hand that it was surprising that the screen hadn’t cracked. 

He gave one last look to their cluster before unlocking the phone and tapping away at the screen. Only a few seconds passed before he was putting the phone on speaker and the sound of ringing filled the entire apartment. 

Neil was going to tap into Nathaniel. Andrew could feel it the moment that the ringing stopped and a clear voice came through the line. There was nothing to do but watch it happen, like a car crash or a bolt of lightning hitting the roof of a home. Unstoppable, dangerous, _terrifying._

Andrew saw the exact moment that Neil Josten stopped existing and Nathaniel Wesninski took his place.

“Tetsuji,” The voice said over the phone and Andrew knew immediately that it was Ichriou, “Where have you been?” 

“Sorry to disappoint,” Neil said, his voice so dangerously sharp that Andrew thought he felt himself getting cut, “Tetsuji isn’t available at the moment.” 

“Who is this?” Ichirou bit out. 

“I have your uncle,” Neil replied without really answer Ichirou’s question, “And your brother. I think it’s time we had a conversation face to face.” 

“Don’t tell me this is the Butcher’s boy,” Ichirou said darkly, “I was wondering when you would make an appearance. Your father always said that you were a coward. I guess he was wrong.” 

“I’m nothing,” Neil replied. Andrew’s teeth ground together. “What do you say, Ichirou? Are you ready to end this?” 

“What makes you think I give a shit about them?” Ichirou asked. Riko made a pained noise around his gag but Andrew ignored him, completely focused on the spiraling mess that was standing right in front of him. 

_Danger._

“How will you complete your little experiments without your lead scientist?” Neil asked, sparing Tetsuji one short look before looking away again, “I know you won’t miss your worthless brother, but at least Tetsuji is worth something, right?” 

There was a long pause. Ichirou remained silent until Neil was tired of his lack of response. 

“But this isn’t really about them is it?” Neil asked, his smirk returning, “This is about us. You wanted a war, Ichirou. You and your family came after us unprompted. It isn’t my fault that we decided to take up arms and hit back. It’s been really fun actually, thrilling if you will, but it’s time we put an end to this. Don’t you think?”

The entire room was tense and quiet as they waited for Ichirou to reply. No one dared to breath or say a single word. Andrew didn’t take his eyes off of Neil. Not even if the person standing in his place was someone that Andrew couldn’t recognize.

“Fine,” Ichriou said, “You have two hours. See you soon.” 

The phone line went dead and Neil dropped it to the ground before crushing it under his foot.

“We’re ending this,” Neil said simply, “We should go.” 

He started to walk away and Andrew quickly went to follow him, signalling the others to move away. The rest of the cluster went to business readying themselves to leave. Andrew didn’t have time for anything else but this.

“Neil, what’s happening to you?” Andrew asked, as soon as they were far enough away from the others to have a private conversation. 

Neil stopped beside his duffle bag and started pulling open the zipper and shuffling through his belongings until he found what he had been looking for. Andrew ignored the pang of anxiety when he saw that the bag was filled with the possessions he had brought along with him the day he arrived in South Carolina. A clear sign that he was falling back to his old habits. 

Andrew didn’t reach out. He simply watched with poorly hidden worry while Neil pulled out a handgun from his bag and checked the clip.

“What the fuck, Neil?” Andrew asked. He took one step closer and stopped his hand just an inch away from Neil’s arm. “Have you always had that?” 

Neil looked at him from the corner of his eyes. The blue was as sharp as ice. Andrew felt it in the pits of his stomach. 

“Yes,” Neil replied, “It was my mother’s.” He finished his inspection of the weapon and tucked it into the waistband of his pants. He turned to walk away but Andrew didn’t let him. A hand going up to grip Neil’s forearm and stop him in his tracks. 

“Neil,” Andrew said, it tasted like _please_ , “Talk to me.”

“I want to end this,” Neil replied. 

“I know,” Andrew said quickly, trying to keep Neil’s attention, “We all do but I’m not going to let you go in there like this. You’re starting to look like a rabbit again.” 

“That’s what I am, right?” Neil asked, he finally turned his full attention onto Andrew, “I’m nothing. A runaway.”

Andrew tugged Neil closer, until they were a hair's breadth away. 

“You are Neil Josten,” Andrew assured him, “You are not nothing.” 

Neil didn’t seem to register the words. He took them in and mulled them over but his eyes never changed. The ice was far too cold for Andrew’s liking. 

He had to do something and fast. Andrew wasn’t sure that Neil was going to walk out of this the same. Cold terror gripped his stomach like a vice. 

“Listen to me,” Andrew said softly, lowering his voice and reaching a hand out to press against the back of Neil’s neck, “I know you are using Nathaniel as a way to protect yourself but you can’t keep shutting everything out. You are going to fall apart and I am not trained to try and pick up the pieces. I gave you always and I intend to keep that promise for as long as I live but I didn’t make that promise to Nathaniel.” 

He waited for the words to sink in before he continued. 

“When this is over you will come back to me,” Andrew said, “But you will leave Nathaniel buried in the BPO headquarters with his father. Do you understand?” 

Neil remained silent but he didn’t dare look away. Their eyes remained locked for several seconds, blue and hazel, just as they’ve always been, as they always will be. 

“Do you understand?” Andrew repeated, gentler this time. 

The ice cracked behind Neil’s eyes and he nodded. Andrew let out a sigh of relief and he leaned forward to press his forehead against Neil’s. 

“I love you,” he said, just to be sure that Neil hadn’t forgotten, “Don’t be fucking stupid.” 

“I know,” Neil replied, and it was the most like himself that he had sounded in days, “I promise.” 

Andrew pulled back and met Neil’s determined gaze before dropping his hand from the back of his neck and taking a step away. He didn’t miss how Neil leaned in his direction upon his retreat. 

“We’re ready,” Renee’s soft voice carried from across the room. Andrew looked over to her and saw that the rest of the cluster was already making their way out of the apartment, Tetsuji and Riko held firmly in the middle of them. 

Andrew spared one more glance in Neil’s direction and took in a deep calming breath. Pretending that it didn’t feel like the world was ending. 

“Let’s go.” 

*  
The headquarters were painfully quiet when they arrived. Jean met them in the lobby, a solemn expression on his face. 

“Ichirou is waiting for you,” He said, “Kayleigh as well.” 

Andrew and Neil took up the front while the others followed behind them. They followed Jean down the hallway to a private elevator and shuffled inside. It was just big enough to fit all of them. 

“Once you go in there,” Jean said, “I can’t help you.” 

“We won’t need your help,” Kevin replied for them, Andrew looked over to see that his hands were tightly wound into fists, “Thank you for everything you’ve done for us.” 

Jean gave him a stiff nod and said nothing else. 

The elevator dinged like a death bell when they arrived at the top floor. Jean stepped out and waited for them all to exit before getting back on and leaving. 

It was the same office where they had met Kayleigh the last time they were in the headquarters. Floor to ceiling windows and enough light from the outside world to almost give them the illusion of safety. 

Ichirou was sitting behind his desk. Kayleigh standing to his right. 

Neil brushed passed Andrew and walked straight up to the desk. Matt and Seth followed with Tetsuji and Riko in their hands respectively. 

They shoved them down to their knees in front of the desk and stepped back while Neil took their place behind them. 

Andrew watched because there was nothing else that he could do. 

“It’s true then,” Ichirou said, “You’re the one who killed the Butcher.” 

“ _We_ killed the Butcher,” Neil clarified, “Your father made a mistake underestimating us.” 

“My father was old and dying,” Ichirou said, “I would not have made the same mistake.” 

“It’s too bad you took over so late in the game,” Neil said snidely, “You probably would have put up more of a fight.” 

“What makes you think I don’t have guards waiting for you?” Ichirou asked, he leaned back in his seat with an air of cockiness, “Why do you think this is going to be so easy?” 

“Because your Butcher is dead,” Neil began, “The board wants you gone and the entirety of BPO has decided to defy you. You have no power anymore. No one is going to save you.” 

Neil pulled the gun from his waistband and placed it against the back of Riko’s head. 

“Which one first?” He asked looking at Ichirou before moving the gun from Riko’s head to Tetsuji, “Do you want to choose or should I?” 

“What’s the purpose of this?” Ichirou asked, his mask of indifference was only slightly starting to crack in front of them. 

“You’re going to sign BPO over to Kayleigh Day,” Wymack said, taking a step forward and placing himself at Neil’s side. Andrew let out a breath of relief when Wymack reached out and lowered Neil’s gun until it was pointing at the ground. 

“Why should I do that?” Ichirou asked. He finally leaned forward and pressed his elbows into the top of his desk.

“Listen, _asshole_ ,” Neil spat out, “You don’t have a fucking _choice_ anymore. We’ve already won.” 

Kayleigh moved from beside the desk and walked to a counter by the side of the room. Andrew watched her pull out a stack of papers from the top drawer and bring them over to Ichirou. She lowered them down to the desk and pulled a pen out of his pen holder and placed it on top of the papers. 

“It’s all there,” Kayleigh said, “You just have to sign the dotted line.” 

Ichirou’s expression was dark and he didn’t move for several seconds. Andrew realized that something was about to happen and he didn’t know if he was quick enough to stop it. 

As soon as Ichirou’s hands disappeared under the desk, Andrew was moving. He pushed Wymack back and grabbed Neil by the arm and ducked just in time for Ichirou to raise the gun and fire at them. The bullet zipped past Andrew’s head and Allison let out a loud yell of pain. 

Andrew didn’t have time to see if she had been hit. Ichirou turned the gun onto Kayleigh who looked on in horror. 

Kevin was already stepping in front of his mother. The bullet digging straight into his stomach. 

Andrew felt the hit as if he had been the one that was shot. The pain seared through his side and he watched as Kevin slumped back into Kayleigh’s arms and then crumbled to the ground. 

Neil let out a sound that was barely human. Andrew tried to hold him back but it wasn’t enough. His side was exploding from pain, the same pain from when he had been shot in Germany. His leg ached as if he had been shot there as well. He spared one glance behind him to see that Allison was on the ground, Renee beside her with her hands covering the fresh wound on her thigh.

Andrew turned back to watch Neil raise the gun and shoot Riko in the back of the head. The blood sprayed across the desk and over Ichirou. Andrew flinched away from the warm spray of blood that hit his face. 

There was too much happening at once. Andrew watched as Neil used Ichirou’s split second of shock and hesitation to reach forward and tug on Ichirou’s tie, slamming his chin against the hard desk. 

“Sign it,” Neil growled out, pressing the gun to the side of Ichirou’s head, “Now.” 

Andrew didn’t look back to see if Ichirou had signed the paper. He went straight to Kevin’s side where Kayleigh was holding him and sobbing. Kevin was still awake and alert, his eyes wide and hand pressed over the bleeding wound on his stomach. 

“Holy _fuck_ ,” Kevin spit out, his voice uneven and his hands shaking, “He shot me.”

“Clearly,” Andrew replied, trying to have some lightness to his voice, but it wasn’t working, he was just as shaken as Kevin. He could barely keep his grip when he reached out and moved Kevin’s hand away to assess the damage. 

“We need Abby,” Andrew said, “Or fucking someone.” 

“I can call someone up,” Kayleigh said through the tears in her eyes, “Hold on.” 

“Wymack,” Andrew said, looking up to see that he was standing over them, his eyes wide as he looked at his bleeding son, “David.” 

Wymack came back to himself at the sound of his name. He looked to Andrew expectantly. 

“Take my place,” He instructed. Wymack nodded and Andrew stood so that he could crouch beside Kevin, pressing his hands to the wound and applying pressure. 

“It’s okay, son,” Wymack said in a voice that was far too gentle to come from the usually gruff man, “It’s going to be okay.” 

Andrew stood and whipped the blood from his hands to his jeans. He looked over in time to see that Ichirou was signing the paperwork in front of him. 

Neil had one hand on a gun that was pressed to the side of his head and his other hand was wrapped around the tie on his neck. 

Andrew walked to the desk and picked up Ichirou’s discarded gun. It was a small pocket pistol that couldn’t have more than 10 bullets in the clip. Andrew was amazed that Neil had stopped him from firing more than two shots. 

He took the gun and emptied the bullets, dropping them down to the floor so that it was useless. Ichirou didn’t even look up at him. 

Ichirou signed the last line and dropped the pen. Andrew reached out and grabbed the paperwork before it could be covered in even more blood. 

“You didn’t even have enough bullets for all of us,” Neil said, noticing the discarded bullets from Ichirou’s gun, “What were you trying to accomplish?” 

“I was going to take out as many of you as I could before you killed me,” Ichirou choked out, his tie constricting his breathing. Neil gave it another harsh tug and Ichirou gasped. 

“Too bad,” Neil said, “None of _us_ are going to die today.” 

Ichirou bit out a dark laugh. A sound that was far too evil and manipulative to be anything but damaging to Neil’s already frayed psyche.

Andrew tried to stop him but it was too late. 

“You really are just like your father,” Ichirou said darkly, a bloody smile spreading across his face, “You can change your name and you can hide with your cluster. But you will always be a Wesninski.” 

Neil’s eyes darkened back to the same ice from the apartment.

Andrew didn’t know how he was going to pull him back from this. 

“I know,” Neil said, he leaned forward so he could speak directly in Ichirou’s ear, “My father was a monster and _I_ am a monster.” 

He leaned back and pulled the trigger. 

Andrew was moving before he could stop himself. He stepped around the desk and around Tetsuji who was shaking violently on the floor, he stepped around the pools of blood and tried to narrowly avoid the discarded bullets that he had dumped to the floor. He went straight to Neil and waited for him to react to what had just happened. 

Neil took one cursory glance around the room. Allison had Renee, Dan, and Seth at her side. Seth’s shirt was removed and ripped in order to put pressure on the wound. Allison was crying, but Andrew saw the edge of anger in her expression. 

Stuart stood behind them, a walkie-talkie held to his ear and he was whispering something into the speakerphone. Andrew looked away and checked on Kevin. 

Kayleigh was a shaking mess and Wymack had both hands pressed into the bloody wound over his stomach. Kevin’s eyelashes were fluttering but he was forcing himself to stay awake. Matt was hovering beside him, a hand on Kayleigh’s walkie-talkie as he talked into it the same as Stuart. 

Andrew looked back to Neil and saw the never ending pit of darkness that had taken root in his eyes. He reached out and pressed a hand to Neil’s arm but was met with only a violent flinch. Andrew drew back immediately. 

_Fuck._

Neil brushed away from him and went straight to Tetsuji. He raised the gun once again and pressed it to the back of his head. 

“Don’t,” Andrew said firmly, coming up to stand behind Neil and wrapping his hand around the gun as he did once before when Neil shot his father. 

“Listen to me,” Andrew said softly, pressing his lips to Neil’s ear, “You don’t have to do this. It’s over. Give me the gun.” 

Neil’s fingers twitched under his own and Andrew let out a strangled breath when he released his hold on the gun completely. It was enough for Andrew to slip the weapon from his hand. He flipped the safety and placed it onto the desk in front of them. 

“Okay,” Andrew whispered, his voice was uneven and he was feeling more than he had in a very long time, “Good.” 

Neil slumped back against him and Andrew took the entirety of his weight. 

“Kevin,” Neil whispered out, his voice cracked around the edges. 

“He’s okay,” Andrew assured him, “Wymack and Kayleigh have him.” 

“Allison?” 

“She’s okay, too. Renee has her.” 

Neil nodded and slumped to the ground. Andrew pulled him back until they were a safe distance from the bloody mess that laid in front of them. 

The elevator dinged behind them and Andrew looked over his shoulder to see two medics come rushing into the office. One stopped by Allison but she waved him off to go to Kevin instead. 

Andrew sank to the ground behind Neil and wrapped both arms around his waist, pulling him flush against his chest. Neil went limp against him and Andrew pressed his face into the crook of Neil’s neck and tried to calm himself down. 

The medics immediately went to Kevin and Wymack and Kayleigh stepped away, helpless to do nothing but watch. 

“I’m sorry,” Neil whispered, so quiet that Andrew almost missed it. Andrew leaned forward so that he could hear him better. 

“Don’t apologize,” Andrew whispered back, just as quietly. 

Renee stood from across the room and started towards them but Andrew shook his head. She nodded and stayed back, helping Allison stand up on her injured leg. 

“You told me not to go too close to the edge,” Neil whispered, his voice lack of any real inflection, “I think I jumped.” 

Andrew let out a breath that sounded far too close to a sob. He buried it in Neil’s shoulder and tried to settle himself. 

There was a buzzing in the back of their connection. Belatedly, Andrew realized that they were all crying as one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In regards to chapter warnings: Kevin and Allison both get shot but it is not life threatening. Riko and Ichirou both get shot in the head. It’s a bit graphic.
> 
> Wow can you believe it’s finally over???? I feel like this chapter was super short and maybe a bit unimpressive. I hope I did this justice and I hope it was enjoyable.
> 
> As always I did barely any editing because I'm the worst.
> 
> Next chapter will feature a lot of healing on several different levels. It will also be the last before the epilogue.


	17. What is Human?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Mentions of past abuse/violence, mentions of torture, aftermath of torture, dissassociation, PTSD symptoms, mental health issues, vomit

#### New York City, NY - August 30

Kayleigh Day stood in the freshly remodeled top floor office of BPO with the Chairman of the Board sitting at the desk in front of her. 

“It seems that we’ve made quite a mess of things,” Boardman Decard said. He was an older man with cold gray eyes and a permanent frown on his face, “Do you really think you can recover what we’ve lost?” 

Kayleigh looked down at her desk where the official paperwork sat, a small spattering of blood across the lettering. 

“I think we can,” Kayleigh said firmly, she looked back up to Decard and gave him a reassuring smile, “BPO can now finally be the organization that it was created to be. A research organization designed to help aid in safely protecting and guiding sensates.” 

Decard let out a deep sigh and leaned back in his chair. He sat above the exact spot where Riko Moriyama had been shot and murdered in the office. Kayleigh pretended not to see the imaginary bloodstain beneath his chair. 

“I hope you are able to redeem this organization, Kayleigh,” Decard said, “One scent of something sinister and I will have you removed immediately.” 

Kayleigh considered how he had manipulated the deaths of both Kengo and Ichirou and knew that he would make good on that threat. 

“I understand,” She said with confidence, “You will see what this organization was supposed to be. What I wanted it to be.” 

Decard nodded and stood from his chair. He reached out and gave Kayleigh a firm handshake before turning to leave.

“I have half the mind to burn this building down and find a new headquarters,” Decard said as he pressed the call button on the elevator, “Are you sure you can stand to work in _this_ office.” 

Once again Kayleigh pretended she wasn’t standing where Ichirou had taken his last breath. 

“I’m sure,” Kayleigh replied, she forced a smile onto her face before saying, “Thank you, Chairman.” 

Decard nodded and stepped into the elevator doors as soon as they opened. 

Kayleigh let out a long breath before she sank into the chair behind her. 

She had a lot of work to do. 

*

#### Saratoga Springs, New York - August 30

Nathaniel sat on the back porch and watched as Seth and Matt threw a football back and forth across the lawn. He didn’t feel much of anything really, not since he had stepped back into New York City and confronted his father. If he could feel something again, he thought maybe he would feel relief that it was finally over. 

BPO was now under Kayleigh Day’s control. Wymack and Abby had gone to New York City to stay with Kevin while he recovered from the gunshot wound. They had stayed past his release from the hospital to help Kayleigh while she attempted to navigate the changes within BPO. They were going to have to sort out the remaining few with loyalties to the Moriyamas, but it seemed that those people were far and few in between. 

Tetsuji was currently being held in a high security facility in the city. They were putting the blame on him for the murders of Riko and Ichirou, claiming that he had been jealous that Ichirou took over the reigns of the organization when it should have been him. No one really questioned the accusation. The security footage from the office was conveniently missing and the police were paid off just enough to say that they had definitive proof. 

Nathaniel didn’t know if there would be a trail but it didn’t matter to their cluster anyway. Kayleigh claimed to be the only witness. Any evidence that they had been there had been either washed away or ignored by the investigators that they had paid off. 

In the end, everything had come together with a neat bow on top. 

Kevin came back to Saratoga Springs just the day before. He didn’t mention the wound but Nathaniel could see how he favored his left side and how he winced whenever he went to sit down. 

It was the most selfless thing that Kevin had ever done. Nathaniel also thought that it was the stupidest thing that Kevin had ever done. Risking his own life for a woman that had done nothing but hurt him. Nathaniel pushed away the haunting image of Mary in his mind and pretended that he wasn’t projecting. 

Allison’s wound went clean through. It was a proper bullet wound and she kept joking about how she was a badass now. Renee had only pat her head and said, _of course, honey_.

Everything was going back to some semblance of normalcy. Aaron and Kailtyn were set to leave in the morning for Chicago, Kevin, Allison, Seth, and Renee wanted to go to New York City and help with BPO’s resurgence, and Dan and Matt wanted to go back to South Carolina and forge their own future together. 

Nathaniel just wanted to feel something again. 

Kayleigh had told them to use the Saratoga House for as long as they needed. They had agreed on staying for at least a week to recover before going their separate ways. Nathaniel didn’t know how he felt about having them split apart. The last few months had worn them all down and torn them up in more ways than one.

Of course, he knew that they were never really disconnected. He fully expected to get a whole two hours of separation before one or more members of his cluster came back for a visit. They were far too attached to each other, a feeling that Nathaniel wanted to reciprocate more than anything. 

He remembered what it felt like to love them. To be loved by them. Now the feeling was just a distant memory. The cluster had tried to push their love through their connection and into him, but he had quickly used Andrew’s light switch method and turned them all off. He couldn’t feel them, and it was easier that way. He wondered if they would let him get away with sneaking away some inhibitors. It seemed unlikely, Andrew was constantly watching him like a hawk and he would jump to the conclusion that Nathaniel was going to run again.

He felt like it, _god_ he wanted nothing more than to pack his duffle bag, steal the inhibitors, and never look back. 

The only thing stopping him was that he _remembered_ what it felt like to have them love him. He just wanted to feel it again. 

The door opened behind him and Nathaniel didn’t have to look to know that it was Andrew. The deck creaked underneath them as Andrew sat down beside him on the backstep. 

He lit a cigarette and didn’t offer one to Nathaniel as he usually did. 

“I’m dropping Aaron and Katelyn off tomorrow morning,” Andrew said nonchalantly, “The others will be here.” 

It was a silent offer, but Nathaniel heard it all the same. 

“I’ll stay,” He replied dryly. 

Andrew nodded and leaned back on one of his hands. Nathaniel turned to look at him, trying to map out the face that he had grown more accustomed to than his own. 

Andrew’s skin had freckled in the summer sun. They looked like the same freckles of gold that were buried in his eyes. Nathaniel wanted to reach out and map the unfamiliar marks until he had them memorized. He kept his hands firmly wrapped around his knees and to himself. 

“Staring,” Andrew commented, he turned to look at Nathaniel with the same boredom that he had given him on the roof of Nicky’s house in Germany the same day they met. Nathaniel let himself drown in it. 

“Sorry,” He mumbled, looking away and back to the yard. Matt and Seth were now play-fighting for the ball and Allison was yelling something at them about playing dirty. 

“Don’t be,” Andrew said quietly. 

Nathaniel snapped his head to look at Andrew and was unsurprised to see barely any emotion on Andrew’s face at the admission. He wasn’t even looking at Nathaniel anymore, his eyes fixated on the scene in the yard in front of them. 

Andrew had asked him to stay. Had told him to stop running. Had given him always. Had told him to leave Nathaniel buried in the city.

Nathaniel sucked in a breath and stood from the porch and went inside without looking back. 

It was no use. Nathaniel would just burn them all alive if he stayed. He didn’t think they deserved that. 

*

#### Saratoga Springs - August 31

Andrew left to drop off Aaron and Katelyn at the airport in Albany while Nathaniel was still sleeping. He woke up to an empty bed and a headache that was currently splitting his skull in two. 

Nathaniel stood from the bed and tried to steady himself on his jell-o legs. He hadn’t bothered to give Aaron and Katelyn a goodbye before they left, even after everything that they had done for him. 

_Worthless. You’re worthless, Nathaniel._

He pushed his father’s voice from his head and rushed to the bathroom across the hall. He found himself leaning over the toilet and puking the entirety of his almost empty stomach out into the porcelain. He stood back up and hung his head low. Avoiding his own reflection in the mirror. 

_You will always be a Wesninski._

Nathaniel turned on the faucet and cupped the water in his hands rinsing out his mouth before taking more and splashing his face. 

Everything hurt. Everything felt like it was burning him from the inside out. He made the mistake of looking up at the mirror and catching sight of his father’s eyes. The face that greeted him was not his own. 

Instead all he could see was Nathan. All he could see was his father leaning over him, a knife in one hand, a paddle in the other. Nathaniel reached out and punched the glass before he could stop himself. His hand _burned_. The glass shattered and filled the sink and scattered across the floor. 

Nathaniel sucked in a few breaths, as many as he could manage. He heard voices coming down the hallway, he tried his best to push back on the connection with his cluster, to force them to _stay away._

“Neil?” He heard Dan calling from the other side of the door, “Neil are you okay? What did you do?” 

Nathaniel looked down to his bloody hand and the mess of glass. He sucked in a deep breath and turned, pushing the door open and forcing Dan out of the way. 

“Oh my god,” She said, as she stepped back before Nathaniel could plow into her, “Neil what’s happening? Are you okay?” 

“Don’t call me that,” He bit out. He avoided meeting her eyes before rushing down the hallway and out the back door. 

There were voices carrying from the lake just beyond the house, innocent laughter and happy yells. Nathaniel could only hear the sound of a gun going off over and over and his father saying, _you’re a disappointment, Junior._

He made it all of two feet down the trail in the backyard, ignoring the fact that his hand was bloody and he was still wearing the clothes he slept in, when he saw a flash of white and blonde in front of him. 

It was gone in the blink of an eye but Nathaniel could swear that he had seen Mary. 

He moved without thinking too much about it. 

Nathaniel’s feet carried him down the trail, ignoring the looks of complete shock from anyone that passed him by. He continued to catch glimpses of Mary, a flash of yellow blonde in between the trees, a vision of a white dress just out of his periphery. 

He didn’t know where he was going, but he was following the ghost of his mother as if his life depended on it. 

The woods just outside the lake were dense and full of tall never ending trees. The branches and leaves above him curved and met in a canopy and the light could only make it through the broken spots in between. 

Nathaniel stopped moving because his legs were burning and his head threatened to crack open and pour out onto the hard earth below him. He closed his eyes and tried to take in deep breaths. 

“What am I supposed to do?” He whispered to no one, “What do you want me to do?” 

“Abram.” 

Nathaniel spun around and came face to face with his mother. She looked him over from head to toe, her eyes lingering on his bloodied hand before going back up to meet his eyes head on. 

Mary had often avoided his eyes when they weren’t hidden by contacts. She didn’t like to see any part of his father in him. 

Part of him wanted to pretend that this was a hallucination. That his mother wasn’t really here, that his mother wasn’t still partially alive in every single member of his cluster. 

_“Even if your cluster mother is dead, a part of her remains in all of you. Dan still sees her from time to time.”_

Wymack had said it didn’t he? A part of Mary was inside of him, inside of their cluster. He watched her with wide watery eyes and let himself remember the way she looked before he lost her. 

She was wearing the same outfit she had been wearing the day they ran away. He remembered her sweating and panting in the passenger seat as she gave birth to their cluster. He remembered feeling the buzz in the back of his head. He felt it now but tenfold. 

“Mom,” He choked out, because he didn’t know what else to say. 

_I’m sorry I failed you. I’m sorry I stopped running. I’m sorry I almost died. I’m sorry I became just like my father._

Mary’s face softened considerably, a look that Nathaniel had not seen on her in so long that he forgot it was even possible. 

“Abram,” She said again, softly, she stepped forward and took his face into her hands, rubbing her thumbs against his cheek bones, “I’m so sorry, baby.” 

Nathaniel let out a choked noise and leaned into her touch. It felt feather light, like the touches from the cluster did when they weren’t physically together. He relished in it for as long as he was allowed to have this. 

“Listen to me, Abram,” Mary said, pushing his face up so that he was forced to look her in the eye, “I’m so sorry for everything. This should have never happened to you.” 

Nathaniel couldn’t find the words to reply to her. He shook his head and hoped it conveyed that he never blamed her. He might have resented her for everything she did to him on the run, but he could never hate her. Not really. 

“I should have fought harder for you,” She said, “All of this is really my fault.” 

“No,” Nathaniel choked out, “It isn’t.” 

“If it isn’t mine then it isn’t yours either, baby,” Mary said gently, “Stop punishing yourself.” 

“I’m just like him,” Nathaniel confessed, “I’m just like Nathan. I killed people. I-”

Mary shushed him and shook her head. 

“Don’t say that,” She said darkly, “Did you enjoy it?” 

Nathaniel shook his head. He hadn’t. Sometimes when he closed his eyes he saw Ichirou’s blood spattering across the windows behind him. It haunted him. It was going to haunt him forever.

“Then you are nothing like him, Abram,” Mary assured him, “You could never be like him.” 

Nathaniel lowered his eyes and pressed forward until his face was tucked into the crook of his mother’s neck. He missed it. He missed her so much. 

“I’m sorry I let you down,” Nathaniel confessed, it was easier to tell her everything when he didn’t have to look at her, “I’m so sorry that I stopped running.”

“It’s okay,” Mary said, “You’re safe now, aren’t you? So it’s okay. I’m proud of you.” 

Nathaniel bit his lip and willed his tears to stop from falling. Mary ran a hand through his hair and the touch was so featherlight that it barely registered in his broken mind. 

“I love you,” She said, “You survived. You’re going to be okay. Now is the time for you to forgive yourself.” 

Nathaniel opened his eyes to find that he was alone again. He reached out to the back of his head and ran his fingers through the soft hair, as if he could still feel the ghost of her fingers pressed against his scalp. 

He turned around and found that Dan and Renee were staring at him with wide eyes.

Nathaniel didn’t have to ask to know that they had seen Mary just as he did. 

“Help me,” Neil whispered, his voice hoarse and broken.

Dan moved immediately, running forward and pulling Neil into a warm embrace. Her hands carding through his hair as his mother’s had. He closed his eyes and let their connection flare back to life once again. 

He wouldn’t push them away anymore. They were his family. He was theirs. He was never letting them go. 

*

As soon as Neil felt Andrew close by he jumped from the couch and went straight to the front door to wait for him. Dan let out an amused snort as she watched him bounce by the front door. 

“You’re like a puppy,” Allison commented from her spot on the sofa, her leg elevated to help with healing. 

Neil flipped her off and watched as Andrew pulled into the driveway. Kayleigh had given them a car to borrow while they stayed in Saratoga Springs, it made it easier for them to come and go as they pleased. 

Neil watched Andrew park the car and open the driver’s side door. After a moment of just watching Neil decided he didn’t feel like waiting any longer. He threw the front door open and skipped down the front two steps.

Andrew looked up just in time before Neil barrelled straight into him. 

“Jesus,” Andrew nearly yelped right as Neil tackled him back against the door of the car. 

Neil wrapped his arms around Andrew’s neck and buried his face into Andrew’s pale blonde hair.

He had missed this. More than anything. 

Andrew was slow to react, probably completely confused and surprised by the sudden burst of affection, but once he caught on, he raised his arms and wrapped them around Neil’s waist and pulled him in. They were flush from head to toe, their fronts plastered together. 

“I’m sorry,” Neil whispered into the side of Andrew’s head, “I’m back now. I promise.” 

Andrew tightened his hold and buried his face in Neil’s shoulder. Neil could feel Andrew’s heart beat against his chest. He let out a breath that he felt like he might have been holding for weeks now.

 _Home._ It felt like coming home.

“I love you,” Neil whispered, “Fuck, I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Andrew said softly, he ran his hand up and down Neil’s back and Neil couldn’t suppress the shiver that he let out at the sensation. It felt like he had never been touched before, so many days without letting any member of the cluster get close. 

“Don’t apologize,” Andrew’s voice rumbled and reverberated against Neil’s chest and his stomach clenched and he tried not to start crying all over again.

“I’m going to be okay,” Neil promised, “I just needed some time.” 

“You’ll need more,” Andrew said, “I’m never going to hold it against you.” 

He pulled back just enough so that they were face to face. Neil brushed their noses together and then stole one kiss off of him, and then another. Andrew’s hands slipped under the hem of Neil’s shirt and ran up his bare back. Neil gasped into Andrew’s mouth and tried not to let himself come undone at such a simple touch. 

Neil moved his arms from around Andrew’s neck and ran his fingers over his shoulders. Andrew stiffened and immediately pulled back, taking the bandaged hand into his own and looking it over. 

“What the fuck happened?” Andrew asked, his expression hard. 

“I broke the bathroom mirror,” Neil replied, gently, hoping that Andrew wouldn’t judge him for it, “I lost it.” 

Andrew only nodded and raised Neil’s hand to his lips so he could brush the barest kiss across his knuckles. 

“I’m going to try and get better,” Neil promised.

“It’s not going to be easy,” Andrew said, “But you’re not alone.” 

Neil smiled for the first time since their birthday. 

“I’m never alone. Not really.” 

Andrew leaned forward and kissed his fears away.

*

#### Saratoga Springs - September 2

Neil was sitting on the counter in the kitchen, Andrew tucked between his legs with his hands on Neil’s hips, his thumb running up and down the line of his hip bone. One of Neil’s hands was tangled in Andrew’s soft hair, the other nestled underneath Andrew’s jaw. 

Making out in the middle in the kitchen, in the middle of the day, with the entire cluster just a few rooms away was probably risky business, but they were practically inseparable since the events that had transpired just a few days before. Neil assumed that this was what it felt like to be a teenager having their first romance. If they weren’t making out or falling into bed together, then they were holding hands or sitting close enough that their legs pressed firmly together. 

Neil had never been touched like this before Andrew. Gentle but firm, intimate and sure hands that pressed against his skin and left him feeling like a pot of molten lava. 

Andrew tugged Neil forward on the counter and Neil wrapped his legs more firmly around Andrew’s middle.

 _Fuck_ he could get used to this.

“Ah, gross.” 

Andrew pulled their lips apart and turned in the circle of Neil’s legs to see Kevin standing in the doorway of the kitchen, one hand over his eyes and a hand raised as if to wave a white flag. 

Neil didn’t let Andrew out of his grasp, he leaned forward and tucked himself against Andrew’s back and watched Kevin with amusement. 

“Kevin,” Andrew acknowledged. He leaned back into Neil’s embrace and Neil tried to hide his giddy smirk by pressing it into Andrew’s shoulder. 

“Are you done?” Kevin asked, never removing the hand from his eyes, “I want to get something to drink.” 

“It’s a free country,” Andrew replied, “Just pretend we aren’t here.” 

Kevin finally removed his hand and looked at them with poorly veiled annoyance before stepping into the kitchen and going straight to the fridge. 

“You two need to stop making out all over the house like a pair of rabid bunnies,” Kevin said, “Some of us don’t want to see it.” 

“I’m sorry you’ve never made out with someone, Kev,” Neil said, leaning forward and placing his chin on Andrew’s shoulder, “I bet it’s been really hard for you.” 

Kevin sent him a glare and grabbed a bottle of coconut water from the fridge. Neil laughed at his petulant expression. 

“I hate you both,” Kevin said, he leaned back against the island counter and crossed his arms. He gave them a meaningful look and then let out a sigh. “We’re leaving for New York City tomorrow.” 

Neil raised his eyebrows in surprise. “So soon?” 

“Yeah,” Kevin said gently, “Wymack said they need all the help they can get down there and Renee is more than willing to help so she offered to go down early. I said I would go with her.” 

“And where Renee goes, Allison goes,” Neil commented. He removed his arms from around Andrew and leaned back against the cabinet behind his head. 

“And where Allison goes, Seth goes,” Kevin continued for him, “So we’re leaving tomorrow. Jean is going to come pick us up.” 

“What about Dan and Matt?” Neil asked. 

Kevin gave him a half hearted shrug, “They’ve been wanting to go back to South Carolina for a while. I’m sure they’ll leave when they have the chance.” 

Neil tried not to let the thought of them all separating make him panic. He was going to miss them, even if they were still connected and never really far apart, he would miss them with his entire being. 

“You can come with us,” Kevin offered, but from the look on his face he knew it was a reach. 

“No thanks,” Andrew replied, “I’m not stepping foot inside of another BPO facility for as long as I can help it.” 

He moved away from Neil’s legs and grabbed his discarded pack of cigarettes off the counter. 

“I’m going out back,” He said, before turning away to the back door and disappearing into the yard. 

“You okay?” Kevin asked, looking Neil over.

Neil was no longer surprised by Kevin’s inherent humanity.

“Yeah,” Neil replied, “I’ll be alright.” 

Kevin didn’t look convinced. He drank some of his coconut water before placing the bottle back down and standing straight. 

“My mom introduced me to someone in New York. She’s a counselor. I think it would be good if you talked to her,” Kevin said shortly, “She’s a sensate. So you don’t have to hide all of the gory details.” 

Neil chewed on his lower lip for a moment and considered what he wanted to say to that. He had never trusted therapists or doctors before, not when he was on the run and he had a hundred secrets to keep and scars to keep hidden. They were never there to help him, they were there to make his life more difficult.

He didn’t have any secrets anymore. He didn’t have to keep himself hidden and push the pain away until it left him on the brink of an explosion. 

“We’re not going to New York,” Neil said, which wasn’t really a no.

“You can skype with her,” Kevin replied, which was a solution, “I’m not going to force you. It’s just a suggestion.” 

Neil thought about promising Andrew that he would get better. He thought about his mother telling him to forgive himself. 

“Fine,” He said, “Give me her number.” 

Kevin looked surprised for all of two seconds before he tamped the reaction down and instead gave Neil the warmest look he had ever dared give him. 

“Good,” Kevin said. He reached into his pocket and pulled his phone out and then held a hand out for Neil to give him his own.

“I don’t have a phone remember,” Neil said. Kevin rolled his eyes and gestured for Neil to go out the back door, most likely to get Andrew’s. Neil gave him an exasperated sigh before following his instructions. 

He went to the door and pushed it open. Andrew was sitting in one of the chairs, his phone in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

“Can I borrow your phone?” Neil asked, he walked out the door and went to Andrew’s side. 

Andrew gave him a curious look but handed the phone over anyway. 

“What are you doing?” Andrew asked, slightly confused. 

“Getting help,” Neil replied.

He walked back into the house and handed Andrew’s phone off to Kevin, who immediately started to put the new contact in.

“There,” Kevin said, handing back the phone and looking rather smug about it all. Neil ignored him and took the phone, looking over the new contact. 

“Bee?” He asked, confused, “Is that really their name?” 

“Yup,” Kevin said, “She’s nice. Friends with Abby. Don’t worry. She won’t tell her anything.” 

Neil nodded and looked at the contact one more time before locking the phone and tucking it away to give back to Andrew later. 

“Thanks,” Neil said, surprising himself and Kevin. 

Kevin took it in stride, he smiled and said, “I should be the one thanking you.” 

“Don’t you dare,” Neil said, giving him a pointed look, “If you start to get soft on me I will leave and never talk to you again.” 

Kevin actually laughed at that and then covered his mouth with his hand. They stood in companionable quiet for a moment and Neil appreciated that Kevin no longer saw him as a threat. When they had first met Kevin would nearly panic at the sight of Neil being in the same room as him.

“What are you two going to do?” Kevin asked, nodding towards the back door. 

Neil shrugged. 

“Throw a dart at a map and figure it out from there,” Neil replied. 

Kevin smiled and shook his head. “I would expect nothing less.” He shuffled awkwardly before saying, “I should go start packing. Uh, I guess let me know if you end up calling Betsy. She’s great, really. I promise.” 

He gave Neil one last nod before taking his bottle of water and leaving the room. Neil watched him go before heading straight out to the back deck.

Andrew was nursing a second cigarette and didn’t bother to look up when Neil shuffled over and sat down beside him. 

“Thanks,” Neil said, holding Andrew’s phone out. Andrew took it and placed it on the arm of the chair next to his ash tray. 

“We need to buy you a phone,” he finally said, “You can’t keep stealing mine. Why did you need it anyway?” 

Neil chewed on his bottom lip before saying, “Kevin gave me a number for a sensate therapist.” 

Andrew looked startled at the admission but immediately schooled his expression. 

“You going to call them?” 

Neil leaned back in his chair and looked up to the bright blue sky over them. The sounds from the lake were loud enough for them to carry over to their house. 

“Yeah,” Neil finally said, “I think I will.” 

“Sounds like a big step for someone whose first instinct is to run,” Andrew replied. 

Neil looked down at him but Andrew was looking away. For a moment Neil let himself admire the slight curve of his nose and the edge of his chin. Neil reached out without thinking too much about it. Letting Andrew have clear warning of his incoming touch through their connection. Andrew didn’t even move an inch. 

Neil traces a lazy line down the edge of Andrew’s jaw with one finger before tucking a stray blonde hair behind his ear. 

“I don’t want to run anymore,” Neil said, “You’re stuck with me.” 

Andrew finally turned to look at him. To anyone else he would have looked apathetic, maybe a bit annoyed, but to Neil he could feel the underlying emotion rolling off of him. Just for Neil. 

“Great,” Andrew replied, “I’m going to go gray.” 

Neil laughed and didn’t comment when Andrew switched his cigarette to his other hand and took Neil’s into his own. 

Their fingers curled together and Neil couldn’t stop himself from smiling. 

*

#### Saratoga Springs - September 5

Neil and Andrew woke up early to drop Dan and Matt off at the Albany airport. The entire ride Neil kept thinking about what would come next. Renee, Allison, Kevin, and Seth had left a few days prior and now Dan and Matt we’re heading back to South Carolina. 

Neil had felt their absence even before they had left. Everyone was gone now. It was just Neil and Andrew left in the house. Neil thought he would be lonely without the entire cluster right there, but he immediately fell into an easy calm with Andrew at his side. 

Neither of them were particularly settled individuals. Before Neil came along, Andrew hadn’t stayed in one place for more than two months. Before the cluster Neil had been much the same. So it was startling when Neil considered that he didn’t want to leave. He liked having a place to stay, a place where he could exist. 

Which is what led him to hiding off in his bedroom with the phone Andrew had bought him yesterday, searching for plane tickets. He found what he was looking for and jumped off the bed and went straight out into the living room. 

Andrew watched him bounce around with a raised eyebrow but didn’t say anything. 

“So,” Neil said, from where he stood in the doorway, “I think you owe me something.” 

“I just bought you a phone,” Andrew said, “Are you that needy?” 

Neil smirked and opened his phone, holding it out for Andrew to see. 

Andrew looked it over and then let out a long sigh. 

“You’re serious?” 

“You promised.” 

“I never promised you a trip to Germany.” 

Neil walked forward and climbed on Andrew’s lap. Andrew let out an annoyed scoff but didn’t push him away. 

“It’s just us now,” Neil said, “Well, physically.” 

Andrew rolled his eyes and gestured for Neil to continue.

“I don’t want to run anymore. I want to stay in one place for a while. I liked Berlin when I was there with my mom and I know you’re comfortable there. It’s the only place you’ve been to more than once.”

Neil searched Andrew’s face for any sign of resistance but he found none so he continued. 

“We can go to Berlin for a while. Visit Nicky in Stuttgart. Eat Bratwurst and live in a small apartment. It doesn’t have to be forever but I think it would be nice for now.” 

Andrew mulled it over, his eyes darkened as he thought about it. Neil didn’t dare look away or move while Andrew considered his words. 

Neil saw the moment he had won. Andrew let out a deep sigh and placed his hands in Neil’s waist, pulling him closer. 

“Fine,” he said against Neil’s lips before kissing him. 

Neil smiled into the kiss and Andrew gave him a gentle swat on the thigh in retaliation. 

“Don’t think this means anything,” Andrew said, “I'm not giving in to your whims. I just don’t _hate_ Berlin.” 

“Mhm,” Neil hummed against Andrew’s lips, “It’s definitely not because you love me or anything.” 

“Shut up,” Andrew bit out without any real heat before kissing Neil like his life depended on it. 

Neil lifted his hands and cupped Andrew’s jaw, pulling back just enough to brush his nose against Andrew’s. 

“I’m so glad you found me,” he said softly, against Andrew’s lips. Andrew didn’t reply but the look in his eyes told Neil everything he needed to know. 

Andrew kissed him again before he could say anything else. 

Neil was finally home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's so short. Hope you enjoyed!! 
> 
> Next chapter is the epilogue!


	18. Epilogue

#### Paris, France - July 2  
  
One year later

Andrew adjusted Neil’s tie for the 100th time since they arrived at the wedding venue. Neil didn’t dare say anything about the action, he knew all too well that Andrew had to do something with his hands when he had too much nervous energy. 

The ceremony was short and sweet. Dan and Matt looked like models under the hanging lights on the rooftop. Neil wasn’t the type to get emotional at weddings, but it was a near thing when Nicky was sobbing in the chair next to him. 

When the ceremony had ended Dan and Matt had disappeared for photos and all of the guests had swarmed to their designated tables or to the bar. Andrew and Neil went straight to their seats, knowing full well that at some point during the night they would be bombarded by various people. They enjoyed the quiet while it lasted. 

Which wasn’t very long because Nicky and his husband Erik reappeared from the crowd with drinks in hand. Nicky’s eyes were red and puffy from crying. 

“I get so emotional at weddings,” Nicky said, he sat down across from Neil and Erik went with him, wrapping his arm around his husband. “It was so beautiful. _they’re_ so beautiful.” 

Andrew scoffed under his breath and leaned back in his chair, feigning nonchalance and boredom. Neil knew better. He hated big crowds like this. His foot was tapping non stop under the table. Neil placed his hand on Andrew’s thigh to stop him. 

“It really was beautiful,” Erik agreed, “Dan and Matt are adorable.” 

Neil smiled because he agreed with them, but didn’t say anything. 

It only took a few minutes for their cluster to reappear from the crowd. Allison and Renee were holding hands, Seth and his boyfriend were wrapped around each other, and Kevin had not one but two drinks in his hand. Neil rolled his eyes at the sight. 

“Shut up,” Kevin said, as he fell into the chair next to Neil, “I hate shit like this.” 

“Aw, it’s okay, Kev,” Neil teased, “I’m sure someone will want to marry your sorry ass someday.” 

Kevin shot him a glare and immediately started drinking. 

The cluster took their seats at the table until only two were left empty. 

“Where are Katelyn and Aaron?” Neil asked, looking around the crowd to see if he could spot them.

“Bar,” Renee replied, “They’ll be back soon.” 

It had been almost a year since the events at BPO. In that time, everyone had managed to settle into their own lives. Allison and Renee lived in Paris where Allison had opened her own boutique. Renee was constantly back and forth between various BPO facilities, her entire job consisted of helping sensate children that had been fucked by BPO. She was currently sitting at 20 children that she had relocated and helped. 

Seth was working at the NYC BPO facility, helping Kayleigh as a loyal assistant when Jean had left. That’s where he met Patrick, who worked in the facility as a research assistant. They’re relationship was relatively new, but they were attached at the hip. 

Kevin worked with Abby and Wymack in NYC. They located newborn clusters and guided them through their new rebirth and life as a sensate. Kevin had refused to move in with Kayleigh when she offered, deciding to stay with his father until he found his own place. His relationship with Kayleigh had improved but still needed a lot of work. 

Dan and Matt were, obviously, just married, living in South Carolina and taking over the house that Abby had left them. Dan worked with a youth center and Matt went back and forth from helping BPO to coaching the local soccer team on his down time. 

Their cluster were the only ones that knew that Dan was currently 4 months pregnant. She didn’t want to tell anyone before the wedding, but it wasn’t exactly easy hiding something like that from your cluster. 

Andrew and Neil were still in Berlin, mostly because they had put down more roots than either had expected. They had a small apartment that was filled with plants and gifts from the cluster. Neither of them wanted anything to do with BPO, so they stayed out of their business as best as they could. 

They had been in Berlin for two months when Nico, the man that had given Andrew the diamond job, discovered that they were living there. He left Andrew a copy of _Odyssey_ in their mailbox with a note that instructed him to come by a bookstore on the west side of Berlin. 

Andrew almost didn’t go but Neil had talked him into it. He went to the bookstore and came home with a job and a scowl on his face. 

“It's starting to feel permanent,” he had said, after telling Neil that Nico owned the bookstore and offered him a job, ”We're not staying in Berlin forever.” 

Neil had only smiled and said, “Of course, dear.” 

Even though Andrew said it, they settled even further into their lives in Berlin. Neil started taking online classes so he could work as a translator, since languages were one of the things he really enjoyed. They visited Nicky and Erik once a month and moved into a slightly bigger apartment with a spare bedroom for when they decided to visit Berlin. 

They had even adopted a cat, much to Andrew’s annoyance. Nicky had tried to name the fat calico something ridiculous, but Neil had settled on Kiwi. Andrew just scowled at him and said, “If you inevitably hate the cat as much as you hate the fruit I won’t take care of it for you.” But Neil saw the way Andrew gave Kiwi treats when he thought Neil wasn’t looking. 

Neil still spoke with Bee every other week, but it was getting easier. Sometimes he woke up from a particularly awful nightmare and Andrew would have to force him out of bed and into their kitchen, decaf coffee on hand just in case. 

Andrew finally went to a real doctor about his nerve damage. It was permanent, but not unmanageable. Now Andrew only woke up with a slight feeling of pins and needles rather than an undercurrent of electricity threatening to rip his skin open. Neil was grateful that it hadn’t been worse. 

Neil had to admit that life was pretty good, considering everything that had happened to them. It wouldn’t always be perfect but it was theirs. And it was enough. 

Dan and Matt appeared from the crowd and went straight to their table. The cluster yelled their praise and variations of “congratulations!” Neil let Matt wrap him in a warm hug before pulling away to hug someone else. 

“I can’t believe you’re married,” Allison cooed, “You’re like real adults now.” 

“So are you, Allison,” Dan teased, “You’re a business owner.” 

“Don’t say that too loud,” Allison said, “I don’t want to be given more responsibility than I can handle.” 

The night went on easily and happily. Andrew continued to shuffle under the table and Neil was only able to distract him once by grabbing his tie and tugging him in for a kiss. 

At one point Kayleigh appeared at their table to say hello. Kevin gave her an awkward side hug before they both went off together. 

“Jean is here,” Renee commented happily, she stood from the table and gestured for him to come over. 

Jean had left BPO shortly after Kayleigh had taken over. He went out to California to be with his cluster, which apparently consisted of Jeremy Knox, center forward for the US Soccer team. 

“Hello,” Jean said calmly, he looked much better than he had the past few times Neil had seen him. The dark circles under his eyes had receded and he had gained enough weight to no longer look emaciated. 

Jeremy was with him, their arms looped together. Jeremy had a bright smile on his face. Neil had quickly discovered that the man was a literal ray of sunshine. It was exhausting. 

“Good to see you,” Renee said sweetly. She hugged Jean and then Jeremy with enthusiasm. 

They went off to the dance floor to talk and Neil leaned back in his chair and tucked himself into Andrew’s side. 

Aaron and Katelyn filtered over to put their drinks down before disappearing again. 

“This is going on forever,” Andrew confessed, “How long do we have to stay?” 

“Until I say so,” Neil said, a smirk on his face. Andrew sighed but didn’t argue. He wrapped an arm around the back of Neil’s chair and watched the crowd in front of them. 

“It’s nice to be back in Paris without the underlying threat of death,” Neil said jokingly, “Maybe we can come on our own some time?” 

“Maybe,” Andrew said, which usually meant yes. 

By the end of the night their cluster was happily drunk and dancing. Neil didn’t try and push out their connection as he often would when they were drunk, instead he allowed himself to feel the pleasant buzz in the back of their connection.

He loved them and he let them love him in return. They were never really apart but Neil still treasured every moment that they had together in person. 

Sometimes Neil would think about what his life would have been like if he hadn't met his cluster. He would have kept running until his father eventually caught up to him. He would have probably been dead by now. 

In the crowd Neil saw a flash of blonde and white. He smiled to himself when he realized that Mary was smiling back at him. Watching over them as she always would. 

“Okay,” Neil said sweetly, leaning into Andrew’s side, “Let’s go back to the hotel room. I think I owe you for sitting through an entire wedding ceremony.” 

Andrew didn’t hesitate to stand up and grab his discarded jacket from the back of the chair. 

“Thank god,” Andrew said, sounding relieved, “Let’s get the fuck out of here.” 

Neil laughed as Andrew dragged him away. 

It had all been worth it in the end. Every ache, every bruise, every cut had been worth it because he has a family now. 

He was never letting them go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Thank you for getting through this with me. Thank you for the love and the comments and kudos. 
> 
> I’m considering doing some one shots of this series. If anyone is interested you can come yell at me on tumblr or make requests. I don’t know when I’ll post them, because I honestly need a bit of a break, but I have some ideas for things I want to write about in relation to this AU. 
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](http://stjosten.tumblr.com)! :)


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